Choosing to Change
by SiriuslyUnreal
Summary: UNDER CONSTRUCTION- NEW EDITS Follows DH up to the final Battle. The battle is much worse, and Voldemort lives. Harry is given the chance to change it all. His choices will change everything, especially himself. WARNINGS: Eventual Slash. AU/Time-Tra
1. Appearances

It was late afternoon and the sky was bruised with dark shades of midnight purple and sickly greens. Occasionally, violent flashes of white like splinter in the distance and thunder rolls deep and resonant with ominous portent. Too much magic in the air has upset what should have been a casual transition between the pale summer blue and the deeper evening cobalt. He sat, stoic, at the top of the stairs just outside the entrance hall. There were few people out now and those that wandered about never strayed too close to Harry. Whether it was his empty, and cursory glance at them or the simple truth of who he was, where he was, and what he had done that kept them away he couldn't know, but it was just as well, he thought.

He began again, this time at the farthest edge of the grounds and scanning them inch by inch, carefully, cautiously, his wand still gripped tightly in his clenched fist. The outcome of the dramatic struggle weighed heavily on him, pressing in his chest like a heavy stone and the never ending anger still coiling in his stomach. He is only seventeen, but far from a boy and he cannot ever recall being a child.

The gruesome truths of war are evident upon him, he bleeds from wounds that will leave ugly scars in their wake. He stares at nothing and everything. Fourteen hundred dead at the last count, another thousand or more wounded. He had asked for the numbers, they hadn't wanted to give them to him. The grass is still stained with blood and he can just barely see the top of Hagrid's hut, still smoking.  
Behind him, the castle is in shambles, the entire west end is caved in and Ravenclaw tower is gone, as if it had never existed. Harry has begun building a fortress of walls in his mind, blocking out memories that he doesn't want to have, stone by stone those closest to him disappear. Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Remus, Tonks, all of them, like Sirius before. He hears confident and yet, tentative, footsteps behind him—he does not turn. From the corner of his eye, he sees that it is Minerva McGonagall. Her robes rustle as she settles onto the cool concrete beside him. She is silent beside him for a long time, even her breathing seemingly muted.

"You should go see Madam Pomfrey. She has set up a makeshift infirmary in the Great Hall. There are healers from St. Mungo's helping her." Her voice is soft, quiet and not at all the tone he's familiar with.

"I'm sure they are plenty busy." He doesn't meet her eyes and doesn't see the pain that clouds them.

"Harry, you have done enough. You have sacrificed and you have taken care of all of us in a heroic fashion. Let us take care of you." There is a measure of respect in her voice that tears apart his insides.

"There are no living heroes in a war like this." He says with a harshness he did not intend and gets up without looking at her.

He makes his way into the castle avoiding both the Great Hall. Each stair causes violent tremors to ripple through his muscles. The Fat Lady is not in her frame, which hangs at a precarious angle on the open door. He avoids looking at the schoolbooks, clothes, and chaos of familiar things that are thrown haphazardly across the room. In the bathroom and he strips off his clothing carefully.

The water is scalding and the open wounds on his shoulders burn. Washing quickly, he is out again within a handful of minutes and feels neither better nor worse for it. Naked and slightly chilled, he begins to heal the worst of his wounds. He had learned the elementary healing spells from Ginny, but he doesn't think about her. He doesn't think about Hermione, as he mends the tears in his clothes and performs a light washing charm on them using spells she taught him. His mind is empty but for the record of screams and crashing, moaning—the sounds of war, of battle, and death.  
It had cost him far too much, this victory, and the payoff was not enough, would never be enough. Voldemort was still out there somewhere, once again bodiless, once again weak. Not gone. Harry was beginning to wonder if he ever would be gone.

He is so tired. He stares into the mirror and does not recognize himself. There are dark, exhausted shadows under his eyes and his complexion is pale and wan. The inexpertly healed wounds have left thick pink scars behind. He looks in his own eyes and sees only a familiar distant pain.  
As he exits the tower, suddenly, there is a loud crack and Kreacher appears next to him. He looks hesitant but determined, at once proud and terrified.  
"Master, I have brought you some food." He offers a sandwich on a silver plate. Harry stares at the sandwich and then at the elf who had once been full of vitriol before reach for the food. As he continues on, he is somewhat amazed that after all this violence his body can still function so naturally. He eats and walks noting the spell scorched walls and brownish smears caused by hasty attempts to clean up spilt blood. He walks past the great hall again and comes across Madam Pomfrey at the entrance. She walks briskly to him and he does not move to avoid her.

Her robes are stained and tattered, it seems as though in places she has torn pieces of cloth from the hems of her skirt and apron. Her hair is sweat slick and she looks older than he has ever imagined her to be.

"Mr. Potter, did you heal this yourself?" She says with a wave toward his face. "I could have done it and left you with less scarring."

"Thank you, for all you are doing." He leaves her as the tears well in her eyes.

Outside the castle he is walking aimless again; he doesn't realize where he was meant to go until he is standing in front of blackened stone of Dumbledore's tomb. He lays a hand on it, imagining it to be the shoulder of the man—a strange thought for he had never been so casual with the man when he had been alive.

"You were wrong old man, you were wrong." He whispers after a long moment, his voice raspy with disuse and dehydration."There is more to this than horcruxes."

"Harry Potter." The voice is clear and crisp.

Harry turns slowly feeling the sting of newly healed scars. He is not startled to find the centaur standing just at the edge of the forest. He inclines his head a little. "Firenze."

"Harry Potter." Firenze is regal still, his human torso muscular and bronzed.

Harry says nothing and lets his eyes move once again to the sky. He wishes there were stars. "Can you read the future with a sky like this?"

"No, friend. But I need not the stars tonight." There is a thread of apprehension weaving through the centaur's words, and Harry turns to him again.

"Is there nothing we can do?" Harry hadn't meant to speak the words aloud, but there was such finality in Firenze's tone.

"Nothing, I or anyone else can. Only you." Firenze stares up towards the absent stars, face twisted into tense angles."Once many years ago there was a prophecy."

"The damned prophecy." As it always was, as it never should have been. Those words that had wrecked more havoc in his world than Voldemort had ever meant for. Catalyst for despair. The one with the power to vanquish the dark lord approaches.

Firenze nods slowly and with a little apology in the gesture. "We read something unusual in the stars near-to the same time. And we did not understand it then, and it did not come to pass we imagined it was simply a confusion or distraction—in time, we forgot. It spoke of a traveler, bringer of light, neither young nor old. Who would unravel the darkness of evil"

Harry sat on the grass, all of this leaving him too exhausted to stand. "You are that traveler Harry Potter. I know this now."

"Firenze, I have had enough of prophecy, let someone else travel. I am to tired for the riddle of it." Harry stares up at Firenze whose eyes are strangely distant.

"I speak of second chances, friend. For you, for your people. The chance to end all of this—forever."

"It isn't possible, if I catch your meaning, what you are saying is a thing of myth and failure." Harry does not think of Hermione and rescuing Sirius. He does not think of saving lives by meddling with time.

"There are magics more ancient than Wizard kind. Magics that are secret and mysterious, which are bound by none of your laws. Power is sometimes a burden, my friend, and some peoples can not wield it without corrupting themselves. I can send you. But only you, and only tonight."

"Why?" Harry feels a cold dread mixing with adrenaline in his blood, "Why tonight?"

"Years and Years past, on this night. A woman spoke and the world changed."

"So you would send me back, into another war." There is steel at the heart of Harry's words, "And so I go, because I will, at your word—to stop all this from happening. But as I know this world and what I've done in it, nothing comes so easy. "

"Ah, Harry, so wise for one so young. Yes, whatever paints the sky and breathes life into our very bodies—requires, always, some measure of sacrifice. Do you go, and succeed, you will never return."

"You mean I would change the world in such a way that— I could just cease to exist?"

"That which exists cannot simply un-exist. You will live until you die, but you will never live in this life, here, now. Harry Potter may be born, but he will never be you."

"I see. My choice is to live now, or to live then." Harry stares off again. "Where is the choice in that, I have lost all that mattered now and my name is nothing but letters strung along together."

There is a long silence, during which Firenze's face dances with a myriad of emotions—sadness, fear, hope and respect.

"You must get everything in order. Gather anything you think you may need. Perhaps it would be best should you change your appearance a bit, this is your parents time and it may be easier should that connection not be made. Meet me here tomorrow night, at midnight. I will be waiting." Firenze turned and faded into the forest leaving Harry staring after him, with little more than a melting bitterness and his ever present exhaustion.

With one lingering look toward the castle , he lay back against the dewy grass and closed his eyes.

* * *

Harry made his way down the alley, which even in the wake of such disaster was still bustling with throngs of people. Harry could feel the stares of the passers-by but it seemed they were either too intimidated or too respectful to approach him.  
He pushed through the heavy doors of Gringotts and made his way to a desk. Without a word he pulled a key from around his neck and placed it on the high desk before an unfamiliar goblin.

I need to withdraw everything. 10,000 galleons in coin— the rest either in coin or in some form that I can use anywhere, any time." He said the last part with particular emphasis unsure if it was possible or would be understood. The goblin gave him a penetrating look and then a nod. From somewhere beneath the desk, the goblin retrieved a large book, leather bound with heavy pages. He turned several pages and then wrote a few numbers down.

"One moment." The goblin disappeared from the high stool and through a door behind him. Several minutes later he returned carrying an envelope and a bag of coins. He handed the envelope and the bag to Harry. "This is redeemable for coin at any wizarding bank, anywhere any time. Simply present it to the goblin at the desk and they will assist you. Do not break the seal."

Once again on the street, Harry thinks on what Firenze suggested about changing his appearance and makes his way into a nearby barber's salon. The tall, wiry wizard behind the counter stands up so quickly he nearly knocks over his chair.

"Mr. Potter, an honor, what can I—how may I assist?" The man must be twenty years his senior, and yet, his voice tremble with awe as he speaks.  
Harry notices a magazine sitting on the table and picks it up. On the cover is some musician with wild purple streaked hair. He turns the photo to the man. "Can you do this?"

The man's excited head bobs up and down and he motions Harry to sit. "Perhaps, with a nice Gryffindor red, instead, sir?"

At Harry's nod, the man draws his wand and begins to work. Harry closes his eyes and drifts for a while. It seems such a short while before he is being gently shaken. He opens his eyes and stares the strangely familiar reflection has him momentarily confused. The man has matched the photo with impressive accuracy. His hair is shorter now and arranged in a messy chaos of spikes. It makes him look older having it away from his face. The lightning bolt scar is no longer hidden and but seems unremarkable in comparison with the others that have marred his face over the years. Red stripes which appear randomly in the mix of his natural black, look nearly natural despite their gaudy color.

"How long wills this stay? The color?" Harry runs his hand through it and smiles a little when it springs immediately back as it was.

"It will stay for as long as you like. The length too. I use non-growth and perma-color spells. I'll give you the card with the counter-charm so you can remove it when you like. Other wise it will remain unaffected."

He stands slowly, eyes still on his reflection. He hands the man two galleons. Too much, but Harry doesn't care. He leaves before the words of protest escape the barber's mouth.

Two stores over is a novelty store that specializes in muggle clothing. It had become all the rage in the younger generation, a political rebellion of fashion in a way. Harry doesn't not take the time to wander, instead, takes several dark t-shirts, a few of pairs of jeans and a set of black combat boots from various racks and shelves. He pauses as he passes by the jewelry section to finger a thin leather necklace with a strange metal symbol at the end of it and a matching wrist cuff, he collects them both. He hesitates and then picks up a pair of silver hoop earrings with red rubies hanging on them.

After paying for his items he uses the loo at back of the shop to change. It is awkward and somewhat painful to change, but he manages to pull on a pair of tight blue jeans, a grey long-sleeve shirt with a black t-shirt overtop and the heavy black combat boots. He tosses his old clothing into the trash and shrinks the rest of his bags and stuffing them in his pockets.

He remembers a conversation he once had with Bill and Charlie about the shop where Charlie had gotten his tattoo and Bill had gotten his earring put in, and follows the alley down just to the edge of Knockturn Alley The front of the shop had tinted windows and loud music blaring right through the closed door. Ron would have been jealous and impressed. But Harry wasn't thinking about Ron.

He stepped in and large man with so many tattoos it was hard to determine his natural skin tone met him at the counter. Harry explained what he wanted and the man grunted as he motioned Harry back to a chair. Harry had hardly sat down when the man pointed his wand at the earring Harry provided and then with a whispered word Harry couldn't make out the earring went flying and with a small twinge of pain embedded itself in the lobe of his ear. Harry brought his hand up and touched the earring, strange. He peered at his reflection once again and felt as though everything he knew to be true of himself had begun to fade from it.

The tattoo was a sharp form of torture but he didn't flinch or speak, which seemed to impress the large man. Afterwards he paid the man, and returned again to the more reputable part of Diagon Alley.

He hesitated for a moment at the door of his final stop. This would take away the last piece of himself that would so obviously tie him to his parents, to his father and his mother. An hour or so later he exited the small shop, with no round glasses, and glorying in magically enhanced contact lenses that paled his eyes to a frosty version of his mother's emerald green.

* * *

Harry apparrated back to Hogwarts this time just outside of the gates. The wards had been all but destroyed and nothing would have stopped him from landing in the Great Hall itself, but he wanted the walk needed it. He carried in his pocket a shrunken trunk filled with gold, clothing and many other things he would need. As he reached the school he checked his watch and did not think of Molly or Arthur. It was 11:30.

He made his way to the headmaster's office. The password Gargoyle had been crushed by a giant and lay in pieces which had been carelessly swept aside. Harry took the stairs slowly. He knocked on the heavy wood door to what was now Minerva's office and barely heard her invite him in. Inside, he stood silent, refusing to look around the office. His eyes falling on his friend, once-teacher, whose hair had turned entirely grey in the span of these past grueling years.

She stared at him but did not comment on his appearance, she had a sad knowing that shadowed her eyes a little more. "I've spoken with Firenze"

"I wanted to say goodbye." He kept his eyes fixed on hers and saw something shift in them.

She stood stiffly from the desk and came around to stand before him.

"I've written up some documents for you. Present them to Dumbledore when you arrive. He won't question them. And he won't press much about your past. I've taken the liberty of changing your last name to Pierson." He noted that her voice caught over Dumbledore's name.

"Thank you." He took the papers from here and with a small nod turned and left the room.

Once again he stood beside Dumbledore's tomb and laid his hand upon it. He waited. The sky was dark and there was a chill in the air, some of the previous night's clouds had cleared and a few stars shone brightly against the deep blue. Firenze appeared just inside the trees and motioned for him to come.

As Harry came up beside him, he spoke. "You will be entering time in 1976. Just outside the gates of Hogwarts. Good luck." And Firenze placed a hand on Harry's chest, muttering a string of words in a language Harry had never heard. Suddenly the world blurred around him and for several minutes he felt completely disconnected from everything, even his own body. Then, as abruptly as it had came the blurring stopped and he found himself standing, warmed by the sun. Just outside the gates of Hogwarts.


	2. Sirius

DISCLAIMER: What's JKR's is hers, what's mine is mine.

This is a bit shorter than the first chapter. But I'm a sucker for reviews. So please keep reading and reviewing.

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Harry stood outside the gates wondering exactly how to get past the wards uninvited. He knew a great deal more about the wards of Hogwarts than the average person, and all of this knowledge told him he was no match for the protection they afforded. He was contemplating making his way back to Hogsmeade and entering the school through the Shrieking Shack when he heard a collection of laughter and chatter coming from behind him. He turned to see the threastle driven carts bringing the students to the school. The gates opened to allow them through and he got quite a few strange and admiring looks as several went right on past. Harry's eyes roamed from cart to cart apprehensively searching for those he knew. And then, he saw her. Her beautiful dark red hair, not quite auburn but not the orangey-Weasley red either, blowing in all different directions as she laughed with the girls in her cart. She was indeed breath-taking. His staring was interrupted by the sudden collision of another body with his. He was knocked to the ground but was up in a flash, wand drawn. When he looked at who had collided with him his heart stopped for several seconds.

--

Sirius Black was known for many things, one of them was his reckless bravery. So, after making a quip to James about Lily, which had resulted in him being pushed out of their cart, he was quick to draw his wand the minute he saw the stranger had done so.

The two of them stood facing each other wands raised slightly neither in attack nor in hesitation. The stranger said nothing, and Sirius took the silence to check him out a bit. He was definitely not from Hogwarts. He had a punk-rock look to him that Sirius could appreciate, all decked out in leather himself, his hair was black with bright red streaks, and spiked in a messy way that still seemed to be done with intention, His black t-shirt was tight across a clearly well muscled chest. Sirius was taken aback by the scars across the boy's face, a long silver line ran from his left eye to his neck, and several still pink scars that resembled large scratch marks wrapped around his neck and disappeared under his t-shirt collar. Finally, Sirius looked at his eyes and felt a strange jolt when his own silver blue eyes, met the pale, frosty green ones. It was only after a minute or two that he realized two things, first he could hear his friends laughing at him in from the cart behind him and two this boy was staring at him with a strange familiarity.

"Take a picture, it'll last longer." The boy's voice was light but hard at the edges.

"Right. Well. Bloody Hell. Sorry mate." Sirius shook himself from his thoughts and extended his hand. "Sirius Black, Gryffindor."

The boy took his hand and shook it firmly. "Harry Pierson. I guess you could say I'm new."

Sirius noticed that the boy's mouth quirked up at one side as he said this, and Sirius felt that he had missed the joke. "Excellent. Come on then, want a lift?" Sirius pointed at the cart where his friends were now staring avidly.

"Yea, sure."

Sirius turned and Harry followed him to the cart and climbed up.

--

Harry climbed into the cart knowing exactly who he would find there, and still a little startled from seeing Sirius. He was so young, there were no lines of torment around his eyes, and his eyes held none of the pain and hatred that had filled him when Harry had known him. He sat down next to the boy who must have been Remus. He glanced at him and saw that time had not treated him well either. And he once again thought that Sirius and Remus had perhaps had the worst of it all.

"Gentlemen, may I introduce you to _the _Harry Pierson." Sirius said dramatically still standing as the cart moved forward. "He is new, and less he be sorted into the house of our enemies. We shall take him in and show him the way to true happiness of Hog— ." Before Sirius could finish the cart hit a dip roughly and sent Sirius falling straight into Harry's lap.

There was a moment of silence before Sirius looked up at him, shouted "My hero!" and fainting dramatically falling over into Remus' lap so that he now lay stretched across both of them.

Harry turned to Remus and said "Is he always like this?"

"Always." Said another voice and Harry found himself staring at what could have passed for his own reflection not so very long ago. Harry had no frame of reference for his father really, not like Sirius or Remus or even Peter, whom Harry could not bring himself to even look at. His father was a fairytale and now staring at him he was suddenly unsettled. "You alright there?" James said.

"Wha—yea. Sorry. Just a bit tired is all" Harry shook his head lightly and then with the tiniest glace toward Peter, held out his hand to James. "Harry Pierson."

James took it. "James Potter. And this is Peter Pettigrew and that is Remus Lupin." Harry nodded at Remus and Peter. Sirius finally removing himself from his and Remus's lap, squeezed himself into the space between them.

"So what house do you think you'll be in?" This came quietly and almost hesitantly from Peter, and Harry noticed he looked to James almost for permission to speak. He felt tiny pinpricks of loathing rise up in him but seeing the expectant looks from the others chose to respond.

"I'm not sure. I mean I know about the houses. I suppose I would prefer Ravenclaw or Gryffindor."

"I'm sure he'll be in Gryffindor, what with the way he drew that wand on me." Sirius broke in, "You must have had one hell of a Defense teacher."

Harry smiled at this, "I had a good teacher, but mostly I learned from experience."

"How do you mean?" This was Remus, quiet but strong.

"Self-defense is best learned when you need it the most." It was another private joke he made, repeating Remus' own words to him before he'd even said them. Harry smiled a little knowing Remus would have appreciated the irony of it.

Sirius through his arm around Harry's shoulder and said "Well, it'd be nice to have someone else to sleep with…" he held the silence for effect and Harry raised an eyebrow. "…our fifth roommate had to leave halfway into first year for some reason, and we've had an extra bed forever."

"Merlin, Padfoot, coming on a bit strong aren't we?" James got out just barely before bursting into laughter joined by Remus and Peter.

Sirius just shrugged and gave Harry's shoulder a little squeeze.

"You're one to talk about laying it on strong, how many singing Valentines did Lily get last year?" Sirius didn't duck fast enough and a flying chocolate frog slapped him on the face before climbing up to his forehead and leaping off the side of the cart.

Harry smiled and looked up to see the castle approaching, his heart ached as he saw it standing whole, strong and beautiful once again.


	3. No More Harry Potter

The boys arrived upon the steps of Hogwarts with what seemed to Harry as expected drama. Sirius jumped out of the cart Harry, cast a quick sonorous charm and his voice exploded across the grounds startling several students.

"THE MAURADERS HAVE RETURNED FOR THEIR FINAL YEAR. HOGWARTS STUDENTS BEWARE." He was lightly shoved by Remus from behind and he whispered the counter charm as the four boys made their way through an applauding crowd. As Harry followed them he heard a few whispers, and sighed inwardly recalling the last time students whispered about him.

Once inside he began to head towards Dumbledore's office but remembering he was supposed to be new turned to Remus and asked, "I need to see the headmaster, will he be in his office?'

Remus looked at him for a moment, "He may be for a few minutes before the feast. His office is that way." He pointed down the hall and Harry nodded thanks before following the corridor towards the office.

He arrived at the gargoyle and although he could have eventually guessed the password he instead said "I'm a new student. I need to speak with Dumbledore."

The gargoyle didn't move and for a minute Harry wondered if Dumbledore had already gone to the feast. Not long after however, the gargoyle moved aside and Harry found himself staring at Dumbledore, who looked younger and less lined than he had in Harry's time. The man stared at Harry questionably for a moment and then stepped slightly aside to allow Harry into the office.

They climbed the stairs in silence and Harry wondered what was going through the headmaster's mind. Finally the reached the inner office and Dumbledore motioned for Harry to sit.

Dumbledore sat down behind his desk and folded his arms. Harry glanced around the room, taking note of the differences. The portraits were all the same, but there were fewer trinkets and the cupboard with the pensive was in a different place.

"Forgive me, but I am a bit surprised to find a new student at my doorstep, who to my knowledge did not receive a letter, did not arrive by train and yet was able to find this castle which is both unplotable and very well protected."

"I understand. I believe these papers will help explain." Harry reached inside his cloak and pulled out the papers that McGonagall had given him. He'd read through them previously and basically they were a plea from his 'supposed' mother who was on her deathbed and had been teaching Harry at home, but she had no time left and he had nowhere to go to finish his education despite the near-fortune left to him. She had 'apparently' had him take the O.W.L exams and had included the Ministry approved papers with the letter. Harry had originally thought it wouldn't work but when he saw the brief mist that appeared in the headmaster's eyes thought that perhaps McGonagall had known the headmaster far better than Harry had.

Dumbledore looked through the rest of the sheets and looked up at Harry, "When did your mother pass?" His voice was gentle but Harry could feel the man trying to pry into his mind.

"Just a few days after my birthday." Harry said and looked away. "I understand if it's not enough. But she told me I should try, she always thought you were a great man a great teacher. She felt guilty for keeping me home. But she didn't have much of a choice. She's been sick for a long time."

Dumbledore nodded. "Well, Mr. Pierson, if your OWLs are any indication you're are an apt student. And I'm sure you'll do well here. We'll sort you prior to the first years and your Head of House will be responsible for helping you arrange your schedule following the feast."

"Thank you, headmaster, I won't let you down." Harry said meeting his eyes.

"You are most welcome, my boy." Dumbledore stood. "Now, we must be going. The others will no doubt be hungry."

--

As the first years wandered in behind McGonagall, Harry stood just to the side of the stage. As she approached she looked questioningly at him and then at Dumbledore. Dumbledore stood and motioned for quiet amongst the students.

"Students, before we begin the sorting of the first years, we have a special sorting that we must first complete. We have a new student, Harry Pierson, Harry please come here." Harry stepped toward the podium next to Dumbledore. "Harry has been home-schooled for the majority of his education but as the result of an unfortunate circumstance he has come to Hogwarts. I do hope you will all treat him with great welcome and respect. Harry please take a seat on the stool there, and Professor McGonagall will place the Sorting Hat on your head."

Harry sat on the stool and stared out across the collected students and saw several students with their heads bent whispering and other staring at him blankly only Sirius, James, Remus and Peter were smiling up at him. Sirius giving him the thumbs up.

McGongall placed the hat on his head and he heard the little voice in his ear. "Ahhh, this is interesting. From the future are we Mr. Pierson….or Potter I should say. I daresay I know where you'll want to be. And I'd hat to contradict myself. So, it must be—

GRYFFINDOR!"

Harry smirked a little. And stood as McGonagall removed the hat. Harry decided then and there that he was going to stop being Harry Potter. Harry Potter existed no more. He sauntered his way to the Gryffindor table and saw Sirius shove Peter over to make room for him. He sat down onto the bench and raised an eyebrow at Sirius.

"So, it looks like we'll be sleeping together after all." With that he winked and turned to watch the sorting. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Sirius' eyes go wide and a brief blush color his cheeks. James and Remus were laughing out right while Peter looked about a little confused.

A little ways down, Lily Evans was staring at the new boy hardly listening as the girls around her talked up his spikes and icy green eyes. She looked at him and felt a strange pull inside her and she didn't quite understand it.

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AN: Please read and review. the reviews help me along.


	4. What you are

DISCLAIMER: Not JKR.

Thanks to you who reviewed! This chapter is up so quick just for you!

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Following the sorting they boys dug heartily into the feast, even Harry, who had had difficulty eating for a long time, ate seconds. The conversation was a wandering one but it always managed to somehow wind its way back to Harry and where he had come from. Unsurprisingly, it wad Remus who would gently guide the boys to safer ground, but it never held for long.

"So, you're from London then, you've got a bit of the accent." Sirius took a large bite from a turkey leg and stared at him.

"Originally. I've traveled a lot though." Harry was looking down the table at his mother, Lily Evans. She was trying with some difficulty not to stare at Harry while her friends weren't even trying. They kept poking her and whispering to her, every once in awhile she would glance briefly down at him but Harry would look away quickly. And then, as is always the case, their eyes met and it seemed to Harry that time slowed almost into non-existence. Lily blushed and looked away and Harry got a flashing thought of what her blush could mean but barely had time to sort it out, he was jolted from his thoughts by a hard slap on the back from Sirius.

"Careful, Pierson. That's James' girl you're staring at. He'd likely curse you." Sirius laughed and Harry turned his eyes to James, whose head was down and his ears slightly red.

"Don't worry, mate, I'm not competition." Harry turned his attention back to his plate.

"Why not? Not into red heads?" James put in, regaining some of his confidence.

"Nah, not into redheads with tits." Harry wasn't sure where it came from, sure he'd thought about it but he'd never admitted it. Silence fell over the group like a fog. Peter's fork clattered to the table.

After enduring several minutes of silence Harry sighed, "Look, if you gents have a problem with it I'll see if I can't find somewhere else to sleep." Harry rubbed his neck, which caused his sleeve to ride down his arm a little exposing a portion of his tattoo.

"Is that a tattoo?" Peter broke in nervously, too curious to remain quiet.

"Well of course it is Wormtail, you dunderhead." Sirius said a bit too harsh to be just teasing, Sirius was staring at him with dark eyes and Harry met them head on. And, Sirius for all his reckless courage was the first to look away.

"So, a poofter with tattoos and battle scars is living in our dorm. Well, this ought to be an interesting year." This was James, who had finally snapped out of his daze.

"Just the one tattoo and who said they were battle scars?" The casual confidence in his voice surprised Harry as the words left his mouth; he supposed he had gotten better at hiding his true feelings. "Perhaps, they're from a violent motorbike accident."

"Are they?" Sirius perked up at this.

"No." Was all Harry said. He could see the questions forming on the other's lips and a strange sadness in Remus' eyes, but he was saved from any explanation as a soft voice spoke from behind him.

"Harry?" It was tentative but still steady. Harry turned to face her and for a moment he was caught up in her beauty.

"I'm Lily Evans, I just wanted to introduce myself. I'm Head Girl. I'm sure James would have told you he's head boy. But if you need anything…I am also available to you." Lily's smile was radiant even as nervously as she offered it.

Harry smiled back at her, "I imagine you'll be rather more help than James here, anyway." He winked at her and their came that blush again.

"Well, I'll be seeing you." Lily said and turned and made her way to the group of giggling girls waiting for her. Harry watched her go and turned to find James staring at him with a touch of anger in his eyes.

"That was charming." James' voice was chilly. Harry rolled his eyes.

"James, Harry can't help it if the girls dig the rebel look…I mean—." But before Sirius could finish his sentence, Harry had suddenly turned to him grab his face and kissed him hard. When Harry pulled back Sirius' eyes were wide and he looked a bit dazed.

"There Potter. Any more proof you need?" Harry stood and placed a hand on Sirius' shoulder. "Sorry, made, just making a point."

And he turned from the group of silent boys and walked out of the great hall, he knew the boys were staring and he wondered if they could see his limp.

--

Harry had wandered around the castle until it was nearly curfew. He ran his hands a long the walls and marveled at the untouched perfection of the castle. Occasionally, there were brief flashes of what had been, of bloodstains on the stone floor and empty pictures whose occupants had fled just before a curse burned a whole through the canvas.

When he finally made his way to Gryffindor tower he was tired and he approached the Fat Lady. He stood for a moment realizing he didn't know what the password was. He settled himself down on the floor, hoping someone would come down.

He was alone in his thoughts for a while and he absentmindedly stroked his tattoo through his sleeve. He didn't think about any of it. Instead he thought of his sudden proclamation at dinner. He had known for a while that things were a little off for him, he'd never really fancied girls. He liked them well enough, but kissing them and touch them had never done much from him. But he had been Harry Potter then, and Harry Potter couldn't date boys. He thought to himself though, that Harry Pierson could.

"Harry?" Harry looked up at the sound of his name and saw Lily standing there with James. It was strange to see them together knowing that they weren't a couple yet. Harry stood up and brushed off the back of his jeans.

"I got lost for a bit, and then realized I didn't have a password." Lily smiled softly at him and nodded her had.

"The password is mimbus wimbus," at Harry's raised eyebrow Lily rolled her eyes. "James made it up. We're just going on rounds now. You better get inside so you don't get into trouble for being out past curfew."

"Thanks." He moved through the still open portrait whole and his heart jumped slightly when he saw the common room. How often had this room been his safe haven? It looked nearly the same. The furniture was slightly rearranged. But everything was so similar it was shocking. There were only a few students left and Harry made his way up to the dormitory with the feeling of their eyes on his back.

He hesitated at the doorway he could hear voices from inside and he listened for minute.

"—But what if he fancies one of us, and tries to do something while we're asleep?" It was Peter.

"Oh Merlin, Wormtail, it's not like you have anything to worry about. I doubt Pierson wants to shag you." Sirius' tone was dark.

"But Padfoot, he KISSED you at dinner. Aren't you worried?"

"Peter, honestly, he said he was proving a point." Sirius shot back with an unnecessary anger.

"Guys, I really think we should just let it go. He seems all right. I doubt he's going to try and snog us in our sleep." Harry leaned his forehead against the door and smiled, thanking the powers that be for Remus Lupin.

"But—" Harry chose to make his entrance before Peter could come up with another objection. He pushed the door open but remained in the doorway leaning against the frame.

"Did you come to a consensus then?" Three pairs of eyes stared at them.

"Harry, we don't mind if you stay here, really." Remus stepped forward slightly.

"Yea, mate. Peter here's just worried you're going to steal his virginity while he's sleeping." Sirius was sitting cross-legged on his bed; his eyes were dancing with mischief.

"Well, Peter, don't worry. I'm not into blondes." Sirius barked laughter, and Harry tried to mute the disgust he felt was inching onto his expression. "You to though, might have reason to fear." He shot them a wink and as they laughed, he opened his trunk and pulled out his pajamas.

He stripped off his pants and changed into his pajama bottoms, while the boys chatted about this and that. Harry didn't realize that it was a mistake until he'd already removed his shirt. There came a little gasp from Peter and Harry looked up to find all three boys were once again staring at him. He looked down at his chest and closed his eyes. He could only imagine how it looked to them. Littered with inexpertly healed scars some of which zig-zagged across his chest. One ran thickly down his right side. And the scar that wrapped around his neck continued down to the middle of his chest. Battle scars, indeed.

"You keep looking at me like that boys, and I'm going to think that perhaps a little midnight snog would be welcomed." Peter laughed but only after Remus had. Sirius looked away quickly and didn't laugh at all.

--

His dream was like a broken record, he saw a green flash of light, heard a woman scream, saw the look in Sirius' eyes as he fell through the veil, and saw Remus' empty expression as he lay in a pool of blood on the castle grounds, and then it was the green light, and woman's scream, and Sirius's eyes and Remus' expression and he couldn't make it stop and he knew it was a dream—it took all his strength to pull his mind from this repetition and he let out a strangled cry as he awoke. He sat up drenched in sweat and breathing hard. He looked around and saw the other boys were still sleeping, he let out a long breathe and got out of bed.

He made it to his trunk and pulled a pack from the carton of muggle cigarettes he had purchased and took one out. He grabbed his wand and opened the window that was next to his bed and climbed out onto the roof. He lit the cigarette with his wand and stared out across the grounds. He could see Hagrid's hut, and the smoke from the chimney reminded him of smoke from a different time. He looked at the cigarette in his hand and remembered finding a carton of cigarettes in Sirius' room in Grimmald Place. Sirius the rebel, and he wondered if he had started smoking yet.

Harry heard the window open and close. He looked over as Remus sat down next to him.

"I'm a light sleeper. The others could sleep through and explosion." Harry just nodded and took another drag.

They sat in silence for a while. Remus seemed to be gathering his courage.

Finally he said, "The scar on your neck…it looks…" and Harry understood.

He nodded. "Werewolf."

He heard Remus suck in a sharp breath. "Are you…"

"No. It was just the claws." Harry looked at Remus and saw fear in his eyes. "I was lucky. Other's weren't. But I was the last one he attacked."

They drifted into silence again, and Harry could sense the internal debate Remus was having.

"I was bitten…when I was six." Remus' confession hung in the air. "Perhaps, it is you would rather not sleep in the same room…"

"I had a friend who was bitten. He was one of the most amazing people I ever knew, one of the strongest." Harry sighed, "It isn't _what _you are, that matters to me, it's _who _you are."

Harry flicked the cigarette of the edge of the castle and turned to see Remus who looked exhausted with tears shimmering in his eyes.

* * *

Please review!!


	5. The One True Love of S Snape

Thank you all for your reviews!! I procrastinated homework just to get a new chapter up for you wonderful reviewers!! I'm not kidding when I say that it helps me along

BTW- The real slash is coming, I'm just not one for mindless slash.

DISCLAIMER- I own only what JKR does not.

Harry lay awake for a long time after he and Remus had come in. After Remus had admitted to Harry his deepest secret, they had chatted aimlessly about what classes would be like now that they were N.E.W.T students and Harry had talked about the subjects he thought he would take. When the conversation dropped off, the silence was not awkward but companionable. Harry imagined Remus did not get much silence around his friends. By the time they went in the sun had begun to shoot pink rays over the horizon, as Harry helped Remus down from the window, he had turned to him and looked at him with a strange mixture of happiness and a bittersweet desperation.

"It's strange you know," he had said with his soft voice, "having someone else here. The marauders will be changed forever." There was a hint of a smirk in his tone.

"For the better, I hope." Harry smiled as he said it.

"I can't imagine it would be anything else, you have good in you."

Remus had climbed into his bed then and Harry was left to his own thoughts in the early hours of the morning. Harry wondered what the rest of the marauders would think of Remus' revelation. He wondered if they really were okay with his own revelation. Harry had been trying to avoid thinking about it anymore, but it snuck in anyway. _I'm gay._ He thought. _When did that happen?_ He thought about Ginny and what they had shared, and he remembered a certain expectation in that relationship, sure he liked her, and she was beautiful. He remembered thinking that with her, he would be gaining a family. He tried to remember how it felt to touch her and kiss her, and found it startling to realize there hadn't been much of it. And then Cedric came searing across his mind. And he recalled the boy's eyes and his smile and with a strange suffering ache in his heart he understood his pain from that day all the more.

Finally, the sunlight broke out in full force and he could fool himself no longer. He was not going to be getting any sleep. He got up quietly and made his way to the shower. He stepped under the spray and closed his eyes. He thought about his father, or James, rather, he wasn't his father…not in this life. How he seemed so full of life and laughter, not to mention an apparent love for Lily. He was nothing of what Snape had unintentionally shown him, perhaps, he had already grown up like and older version of Remus had told him. And Remus, with his soft and gentle voice and his unyielding desire to be accepted, Harry was glad to know he had him, he was the one friend that had always been consistent to Harry, the one person who always listened without judgment. Harry washed himself off and stepped out of the shower toweling himself off. He looked up as he wrapped his towel around his waist to find Sirius mid-shave razor halfway to his face, staring at Harry's reflection in the mirror. Harry smirked at him and headed for the door, as he passed Sirius he reached out and gently closed his mouth.

As he made his way into the bedroom, he found James asleep horizontally across his bed apparently he had fallen back asleep while in the process of putting on his pants. Peter was still sprawled out and snoring, and Remus was dressed and heading toward the bathroom. Harry smiled at him and Remus smiled back as they passed each other. Harry dressed quickly and then turned to make his bed. He noticed Remus had done the same.

Harry pulled on his combat boots and laced them up while he waited for the rest of the boys before heading down to breakfast. He stood up and walked to the full-length mirror. He was only mildly startled by his own reflection. It would take some getting used to that was sure. His spiky red and black hair was perfectly chaotic, his pale green eyes were underlined only slightly with the evidence of his lack of sleep, the scars on his face were healing still and looked less red. He wore a dark t-shirt with some muggle band logo on the front and a pair of decoratively ripped combat boots. The tattoo on his left arm was nearly entirely visible without the long sleeves. A string of runic words wrapped around his arm coming from underneath his shirtsleeve and covering almost ever inch of skin all the way down to his wrist, where it ended with a group of thorny roses. He went over to his trunk and withdrew the necklace, earring and leather band bracelet.

He was at the mirror putting in the earring when he heard the raised voices from the bathroom. He couldn't here what was being said but could tell it was volatile. Suddenly the door flew open and Sirius exploded into the room. Remus followed him quietly.

"You're being a child, Sirius." Remus' voice was calm and flat. Sirius reeled around and pointed an accusatory finger at Remus.

"Shut up. Just…we aren't talking about this now." Sirius began dressing and there was a heavy tension in the room. James and Peter had woken up when Sirius had made his entrance. James had finished dressing and was staring between Harry and Sirius and Remus still too groggy to form words. Peter had silently slipped into the bathroom, apparently not wanting to be in the middle of the fray that threatened to break.

Harry glanced at Remus and could see by his clenched fists that there was anger he was minding very carefully and he was staring at Sirius' back. Sirius was pulling on clothing in a jerky way that showed his anger quite clearly. James cleared his throat loudly and was still attempting to find the words when Sirius could hold in it no longer—

"You say I'm being CHILDISH, you're the one throwing secrets around like they're candy and pretending like I should be just fine with it, like it's no big deal." Sirius pulled on his shirt roughly adding a physical exclamation point to his rant.

Harry felt the understanding like a cold wind the came up suddenly and threatened to knock him over. He immediately looked to Remus whose face had flushed a slight shade of red. It was a warning sight, Harry recalled from when him and the Weasley twins had hidden all of his chocolate. Sirius had to know, and yet…

"Honestly! You've known him for less than a day! Merlin, how can you be so smart and so bloody stupid at the same time?" Sirius faltered at those last words, as he seemed to understand he had perhaps crossed a line.

"Padfoot! What—." James had finally found his voice, but it didn't seem to matter.

"Sirius. You are a bloody damned, self-centered brat. Who cares how long I've known him. It's MY secret and I can damn well tell anyone I please." Remus was visibly shaking now. Harry took a step closer and placed a comforting hand on the boy's shoulder.

"Perhaps, I should explain how we got on the subject." Harry's voice was even and he was speaking to Remus.

"Harry, really, you don't have to…" But Harry waved himself off.

"Remus and I were talking last night and he asked me about this scar." Harry pointed to the claw marks around his neck. "I was attacked by a werewolf, a few weeks ago. Remus recognized the marks and asked me. He was concerned that having been attacked I might not want to sleep in the same room as one. He was mistaken, but Sirius, really, he was just being considerate."

Harry kept his eyes locked on Sirius and gradually over the span of the next minute he saw the anger release its hold on Sirius and felt the tension leave Remus' body.

"I'm sorry Rem, I just, worry." Sirius ran his hands throw his hair and Harry felt a strange jolt. "Forgive me, Moony, please?" Sirius' voice was soft.

Remus moved to his friend and embraced him quickly. "I appreciate your concern, but I am quite capable of determining who I should tell."

Sirius nodded. Harry looked at James who was staring at them all with confused eyes.

"What the bloody hell is going on?!" Sirius and Remus were startled to hear James speak, as if they hadn't noticed his presence until now.

"Remus told Harry about his furry little problem." Sirius offered. James's eyes went round as saucers and there was a little squeak from where Peter stood at the bathroom door.

"What?" James said but with a warning look from Sirius, said no more.

"Look, I trust him, he has been pretty honest with us. I don't see why you guys get all worked up. You act like you're the werewolves." Remus spoke as he finished dressing, "I appreciate that you guys are concerned but honestly, I'm the more reasonable than the three of you combined."

At that there was a strong and deep silence as the five boys finished dressing. Not a word was spoken as they made their way to the great hall for breakfast. Finally, as they sat down and began to fill their plates, James spoke up.

"So, what's our first prank of the year to be?" it was as if the tension suddenly evaporated. And as Sirius and James and occasionally Peter, began throwing out crazy half-formed ideas Remus turned to Harry.

"I'm sorry you had to see all that. They're a bit overprotective." Harry just nodded.

"So, what's the deal with Sirius?" Harry's voice was a whisper and he glanced toward the other three but they were immersed in their conversation.

"Sirius is a rebel in his own right. He likes to be the center of attention and likes to pretend like he's not capable of feeling, but when he cares for someone he's loyal like you can't imagine. That's why he was so heated earlier. He cares. He has a hard time expressing it though." Remus looked over at Sirius before continuing, "He hasn't had it easy, these last few years especially have been rough for him."

Harry nodded. "So, are you two—."

Remus tilted his head to the side and wrinkled his brow for a minute before understanding dawned on his face, "Oh…Oh…No." Remus laughed lightly. "I can see why you'd…but no. We're close, good friends. James and Sirius are like brothers, but Sirius and I are like best friends. I'm pretty sure I'm into girls, you know…Sirius…who knows…his tastes in everything seem to change day to day."

Harry looked at Sirius again and when he turned back to Remus there was a smile on the boy's face.

"What?" Harry said.

"Do you…like him?" Remus said with a grin.

"I caught him staring at me when I got out of the shower, I was just wondering if it was because of , you know, the scars…or something else." Harry stuffed some eggs into his mouth and looked everywhere but Remus.

"I could ask…" Remus said, Harry just nodded and continued to eat.

Professor McGonagall had been making her way down the table handing out schedules. When she finally got to their group the boys were pretty much finished eating. She handed schedules to Peter, Sirius, James, and Remus and then looked to Harry.

"If you could, I'll need to see you and Mr. Black, you as well." Harry stood and almost laughed as Sirius made a face that said he was clearly trying to determine what he had done to warrant a talk with McGonagall, but finally he rose too and with a shrug to James followed Harry and the Professor out.

--

Harry could feel Sirius' eyes on his back as they made their way to McGonagall's office. But, he didn't turn he just kept moving straight a head. As the reached the doorway she turned to them.

"Mr. Black, if you'd wait here just a moment, I'll speak with Mr. Pierson." And with a nod from Sirius she entered the office with Harry and closed the door behind him.

--

The office hadn't changed a bit in the twenty years the separated this time with Harry's, with the exception of what was to Harry, the glaring absence of both the Quiddich and House Cups. Harry would have to ask the boys about this.

"So, Mr. Pierson I've seen your OWL's, what kind of career were you looking at?" She asked pulling out a clean piece of parchment and a quill.

"I want to be an Auror." Harry said and was fascinated by the look of surprise that graced the Professor's face. In another time, it was expected that that is what he would do.

"That's quite ambitious, Mr. Pierson. But, your scores certainly allow for it." She wrote something down on the paper and the continued. "You'll want to take Potions, Defense Against the Dark Arts, Herbology, Ancient Runes, Advanced Charms and Transfiguration, and then you'll have a free period and one elective. I would suggest Dueling, it's a small elective class we've offered these last two years, I believe James Potter, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin are all taking it."

"That sounds good." Harry said and the Professor waved her wand at a blank sheet of parchment before handing it to him.

"That will be your schedule then, if you'll wait just a moment while I speak with Mr. Black, you have Potions together and he can show you the way." Harry stood and went to the door. Sirius was sitting against the wall creating bubbles with his wand, he looked up as Harry exited.

"Alright then?" Sirius said.

"Yea. Just got my schedule worked out. We have Potions together, so if you don't mind I'll wait for you."

"Sure thing." Sirius said and jumped to his feet and striding in the room speaking as he went "Whatever it is, I swear I didn't—." That was all Harry heard as the door closed behind him.

Harry stood outside the door thinking about what Remus had said about Sirius. _Did he have a thing for him? He is good looking._ Harry shook his head. _He's my godfather. _Harry sighed and then another thought came through. _Not in this life, he isn't._

Harry thought on that and decided he didn't want to think about it anymore. The door to McGonagall's office opened and Sirius stepped out. There was none of the flamboyant energy in his steps and he said nothing to Harry as they made their way to the dungeons. After a few moments, Harry couldn't take anymore of the weighted silence.

"Alright there?" Was all he said, and Sirius let it hang in the air long enough for Harry to think he wasn't going to respond.

"My uncle died." Sirius said blankly. "Left me everything."

Harry remembered the adult Sirius talking about his Uncle Alphord one of the few family members he could ever tolerate.

"Sorry, mate." Was all Harry had to offer. Sirius just nodded.

"Both my parents died." Harry tried again. "I know there isn't much to say about it. But, for what it's worth, if you wanted to talk, I'm sure the others would be better for it, but I'm willing, so you know."

By this time, they had reached the door to the Potions classroom and entered before Sirius or Harry could say anymore.

--

Sirius made his way to the front of the room and handed a note to the Professor, who was a fat, man wearing what seemed to be very lavish robes. The other students were already seated and had begun working on their potions. Harry saw Sirius take the open seat next to James and he looked around and seeing that there was an empty seat next to Remus made his way there and sat down.

"I take it Peter isn't taking Potions then?" Remus startled slightly and smiled when he saw who had sat next to him.

"No. He's not much for attention to detail." Harry nodded. "So have you got your schedule then?"

Harry handed Remus the sheet. Remus looked it over and compared it with him. "Looks like we've got all the same courses but I've got History of Magic instead of the free period. James and Sirius will have the same as you. They're planning on being Aurors, I'm assuming you are too?"

"Yeah. I hope so anyway. What about you?" Harry said as he began copying down the notes from the board.

"I'd like to do research, historical or in spell creation." Harry noticed a hopeful look that passed over Remus' eyes very quickly, "Perhaps teach."

"Class, you have twenty minutes to finish your potions." The hefty professor called out from his desk.

Remus explained what they were doing and they set to work again. Harry kept glancing at Sirius and once caught the dark haired boy staring back at him. Harry found that without the constant insults from Snape, making a potion was incredibly calming. At each point where the instruction gave a marker as to what the potion should look like, Remus and his potion matched right on. Slughorn stopped by and smiled down into their cauldron.

"Good work as always Lupin, and Mr. Pierson it would appear you are quite adept yourself."

Finally, the period was over and they filled their vial and handed the potion in. As they were clearing their desk Harry noticed James and Sirius with their heads bent very close together whispering and occasionally throwing glances across the room. Harry followed their glance and he saw a young Severus Snape lovingly cleaning his cauldron. How had Harry not noticed him before? He glanced back to James and Sirius and saw something exchange from James' hand to Sirius'.

"Uh oh." It was Remus' voice. "Looks like they've decided on their first prank of the year."

Harry would have laughed at the resigned look on Remus' face but there was a loud bang and suddenly the room filled with smoke. He could hear coughing of the other students and could just barely make out the shape of Remus in front of him. And then the smoke began to clear and Harry saw the professor making his way down the isles waving his wand and disappearing the smoke. When the room was finally clear there was a loud shriek and Remus and Harry's eyes immediately turned to where Snape was sitting.

"PROFESSOR! LOOK AT WHAT POTTER AND BLACK HAVE DONE!" The boy yelled, his eyes were filled with malice as he pointed at his cauldron, which was now bright pink with red letters that read "The one true love of S. Snape."

The room had burst into laughter, even the Slytherians were laughing.

The professor inspected the cauldron and then turned to Sirius and James. "Give me your wands boys."

The Slughorn then performed priori incantum on both wands only to reveal that their last spells had been cleaning charms.

"I'm sorry, boys, I did have to check though." He said as he handed the wands back. "Whoever is responsible should be warned that my classroom is not a place in which your little games are welcome. I would like one foot on the uses of the potion we created here today by next class period. You are dismissed."

Harry marveled at the absolute composure Sirius and James displayed up until they got out into the hallway where they began laughing.

"That was bloody brilliant—." James said only to be knocked into by another body.

Snape approached the boys with a threatening look and his wand on the ready and all but Remus drew their wands instantly. Snape looked to Harry and then back to the others. "Got him trained up already do you?"

James and Sirius' both opened their mouths to retort but Harry was quicker. He pushed Snape to the wall and held him there with one hand.

"It is a poor idea to insult someone you do not know," Harry said, "I guarantee it is a mistake you don't want to repeat. You approached me with your wand out, defensive action is not cowardly."

Snape was taken aback, obviously not used to physical altercation.

"Now, either you agree to walk away now or I let my friends over there do what ever they like while I make sure you stay right here." Harry looked to Snape, who nodded. "I'm sorry which will it be?"

"I'll go." Snape said and Harry let the boy go, but heard him whisper as he walked away "for now"

Harry's previous experiences with Snape had made him accustomed to simply taking the man's malice with no response, but he had no student-teacher limits now. Hand he whispered something and pointed his wand at the boy's retreating back.

"That was brill, what was it that you just did to him. Didn't seem to hurt him any." James said excitedly.

"You really shouldn't have cursed him, Harry…" Remus began.

"Oi, Moony, come on that was amazing did you see the look on Snivellous' face? He was about to wet himself when Harry got him up against the wall." Sirius interrupted.

"It won't hurt him, Remus, just make him itch a bit." With that Harry winked, "Which way to Charms?"

* * *

Please review! I adore it.


	6. Conquests

AN: Hello. I miss your reviews. Anybody still reading? Do you not like the direction the story is going?

Oh yea, and I'm not JKR.

* * *

Harry sat in the common room that evening at a table in the corner, if he had thought about it he would have realized it was the same table he, Hermione and Ron had claimed for themselves some 20 years in the future. But he wasn't thinking about it. Instead he was thinking about the charms essay he was writing. Harry found that despite what he imagined the classes were not particularly difficult. He found himself enjoying the work, the normal everyday feeling of going to class and doing homework. The pressure of being "the-boy-who-lived" had abated, and Voldemort was like a ghost in the back of his mind.

He recalled Remus telling him one night, just weeks before he died about the marauder's last year at Hogwarts, about how they had all been blissfully unaware of the turmoil that was rising around them. Remus had said that it was Dumbledore who had protected the students from it, that he gave them the chance to be children before they were thrown into a world of chaos, pain, and death. Harry understood what he had meant so much better now. There were occasional whispers of the strange happenings but the students were just students. And Harry for the first time, felt like he was living and not simply surviving.

So immersed in his thoughts, Harry didn't notice as someone sat down across from him until she spoke.

"Hi." It was said with only the tiniest hint of shyness and she smiled along with the world.

"Lily Evans, Head Girl." Harry smiled back. "To what do I owe the honor?"

"I just, you were sitting here all alone. It kind of surprised me. I figured you would have been sucked into the world of Black and Potter by now." She glanced over to where the four boys were lounging in front of fireplace. James and Sirius talking wildly and waving their arms about Peter looking on, Remus curled in an armchair reading a book.

"I'm just trying to keep up. It's different being in classes like this." He motioned to his paper. "How about you. Where is your posse?"

"Posse?" Lily tilted her head to the side. "Oh! You mean the girls—to be honest with you some times they just drive me nuts. With their constant gossip and dramatic overtures."

Harry tried very hard not to laugh but at this moment, despite his vow to not think about it, he couldn't help but think that Lily and Hermione would have made very good friends.

"I can only imagine. You know the guys aren't bad, I can tell by your tone you disapprove. But even just these past two days…" Lily glanced again at them but looked away quickly, when she faced Harry again a strange look passed over her features. "…what?"

Lily flushed a little, "Nothing. Sorry. I'll let you get back to work then." She stood before Harry could protest and made her way up to the girls' dormitory. Harry turned back to his essay only to be interrupted by yet another person sitting down across from him.

He groaned inwardly when his eyes met with James' nervous stare.

"Hello, James."

There was a weighted pause.

"How did you do that?" James asked in barely a whisper.

"What?" Harry continued to read through his essay correcting a few spelling errors.

"Get her to just—talk to you." James was staring at the table when Harry looked up at him. Harry sighed and put his homework away.

"If you're asking me advice about girls…I'm really not the right person." Harry felt a measure of pity when he saw the disappointed look in the boy's eyes. "But look, I'm not trying to impress her. I'm just talking to her. You know. Being myself. You try to hard. And you might try and figure out what kinds of things she likes and respects about people and try and work harder at that."

James looked pensive for a while before suddenly getting up and walking with a great deal of determination up to the boys' dorm. Harry smiled a little and then got back to his homework. He worked for about a half an hour before he was finally satisfied with his work. He cleared the space he was working at and glanced around the common room, startled to find it empty but for one person.

Harry made his way over and sat down in an armchair, he looked over at Sirius who was staring darkly into the fire. They sat there for a long time, both lost in separate thoughts trying to drown their internal struggle in the flames. Harry could imagine what the other boy was thinking, and he knew that he would wrestle with those thoughts and that anguish well into his adult years. The silence between them stretched before Harry like a minefield. He had begun to question what of the things he knew really applied here and now. He couldn't relate to Sirius like had before, too much had happened between the boy Harry now sat with and the man he had watched die. He imagined this young Sirius would not recognize the man he had become. The man himself had rarely seemed to accept it.

Harry stole another glance and felt himself unable to look away, cloudy eyes reflected the fire and made them seem to burn with a desperate plea for distraction. But Harry had no words, he didn't know how to begin. He didn't know this boy, he wanted to. _Merlin, he wanted to_. But somewhere along the timeline of his youth he'd never learned how to break down social barriers and reach out to someone new. It didn't help that the thoughts that swirled around in his mind were at odds with each other. He was fighting desperately to separate this beautiful, tragic boy from the tormented man.

"I didn't…I haven't told James yet," his voice wafted into Harry's brain and Harry looked to him. "About my uncle."

"You sound like you feel guilty about it." Harry kept his tone casual, neutral.

"He's my best friend. My brother," Sirius sighed and kept his eyes on the fire. "I tell him everything."

"But not this."

"No, not this." Sirius pulled his eyes from the fire and looked at Harry with an unreadable expression. "He doesn't understand. He's never really understood."

Harry felt the shift in the conversation, and suddenly there was a painful tension exuding from Sirius. Harry wanted to reach out and push the hair from his eyes. Sirius was absently playing with his fingers and glancing from the floor to the fire, as if trying to determine the risk of sharing his thoughts with someone other than himself. Harry said nothing.

"James, he is a great person. A great friend. So loyal it's…he's always been there for me. Willing to do whatever. I've been staying with him and his parents for almost two years now over the breaks." Sirius continued, "And it's…being around him and his family is so strange. They're so happy. They take care of each other. It's like…the daydream I had as a kid when I thought about running away and finding a new family."

Harry listened and reclined further into his chair, he returned his eyes to Sirius and found himself startled when his gaze was met with Sirius'.

Their gaze held as Sirius continued, "He doesn't understand. He's never been hurt, betrayed. He's never felt unwanted. He doesn't understand what my uncle meant to me. And if I tell him, he'll try and do something to make it better…and…"

"Nothing can." Harry spoke is voice low and distantly pained. Sirius nodded.

"My dad died when I was real young. I never knew him. Not really." Harry began, offering weakness for weakness only seemed fair. "His best friend, my godfather, he wasn't able to be around when I was younger. I met him when I was about 13. We…we weren't incredibly close, but he was the closest thing I had to a father, and I was the last link he had to my dad."

Harry hadn't spoken about Sirius in so long.

"He died about two years ago. I…never got to say good-bye. I didn't tell him all of the things I wanted to." Harry shook his head, pushing those emotions deep down and far away. "It can't be made better, but it does get better."

Harry knew that whatever he said it couldn't make a dent in the pain, they were just words. He only hoped that by commiserating with Sirius and showing him that the pain is okay, that feeling it is okay he could stop Sirius from building the walls Harry himself was the master of. It was lonely with all those walls, and if he could change time, if he could change the future he wanted less loneliness for Sirius, less pain for Remus and more life for James and Lily.

"I often wished that Uncle Alphord was my dad. He and I were so similar. Not like my dad and I. He didn't believe in all the bullshit my family does." Sirius shook his head, "I come from a very pureblood family. 'The Most Ancient and Noble House of Black', Merlin, the bloody family motto is 'Toujours Pur."

"Always Pure, hm." Harry had gotten up from the chair and now stood next to the fireplace with his arm resting on the mantle. "Sounds wonderful."

Sirius laughed a little but the sound was bitter and hollow. "I don't know why, maybe it's because I like being different or maybe I knew even then that it didn't make sense. But ever since I was little, I bucked those beliefs. I loathed the attitude, the coldness of the house and the way my brother and I were treated like dogs bred for show. My mother and father would have these parties that everyone who was anyone was invited to. They invited my Uncle Alphord because he was the heir, the heir to the Black fortune. But they hated him, my parents did. I think he came just to bother them you know? He spent a lot of time saving me from those parties. He taught me about the world, and how there was so much more than the 'pureblood life'. And now he's dead, and I've inherited everything. My father will most likely contest it, but Alphord will have expected that. So, now I have a fortune and it doesn't make any difference."

"I don't think he left you the money to make it better, Sirius. I think if anything, he left it to you so you could escape." Harry looked down into the fire again. He heard Sirius stand and move to the fire, he turned and faced him.

"I don't know you. And here I am telling you all my secrets." Sirius laughed a little, "And to think I gave Moony such a hard time about it."

Harry smiled a little. "Sometimes it's easier telling your secrets to a stranger, you've got nothing to lose."

"Is that why you told me yours? Because you've got nothing to lose?" Sirius tilted his head to the side.

"I lost all I had to lose this past summer. At this point I have everything to gain." Harry made to turn away but he was caught by Sirius' hand on his shoulder.

"What happened to you? What are all these scars?" Sirius' voice was low as if he was trying not to draw attention to his question.

"Sometimes, you have to fight to keep from losing everything. I fought. I spent years fighting." Harry's voice had become dark. "And I lost it all anyway."

Sirius' eyes drilled into his as if he were trying to read the emotions in them. "What does your tattoo mean?"

"Names. Just names."

"Whose?" Harry had grown tired of this dark talk. Death and pain and scars.

He looked at Sirius with no expression, "Just keeping track of my sexual conquests, is all."

His tone or manner didn't change, it held all the seriousness of their conversation and it took Sirius a minute to realize what he'd said. His mouth dropped open and he reached out and grabbed Harry's arm.

Harry laughed as Sirius stared at his arm not comprehending the symbols. Suddenly out of nowhere he yelled "REMUS!" and he was up the stairs dragging Harry by the arm a long with him. "REMUSSSS!"

As they reached the top of the stairs Sirius pulled out his wand waved it at the door shouting "Alohamra!" and kicked the door open.

"REMUS!" all the boys were sleeping and none of them stirred. "REMUS! I NEED YOU! WAKE UP!"

Remus sat up very slowly and turned to look at Sirius with a dignified annoyance. "Ok, Ok. What is it?"

"I NEED YOUR BRAIN FOR A MINUTE! Sirius' face was as determined as Harry had ever seen it but he was trying hard not to laugh and was completely ignoring how his skin warmed and tingled where Sirius still held it loosely in his grip.

"Well okay Padfoot, just give me a minute while open my skull and get it for you." Remus rolled back over and pretended to go back to sleep.

"REMUS!"

Something shifted at the far end of the room and Harry glanced over to see James stick his head out of his bed curtains. "Bloody hell, Remus just give him your brain so he'll shut up." He said with complete seriousness and then promptly disappeared behind the curtains.

Remus, Sirius, and Harry were completely silent for what seemed like several minutes before they all burst out laughing. It was the infectious kind of laughter that happens in the early hours of the morning and just cannot be stopped. That is, until someone opens their bed curtains and throws a shoe at you.

Sirius looked ready to retaliate after being struck in the head with James' shoe but Remus saw it coming and quickly distracted him.

"What exactly do you need my brain for?" Remus was sitting up now and rubbing his eyes.

"Runes! You know them! You read all those books with them!"

"Shh. Padfoot, honestly. Yes I know runes. Why do you need—." Remus didn't have a chance to finish as Sirius thrust Harry's arm under his nose nearly making Harry lose his balance. "I see."

Sirius nodded.

"And Harry, do you want me reading your runes?" Remus asked softly, "Or is Padfoot being a bit presumptuous?"

Harry just shrugged.

"He says their his sexual conquests. I don't believe he can have had that many" Sirius says with an incredulous look. "I bet its some sort of love poem or something."

Harry laughed. But Remus still looked unsure. "You're sure about this Harry?"

Harry nodded. Remus took his arm and looked at it closely and then began to read.

"Bill, Charlie, Ron, Fred, Arthur, Kingsley, Cedric, Dean, Seamus…" As Remus read off the names Harry felt it like a needle in his heart, Sirius' eyes seemed to get bigger with each name.

"Okay! Okay! Stop, stop." Sirius said. "I have been put to shame." He shook his head sadly and threw himself dramatically into his bed and closed the curtains with a muffled "Good night"

Remus dropped his hands from Harry's arms. "I skipped the women's names." He whispered. "I figured he'd ask questions."

"Thanks." Harry said.

"Who are they really?" Remus looked at Harry.

"People I couldn't save." Harry looked out the window. "People I should have saved."

He felt Remus' hand on his shoulder and he sighed.

"Thank you. Can this just be between us?" Remus nodded sadly, and Harry got up and went to his bed.


	7. Lets Not

AN: Thanks for the reviews! I'll try and do a little better with having more than one scene. I tend to get a little too personal with individual characters as I write. Hope this chapter is a little less of that.

Please review!

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Harry woke up early the next morning and made his way groggily to the bathroom. He took a quick shower, and dressed before making his way down to the common room. When he arrived he found Remus sitting in an armchair immersed in a rather thick book. Harry sat heavily down next to him.

"What's this one about?" Harry asked tilting his head in an attempt to read the title. "Shadows of the Dark? Sounds kinky."

Remus glanced up for only a few seconds and there was laughter in his eyes even as he shook his head. "It's about the history and development of the dark arts."

"Careful, now or people will think you were mis-sorted." Harry lay back in the chair kicking his feet up on the coffee table.

It was nearing the end of September now, and Harry was still in awe of speed at which the time had passed. The amount of work that was given in classes was grueling but Harry had found that for the first time he was able to actually just stress about school, and that made him strangely happy.

Harry and Remus had developed a strong relationship, although nothing in comparison with what the original Marauder's had, but their friendship was different. They met every morning in the common room and shared a little banter, they talked late at night when the other boys were sleeping. Remus it seemed had his fair share of haunting memories. They talked about this and that, but Harry had found that Remus was the first to bring up concerns about Voldemort and they talked about what would come of it all. But even on those nights, with those dark thoughts they were still just schoolboys talking about a bigger world, and Remus did not expect him to have the answers.

On the whole, Harry had easily slipped into the close clique of the marauders and the only difference noted was that Peter, who had already begun to spend time away from the group, was no longer being missed by the others. For the first two weeks they had questioned his absences, but Harry had almost taken his place. None of the other boys seemed inclined to repair the distance that was growing and Peter didn't seem to mind. He disappeared for lengths of time, spent as little time in the dorms as possible and eventually stopped sitting with them at mealtimes.

Much to James' delight, Lily, had taken to joining the group at meals and study times on occasion. She and Harry and Remus would talk for hours on end about class work and James and Sirius would goof off, but James was starting to realize that these were the conversations he had to infiltrate and had quietly inched himself into them.

Sirius, without the slightly more rational of the duo had begun pulling prank after prank on just about anyone he could. In just the first month, the Slytherin benches had been charmed to scream insults whenever someone sat on them, Snape had somehow become blonde, a group of first year Hufflepuffs spent an entire day speaking without the letter A in their sentences, McGonagall had found herself with a piece of chalk that would only write in rhyme and the ceiling of the Great Hall had for a week looked as if someone had taken a red pen and drawn a great big circle around the star Sirius with arrows pointing to it. Not to mention, all of the minor pranks that included dungbombs, uncontrollable paper airplanes, and talking flowers, which had landed Sirius in detention more often then not.

Things were casually simple, and Harry felt at peace with it. After running through all the thoughts he was willing to entertain he finally lost his patience and reached over to pluck the book out of Remus' hands.

"Lets go get some food, James and Sirius can fend for themselves.

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Harry and Remus were halfway through breakfast when Sirius and James finally appeared. They sat down and James glanced down the table at Lily, before fixing his plate. Sirius, however, sat down and stared at the other two boys.

"You didn't wait for us." Harry and Remus looked at each other with identical expressions, knowing about the drama that was about to ensue. "You break my heart, you tear it to shreds. What have I done? Do you not love me anymore Moony? Is this minutely-attractive git stealing you FROM ME?"

His voice had gradually risen and he was now near shouting. Remus stared down into his plate, but there was a smile pulling at his lips. Harry, however, was in a light mood and stood up with a great dramatic flair.

"Black! He was never yours. You insult him with your insinuations." Harry's voice boomed and he kept a straight face.

Sirius stood and pounded his fist on the table. "You can't just swoop in here and destroy our love. I won't allow it."

"Too late, Rem, loves me. He never loved you anyway, because you've got such bad hair." Harry threw out with a pompous laugh, and Sirius' face took on a mock-horrified look.

"You dare insult my HAIR? He loved my hair!"

"Oh, come off it already to you great ponce!"

"You treacherous man-whore!"

" Flea-infested mongrel!"

"Remus-stealer!"

"That's no insult!" At this Sirius turned his case to Remus who was no beside himself with laughter.

"Rem! Moony! Say it isn't so! Say you aren't lowering your standards so greatly!" Remus laughed and blew Sirius a kiss.

Harry threw his arm around Remus and winked at Sirius.

"Take your hands off my MOONY!" Sirius punctuated his sentence by throwing a muffin at him. Harry in turn picked up his glass of pumpkin juice and threw it in Sirius' face. There was a moment where everyone was silent and nobody moved, as juice dripped off of Sirius' nose. And Harry saw it coming mere seconds before it happened. He took off running just as Sirius lunged across the table.

Sirius was up and chasing Harry out of the great hall but Harry had a decent sized lead and they ran down the hallways for a few minutes before Harry suddenly tripped over a raised stone in the floor and was sent sprawling. He rolled over to see Sirius coming up on him fast and quickly pulled out his wand.

"Scourgify!" he yelled and little bubbles appeared all over Sirius scrubbing him clean. Sirius distracted by the onslaught of bubbles tripped over the same stone Harry had and went flying at him, Harry narrowly missed being squashed. Harry moved to stand but was quickly pulled back down when Sirius grabbed his left ankle. A full on wrestling match commenced, although Harry was a little stronger they were pretty well matched, but Harry was able to pin Sirius down and keep him from rolling over. He looked down into the grey eyes and smiled.

"Truce?" Harry looked at Sirius, who said nothing, and the silence stretched on with only the sound of their ragged breathing, before he thought about what he was doing he brought his head down and crushed his lips to Sirius'. Sirius didn't pull away for a long time but finally with a rough push Harry found himself once again sprawling on the floor. Sirius got up quickly and so did Harry.

He took a step closer to Sirius and raised his hands in surrender, "I'm sor--." He didn't even get the words out before Sirius' fist hit him with a loud crack. Harry was slightly unbalanced but remained standing he could taste the blood in his mouth. He shook his head and leaned up against the wall.

"That was unnecessary." He said touching his check gingerly. Harry looked at Sirius who stood in the same spot staring at Harry and breathing heavily.

Harry was about to walk away when Sirius was suddenly on him. Their lips crushed together again, and it was only slightly painful to Harry. Sirius' tongue was in his moth exploring and Harry raised his hands to the other boy's hair only to have them pushed away and then held against the wall by Sirius. Sirius pushed his body up against Harry's and continued to deepen the kiss. Harry was beginning to get lightheaded from the lack of oxygen and Sirius' fingers were biting into the skin of his wrists, but he had never felt anything as hot as this.

The bell rang loudly and Sirius released him. With a quick glance as Harry leaned heavily against the wall, Sirius turned and walked away without a word.

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Harry was late to class. He had stood in the hallway in a daze before realizing that he was supposed to be in Transfiguration. He opened the door to find Professor McGonagall with her back to the door writing notes up on the board. He closed the door quietly behind him and slid into the chair next to Remus. He glanced over at the desk where James and Sirius sat to find Sirius staring straight forward with a deadly blank look on his face. James waved a hand in front of his face and when Sirius made no response he turned back to face Harry, he titled his head to the side and scrunched his eyebrows together and tried to mouth something to Harry, but McGonagall had turned around.

"Mr. Potter, there is no whispering in my class that's five points from Gryffindor and five from you Mr. Pierson for your tardiness." With that she went on to explain the complexities of transfiguring a non-animate object to an animate object. Harry had taken out his notebook and begun writing down the notes when suddenly a messy scrawl appeared on his page.

_Harry- what's going on where were you? Rem_

Harry looked over to Remus who nodded at him. And he dipped his quill and replied.

**Is this just you and me?**

_Yea._

**I kissed Sirius.**

_Sirius was here on time though…what happened to you?_

Harry looked at Remus and turned his head so the other boy could see the bruise that was darkening on his cheek. Remus' eyes went wide before he returned to the parchment.

_He hit you?! _

Yeah. And then he kissed me…

_He must have liked it. Are you going to talk to him?_

**No. I know I'm not a pretty boy but I'd rather not mutilate myself further.**

_Pomfrey can get rid of the bruise._

**Nah. I think I'll let it heal on its own. **

Harry and Remus weren't able to continue the conversation, because McGonagall had set them to changing thimbles into field mice. By the end of the class period Remus and Harry both had furry thimbles with eyes scurrying across their desks and only Sirius had received a startled congratulations from McGonagall for having completed the task entirely.

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Harry was the last one to arrive at dinner. He had run into a group of fourth year Gryffindor girls who had insisted on following him through the halls before one of them finally worked up the nerve to ask him to sit with them at dinner. To which he replied that he always sat with his friends and couldn't just ditch out on them.

When he approached the table, James and Lily were actually having a conversation about the essay that was due for Herbology. Remus was reading a book propped up against a pitcher of pumpkin juice, and Sirius was staring off with the same look he had on his face all day. Harry sat down next to Lily and she turned to him.

"Where have you been? I wanted to ask you if you wanted to study with me tonight for our potions quiz." Lily smiled at him. Over the past few weeks, she had stopped blushing when she smiled at him.

"I was being hit on by fourth years." Harry said with a sigh as he piled some potatoes on his plate.

"One of them give you that shiner?" James asked with feigned concern.

"They look innocent but they're vicious you know?" Harry responded and saw Remus shake his head out of the corner of his eyes, Sirius didn't even look in his direction.

"Oh, you poor thing!" Lily leaned over and gave him a one-armed hug. Harry smiled at her and looked up only to catch Sirius looking at him with something dark in his eyes but it passed quickly and he looked away resuming his passive expression. "So, study tonight?"

"I really have to finish my essay for Care of Magical Creatures, why don't you study with James? He's better at potions than I am anyway." Harry looked over to James who flashed a huge grin.

"Yeah, Lily, I'd be happy to study with you. I already finished my essay." James said casually.

"Sounds great. You want to meet in the Library at 8 and we can do rounds after?" Lily asked.

"Sure thing."

Harry smiled over at Remus who smiled back.

The rest of the meal went by with small talk and banter. After the tables cleared themselves, Sirius stood quickly and disappeared. Lily went off with her friends and left James, Remus, and Harry walking down the hallway back to the dorm.

"Do you guys know what the bloody hell is up with Padfoot?" James asked. "He's been all weird since Transfiguration."

Remus gave Harry a pointed look and Harry shook his head, which caused Remus to lean over and pinch Harry who yelped a little. James turned to them and saw the mutinous look Harry gave Remus.

"What's going on? I'm feeling left out here." James said looking from one boy's face to the other.

"Harry…he might be able to help…" Remus started and Harry punched him lightly in the arm.

"Help with what?" James said.

"Nothing. It's fine. I gotta work on this essay." Harry said throwing Remus a warning look, mumbled the password and climbed through the portrait hole.

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Harry had finally finished his essay and headed up to the dorms. James and Lily still hadn't returned from rounds and Remus was in the library. Harry threw his books on top of his trunk and made his way to the bathrooms. He stood in front of the mirror staring at the bruise that was a dark purple and surrounded his right eye and down onto his cheek. He touched it gingerly. He shook his head and pulled off his shirt. He turned when the door opened and Sirius walked in and closed the door behind him. Harry didn't say anything and Sirius looked at him before reaching over and turning the lock.

Harry stayed where he was, still holding his shirt in his hands. With three wide steps Sirius reached Harry and in one smooth movement pulled him into a kiss. It was wet and rough, and Harry felt Sirius' hands on his chest and in his hair and finally he dropped his t-shirt and put his hand in the boy's hair and pulled him closer. Sirius pushed Harry back until he was up against the sink. He was surprised when he felt Sirius' hands move to his pants and begin undoing the button.

It was Harry that pulled away this time. Pushing Sirius back so that he could slight away from the sink. His breath was coming in heavy pants and he could Sirius' in the same way. Sirius had both hands on the sink and it seemed to be the only thing holding him up.

"Sirius…" Harry said. Sirius looked up at him in the mirror and Harry saw a mix of confusion, lust and fear in his eyes.

"Lets…not." Was all Sirius said before walking to the door, unlocking it and leaving Harry once again staring after him.


	8. Bloody Hell

This is a really long chapter. To all of my wonderful reviewers who are a lovely light in the darkness!! Thank you so much for your reviews. You're all fantastic, honestly.

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Harry had never been one to judge a particular day of the week. In his experience every day had the potential to become very good or extraordinarily bad. However, he had decided already, before even having finished his breakfast that perhaps he Mondays were not to be trusted.

He sat holding his head up with his hand, his eyelids falling shut every few seconds as he listened to Sirius and James have one of the worst arguments he'd ever witnessed, and he'd witnessed a fair few, while Remus tried to mediate and Lily only made things worse.

"You're being a right git, Sirius, and I don't even know why." James spat out before shoving a large spoonful of eggs into his mouth.

Sirius' face contorted into an expression of pure loathing, and as he spoke there was malice laced in his tone. "You know perfectly well _why_. James."

"Well, the _why_ don't you enlighten me?"

"The reason you _think _I'm being a git is because you are a damn fool, who cannot see beyond his own big head."

"MY big head! You're one to talk! Spending 15 minutes in front of the mirror every morning!" James' face had flushed a little at the insult and he stole a guilty glance at Lily.

"I'm not the one who flies around the pitch yelling orders like some sort of admiral." Sirius shot back.

"Perhaps if you spent a little less time tossing your hair and posing for your little fan club during practice I wouldn't have to remind you of what position you play."

"Guys. Why don't you settle down? People are starting to stare." Even Remus' quiet voice had an edge that showed he was tired of this argument.

"Quite!" Lily said snappily, "After all the both of you, have big heads so that's not really much of an argument!" She stood up and gathered her things and stormed out of the Great Hall.

"Now look what you've done!" James shouted at Sirius, and then he too, gathered his things and hurried after Lily.

After James' departure Sirius let out a long breath and Harry noted the sadness in his eyes as he grabbed his own bag and headed over to a group of Ravenclaw girls who were laughing and waving at him. Harry felt a pang deep in his heart as he watched one of the girls, Lauren something, lean into him and smile. Under the table his fist was clenched and the knuckles were white, he was wide awake now as he watched Sirius brush the hair out of Lauren's eyes and smile down at her.

He felt rage boiling under his skin and pure jealousy bubbling up at his core. He was wandering down an irrational train of thought when Remus' hand on his elbow brought him back.

"It's his way of dealing with things, Harry. It really means nothing to him. They don't ever mean anything to him." Remus' voice was low and Harry understood the other boy was walking a fine line between his two friends and that perhaps his loyalties were a bit confused.

"Well that explains a great deal." Harry's voice was colder than he'd intended, he watched as Sirius kissed Lauren's check and laughed as she turned a deep shade of red.

"Oh, Harry." Remus followed his gaze and shook his head. "I'm sorry, I just…I don't know what to say."

Harry sighed and gave Remus a little smile, "No matter, Rem. I'm just a bit out of sorts today. I suppose we have some sort of class that involves some sort of professor and something to do with learning, no doubt?"

"I suppose, we could always find something else to do though, avoid all that dreadful learning." Remus was standing now with his bag thrown over his shoulder.

Harry stood too and then pretended to stumble a bit in shock. "Remus! Oh dear. Prefects of old are rolling in their graves as they here the treachery of which you speak." He laid his hand across his heart for dramatic effect. Remus laughed and the boys headed out of the Great Hall.

As they came across the foyer, Remus stopped and stared wistfully out the open door that led to the courtyard. Harry came up and threw his arm about his shoulders.

"All sarcasm has root in truth, so they say." Harry smiled and stared out the door as well.

"Oh, lets just go." Harry laughed at Remus' purposeful stride and hurried to catch up.

It seemed, as though, the minute the set foot outside of the castle there was a kind of freedom thrown upon them. They raced down to the lake, making their way sneakily past the greenhouses and found a tree, perfectly hidden from view in all directions. It was a little oasis just for them.

They sat down and looked out over the lake saying nothing at all for several minutes. When suddenly Remus begun to laugh. Harry looked at him quizzically.

"I'm sorry, it's just that. Sirius and James have been trying to get me to skive class for nearly seven years now. They're going to be in a certain state when they discover I've been lazing about with you under a tree when we're supposed to be in potions." He continued to laugh and Harry shook his head.

"Lets not tell them today, it'll only start another row." Harry said picking at the grass.

"Why do you suppose Sirius is in such a mood? I mean, James and him have been playing quidditch for years. And James has always shouted orders at Sirius and Sirius has always flounced around showing off. Why it should result in a twenty minute argument today, is beyond me." Remus was digging through his bag, in search of either chocolate or a book. Harry said nothing and for a while Remus didn't notice. However, once he came up with two chocolate frogs and had handed one to Harry, he titled his head and raised his eyebrows.

"What?" Harry asked lightly as he bit off the right leg of his frog.

"What yourself. You're a bit off as well. Did something happen with you two? Is that why he's being so impossible?"

"Are you asking me if it's my fault?" Harry said looking out over the lake, one tentacle belonging to the giant Squid poked out above the surface for a minute before disappearing again.

"Oh, I'm sure it's his fault. But what did happen?" Remus was staring avidly at Harry, with a concerned look on his face. "Come on, Harry, if you can't talk to me…who will you tell?"

"Perhaps, I don't want to tell anybody." Harry looked at Remus and knew the boy was unconvinced. "Oh fine then. But you must promise not to go off and lecture him. I know you've been wanting to since I told you about the last time."

Remus sighed. "Well, all right then."

"Usually when you're up in the hospital wing, I put the silencing charm on to keep from waking the others," Harry raised a hand to stop Remus' protests. "I know, I know. What if there was a fire and I couldn't hear the warning. But, Remus, it's different when you're there. You wake me before it gets too bad off. When you're not…well I don't want everyone to know I'm slightly unhinged. But anyway, I was tired and I forgot to do the charm…"

Harry leaned back on his elbows and began telling Remus about the night before.

_Flashback_

Harry was trapped in his dreams again, he was in the midst of the battle but he wasn't fighting. He couldn't affect the things that were happening around him. He watched Hermione firing curses off at a two death eaters and he wanted to shout to her but he could not make the words come. He was forced to watch as a third came up behind her and a shot of green light hit her in the back. She fell in slow motion. And Harry screamed.

He wasn't sure how long he screamed but when he awoke he was panting and he could not slow the rush of tears that came to him. He sat up in his bed and wept. He was surprised when his bed curtains were pulled back and someone slid into the bed next to him. Maybe it was that he was already so unsettled, but irrationally he thought it was Remus, though he knew perfectly well it was not.

"I can't make it stop. I don't want to keep seeing them die." His voice was weak and tears continued to stream down his face.

It wasn't until the other boy had pulled Harry to him that Harry knew it was Sirius who was in his bed. Sirius held him tightly and they lay down. Harry wanted to object, to pull away, but he was far too exhausted. He let himself be held and let the tears run their course. Sirius gently ran a hand through Harry's hair and whispered to him.

"It'll be all right. I promise. You're all right."

And Harry had cried. When he had cried himself dry he turned in Sirius' arms and faced him. He stared for a long time in silence at the beautiful boy, there was worry in the grey eyes and Harry felt like crying again when he saw it. He put his hand on the boy's cheek and pushed Sirius' long black hair out of his eyes.

And then they were kissing, but unlike before it was soft and gentle. Sirius was tentative when his tongue gained entrance into Harry's mouth and it was a kiss that seemed to go on forever. When Sirius finally pulled back, Harry thought he would push him away. But Sirius pulled him closer and held him tightly. And Harry had fallen asleep.

When he woke up the next morning, Sirius had already gone. They had quidditch practice so James was gone as well. He showered and dressed and made his bed. And he was getting ready to leave just as James and Sirius came back. There was a definite tension between them and James slammed his way into the bathroom. Sirius followed banging on the door.

"Oi! There's more than one shower in there." He yelled.

"Well I don't care to be any closer to you than necessary." James shouted through the door. "So you can just wait until I'm done!"

"Fine!"

"Good!"

Sirius had stormed around the room for a while, before he finally relented and looked at Harry who had been watching him.

"I just wanted to say thank you, for last night." Harry offered.

"Fine. Well. Good." Sirius' voice was hard and he didn't meet Harry's eyes.

"Sirius…" Harry wanted to say so many things.

"Don't, Pierson, just leave it. It wasn't a big deal." Sirius said as he began to change. Harry looked away.

"Right then. I'm going to get Remus for breakfast." Sirius didn't acknowledge him as he walked out the door.

End Flashback

Harry looked at Remus who looked caught between anger and guilt. "Harry I'm sorry."

"Oh come off it. You couldn't have been there. I should have remembered the charm." Harry pushed him lightly.

"Sirius shouldn't be doing this to you. Nothing has happened in weeks though right?"

"Not since the bathroom." Harry sighed.

"You sure I can't lecture him just a little?" Remus gave him what he probably thought was a puppy dog type look.

"No. Leave it. You promised." Harry looked at him sternly.

"Oh all right. But he'd deserve it." Remus stated firmly. "Anyway, I was thinking we should find you someone else anyway…there's this guy in Ravenclaw, Tim or Tony something…"

Remus had rambled for a while about Tim or Tony for a while. And they had gradually left Sirius behind.

"So, are you going home for Christmas then?" Harry asked Remus.

"I suppose. I really wish I didn't have to. But with whatever it is that they're doing at the school. I can't stay here over break." Remus' voice was sad.

They had been told the week before that all students would have to leave over Christmas break because there was some sort of conference being held, and wizards were coming from all over Europe.

"I was thinking…I'm going to start looking for a house in London. I've got all the inheritance and I have to have somewhere to go after school is finished. Would you consider coming to stay with me over break?" Harry asked.

"Harry, I would love to—but it wouldn't be safe." Remus shook his head.

"We could find a place with a cellar and see about getting it warded and have a silencing charm put up." Harry said, "I know there are wizards who'll do it for pay."

"That will be very expensive. You shouldn't go to all the trouble."

"Rem. Come on, don't be all noble. It's not a favor to you really. I can't imagine being all alone for nearly two months. And maybe if I don't bother you too much, we can just live together after school lets out too. You wouldn't have to deal with your father and his prejudice anymore." Harry looked at him, "I don't have many friends, none so good as you."

Remus smiled brightly at this, "Well, when you put it like that. It's hard to refuse."

"Good. It's settled then. You'll write to your parents?" Harry smiled.

"Straight away."

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They were nearly late to their dueling class after having skipped out of Potions entirely. When they slid through the door they were met with a curious look and a thumbs up from James and a stony look from Sirius. Soon enough, a tall black man entered the room. He was dressed in auror's robes and strode to the front of the room.

"Hello. I am Kingsley Shaklebolt. I'm a third tier auror, which is to say I've been out of training and on direct duty for three years. For those of you interested in a career your training lasts about two yeas, followed by a one-year trial period and then you begin your direct duty. I will be teaching this class once a week. I do apologize for having to start so late, but there were pressing matters at the Ministry that kept me away…"

Harry smiled at Kingsley. The man looked exactly as he had when he had known him. The same proud and strong air about him. He switched his attention to Sirius who was sitting in the corner alone. He looked simply bored, but Harry sensed he was brooding.

Finally, after walking through the basics of dueling etiquette he called Remus and a Ravenclaw boy named Toby to the front. Remus caught Harry's eye and winked inclining his head toward the other boy. Harry laughed silently but looked over the other boy. He had an almost auburn colored hair and deep brown eyes. He was attractive no doubt, but he seemed too soft around the edges for Harry. The boys began to duel and three curses in Remus had brought it to the end with a full body bind and a silencing charm.

"Well done, Mr. Lupin. Now you stay here and who would like to have the next go. We'll see who can't stay up here the longest."

James jumped up at once and the duel between the two friends was quite exciting to watch. Remus was felled, however, when he moved too quickly in avoidance of a jelly-legs curse and tripped. He fell to the ground and didn't have time to get his shield spell up before James shot the full body bind off at him.

Harry remained silent as each person rotated through, James lasted four rounds only to be ousted by Sirius who then lasted through until a small, frightened Hufflepuff girl had somehow managed to disarm him who lasted only two seconds against Severus Snape. Harry stepped up; this was who he had been waiting for.

They bowed to each other and Harry silently raised his shield. Snape's first two curses were shot out in rapid succession but bounced off Harry's shield and rebounded on to the bricks. Harry quickly dropped his shield and shot of three curses right after another.

The second curse hit its mark and Snape was laughing uncontrollably. He aimed his wand at Harry, who sidestepped it easily. Harry threw another curse at Snape as he was attempting to mutter the counter to the laughing spell. Suddenly Snape's hair was bright pink and growing very quickly. Finally able to stop his laughter, Snape did not even notice his hair and sent off another group of curses Harry's way. One hit Harry in the left leg and he felt as if he had been dunked in freezing water. Shivering he muttered 'finite' and turned his attention back to Snape who had managed to stop his hair from growing but could not make it shorter or change the color back. He now had pink hair down to the middle of his back. His face was furiously red and Harry laughed.

"You know, Severus, they say pink is the new black." At Harry's words the other boy's face grew even redder and he growled.

"Shut up, Pierson."

"Original." Harry laughed as he simply stepped to the side to avoid another of Snape's curses. He yawned and shot another curse at the man who was suddenly wrapped in ropes and fell to the ground.

"Well, done Harry. Very well done." Kinglsey slapped him on the back and turned to the class. "You see how calm Mr. Pierson was? Mr. Snape you could take a lesson on it. When you get emotional during a duel you lose focus, when you lose focus you lose the duel."

"Very well. I would like you to pick a partner and practice twice a week. No harming each other please. And give me one foot on two spells that are not normally used in dueling which could be beneficial."

The class filed out with an excited burst of energy, a few of the girls were talking about how gorgeous Kingsley was and others were still laughing about Snape's pink hair. Remus and James caught up with Harry followed by a quiet and sullen Sirius.

" You really are good, mate. Maybe the four of us could practice all together?" James asked, his bad mood from the morning completely gone.

"Sounds good to me."

Remus headed off to History of Magic, while the boys had a free period. The remaining three headed off to Gryffindor tower. Along the way they lost Sirius to Lauren who 'happened' to be waiting just down the hall for no apparent reason.

"So, I've been thinking about what you said. And after this morning with what Sirius said, I wanted to ask you if you think it's true that I have too big a head." James' voice was serious and he didn't look at Harry when he spoke.

Harry looked at him. "Well, it is a little large but it does seem proportionate with the rest of you."

James looked at him for a moment not comprehending before it dawned on him and he smacked Harry in the arm. "You know what I mean."

"Well, I don't think Lily really thinks that. Which is really what you're asking." Harry smiled at James' blush. "She was just fed up with the argument. I think you're really starting to get somewhere with her."

James' grin widened. "I think so too. I really do."

"Speak of the devil." Harry said and waved at Lily who was coming down the hall. "Hey there. Head girl. How's it going?"

Lily made her way to the boys. "Did you hear about Professor Sprout? Apparently she got roughed up by the Whomping Willow while pruning it. And has cancelled her classes for the day."

"She alright though?" James asked and Lily beamed at him.

"I'm sure. Pomfrey will take care of her."

"Good, then."

Harry gave James a thumbs up when Lily turned to speak with a girl who was passing by.

"So what are you plans then for the afternoon?" Lily asked turning back. "I'm heading to the library to get a start on the Potions essay…where were you in potions by the way?"

Harry smiled mischievously. "Wouldn't you like to know."

"You know Harry, we've got N.E. coming up and you should really not skip class, I hope Remus isn't ill again. He wasn't in class either."

"Oh I'm sure he's fine, my dearest Head Girl." Harry laughed and James shook his head.

"You know you can stop with this 'head girl' nonsense, really." Lily tossed her long hair back over her shoulder.

"I could…" Harry laughed and Lily pushed him lightly.

"So, anyone for the Library then?" She said.

"I'll go. I may as well get this essay out of the way too." James said and Harry winked at him.

"All right. Lets go then. See you 'round, Harry." Lily and James made there way toward the library and Harry continued wandering down the hall with no direction really.

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Harry had spent the free period in the common room playing a game of chess with one of the fourth year boys, named Michael. Finally, it was time for lunch and he made his way alone down to the Great Hall. Class was just about to be let out so he figured he'd wait in the foyer for the others.

He was just about to come around the corner to the foyer when he heard footsteps behind him. He turned to find Snape, and younger versions of Crabbe and Goyle coming up behind him.

"Well, well, well. Pierson. Nobody to protect you now is there." Snape's drawled.

"I'm very well capable at protecting myself, as you saw earlier." Harry smiled.

"Such ego." Snape bit out. And without hesitation he threw a hex at Harry.

Harry was quicker and his shield was up causing the curse to bounce off and hit Goyle, his face erupting in boils. Snape pointed his wand at Goyle and muttered the counter. Then all three of them faced Harry and sent hexes his way. Harry dodged and blocked some of them but was hit in his right shoulder with a hammer curse, which made a sickening cracking noise.

The curses flew and Crabbe was hit with a leg-locker curse, while Goyle battled with a vine that was slowly encircling him. Again, Snape came to their rescue and they came back in full force.

A crowd had started to gather, Harry was only seeing them threw the periphery of his eyes. He momentarily thought that a teacher should be by soon but that distraction had caused him to be once again hit with the freezing charm Snape had used earlier.

Curses continued to be thrown, Harry was shivering but didn't have time to counter the curse. He pushed on and was thrown back as Snape tried to disarm him, but he kept his wand. From the ground he hit Crabbe with a stupefy and the large boy was left unconscious on the ground.

"You're a coward, Snape. Can't even fight your own battles." He threw out the words as he sent another stunning spell at Snape who blocked it.

"What is going on—HARRY!" It was Lily, with James in tow.

"Ah, the cavalry." Snape said and Harry turned to look at them. Remus had arrived as well and Sirius was with him with a strange look on his face. This moment of consideration cost Harry greatly.

"_Sectumsempra!"_ Snape shouted and Harry's shield was too late. He felt the invisible knives tear through his damaged skin cutting deep. Harry brought his hand to his lower abdomen and it when he brought it back up it was covered in blood. There were several screams from the gathered students and Harry saw through the black spots appearing in his vision that Sirius had jumped Snape and was beating the other boy with his fists. James caught up to him and was trying to pull him off while Remus and Lily were suddenly at his side.

"Somebody get a teacher!" Lily yelled and two girls ran off. Harry's vision was getting dim and he was standing only by sheer force of will. "And POMFREY!"

"Harry? It's going to be all right. We'll get Pomfrey. She's coming." Remus' voice was soft and it comforted him.

Suddenly the room spun violently and all Harry could mutter was "Bloody hell." Before the darkness overtook him.

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AN: For all you people who don't like evil Snape, give me the benefit of the doubt. Snape is a conflicting character and we shall be seeing more sides of him soon.

Please REVIEW!


	9. Wizard or Not

This update is just for my reviewers. You all make me so very happy.

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Harry knew he was in the hospital wing before he opened his eyes. He could feel the crisp sheets around him and smell the cleanliness. He could hear the voices echoing slightly off the tall ceiling. He listened for a while, trying to remember what had happened.

"Albus, this boy has scars all over him. And most of them were healed by someone who had no idea what they were doing. The scar tissue on his abdomen is probably the only thing that kept him alive. Those cuts were deep. Aimed to kill, not wound, not frighten." Pomfrey's voice was as crisp and commanding as it had been when Harry had known her before.

"I know, Poppy. I just don't know what to do with Severus. He seems to be falling into darkness, and to expel him would only push him further." The headmaster's tone was tired and he let out a great sigh. "Well, I'll have to get back to the meeting. The teachers are discussing what we do from here. Please do let his friends into see him. I imagine it will do him good, I'm nearly sure they are all he has."

Harry continued to listen as two sets of footsteps exited the hospital wing. After a few minutes he knew his friends had been allowed in. He heard them whispering as they walked toward him.

"Do you think the expel Snape?" that was James.

"I don't know." Lily said. "There has only been one student ever expelled."

"Well Snape would deserve it." Sirius' voice was hard as steel.

"I've never seen so much blood." Lily continued not paying any attention to Sirius' comment.

"Me either," Remus broke in his voice was laced with fear. "Those cuts were so deep."

They had made it to his bed and Harry could hear the sound of them pulling up chairs. Harry felt the bed dip as Remus sat down. He opened his eyes and met Remus' immediately.

"Hey," Remus smiled a little. "How are you?"

"I'm fantastic. Good as new. Lets get outta here." Harry tried to laugh but wheezed instead.

Harry tried to sit up but pain seared across his stomach and made him dizzy.

"Harry. You don't have to sit up." Lily scolding slightly.

"I want to. Rem, help me please?" Harry looked at Remus.

Remus leaned over and pulled him upward gently. James reached behind him and arranged the pillows so that he could lay back on them.

"So, _sectumsempra_ lovely little charm. Must have Snape teach it to me." Harry smiled and his bad joke got only sympathetic smiles in return. "So what's the damage?"

Harry looked at Remus who sighed, "The spell cut very deep, you lost a lot of blood. It nicked a lung, which is why it's hard for you to breathe or laugh. The cut on your abdomen would have killed you but for the scar tissue that you've got built up. You'll be in here for two days, Pomfrey says."

Harry nodded and shifted his eyes to Sirius, "And Snape?" Sirius hung his head a bit.

"Sirius bloodied him up pretty badly, but it wasn't anything Pomfrey couldn't fix. He's up in Dumbledore's office now. They're having a meeting about whether or not to expel him." Lily spoke quietly and Harry could tell that as upset as she was that he was hurt, it still pained her that Snape might be expelled.

Harry was quiet for a few minutes. He leaned his head back against the pillows and closed his eyes. The pain in his abdomen throbbed, but he'd felt worse.

"You and James, have the password to Dumbledore's office right Lily?" Harry said finally,

"Yeah, why?" She looked at him with a curious expression.

"Please go there and tell them not to expel him." Harry said.

Lily's eyes were shocked but she smiled, Remus allowed himself a small smile, but Sirius and James' had the same reaction:

"WHAT?" They both jumped from their seats.

They both began shouting and Harry could only understand every few words so mostly what he got from their diatribe was:

"KILLED YOU!"

"GREASY COWARD!"

"ALMOST DIED"

and "EVIL GIT"

Harry held his hand up. "I know. I know. He could have killed me. And maybe that was his intention. But, I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. And from what I hear…Sirius…there was a time when you were in his shoes."

"That was completely different!" Sirius said but the passion had drained from his voice and he had paled slightly.

"Was it?" Remus asked quietly.

The boys sat down and a tense silence stretched over them.

"Also, I mean, I can't let him leave the school having got the better of me in a duel. My reputation would be in shambles." Harry winked at Remus, and everyone laughed a little.

"Lily, James…please go before they make a decision." Lily nodded and her and James stood. Lily leaned over and kissed him on the forehead.

"We'll see you in the morning. Pomfrey said we could have breakfast with you if you felt up to it." James said.

"Sounds good."

They left the room and Sirius moved to sit in Lily's seat so he was a little closer to the bed.

Harry looked at him, "So you roughed him up pretty bad then." He glanced at Sirius' bruised fists.

Sirius smiled a little, "Yeah. And for some reason Pomfrey refused to heal the bruises completely so he'll be walking around looking like a raccoon."

Harry laughed lightly. Madam Pomfrey bustled back in and Harry smiled at her, she looked young but just as fierce as ever.

"All right boys. You'll have to head out now." She set some bandages and a few vials of bright blue potion on the table next to Harry's bed.

Remus and Sirius nodded and stood.

Harry looked at Pomfrey. "Would it be all right if Remus stayed with me tonight? I don't fancy sleeping alone, that way if I need to get up and use the restroom or something…he could help."

Remus gave Harry a look of understanding. Pomfrey looked as if she wanted to argue but finally she nodded her head. "All right then. Mr. Lupin if you want to gather some things and come back after dinner. But I warn you, he needs his sleep."

"Of course, Madam." Remus gave Harry's shoulder a squeeze and he headed for the door. Harry caught Sirius' eye and was surprised at the hurt that was swimming in them.

"Sirius…" Harry began but didn't know quiet how to finish.

"I'll see you for breakfast then." Sirius said and followed Remus out the door.

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Madam Pomfrey had changed his bandages and given him a painkiller. A house elf had appeared with a tray of dinner for him and Harry was half-way through his meal when the door opened and Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Slughorn walked in.

They sat down in the chairs around Harry's bed.

"How are you feeling Harry?" Dumbledore asked and Harry wanted to laugh. How many times had Dumbledore asked him that?

"Still a little sore. But nothing that Madam Pomfrey can't mend." He smiled.

"Very well." Dumbledore returned his smile, "Now about Severus. Lily and James burst into my office adamant that you did not want Severus expelled."

"I don't." Harry stated and he noticed the strange look the other two professors were giving him.

"Harry. This is a very serious offense. You could have died." McGonagall's voice was as clipped.

"I know, Professor. It just doesn't seem right." Harry shrugged.

"Do you mind if I ask you what you mean?" Dumbledore said.

"I don't think it's right. He hasn't had it easy, I don't think." Harry said.

"Well, what do you think a suitable punishment would be?" McGonagall asked.

"I'm not sure. But I don't think expelling him is going to make him a better person." Harry said looking at Dumbledore who nodded in agreement.

"Quite right, Harry. Very mature. Well. We'll leave you to finish your meal and get some rest."

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Remus had come back an hour or so before dinner. He had brought Harry's homework and they had worked at it for the better part of an hour before Remus seemed to explode with his own curiosity. Harry was writing down the final answer for his charms assignment and was closing his book when he looked up to find Remus staring at him.

"Uh oh." Harry said and Remus rolled his eyes. "What?"

"It's just—I was thinking about your tattoo." Remus, unlike most people, didn't look away when he was asking a personal question.

"Yeah?" Harry set the book on the bedside table and faced Remus who sat on the bed next to him.

"It's just that…Kingsley…and it's not a very common name."

"Your mind is always working in overdrive, Rem." Harry closed his eyes, trying to decide if lying about something like this was as bad as it made him feel. "Today was the first time I met the auror. The Kingsley I knew was an entirely different person."

Harry tried to console himself for lying to his best friend. He told himself, if you looked at it from a timeline perspective it really was, the first time he'd met Kingsley. And the fresh young man, Harry had met today was a far cry from the war-worn hardened man Harry had known. _Technically_, it wasn't completely untrue, but only technically.

Remus nodded and seemed to be considering if he wanted to ask more questions. "Can you tell me, about your life before you got here?"

Harry sighed. "Rem. You're my best mate. And I trust you. But it's hard. I traveled a lot…and a group of friends that were a long with me…we got into some trouble. Came up against some people, who thought a lot like Sirius' family. They were perhaps a little more aggressive with their tactics. I did what I could, but I couldn't stop it. I couldn't save them."

"Oh." The word was small, and Remus was looking at him with a look that told Harry he understood and that he wouldn't press any further.

"I want a fresh start…away from all of that. I want to just be me. Does that make sense." Harry looked at Remus who nodded.

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The next morning the rest of the group showed up and the house elves brought them all a mini-feast. They laughed and joked and there was a general lightness in their conversation that had been absent the night before.

"So, I've been thinking. It's getting close to Christmas. We're going to need to come up with something spectacular before break. We've been slacking lately." Sirius said looking at James.

"Yea. I've been thinking that too. I'm just not sure what. It has to be something original…something that will really "wow" everyone." James agreed.

Harry laughed when Remus gave him a look of pleading and raised his hands, "Far be it from me to deny these gents some happiness."

To everyone's surprise it was Lily who spoke up with an unusual twinkle in her eye, "Well…I have an idea…"

-----------------------------------

"Oh this is just too brilliant. Lily where have you been all our pranking days?" Sirius grabbed Lily around the waist and spun her around and she laughed before demanding he put her down. They were putting the finishing touches on their plan just as James came crashing through the door covered in snow.

"All right, Hagrid is in and so are the house elves." He said grinning wickedly.

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The next day was a flurry of activity. Everyone was running around Gryffindor tower packing and organizing. Clothes were flung around the room. Currently Sirius was half-under Remus' bed looking for a lost shoe, and James was sitting on his trunk trying to get it closed. Remus and Harry both already packed were chatting on the bed about their upcoming plans for finding a house.

Lily opened the door and shook her head when she saw the other two's chaos. "What is Sirius doing?"

"Looking for a shoe." Remus said.

"Oh honestly, are you wizards or not?" With a flick of her wand James' trunk slammed closed and locked itself and with another wave and a quiet _accio_ Sirius' shoe flew out from the bathroom. Lily threw the shoe at Sirius and rolled her eyes.

"Are we ready then? The feast is starting soon." She smiled broadly and one look at James told Harry that there was no doubt in James' mind he was going to be marrying this woman.


	10. Naughty and Nice

AN: You reviewers have inspired me. I can't help but keep writing what with your wonderful comments and suggestions. Thank you!

PS- I did try to write some from Sirius' POV but it didn't feel right with the story. So I think we'll stay the way we've been going.

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There didn't seem to be anything out of the ordinary throughout the beginning of the feast, except perhaps that the group of Gryffindors seemed to be unusually quiet and their occasional bursts of laughter made a few people around them a little uneasy. The Headmaster had given his speech, the food had been served and a great excited chatter broke out amongst the students. The excitement of the upcoming break temporarily relieved the tension of OWLs and NEWTs that were coming up quickly. No one aside from Minerva noticed the rather glaring absence of Hagrid.

Lily, James, Harry, Sirius, and Remus shared a mischievous look as dessert appeared at the table and they didn't have to wait long before the first signs of their great endeavor appeared.

It came in the form of a small fourth year Ravenclaw who loudly exclaimed "What the hell?!" as the word **naughty **appeared on the forehead of the girl next to him. Suddenly words began slowly appearing on the faces of everyone in the hall.

Harry gave a goofy grin to Remus when the word **naughty **appeared on his friend's head, "Must have been skiving class, Rem." And the entire table laughed. As it turned out not even Lily was labeled as **nice**. There was a great chuckle from Dumbledore as **naughty** appeared on McGonagall's forehead. The entire Slytherian table was labeled **naughty**, while nearly all the Hufflepuffs were **nice**. The Ravenclaws and Gryffindors had a pretty even mix.

The group of Gryffindors were watching the door with great expectation when it suddenly burst open and admitted Hagrid and all his bulk dressed in red and white and carrying a large bag over his shoulder. Behind Hagrid a stream of house elves flowed in dressed in green and wearing pointy little shoes.

"HAPPY CHRISTMAS!" Hagrid boomed as he and the house elves began handing out small packages.

Those labeled nice received a miniature firework display as they opened their packages while anyone labeled naughty received a large lump of coal that once taken out of the package burst from the hands of whomever had touched it and began shouting the reason that person had been declared naughty, secrets burst out across the hall:

From the Ravenclaw table they heard:

"Cheated on Charms homework!"

"Stole a Chocolate Frog"

From the Slytherian tables came:

"Hexed a first year!"

"Hexed a fourth year!"

"Tried to kill Harry Pierson"

The four friends looked at each other and with broad grins picked up their own lumps of coal.

"Skipped class!" Harry and Remus laughed when their coal screamed the same thing.

"Planned a prank with James Potter and Sirius Black." Everybody laughed as half the Gryffindors stared at Lily in awe.

"Lied to Harry Pierson." The laughter amongst the group came to a sudden halt and Harry's eyes flew to Sirius who was now staring down at the table. Something cold settled in Harry's stomach and he felt his face flush. Remus put his hand on Harry's arm but Harry pulled away and stood up.

"Harry…" Lily stood to go after him but Remus shook his head and looked at Sirius hard.

"Harry asked me not to say anything to you, he told me not to lecture you." Remus began in a quiet rage. "But…bloody hell…Padfoot. You can't keep doing this. You don't understand what he's been through. And you're hurting him because you're selfish!"

James and Lily looked between Remus and Sirius confused and surprised. Sirius, however, was already on the defensive.

"Well you're pretty damn close with him. I wouldn't want to step on anyone's toes and interrupt young love!" Sirius spat at Remus.

"You're an idiot! You know it isn't like that with us! Anymore than it is with you and James! You're stupid and he's not going to deal with it much longer, so you'd better make up your damn mind. I'm tired of watching him get hurt because you're a prat who is afraid that he likes boys!" Remus hadn't intended to shout quite so loudly but his shouts were lost in the chaos of the Great Hall with the exception of Lily and James who were staring at Sirius with their jaws nearly hitting the table.

Sirius looked at Remus, "I guess I know where your loyalties lie."

Remus pounded his fist on the table in frustration, "I'm not even going to respond to that. But if you don't go after him right now Sirius, I swear to Merlin I will never speak to you again."

His words hung in the silence and after barely a minute Sirius stood and exited the great hall.

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Harry sat on his bed staring out the window. These last few weeks had been so good, they had been comfortable. He and Sirius had joked and laughed and actually talked to each other. Sirius had broken it off with Lauren and things had been…normal. Sirius hadn't been moody and fighting with everyone who crossed his path. And Harry had thought, perhaps, if they became better friends…the rest would follow.

But Harry hated lies. And he didn't know or care what Sirius had lied about, all he knew is that he had trusted the boy and he had been lied to. He didn't turn when the door opened, he figured Remus would be coming a long to tell him to stop moping and get down there and enjoy their prank.

"Rem…I…" Harry turned finally and found not Remus but Sirius staring at him from the doorway.

They were silent for a long time. Neither moved. Finally, Sirius took a tentative step toward Harry. Their eyes locked and Sirius came closer. He made it to the bed and sat down next to Harry. The silence grew heavy and tense and a war was waging in Harry's mind. He wanted nothing more than to lean over and kiss Sirius, to feel the warmth of the other boy. But his rational mind told him he would only get hurt, that Sirius didn't really know what he wanted, and so he did nothing.

Sirius stared at him opening and closing his mouth, as if he wanted to say something but couldn't quite let it out.

"The night, when you had the bad dream. It didn't mean nothing." These words seemed to cost Sirius a great deal, but Harry couldn't muster any sympathy. He was tired of the games. Still Harry said nothing and didn't meet Sirius' eyes.

After a few more minutes of unbearable silence, Sirius grabbed Harry roughly and pulled him toward him. Harry reacted the only way his body would allow. When there lips met there was a spark that Harry could have sworn was visible. The sheer force of their passion seemed to erupt and spill out. Harry pulled Sirius closer and held him tight as he explored the boy's mouth with his tongue. Sirius pulled Harry's shirt roughly over his head and trailed kisses along his collar bone making Harry shiver. Harry pushed up the hem of Sirius' shirt and let out a little moan as his fingers came into contact with warm, soft skin. He flipped Sirius over and held him down to the bed. His pale green eyes clashed with cloudy grey and he leaned down and kissed him again. Pulling Sirius' shirt over his head he brought his mouth down and tasted the salty, sweetness of Sirius' skin. He admired the well toned muscle and the way Sirius sighed when he brought his mouth down and sucked lightly. Sirius was pushing his hips up to meet Harry's and both boys groaned as contact was made.

Harry's mind was a blur of heat and when Sirius unbuttoned Harry's jeans and slipped his hand inside Harry couldn't control the moan of pleasure.

"Stop." It was a horse whisper and Harry was surprised it was his own. Sirius pulled away and there was a look of hurt in his eyes.

Harry stood up and moved away from the bed. He was panting and he rubbed his hands across his face trying to clear his head.

"What?" Sirius said looking at Harry.

"I can't…I don't want to be your experiment. Your test." Harry's voice shook a little. "I want to love you and be with you….I don't just want to shag you, Sirius."

Sirius was silent.

"I just…you're so bloody confusing!" Harry shouted in frustration. "You punch me, you jump me in the bathroom, you crawl into my bed and then ignore me for days and then beat Snape to a bloody pulp and….now…you say this means something but all you have to give is sex…and it just isn't enough."

Sirius stood and moved toward Harry. He put his arms around his waist and when Harry turned his head away, Sirius laid gentle kisses on his neck.

"I don't know what I'm doing." Sirius' voice was muffled by Harry's skin.

Harry tried to push Sirius away and was finally able to remove himself from the other boy's hold.

"And you think I do? I don't know what the hell is going on."

"But…your tattoo…all the…I thought…" Sirius' face was contorted with confusion.

"Sirius. It was a joke. This," Harry motioned to his tattoo, "Is a memorial. And to be honest, I didn't know you well enough to tell you about it."

Sirius seemed to deflate. "I thought, I didn't know…I thought you'd think I wasn't good enough."

"So it was all for pride then?" Harry spat, he wasn't sure where the anger was coming from. It was as if all of the pain from Sirius' behavior had finally boiled to the surface.

"No…Harry…"

"What do you want?" Harry faced him point blank.

"I don't know."

"That's not good enough!." Harry shouted at him and he turned to go. Sirius caught his arm and pulled him roughly back to him and crushed their lips together. Harry pulled away and left the room slamming the door behind him.

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Harry was still panting and fuming when he came down the stairs into the common room. James, Lily and Remus sat around the fire. They looked up as Harry came into the room. Remus stood and went over to Harry pulling the boy into a hug, He tugged Harry over to the couch and he sat between Remus and Lily. Lily grabbed his right hand and Remus was gently rubbing his back. It wasn't until Lily raised her petite hand and wiped away a tear that Harry realized he was crying. Harry caught James' eyes when he looked up and saw there was both anger and confusion there.

Remus looked at James and nodded. "We're all right. Go on."

James got up and made his way to the dormitory.

"What happened Harry?" Lily asked quietly.

"He just wants to use me. He doesn't know what he wants." Harry sighed and scrubbed his face with his hands. "This is so stupid, I feel like a girl."

"Hey!" Lily smacked him and Harry laughed.

They sat sitting, staring at the fire as Lily held his hand and Remus rubbed circles on his back.

They heard several loud crashes from the direction of the dorm room and muffled shouting. Harry moved to stand.

"Don't Harry. James can handle him. He's seen him like this before." Remus said.

"So, you guys are getting a house then?" Lily asked smiling.

"Yeah. We'll be staying at the Leaky Cauldron while we look. Once we find it, you'll have to come stay with us. Maybe do Christmas with us or New Years." Harry said and Remus nodded with a big smile.

Another loud crash came and Remus stood up. "I'll be right back."

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Harry had tried to get it out of Remus and James what had happened the night before with Sirius but they wouldn't tell him. Sirius had distanced himself from everyone but James and that morning Harry and Remus had caught him and some Hufflepuff 6th year snogging just outside the Great Hall. Harry had caught Sirius' eyes and if he had cared he would have seen the hint of shame in them as an apology.

Remus and Harry were sitting in the compartment alone when James and Lily got back from their rounds. Remus was reading a book and Harry was staring idly out the window.

"It'll be nice to get a break from all this." Lily said sitting down. James seemed to fall into the seat and laid down with his head on Lily's lap. Lily had begun absently stroking James' hair. The two of them had gotten so much closer since the beginning of the year but as far as Harry knew they weren't an official couple just yet.

Remus closed his book and looked at the two of them with a smile on his face. "So you guys will be coming over to the house for a bit then?"

"Of course!" Lily said excitedly. "You'll sound an owl as soon as you're ready? I would absolutely adore getting away from Petunia. She has gotten to be terribly unbearable."

"I'm there mates, but you're still coming to Christmas at my place?" James asked.

Remus nodded, "My parents are going on a holiday anyway."

James looked at Harry who had been silent. "What about you, you'll come right?"

"I don't know. I don't want to impose."

"Oh come off it Harry," Remus said, "You can't spend Christmas alone."

Harry just nodded and then stood up. "I've got to use the loo. I'll be back."

After Harry had left the others burst into action.

"We have got to do something about this. The two of them are positively miserable." Lily said.

"I don't know, Padfoot, seems to be having a good time of it." Remus said curtly.

"Aw, Moony. You know that's just the way he deals with things. And you saw him that night. He was a right mess. And then Harry wouldn't even look at him after…I mean come on." James said.

"I suppose," Remus offered, "So what's our plan?"

Lily smiled and gave them an outline of her plan.

Remus shook his head, "You are devious, Miss Evans."

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Harry and Remus said their goodbyes and promised to write Lily as soon as they were able to have guests. They gave James a hug and watched Sirius join him with a cold look back at Harry and Remus. Harry sighed. Things had gone so very wrong.

The boys made their way through Diaigon Alley and to the Leaky Cauldron. They had reserved a room for the whole week so they would have somewhere to stay while they looked for houses. They decided to spend the day in Diaigon Alley and get started on their hunt tomorrow.

Their first stop was Gringotts where Harry deposited the check he had gotten 20 years in the future and then they headed out for a day of Christmas Shopping.

The first stop was Flourish and Botts where Remus found a book titled Magic and Motorcycle Maintenance for Sirius, the boy had been going on about buying himself a Motorbike with the money his uncle had left him. Harry got a beautiful journal for Lily that never ran out of pages. From there they stopped at Quality Quidditch supplies and they split the cost of a miniature quidditch set for James. They stopped and got an ice cream before wandering the alley for a bit longer. Harry bought an Owl and named her Hedwig although this one was nearly black in color. They picked out an expensive bottle of Muggle wine for the Potters who Remus assured Harry would love it. It was near dinner when they arrived back at the Leaky Couldron and they ate quickly before practically falling into bed for the evening.

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They had seen four houses already and they only had one day left before they would be out of the Leaky Couldron. It seemed it was overbooked something to do with some sort of Ministry Christmas gathering that was going on. So the boys were determined that today was the day they would find their house.

Harry wasn't sure what exactly he was looking for except that it needed to have a cellar. They had spoken with a Goblin named Grunglu at Gringotts and he had agreed to help them with the purchase. They were walking now to the final suggestion Grunglu had given them. The approached the address and as they walked down the street the were suddenly surrounded by a number of townhouses. They looked carefully at the address and came to number 17 Mercer Terrace. The house on the outside looked very much the same as all of the others. They approached the door and unlocked the home with the key Grunglu had given them .

Grunglu had said that this house had belonged to wizards and that they had altered it in some magical ways but that it still housed a muggle kitchen and electricity.

They entered the foyer and were surprised at the natural light that seemed to strike every corner of the room. They turned their eyes to the ceiling to see that a bright blue sky with the sun peaking out from behind the clouds above them.

Remus whistled, "Wow. It's just like at Hogwarts." They walked through the rest of the house, which consisted of four bedrooms, and two bathrooms upstairs, a study that was fully stocked with muggle and magical books, a living room, the kitchen, and a dining room.

The house had a wonderful cozy feeling to it, and the fireplace in the living room was already hooked up to the floo. After walking around the house once more they finally came to a closet door that reminded Harry very much of his closet on Privet Drive. When he opened the closet he found that it led down to a staircase.

They followed the staircase down to a cellar. There was a heavy metal door at the bottom of the stairs that opened up into what Harry assumed was the wine cellar. They stood in the middle of the stone room and Harry turned to Remus.

"Well? What do you think?"

Remus smiled. "I think this is wonderful."

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Harry had spent all morning filling out paperwork to purchase the house. And arranging to have spell casters come in and fortify the cellar with wards that were time set every full-moon and silencing charms. Harry didn't tell Remus but he had put Remus' name down as an owner as well and had gotten an extra copy of the deed to take with him.

Remus, meanwhile, had been out buy furniture and the necessities and transporting them to the house.

Harry had no idea about decorating so he left it all to Remus. On his way back from the bank he stopped at the grocery and got everything they would need for awhile.

When he arrived back at their home, he stepped in to find loud music blaring from the speakers and saw that Remus had already setup the living room. He smiled when he saw that the furniture and colors reminded him of the Gryffindor common room. He dusted himself off and walked into the kitchen and saw that a small table had been set up as well as some barstools on the far side of the counter. Harry unshrunk the groceries and began putting them away before heading upstairs. He found Remus in one of the guest rooms. The music was even louder in here and Remus was waving his wand wildly moving furniture around the room.

Harry watched with silent laughter, it looked as if he was conducting an orchestra. Finally, Remus paused and considered it for a moment.

"It looks fantastic, Rem!" Harry had to shout over the music and Remus was startled he spun around with his hand over his heart.

"Merlin, Harry scare a guy why don't you?"

Harry laughed as Remus turned down the record player. "How did you get all of this done so quickly?"

"Magic." Remus smiled. "I don't know how the muggles would do it, must take them ages."

Harry nodded as they made their way from the room.

"All that's left is the second guest room and a bit of cleaning in the study. I got some comfortable chairs for down there." Harry had never seen Remus look so happy, "I didn't spend all of the money you gave me for things. The rest of it I left in the jar in the kitchen."

"Sound good. I stopped by the store and picked up some things. What would you say to some dinner?"

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REVIEW! PLEASE!


	11. The Other Stuff

AN: This is to all of the lovely reviewers of Chapter 10. Who did in fact give me no other choice than to update as soon as humanly possible. Also, in answer to one review--there will be no Mpreg in this story. I'm a little too old fashioned for that.

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It had taken another week to get the house completely put together, and now that it was done the boys were finding they had an absurd amount of time on their hands and unbelievable amounts of freedom. They had been practicing their dueling, starting out in the living room with the very formal process but it quickly let to a free for all through out the hall usually ending in several broken things and many _reparo_ spells afterwards.

Harry had gone out to finish his Christmas shopping and had gotten his gifts for Remus and Sirius. He had also picked up a magical camera and developing supplies as well as several picture frames. He had never used a camera before and once he returned to the house he was excited to try it out.

He stepped out of the floo and found Remus sitting on the living room couch reading a letter.

"Hey, Rem! What are you doing?" Harry asked shrugging off his heavy cloak and setting down his bags.

"Lazing about as usual." Remus laughed, "James and Lily replied to our letter."

"Oh yea? They'll be coming then?" Harry said as he started searching through his shopping bags.

"Lily's going to be here in three days, James says he can't come up until after Christmas." Remus said. "He says him and Sirius have been fighting like mad since they got off the Express."

"Oh hm." Harry gave the bag he was searching through even more attention. The truth was he hadn't thought about Sirius much over the last two weeks. Things had been so busy, Remus and Harry had been having such a good time. Remus was watching him, Harry could feel it.

"Yea. Apparently they've had row after row. James' doesn't know what it's about." Remus said carefully, Harry could tell he was looking for a reaction.

"That's too bad," Finally finding what he was looking for he let out an excited 'whoop' and turned to Remus. "Look what I got!"

Remus laughed and shook his head as he looked at Harry grinning and holding the camera.

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Harry had just finished the work developing all of the pictures he and Remus had taken that afternoon. He had read through the brief guide to using the developing potion and had taken a couple practice tries before he finally got it down. The process was pretty simple, the potion did most of the work. The woman at the shop had told him that if he brewed the potion himself there were different things he could do to the pictures, but that is something Harry would have to pursue later.

It was late, after midnight and Remus had already gone up to bed. He sat at the kitchen table with the pictures spread out and smiled.

There was one of him and Remus outside the house. Harry's image zoomed in from the side of the picture after having set the shot up and nearly knocked Remus over before they both turned smiling toward the camera.

The next, was of Remus reading a book in the squishy chair next to the fireplace. The way the light from the fire fell on his face made him look almost ethereal. If you were paying close attention you would see Remus' eyes quickly glance up and a small smile form on his lips.

Remus had snapped one of Harry when they were in the middle of a full-house duel. He had popped out of a closet in the hallway as Harry came around the corner. Harry had his wand out and appeared greatly startled for a moment before his face broke into a broad grin.

The had setup several different shots because Remus had the idea to "document" their home life. There was a snapshot of them making dinner, Remus looking very demure stirring a pan of spaghetti sauce and glancing at Harry disapprovingly as the other boy was leaning against the counter arms folded. The movement in the picture reset just as Remus' pan boiled over and Harry burst out laughing.

There were pictures of Remus sleeping, Harry sleeping, a picture of the upstairs hallway with a Remus shaped blur running down the hall in a towel. Harry laughed and set that one aside. Then he came across his favorite one and he leaned back in the chair and looked at it.

Remus and Harry had tried to be somewhat artistic and had set the camera so that it was facing down at them as they lay on the couch, or rather as Remus sat on the couch trying to read while Harry lay sprawled across the length of the couch one leg hanging of the end, one thrown over the back, ever couple of seconds Harry reached over and tried to grab the book from Remus' hands but the other boy moved away just before Harry made the grab.

It filled Harry's heart with a joy he hadn't felt in a long time. His friendship with Remus was strong and held together by their similarities and made exciting by their differences. He felt closer to Remus after just these four months than he had even with Ron and Hermione. He loved them and missed them greatly, but he had realized that they had clung to each other because the world around them had fallen apart, and had ignored the things they didn't like about each other. With Remus….their friendship was whole, and based on their appreciation for each other. Harry stopped for a moment to consider if maybe it was getting a crush on his best friend…and then he laughed.

At that moment a bright flash went off and Harry looked up. He didn't realize it at that moment but the shock that would show on his face in that picture would soon become the brunt of many jokes.

Harry couldn't think in whole thoughts for a while. It took him about three minutes for him to fully comprehend that, standing in his kitchen holding his camera that now carried a picture of his severe shock, stood Sirius Black.

Sirius set the camera down at the edge of the table and stuffed his hands in his pockets, "You looked so happy just then. Thought there should be a record of it."

Harry stood up a little clumsily, pushing back the chair with his legs. He moved to the kitchen area, wanting to clear his head and to do that he needed to get away from Sirius who had snowflakes on his eyelashes and in his hair. Harry moved to their muggle refrigerator and opened it finding he pulled out a two butterbeers and closed the door. He opened the bottles and set one on the opposite side of the counter from him before taking a long drink from his own. He didn't look at Sirius except through the corner of his eye, and even that was too much to take.

"Harry—."

"You look like hell, Sirius." Harry said. He faced Sirius and looked at him fully. The boy looked tired, and weather-worn, his muggle clothes were wet and his hair was windblown, his eyes were red and there were dark shadows under them.

Sirius ran a hand through his hair and sighed, "James and I got into a real bad row. I was down at the Leaky Couldron for a while. I walked down here from there, I found the letter you sent James with the address so…"

"You thought you'd pop by for a chat after a few rounds?" Harry said a little too harshly.

"I'm not drunk," Sirius said but raised his hands in surrender when Harry rolled his eyes. "I was drunk but a two mile walk will sober anyone up I think."

Harry took another long drink, "Remus is asleep, I think."

Harry moved around the counter being careful not to get to close to Sirius as he made his way to the table. He began organizing the pictures into piles, the ones he wanted to frame and the ones he'd keep for the photo album he planned to put together.

"For Merlin's sake, Harry, look at me!" Sirius' outburst startled Harry and he turned around to face the other boy. When he looked at Sirius the other boy seemed frazzled and about ready to burst.

Harry stood stock still staring at him fighting between wanting to hug him and scream at him. Sirius made the decision easy as he crossed the short distance between them and pulled Harry to him in a rough hug. Harry didn't react. Sirius's hands were in his hair and Harry didn't dare breathe. He was terrified of letting Sirius pull him into this once again, but even more afraid that if he let go he'd never be this close to the other boy again.

"Do you really think I walked through a blizzard in the middle of the night to see Remus?" He whispered into Harry's ear and it sent a shiver across his skin.

Suddenly the were kissing, Harry couldn't be sure who initiated it or who wanted it more. The passion rose up between them like a tidal wave. The kissed with a hunger, as if their feelings were far too large to be contained inside them any longer. They stumbled their way out of the kitchen still kissing, and touching wherever they could. Harry was leading them up to the bedroom without even thinking about where they were going or why. All that was in his mind was Sirius. The taste of him, the warmth of his skin, the sounds he made.

The practically fell through the door of Harry's bedroom and began shedding clothes. Harry unclasped Sirius' coat and pushed it off his shoulders and pulled his shirt over his head. Sirius grabbed the hem of Harry's shirt and in one smooth movement had it off. The fumbled for a minute unbuckling jeans and stepping out of them, by the time they made it to the bed they were both completely naked and their hands roamed everywhere.

Sirius pushed Harry down on the bed and trailed wet kisses down his neck and to his chest, flicking out his tongue to trace a scar every once in awhile as he made his way across the boy's stomach.

When Harry felt Sirius' mouth surround him, he cried out and arched his body upwards. After a few minutes of glorious pleasure Harry pulled Sirius upwards and kissed him fiercely before flipping him over. He kissed the other boy and for the first time Harry met Sirius' eyes. They were locked there for a minute. Harry on top of Sirius, their skin rubbing against each.

"I don't know what I'm doing." Sirius said and looked away from him. Harry put his hand on Sirius' check and turned his face back.

"I've read some books," Harry smiled slyly.

"Oh, bloody hell, I knew you living with Moony was a bad idea." Sirius laughed and Harry smiled.

Harry rolled off of Sirius and lay next to him on the bed. "I haven't got a clue actually. I read the book but…honestly…it's not really the same as in practice."

Sirius laughed and Harry pulled himself up on one elbow and looked at him. He reached out and brushed some of the hair out of his face. "You're gorgeous you know."

Sirius smiled.

They stayed like that silently for a minute and Sirius reached out and took Harry's hand and was twining and untwining their fingers together.

"I didn't come over here for a shag, you know." Sirius said and laughed when he saw Harry's quirked eyebrow. "Honestly. You were right, when you said all I was offering you was sex. I don't really know how to do….the other stuff."

Harry laughed, "The other stuff?"

"Yeah. The other stuff….but," Sirius took a breath. "I'm willing to try."

Harry smiled, leaned over and kissed Sirius. "I suppose that's good enough…for now"

Harry got up and picked through his clothing until he found his boxer shorts, slipped them on and headed toward the door.

"Where you going?" Sirius said pushing himself up on his elbows, Harry had to close his eyes to keep himself from jumping back into the bed and saying to hell with "the other stuff."

"I'll be right back."

Harry made his way back down to the kitchen and grabbed the camera off the table. He raced back up the stairs and gave himself a minute before pushing the door open with his foot. He got three pictures taken before Sirius even realized what was happening.

Harry laughed when Sirius' eyebrows shot up and the boy leapt from the bed and tried to wrestle the camera out of his hands. The camera was flashing for nearly an hour before the boys fell laughing back into bed.

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Harry woke up early the next morning and smiled when he had to disentangle himself from Sirius.

He pulled on a pair of jeans and wandered down to the kitchen. When he got there he wasn't surprised to see Remus sitting at the table drinking a cup of tea and looking through the pictures. He glanced at Harry as he entered the kitchen.

"These turned out really great." Remus said,

"Yeah they did." Harry said, he opened the refrigerator and was leaning over staring into it for a few minutes before pulling out a carton of eggs and a package of bacon. When he closed the door he almost dropped the eggs when he came face to face with Remus.

"So…" Remus said looking at Harry directly. Harry felt a blush start to creep up and turned away from him to set the food on the counter.

"So…what?" Harry bent down and pulled a pan out of the cabinet.

"Well, there were two bottles of butterbeer on the counter and you're down here shirtless, wearing wrinkled jeans and making breakfast." Remus noted as he settled himself across from Harry on a barstool.

"Yeah…" Harry moved over to the stove, his back to Remus as he cracked the eggs into the pan.

"So, as far as I was aware you were alone last night locked in your makeshift darkroom, you are obsessive about wearing shirts, even around me, you are absurdly obsessive about not wearing clothing more than one day in a row, and you haven't eaten breakfast since we moved in here." Remus paused and Harry sighed, " So, who do we _possibly_ know, who has a knack for showing up at odd hours of the night, could get so distracted that you don't care about the clothes your wearing or not wearing for that matter and would simply _adore_ some bacon and eggs when he drags himself out from between your severely debauched sheets?" Remus said and Harry didn't look at him.

Harry flipped the bacon and pulled two plates down from the cabinet.

"Harry…." Remus said as Harry slid a plate of bacon and eggs in front of him. Harry turned around and grabbed a muffin and tossed it lightly onto Remus' plate. "Harry."

Harry continued to ignore Remus as he got the jam and butter from the fridge and set it along with a butter knife on the counter near Remus' plate. As he did, Remus reached out and grabbed Harry's hand.

Harry looked at him and Remus met his eyes, "Harry…I love the both you of you. But you've…you're like the brother I never got to have. I'm worried is all…"

"It's fine." Harry said, "Eat."

Remus began eating slowly still watching him, "It's just…after everything he put you through…he's a good guy, he really is but…he's…Sirius."

"Remus…." Harry turned toward him once again, "It'll be fine. We talked. We're doing…'the other stuff"." Harry smiled as he said it.

"What 'other' stuff?" Remus said as Harry turned back to the stove and cracked two more eggs into the pan and put another muffin into the toaster.

"I think…" But Harry was cut off by a loud yawn that entered along with a bedraggled Sirius, who was still in his boxer shorts.

Remus raised an eyebrow at Harry who stuck his tongue out at him before turning back to the eggs. Sirius came around the counter and slapped Remus on the back.

"Mornin' Moony, old pal. Nice pad you got here. Cozzzzzzzzzy." Sirius drew out the last syllable as he came up behind Harry and kissed him on the neck.

"Fancy seeing you here. James kick you out then?" Remus said as he slathered jam on to his muffin. Sirius turned at this and came back to sit next to Remus.

"I imagine Prongs has been rambling on in those three page letters to you about our trouble in paradise, then?" Sirius said still smiling.

"Well the first two pages were dedicated solely to him transcribing nearly word for word from Lily's letters to him. But there was a mention or two about you, something along the lines of "idiotic chauvinist and completely insane"."

"Well, now I _know_ you're making it up." Sirius said as Harry placed a plate in front of him. "Prongs never uses words he can't spell."

Harry cleaned up the dishes and poured himself a cup of tea before leaning against the counter where the two of them were eating.

"So, is it official yet? James and Lily?" Harry asked.

"Well. From what I could get between our dramatic girlish arguments," Sirius said around a mouthful of bacon. "They are about this close. I think New Years will cinch it."

There was a knocking on the door and Harry went out to see who it was.

The minute he left the room, Remus turned on Sirius.

"You hurt him and I will kill you." The tone of his voice and the look in his eyes gave only more strength to the words and left them without question.

Sirius looked at Remus with shame on his face, the held a tense look for a long time.

"I love you, Padfoot. Just…he's not had it easy."

Sirius nodded.

Suddenly, a blur of red flew into the room and pulled Remus off the stool into a wild hug.

"REMUS!" Lily screamed and then she turned to Sirius and after a moment of hesitation grabbed him as well. "Oh Merlin. To be with people I don't despise. You'll never believe! My stupid sister has gone and gotten engaged to a man even more absurd and stupid than herself!"

Sirius and Remus laughed along with Lily. Harry entered the room a minute later.

"Lily I put your trunk up in the first bedroom on the right." Harry said and smiled at her, before moving to pick up the now empty plates. But Sirius waved him away and picked up the plates himself and walking them over to the sink. Harry followed him and rinsed and dried them after Sirius had washed them. They were standing so close their shoulders were touching.

Lily looked at Remus and they high-fived each other as Harry and Sirius kissed at the sink.

"We have absolutely got to write to James, straight away." Lily whispered to Remus.

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Please don't hate me. Just think about the fact that their both 'new' at this whole boy-boy thing... REVIEW!


	12. The Only Family I have Left

AN: Alright this is a bit fluffy. But I needed to get through the holidays and on to more important things.

Also, once again, to those who are curious. No this story will not be Mpreg.

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Lily and Sirius were a strange addition to the house. Harry and Remus found themselves having to do a lot of adjusting to a schedule they weren't aware they had developed. But the four friends created a new schedule, a new environment that was if not better than definitely equal to what Harry and Remus had shared.

They woke up in the morning and Harry made breakfast and drank tea with them while they ate. They lazed about in the morning, Remus and Lily reading Harry and Sirius playing chess or otherwise entertaining themselves.

They dueled for an hour or two each day and it was not all that surprising that Lily was found to be a fierce competitor. The house was even more of a disaster than when it was just Remus and Harry alone but they were all become very good with their reflexes and aim.

Remus with Lily's help had gotten Harry and Sirius to settle down and study for their NEWTs for a couple hours a day. Remus and Lily prepared dinner at night and they all sat around the fire afterwards chatting or playing games. Their conversations were of the future and about Hogwarts, the others telling stories to Harry about things that happened before he arrived and them prodding him for stories from his life before, which he gave only sparingly.

Finally when the turned in for the night Sirius and Harry would make their way to the bedroom but mostly they talked, the learned about each other. Their sexual relationship was plodding along at a relatively slow, but steady pace. They had graduated to what Sirius referred to as "Chapter Three" which made Harry regret he'd shown him the book.

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On Christmas Eve the four of them were gathering gifts and getting dressed to head over to the Potters' for the festivities. Remus was the only one fully dressed and ready to go. Lily had been in the bathroom for an hour and a half. Sirius was making it impossible for Harry to dress as he kept removing clothing as Harry put it on.

Harry was struggling with Sirius once again and had successfully pulled on his shirt for the third time when Remus called to them from downstairs.

"LILY is ready now. We're waiting on you two! We're going to be late!"

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When the group arrived in the foyer of the Potter's home they were 25 minutes late. Harry felt a strange sickness deep in his stomach. Similar to motion sickness but with a bittersweet happiness to it. This was a place he should have known, and that was tragic, but he knew it now and that was something.

They were greeted by a very enthusiastic James who literally bounced into the room with a bouquet of roses in his hand and a goofy grin plastered on his face.

"Hey! I've been waiting for you guys forever!" James stated with mock exasperation.

"Sirius had to curl his hair." Harry said and laughed when Sirius poked him in the side.

Sirius stepped forward and pulled James into a great hug, "I missed you too, Prongs, but you didn't have to buy me flowers."

James pushed Sirius off of him and tentatively made his way over to Lily. "Happy Christmas, Lily" he said as he held the flowers out to her.

It spoke volumes that Lily smiled shyly and a blush crept to her cheeks as she took them from him. "Thank you."

James led them to the kitchen where they found a man who was so identical to James that Harry was startled for a minute.

"Mom, Dad…This is…" James began but was interrupted when Sirius shot out from the back of the group and pulled Mrs. Potter into a great hug.

"Mum!" He turned dramatically to Mr. Potter, "Pops! I have missed you so!"

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Introductions were made and they were ushered out of the kitchen while Mr. And Mrs. Potter finished dinner. James led them to the living room. The house was clean and warm, not over decorated or stoic, it felt lived in and organized at the same time. The little living room had a large fireplace surrounded by plush, overstuffed couches and chairs. There were pictures of James as a baby along the fireplace mantle, and several pictures of James and Sirius. The Christmas tree in the corner was wider than it was tall and was decorated with a mismatch of homemade ornaments that had been charmed to sparkle, move, or hum quiet little songs. There were massive amounts of presents under the tree and when the group added theirs they seem to overflow like a overfilled bucket of water.

They settled around the living room. Lily tentatively took a seat next to James and sat perhaps closer than necessary on the large sofa. Harry moved and sat down in one of the overlarge chairs and Remus sat down next to him, which earned him a glare from Sirius who sat down across from them tapping his foot.

"So, Sirius. How'd you end up at Remus and Harry's after you so graciously took your leave from our humble abode?" James said with a wonderfully dramatic flair that had the others nearly rolling on the floor.

"Took my leave, eh? You sent me on a damn wild goose chase, Potter." Sirius pointed at James accusingly and James raised his hands.

"You're the one who got all riled up." James said.

Sirius narrowed his eyes, "You're the one who told me about—."

"All right boys! Miss. Lily. Dinner is served." Mr. Potter had clapped his hands together excited in such an animated way that left no doubt that he and James were alike in more ways than just their looks.

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The dinner was impressive; it was like a miniature Hogwarts feast just for them. Throughout dinner Harry was gaining information that laid a part of his soul to rest. Eva and Allen Potter had gotten engaged straight out of Hogwarts. Eva was a healer and Allen was an Auror. The house in Godric's Hollow was a family house that James would inherit.

Harry didn't ask the questions, he let Remus and Lily do that, and he listened. Finally they came to Sirius' addition to the family.

"We had always wanted another child," Eva said with a sly wink at Sirius.

"The boy spent near as much time at our house during breaks anyways, it wasn't much of a change." Allen laughed and it was a deep rich sound.

"Then one night I'm up sneaking a bite or two of treacle tart--." Allen continued.

"Which was meant for a sick friend of mine…" Eva put in.

"When all of the sudden there's a loud pounding on my door, and there stands Sirius Black looking a little worse for the wear and like he flew his broom all the way from London." Allen laughed again, "And we just kind of stood looking at each other for a moment before Sirius here dropped everything he had brought along threw his arms around me and said "Dad! The prodigal son returns!""

Everyone at the table laughed, and Harry looked at Sirius to find a sad smile on his face. Their eyes met and Harry raised an eyebrow. Sirius shrugged and mouthed "later".

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They were lounging around in the living room stomachs full and laughing as Sirius and James re-enacted the time when they had charmed all of the desks in McGonagall's desks to go invisible at five-minute intervals. Sirius was in the middle of playing the part of a terrified Ravenclaw who couldn't' decide whether or not to tell the stern transfiguration teacher that her desk was invisible when a face appeared in the fire.

"Allen Potter. Fire call from Auror Division 142. Please report to the office immediately."

Allen had only just stood up and began a soft apology when the fire sprung to life again.

"Eva Potter, Fire call from St. Mungo's Emergency Response. Please report for immediate triage assistance."

Allen and Eve looked at each other, as the group of teenagers were silent. There was a fear and tension in the look they shared that seemed to suck all the holiday spirit from the room.

"Oh kids, I'm sorry. You're more than welcome to stay here. Allen most likely won't return until day after tomorrow. And depending…"

James stood up, "It's okay, Mum. You guys go. If it's okay with them I think we'll head back to Harry and Remus'"

James looked in turn at Harry and Remus who both nodded.

"Okay, darling," Eva hugged James and then Sirius. "If you'll leave the address we'll write as soon as things are back to order. Thank you all for coming and don't forget to open your presents. It is Christmas."

The group gave them their 'thank-yous' and 'happy Christmases' and then the two adults stepped into the floo and departed.

The group sat in silence for a while. "James…do you have any idea…"

"I think it's the dark wizard, Dad's been talking about, I don't remember his name…" James said and looked at Sirius.

"Voldemort." His voice was cold and low and didn't make sense to anyone but Harry.

"Yea. Apparently he's been around attacking people. Getting a bit of a following." James said.

Again they were silent. "Shall we head back then?" Lily said with a forced pleasantness to her tone.

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It had taken some firewhiskey and several musical performances from Sirius before the strange darkness from earlier events left the group entirely.

Finally, all of them a little tipsy but nowhere near drunk they decided to go about opening the presents.

Sirius crowned himself Santa by transfiguring a couch pillow into a Santa hat and handing out presents. He picked one up and read the tag:

"Ohhhh. To Lily from Prongsie-poo." Sirius handed the brightly wrapped box to Lily and picked up another one.

"To Sirius from Moony-face." Sirius smiled wickedly at Remus and sat the gift on the sofa next to Harry.

Once all of the gifts were handed out they took turns opening them. James had given Lily a Healer's case, which was magically enlarged on the inside and could carry a twenty-person supply of three different types of potions. The gift earned him a swift kiss on the lips, which left James blushing. Lily opened Harry's book and gave a delighted squeal when Harry explained that the journal would never run out of pages. Remus had given her a book on different magical herbs that could be used in healing and Sirius had given her gold pin that proclaimed her an "honorary Maurader" which she pinned to her chest immediately and beamed with pride.

Lily had given James a leather wand holster and a framed picture that James had stared at for a long time before Sirius finally pried it from his hands. It showed a laughing Lily out by the lake at Hogwarts. She smiled out at the camera and as a gust of wind blew her hair around her grin broke in to a beautiful silent laughter. James took the picture back and stared at it for a while longer before finally opening his gift from Remus and Harry. He had the look of an excited five-year old as he pulled out the miniature Quidditch set. It was meant for team captains to use while planning plays and had tiny little players that flew around wherever you directed them. Sirius' present to James was a small box that when he opened it he closed it almost immediately and slipped it into his pocket refusing to show it to anyone and flashing a broad grin at Sirius.

Lily had gotten Sirius a pair of tickets to a concert to a strange muggle band that nobody but Lily and Sirius seemed to recognize but the gift caused Sirius to jump and shout and hug Lily fiercely. Sirius teased Remus about buying him a book when he first unwrapped it but after reading the title, it was only after much moaning from James that he put the book aside and opened Harry's gift.

Harry sat next to Sirius trying not to be nervous. He had scoured four muggle shops before he found his gift and was still not sure it was right. Sirius glanced up at Harry when opened the box and then was silent for such a long time that James could no longer hold in his curiosity.

"Well, What is it Padfoot?!"

Sirius pulled the leather jacket out of the box and held it up to the rest of them. It was smooth black leather with dark red stitching. There was oohing and ahhing from Remus and Lily. Sirius stood up and put it on and Harry had to catch his breath after looking at him. It was a perfect fit and gave Sirius a dangerous look that made Harry want to drag Sirius up the stairs and into bed.

James gave a low whistle, "Well, well. Aren't we Mr. Badass."

The group laughed. And Sirius strutted over to where Harry sat on the couch. He put his hands on the back of the couch on either side of Harry and leaned down, resting his forehead against Harry's.

"Thank you." And then Sirius kissed him.

"Oi! Harry and Remus you haven't opened anything yet!" James shouted and Harry laughed when he saw James was blushing.

Remus got a set of what were apparently rare first-edition books on defense against the dark arts from Lily and a new scarlet cloak from James, which made Remus smile.

"Thank you, Prongs" Remus said almost shyly.

"Well, can't have you catching a cold and that one you've got has holes as big as Ireland in it." James laughed and hugged Remus.

Lily had gotten Harry a set of photo potions that gave the pictures a longer period of motion and some that changed the colors. James had given him photo paper and frames. Harry laughed and looked at Remus.

"They asked what to get you," Remus said shrugging, "I told them you were now obsessed with your camera."

Harry couldn't deny it, he had been snapping pictures throughout their present-opening activities. He opened his gift from Remus and smiled when he had to unshrink the contents. He was blown away when he saw what Remus had given him, knowing the boy didn't have that much money. It was an entire professional set of developer's trays and darkroom lights. Harry got up and gave Remus a hug before sitting back down. Harry opened his gift from Sirius cautiously not wanting to get himself too excited. When he opened the package he pulled out two separately wrapped packages. When he opened the first one he was shocked, it was a new camera. A smaller one that was easier to take around than the bulky one he had purchased. It came with a manual that listed all of the different charms that it had including a spell that when you said it the camera automatically took a picture. The second package contained a book with a worn cover, he opened it an inside the cover was written. "Journal of Sirius Black. To Harry, to help you understand." Harry leaned over to Sirius and kissed him on the cheek.

"Thank you guys." Harry's smile was so big it made his cheeks ache. Finally he stood up and picked up his gift for Remus and handed it to the boy. He stood off to the side of the chair as Remus opened it. Inside the box there was a scarf that matched the new cloak James had given him and a thin box. Remus pulled the box out and opened it, the others looked on as Remus was clearly reading something.

"Oh Harry." Remus looked up at him with tears shimmering in his eyes. "You shouldn't…it's too much."

"Well don't leave us all in suspense, Moony!" James shouted and Lily slapped him in the arm.

Remus drew in a breath and pulled the paper out and handed it to James. "He's put me on as a second owner on the house."

"Well, we can't compete with that now can we?" Sirius said with a great smile.

Harry pulled Remus into a hug, "You're the only family I've got."


	13. Parietis Diligo

AN: Okay, I had to get this chapter out. This has been my goal and I've been trying to get to the point for this to happen since about the fifth chapter. So, don't be expecting me to update three times a week normally. I've been really amped for this one.

Thank you for the wonderful reviews!!! New chapter up ASAP!

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James and Sirius had gone back to the Potters two days following Christmas when they received a letter from James' mother. They promised they would return after a proper family Christmas and much prying for information.

Following the incident on Christmas the group had been obsessively looking for any information about what had happened. The Wizard Wireless and the Daily Prophet weren't reporting anything unusual. Remus and Harry had decided that the Ministry was keeping everything very hush-hush.

Lily, Remus and Harry continued their day-to-day activities of studying and dueling and Harry spent a great deal of time in his darkroom. Today was New Year's Eve, and Harry was in his darkroom developing the pictures he had taken of Lily and Remus at the park down the street. When he heard a loud thud and loud laughter brought Harry out of his quiet reverie and he cleaned up before heading down to the living room.

He found James and Sirius on the floor in the living room rolling around.

"Should I be concerned?" Harry said and he placed his hands on his hips.

James and Sirius looked up and Harry could tell that Sirius was drunk. The boy took several tries before he could stand and only then with the help of James.

"I'm real sorry, Harry, I didn't think he'd take the dare seriously." James sad with an apologetic look.

"SIRIUSly! That's me!" Sirius stumbled forward and fell into Harry. "Helllllllllllo. Mr. SexyPants."

Harry laughed before giving Sirius a quick kiss and pushing him down on the sofa, where he stayed seeming to lack the energy or coordination to move.

Harry and James moved to the kitchen and Harry got them butterbeers as they sat at the counter.

"So. How was your late-Christmas?" Harry asked.

"It was alright. The folks are really tense. Won't say anything about what's going on. Something about enjoying our childhood." James said and took a large gulp of his butterbeer.

"Why is Sirius drunk at four in the afternoon?"

"Well, I dared him to run out to the garden and kiss my next door neighbor, Old Mrs. Paterson." James smiled, "He said he couldn't do it unless he was drunk."

Harry laughed and shook his head. He looked over at James who had fallen silent and was now carefully peeling the label off his bottle.

"Why you so nervous?" Harry tilted his head to the side and looked at James. James blushed and smiled as he looked at the table.

"I'm…I'm going to ask Lily."

"To go steady? That's great…" Harry said patting him on the back.

"No…to marry me." Harry's head snapped up and he stared at the other boy amazed.

"Wha…really?" Harry sputtered a bit.

"Yea." James looked at him, "I love her, mate. There's nothing for it."

Harry got a big grin. "Well, we'll have to celebrate it then. Good thing it's New Years. Lily and Remus are already getting champagne.

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Sirius had sobered up just in time to get drunk again; Harry was watching James and Lily so closely that Remus caught on.

"You know something." Remus said as he threw an arm over Harry's shoulder. The wireless was playing music in the background.

"Maybe I do." Harry smiled wickedly.

The music ended and a voice came over the wireless, "Well, friends it's about time to ring in another happy new year."

The friends gathered in the center of the kitchen with glasses of champagne. Sirius wobbled a little and held tightly to Harry. Lily and James were holding hands and laughing. Remus sat on the table smiling and swinging his legs back and forth.

"Here we go! 10….9….8…..7…6…" the voice boomed out into the kitchen and Harry's eyes were glued to Lily and James, Remus' followed. "5…4….3…2….1…HAPPY NEW YEAR!!" and music blared out over the wireless and Sirius and Harry kissed, Sirius almost immediately turned and kissed Remus who was startled but laughed it off. The three of them looked to Lily and James who were still kissing. Remus reached over and turned the wireless down and finally James pulled away.

The two of them stared at each other for a long moment before James spoke. "Lily Amelia Evans, I love you. I know you love me too, and we've been just loving each other for so long. And I know that there is bad stuff brewing out there, and the only thing I can think of his how I want to protect you from it, and how I want to spend every new year we have just like this, with each other, not wasting anymore time"

Lily's eyes grew, wide as did Remus' as James sunk to one knee and pulled out a small velvet box. Harry glanced at Sirius to see that the boy had a self-satisfied smirk on his face.

"Lily, Will you marry me?" James looked up at Lily who had a smile on her face and one tear sliding down her cheek.

"Oh James, you're ridiculous!" She said, "Of course, yes."

Remus and Harry turned to Sirius as the couple kissed. Sirius shrugged. "James is apparently quite the romantic when it comes to writing letters."

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James' parents had held an impromptu engagement party at their house. It had been a wonderful affair with great food and greatly entertaining conversations between Lily's muggle parents and James' pureblood wizard-parents. The only downturn of the event was the presence of Lily's ridiculously negative and prissy sister Petunia, and her grossly overweight and idiotic, husband. Nobody had seemed to notice that Harry had avoided them at all costs.

After the party they had all returned to the house to revel in their last night of freedom before returning to school. They had a four-hour duel that resulted in Remus being pummeled by uncontrollable couch cushions, James and Sirius tied to each other and left in the upstairs hallway and Lily and Harry toasting each other in the kitchen. Remus had ushered them off to bed after the clock clicked past one AM because he insisted they would miss the train otherwise.

Sirius had gone to take a shower, and Harry was in his room in the process of changing into his pajamas. Harry caught his shirtless reflection in the mirror. He ran his hand over his abdomen, which now held a thick ugly scar from Snape's curse. He couldn't tear his eyes away from his damaged skin.

He didn't realize Sirius had returned until the boy was standing behind him.

"Are you ever going to tell me your secrets, Harry Pierson?" Sirius said quietly and Harry raised his eyes to meet Sirius' gaze in the mirror. "You know all mine."

"Someday. I'm too happy to think about it now." Harry said, and he knew it was true. He would tell Sirius—if not everything than most of it.

Sirius' arms snaked around Harry's waist and he kissed the boy's neck. Harry turned to face him and kissed him fully on the mouth.

"I think I'm falling for you." Sirius said.

"I think I've already fallen." Harry returned.

Sirius took Harry's mouth in a deeper kiss and Harry reached down and pulled the t-shirt over Sirius' head.

There was a gentleness and sweetness to their kisses and touches. And as they came to the bed they didn't fall into with a wild passion as they often did but Harry sat down and watched as Sirius undressed himself before pushing Harry carefully backward and kissed him again. Sirius moved his hands down and unbuttoned Harry's pants hand helped him out of them.

Harry reached up and pushed the hair back from Sirius eyes before pulling him down for another kiss. Sirius looked at Harry for a long moment.

"You read chapter six." Harry smiled, the emotions that were coursing through him were nearly too much to take.

"Do you want me to stop?" Sirius looked down at Harry and the concern and care in his eyes made Harry pull the boy into a long deep kiss.

"No."

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The next morning Remus and James bursting in their rooms startled Harry and Sirius awake.

"GUYS! We've got like half an hour to---MERLIN'S SOCKS!" James' voice had gotten impossibly high.

Sirius glared at James before pulling the blanket over to cover himself and Harry. "There's this thing called knocking…mates…honestly."

Remus had a smirking smile on his face but there was a definite color to his cheeks. "Well, anyway, we really have to get going.

Harry had thrown the pillow over his head and Sirius now pulled it away from him.

"How do you feel?" Sirius said as he leaned over Harry.

"Embarrassed."

"I mean…about…" Harry smiled and flipped the other boy over and kissed him hard.

"Magnificent."

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The four friends were running through the train station at 10:55. Harry had convinced them to shrink their trunks and carry them in their pockets so that they didn't' have to worry about wheeling them through the station.

They didn't even break stride as they ran straight into the column between platforms nine and ten.

There was a collective sigh and a lot of heavy breathing when the realized the Hogwarts Express was still there.

James and Lily hurried off to the front of the carriage to speak with the conductor, as was their duty and Head girl and Remus, Sirius and Harry headed toward the train. The platform was nearly empty most of the students were on the train and most of the parents were already on their way out trying to get a head of the crowd.

As they made their way to the train something didn't feel right and Harry came to a dead stop. He turned around and looked up and down the platform. There were maybe a hundred odd students and parents still milling about. Harry was searching for the focal point of this foreboding he was feeling. He didn't see anything obvious.

"Harry! What's the matter? Did you forget something? Remus came up behind Harry with Sirius trailing behind. Harry glanced at them and in that split second a loud scream echoed across the platform and Harry turned his eyes to see a literal flood of robed death eaters streaming on to the platform.

Harry was moving before he even knew what he was doing. He sent off curse after curse, and two death eaters were down. He got to the little girl who had screamed and grabbed her around the waist and threw her over his shoulder. He fired another round of curses off at the death eaters before running back in the direction of the train. Students were standing petrified, unsure of where to run or where to hide.

"GET ON THE TRAIN!" Harry bellowed, as he handed the girl off to the closest student and his voice reverberated off the stone walls. It seemed to shock some of the older students into action and they began herding people on to the train. Harry saw James and Lily jump down from the conductor's compartment and come running in their direction. He turned back to the fight and continued firing off curses as the death eaters continued to throw them. He saw an older man fall to his right after a familiar green light struck him down.

"Lily get these kids on the train. James can you send a Patronus to your dad? Tell him to bring everyone they have here." Harry yelled over his shoulder, when he didn't' sense any movement he looked back again "NOW!" he shouted and Lily gave a little start before turning around with the little girl in her arms and shouting to the remaining students and parents to get on the train immediately. A cutting spell hit Harry right above his left knee and he almost lost his balance. He watched the never-ending stream of Death Eaters and the barrage of spells that got thicker as they approached. There was only one thing to do, Harry silent prayed that it would work.

"SIRIUS. REMUS. COME HERE." Harry was panting. The boys appeared at his side, and Harry could feel the fear coming off of them in waves. When the came up next to him, Sirius on his right Remus on his left, Harry reached down and grabbed his each of their hands in his.

"I need you to focus all of your energy right now." Harry said staring at the Death Eaters approaching they number near fifty now. "Listen to me, focus all of your energy. We're the only hope for everyone on that train."

Harry felt the tension in the boys shift and knew they were ready.

He closed his eyes and summoned all of his magic inside of him. "_parietis diligo"_

Many of the Death Eaters were stalled momentarily when the saw the three boys facing them as the others ran for cover behind them, even more when the saw the linked hands of the boys glow for a minute.

"RAISE YOUR HANDS!" Harry shouted as the Death Eaters shook off their surprise and came with a newfound sense of purpose. He put his hands out in front of him and saw the air ripple as if it was water. "RAISE YOUR HANDS!" the two boys raised their hands as well and glanced at Harry when their hands caused a ripple in the air too.

"I want you to think about a wall that stretches the length of the train. A strong, solid wall." Harry said and he could sense their uncertainty. "If you cannot do this, those students will die. Lily and James will die. I will die."

And like the last time he had done this spell it was the last three words that made the difference. The air shimmered before them and Harry could feel the resistance as if his palms were pressing against a thick rubber.

The Death Eaters were no more than fifteen feet away and were firing curses that bounced off of their invisible wall and rebounded into their midst. Several of them fell but the others pushed closer.

The closer they got the stronger their curses were and Harry could feel the shield weakening. "Remus! You are my family. I need you now. All your strength all your focus."

Harry glanced at Remus and there was sweat on his brow. "Remus. FOCUS!"

The wall shimmered again and a few more Death Eaters fell.

"HARRY! What…?" Harry heard James' voice behind him.

"Did you get to your dad?" Harry answered.

"The Aurors are on their way! What should I…" Harry could hear James getting closer.

"STAY BACK!" Harry shouted as he felt the shield weaken. "Sirius, Remus. Focus. I want you to focus all of your love for me, for Lily for James right now and push it outwards focus it on this wall. You feel this…" Harry gathered his emotions and imagined the love and loyalty he felt for Remus and Sirius outward. The shield flashed a bright white and Harry could feel the wall hold strong again. "Did you feel it, Sirius?"

"yes" It was a hoarse whisper.

"Good. Focus it. Think of your feelings for me, your love. For Remus too. Imagine it and push it outside of you." Harry heard a grunt from Sirius and the wall shimmered again.

"Good! Good! Remus now you!" Almost immediately the shield shimmered and felt stronger.

Harry could feel Remus and Sirius' exhaustion. They weren't going to be able to hold it much longer. The Death Eaters continued to come. And Harry's mind slipped back into a memory of the last battle, He, Hermione and Ron stood in this same position….but they hadn't held and images of death seared across Harry's mind. He saw Hermione fall and the wall disintegrated.

Harry screamed out and shook his head forcefully, "NO!"

And he pushed all of his love for everyone he had lost and the wall flashed and then became an opaque white color for a moment. Harry's heart was beating so fiercely he knew he was pushing it, this spell could do severe damage to the caster if its use was prolonged. If he pushed too hard, it would have all have been in vain.

"Harry…I can't…" Sirius was fading fast.

"Hold on Sirius, hold on for me." Harry was begging and he felt Sirius give another push of emotion.

Suddenly behind the Death Eaters dozens of Aurors apparated in. Harry breathed a sigh of relief but when he felt Remus and Sirius start to let go he focused himself again.

"Don't drop it yet! Back up with me. Slowly." Harry said, and they stepped back slowly moving toward the train. "James! Get back to the conductor and tell him to get ready to take off immediately."

They continued backing up until they were about a foot from the entrance to a car. Harry glanced backwards.

"Okay, Remus I need you to hold on for me. Keep focused, keep pushing." Harry looked over at Remus. "Can you do that?"

"Yes." Remus said but it was a breathy word.

"Okay. Sirius. Drop your hands and get on the train. Don't argue just go." Harry said, "Now."

Sirius dropped his hands and turned and climbed onto the train disappearing inside. The spell weakened and it was like a heavy weight was dropping upon him.

"Okay Remus, Go." Harry said. Pushing out what little energy he had left.

"Harry…I can't leave you." Remus' concern made Harry smile as a wave of love for this boy flowed up inside of him. Harry pushed it outward and the spell strengthened a little.

"Go now. I'll be right behind you." Harry felt Remus hesitate, "Remus go, I can't hold it for much longer. "Now!"

Remus dropped his arm and the weight of the spell caused Harry's injured knee to buckle. He closed his eyes and pushed himself up, sweat dripping off his brow. Spells were still impacting against the shield as the Death Eaters who weren't involved with the Aurors were still advancing. Harry held it for as long as he could, he heard the train come to life behind him and with one last look at the battle ensuing on the platform he released the spell and stumbled to the car entrance. He grabbed a hold of the railing as the train started moving. Harry felt himself being pulled forward as the train picked up speed.

James and Lily helped him into the nearest compartment unsettling three terrified third-years. Sirius and Remus followed them in and sat heavily on the seat across from where Lily and James sat Harry.

Harry's heart was still thudding in his chest. He couldn't get his breathing right. He had pushed it too far, he could feel the world slipping from him.

"What the hell was that?" James asked quietly, near whispering.

"Love." Sirius said staring at Harry who nodded and closed his eyes.

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REVIEW!!! Your questions have often been woven into my story!


	14. I'll Try

AN: All right folks. Here's the great explanation you've been wanting. Be prepared for much more action to come in a few chapters. Thank you for all your reviews!! The more you review the sooner I update, I always feel guilty for making you wait :)

Mizzdrwhoharrypotter: No MPREG. I think I noted that before. But I'm a bit old fashioned and try to stay pretty canon outside of the obvious AU and slash bits. Hope you'll keep reading!

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When Harry woke up his heart ached, literally, he had overdone it, but he was still breathing so he took that as a good sign. He found himself lying length-wise on the seat of the train compartment. He could hear Sirius and Remus whispering but couldn't quite make out what they were saying. Finally, he gathered enough energy and pulled himself up to a sitting position. Even the small effort made his heart beat wildly and Harry brought his hand to his chest.

"Harry…you alright?" Remus asked as he moved to sit next to him.

Harry looked at his friend and there were the sharp edges of fear surrounding the concern in his eyes. Harry turned his gaze to Sirius who was staring at him. Aside from the tiredness that was readily apparent, and the visible stress of fear and tension they both seemed to be doing okay.

"I'll be fine. Where're Lily and James?" He asked.

"They're patrolling the train. A couple students were wounded but Lily's been working with Pomfrey in her free period so she's been able to help. She bandaged your knee while you were out. She said to get her if you needed. You want us to get her for you?" Sirius asked and moved to stand.

"No. That's alright." Harry sighed and leaned his head against the seat back. "How long until we're at the school?"

"We're nearly there maybe another fifteen minutes." Remus said.

Harry could sense the questions that filled their minds and he fought like mad to push their emotions away from him. The consequence of the spell was already starting to show itself and Harry didn't know if he could handle it all over again. But, he had had no other choice. And the price he paid for it was so minimal compared to those he was able to protect.

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As they pulled into the Hogsmeade station, Harry saw that things were about to get very complicated. Aurors lined the platform and Dumbledore, along with the rest of the staff, stood waiting as well. Students and the few parents who had remained on the platform when the attack started exited the train and Harry watched from his window as the Heads of Houses began collecting their students. Students were grouped and each group was assigned two Aurors as they made their way to the castle. Harry saw James and Lily make their way to Dumbledore and begin speaking with him, James seemed to burst with tense energy and was making sweeping hand gestures, first bringing his hands up in front of him palms out and then making long sweep between them, then he turned toward the train and Dumbledore's eyes followed. Harry let his head fall to the glass with a thud and closed his eyes.

"Harry…you need help up? We'd better get going I think we're the last ones off." Remus said and Harry took the hand he offered. His knee was weak, already wounded from before and he leaned heavily on Remus and Sirius as they helped him out onto the platform. The flurry of activity around them seemed to come to a halt as the boys made their way to the headmaster. Harry could feel the eyes of the Aurors on him but he kept his eyes on the ground focusing on keeping himself from collapsing.

By the time they made their way to where Dumbledore stood, James' father had joined them and was speaking with Dumbledore as they approached.

"…never seen anything like it. We need to talk with him, Albus." Dumbledore nodded at Allen's words and the group turned to face Harry as they approached.

"Harry…how are you feeling?" Lily came up to him and cupped her face in his hands.

"I'm all right, head girl. I'll be fine." Harry said. He smiled as she kissed his forehead.

"Son, I'd like to have a word with you." Allen said stepping forward and placing his hand on his shoulder. "After we've had the medi-witch check you out of course."

Harry only nodded.

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Harry sat on the edge of the bed in the hospital wing. The spell that had cut his knee was worse than he'd thought, the medi-witch told him that along with his previous injury he'd have a noticeable limp for the rest of his life. He didn't look around the room, he could feel the eyes of the other students and parents on him. He heard soft crying coming from his right and looked over to see a young boy trying to hide his tears. Harry stood up and slowly made his way to the boy's bed. He sat down and looked to the boy who was wiping away the tears from his wide eyes.

"All right?" The boy shrugged, "I'm Harry."

"Alex. I'm a Hufflepuff." The boy's voice was small and quiet.

"Good folks, you lot." Harry said and the boy smiled a little. "Are you hurt?"

Alex shook his head, "My dad…" but a fresh bout of tears kept him from finishing.

Harry recalled the man who had fallen to the killing curse before he could get the shield up and felt a strong surge of guilt course through him. He reached out and pulled the boy into a hug. The boy tensed and then relaxed quickly.

"You have any brother's or sisters?" Harry asked and felt the tiny first-year's head shake against his chest. "Well, now you do."

The boy looked up at him and Harry saw a little bit of light come back into his eyes.

"You need anything, you let me know okay? Anything at all. I don't have any brothers or sisters either." Harry looked at the boy who once again nodded.

"Did your dad die too?" Harry gave the boy a sad smile.

"Yes. A long time ago. My mom also." The little boy frowned but didn't say anything.

"Harry. The Aurors would like a word with you. In Dumbledore's office" Madam Pomfrey's voice was softer than usual which told him she had been standing there for a time.

Harry looked at Alex once more and ruffled his hair. "All right, little brother, I'll see you at dinner then?"

The boy nodded and gave a weak smile as Harry stood.

He walked with Madam Pomfrey to the door and as he was about to leave she touched his shoulder.

"That was a wonderful thing you did just then." She looked at him with a smile, "You seem to be the hero on all fronts."

Harry nodded and left without a word. He hated the word 'hero' and yet it seemed to haunt him no matter where, or when, he was.

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As Harry came around the corner of the corridor he felt a sudden wave of emotion crash over him, fear, worry, confusion. Because he was already weak and tired the impact of these emotions hit him hard and made him nauseous. He came to a stop resting one hand on the wall and another on his knee as he bent over trying not to retch.

"Harry! What's the matter?" Lily came running to him and he looked up to see James, Remus and Sirius following close behind. He put out his hand to signal them to stop. He took a deep breath and strengthened his mental wall. Finally, he was able to stand.

"Sorry, just a little sick to the stomach. Didn't want you guys to get thrown up on." Harry said with a smile.

Remus came up next to him and put his arm around Harry as he helped him limp down the hall.

"I've got to go to the headmaster's office, Aurors…" Harry said and the others nodded.

"We're going there too."

Harry looked at Sirius and when their eyes met Harry felt such a strong sense of helplessness, and concern come from the boy that he almost lost his balance.

"Sirius," Harry said after a moment, "Would you mind grabbing my other side. My leg hurts like the devil."

Sirius was at Harry's side in an instant and Harry felt the boy's emotion die down into something less intense as they made their way to Dumbledore's office.

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James, Lily, Sirius, Remus and Harry sat around the table Dumbledore had conjured for them upon their arrival. Auror Potter was there as well as Kingsley Shaklebolt. Nobody seemed to know where to start and Harry just stared straight ahead.

"You aren't in any trouble, kids." James' dad said, "We just want to get what happened from your perspective and we'll let you off to get some rest. We've already heard from James and Lily, so lets start with you Sirius."

Sirius looked at Harry and then back to Allen. "We were running late, we got to the platform just before the train was to leave. Uh, James and Lily had gone ahead to speak with the conductor I think and we were about to get on the train when we noticed Harry wasn't right behind us." Again Sirius glanced at Harry. "He had stopped and was looking around the platform, Remus asked him if he lost anything, and then there was a scream. There were just tons of people dressed in robes and wearing masks coming on to the platform. And then Harry was running and the robed people were sending curses and Harry was sending some too and then he picked up the little girl and ran back toward us. There were lots of people still on the platform students and parents, and Harry yelled to get on the train and people started running. I think Harry gave the girl off to someone and told Lily to get the kids on the train and James to send you his Patronus."

Allen nodded and Kingsley was writing it all down. "And then what happened?" Allen asked.

Sirius shifted and glanced at Harry again. "The robed people were still firing curses off at the train and the students and Harry yelled for us to come over. We went up there and he grabbed my hand and said some spell,"

"He said _parietis diligo_." Remus said with a look at Harry as if he was unsure if he was betraying his friend, Harry gave him a little smile and a nod.

"Right, and then he told us to put our hands up. And it was like putting my hands in water and he said to focus and the air became solid. It was a wicked shield." Sirius said with a smile.

The others smiled as well and the tension in the room seemed to drop a little as Sirius continued. "And then the aurors showed up and Harry said to back up toward the train and then he told me to drop my hands and I got on the train."

Allen nodded and waited as Kingsley finished writing. "That fit with you Remus?" And Remus nodded.

"Harry, I've never heard of that spell." Allen said. And Harry said.

"It's old magic, wandless." Predictably, everyone's heads turned sharply to Harry.

"Wandless?" Allen said and his eyes were a bit wide, but he remained professional.

"Yes. It's a shield charm. Draws on the naturally protective emotions of the caster and their aides." Harry said looking at Allen.

"I see. Where did you learn it." Allen asked.

"I found it when I was researching protective spells." Harry stated in a way that said he was clearly not going to elaborate.

"I see," Allen said again, "Why did you stop short of getting on the train?"

"I sensed something, it didn't feel right." Harry said. "And then the girl screamed."

"And what made you run out into these attackers?" Allen asked.

" They would have killed the girl." Harry said simply and Lily drew a sharp breath. "Is she all right?"

"Yes, Harry, she was hit by a burning curse but Pomfrey was able to heal her just fine." Dumbledore spoke for the first time.

"Good then. When I saw how many people were left on the platform, I knew the spell was the only way."

"Right then. Well, that's all I need from you. You were all very brave and you have the gratitude of the Aurors and many parents and students as well, I am most certain." Allen smiled and stood.

Everyone began to stand and Harry struggled to his feet.

"Each of you will take one hundred points for your house. You easily saved a hundred lives today." Dumbledore said.

The others nodded and moved toward the door. Harry stood next to Dumbledore and watched as Allen embraced Sirius and James in turn.

"I would like to speak with you further, Harry, once you're rested." Dumbledore said quietly.

"Of course, Professor." Harry said and then without thinking he continued, "You know this means he is starting his war."

The Professor looked at Harry with veiled shock and then nodded, "I do. I wonder, my boy, how it is that you know."

Harry sighed deeply and looked at the headmaster, "I promise, when we talk later I will explain."

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When the arrived back at the tower the common room was empty, and the five friends sat heavily around the fire. James and Lily were squished into an overlarge chair and Sirius, Remus and Harry were on the sofa.

The silence did not last for long when predictably James could hold his question no longer, "You can do wandless magic?"

Harry nodded and rolled his eyes at the looks of disbelief from his friends. He waved his hand at the fire and it died out and returned when he waved it again.

"You can do _silent_, wandless magic?" James spouted excitably and Harry just shook his head. "Why don't you use it all the time, you've never done it before!"

"It tends to draw some attention." Harry laughed a little.

The silence drifted down upon them again, as they took comfort in the solid presence of each other. They were all still processing the events of today. After a while, Lily yawned and James escorted her to the stairs of the girls dormitory gave her a brief kiss before she headed up.

The boys made their way to the dormitory, Sirius and Remus helping Harry with the stairs.

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Harry was lying awake and exhausted trying to determine how much he was going to be telling Albus Dumbledore about the future when his bed curtains opened and Sirius climbed into his bed. Harry moved over slightly and let the boy wrap him in an embrace. Harry closed his eyes and breathed in the musky scent of the Sirius.

"I don't think I've ever been so scared." Sirius' voice was low and quiet.

"We all were." Harry said squeezing Sirius' hand.

"When you went running out there, I saw curses miss you by inches and I…thought…" Sirius trailed off.

"I'm all right." Harry said, "We're all okay. Thanks to you and Remus."

"Thanks to you." Sirius said.

"I wouldn't have been able to do it myself." Harry said fighting the tears that were threatening to fall.

"You've been in a war before." It wasn't a question and Harry didn't know how to answer.

Finally, he just admitted it. "Yes."

"Where?" Sirius asked.

"Everywhere. It wasn't a public war, it was underground. Trying to stop exactly this type of thing from happening." Harry responded.

"Is that why you're here now?"

"In part." Harry said and turned to face Sirius.

"Is that how you got those scars?" Sirius said even quieter than before.

"Yes."

Harry leaned over and kissed the boy before turning back and closing his eyes.

"Harry…"

"Hmmm?"

"Please don't die on me."

The words were so quiet Harry only just heard them.

"I'll try."

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Breakfast the next morning was so quiet Harry could hear himself breathing, the entire school seemed to be in shock and the clink of silverware on plates echoing through the hall was beginning to unnerve Harry. He looked around and so many of the students were simply staring ahead or down at their plates, the ones who were talking were bent toward each other whispering. He saw Alex sitting at the end of the Hufflepuff table, alone, trying to wipe away tears as subtly as he could. He looked at his friends.

"Hey, you guys know the Alex kid I told you about, from the hospital wing?" Harry whispered. And his friends nodded. "You mind if he sits with us?"

The boys shook their heads but Lily turned to him with tears in her eyes and threw her arms about his shoulders pulling him into a tight hug.

"You are an absolutely amazing man." She whispered in his ear before releasing him. Harry smiled at her a little and then stood up.

As he made his way to toward Alex, his combat boots echoed loudly and he knew people were staring. He walked to Alex and put a hand on the boy's shoulder. Alex looked up at him with reddened eyes.

"Hey, Lil' bro." Harry said smiling as best he could manage.

"Hi, Harry." The boy's words were so quiet it was hard to hear even in the silence of the great hall.

"You want to come meet my friends?" Harry asked and pointed over toward the Gryffindor table, Lily waved when Alex looked over. "They're nice, I promise."

The boy hesitated before nodding and standing up. Harry took the small boy's hand in his and they walked back to the Gryffindor table. They sat down with Alex now between Harry and Lily. A new plate materialized in front of the boy, but he didn't make any move to get any food.

"Everybody this is Alex." Harry said. "Alex, this is Lily here next to you, and James. And across from you is Sirius and Remus is next to him. They're my very best friends."

"Hi." Alex said and the others returned his greeting. Harry hated the terrible sadness in the boy's eyes.

"Hey, want to see something kind of neat?" Harry asked him and the boy looked up at him but didn't say anything. Harry waved his hand in front of the boy and bubbles appeared in the air. The boy's mouth dropped open a little and curiosity began to flood into replace the forlorn look in his eyes.

Harry waved his hand again and the bubbles turned into tiny paper birds that flew around in circles just above the table. Harry felt a swell of happiness when the small boy smiled.

Taking his lead Lily charmed an empty goblet to grow small feet and tap dance across the table, Remus pulled out his wand and provided a miniature fireworks display just above the dancing goblet, James wrote out Alex's name in the air in front of him in letters that then began swooping up and down the table. But it was Sirius who broke the wall, when he conjured tiny little men made of wood who began wobbling about the table running into things and falling over. Alex laughed when one of them tumbled onto the plate in front of him. He picked it up and held the tiny wooden man in his hand, where the man promptly began marching back and forth across the tiny palm.

"Can I keep him?" Alex glanced at Sirius who smiled back and picked up another little man and handed it to Alex.

"Of course, but you'll have to take two so he doesn't get lonely."

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AN: Anybody wondering where Snape and Wormtail have gotten off to? Any guesses?


	15. Mercy

AN: This chapter is first and foremost up so quickly because of the wonderful review from **Raion, **after which I simply had to return in kind. And, I say this to you, just to tease…some of the things you noted in there are pretty close to the mark…you'll have to wait and see which.

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Harry couldn't sleep. Even the calm serenity he could feel coming from Sirius and Remus as they slept, didn't quite his own thoughts. He stood and dressed quietly before heading down the stairs to the common room.

The common room was empty and the fire had been allowed to die. There was a bit of a chill to the room. Harry stood at the bottom of the stairs blocking out the pain that was throbbing in left leg. He stared around the room and ached for all the people it used to house. He made his way out of the tower ignoring the disgruntled snort of the Fat Lady. He wandered a bit, paying no mind to where he was going and not caring if he was caught. Filch and Mrs. Norris didn't scare him, neither did detentions.

He couldn't keep pace with his thoughts. There was a burning anger that lingered in the pit of his stomach. Anger at the violence, and the Death Eaters, and Voldemort. But most of all anger at the world and fate and the choices it had forced him to make. He was angry at himself for allowing hope and unhindered happiness to sweep into his life, when he knew full well what was to come. He had set himself up for it all, and he had not been prepared enough on the platform. He thought about Alex and his father and he berated himself for not being quick enough, not being ready enough.

Suddenly, a door materialized to his left and he turned and pulled it open. In the back of his mind he knew it was the Room of Requirement. When he crossed the threshold he found himself inside a large empty space. There was nothing in the room but Harry. He moved to the center of the room and turned in careful circles. The walls were blank, even the door he had entered through had disappeared. _Well, that's interesting._ Harry thought. _Wonder how I get out._ But even as he thought it the door reappeared and Harry stared at it for a moment before it faded away again.

Harry looked around the room again and then suddenly there was a loud thunk behind him. He turned quickly and found himself face to face with a large metal dummy. Again Harry stared but before he could contemplate it the dummy raised it's arm and jet of white light sped from the mock wand in its hand. Harry ducked and rolled painfully over his left side. He followed the path of the curse and saw a scorch mark where it had impacted the wall behind him.

"Not for play then." Harry said to no one and his voice echoed across the room. The dummy sent another jet of red light in his direction but Harry raised his hand and deflected it back on to the dummy that staggered at the impact. Harry stood quickly and shot off a rope-binding curse at the dummy. But the dummy moved to the side with a graceful kind of sliding and fired another cure at Harry.

Harry sent a reducto curse at the dummy and successfully blew off one of its arms. The curses were flying back and forth so quickly that Harry was breathing heavily and his heart was pounding wildly. Finally another reducto curse blasted the dummy into evaporation. Harry bent over at the waist with his hands on his knees and took a breath, the he heard the telltale thunk yet again. Harry turned and sent off a reducto and a binding curse in quick succession but missed the mark both times and was grazed by a burning curse on his left arm. He sucked in a quick breath. He sent a hammer curse at the dummy and caused it to stagger backwards several steps. Harry heard another thunk and turned to see another dummy advancing on him from behind.

"Bloody hell!" He yelled out breathily before sending the vine curse in the direction of the first dummy and a reducto at the other. Several minutes later one of the dummies lie immobilized from a stupefy and the other was struggling against two binding jinxes. Harry got a little more creative when three more dummies popped up. By the end of it one of them had disintegrated when Harry had lit him afire, the other was in pieces after Harry's brutal use of levicorpus, and the other was waving a white flag out of the tip of his mock wand as he stood demurely in the corner one arm dangling precariously off to the side. Harry stood in the center of the room one arm out in front of him one off to the side, his legs spread apart waiting for another one to appear. After a minute or so the dummies disappeared and chairs and a table appeared in the corner with a small box on top of it. Harry limped over to the table and sat down heavily in one of the chairs. He opened the box and pulled out a burning salve, which hi rubbed carefully on his left arm, he drank a potion that was labeled to be a pain reliever and settled back into the chair willing the pain in his leg to subside.

He looked around the room and laughed. _You know there's something wrong with you, when the room of requirement tries to kick your ass. _He thought.

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He was sweaty but exhilarated when he left the Room of Requirement and didn't feel like heading back to the dorm. Instead, he went up to the Astronomy tower, hoping he wouldn't find anyone there at this hour. It was so late now, it was early.

He struggled up the steps and had to take a break about mid-way through. He cursed his damn leg before pushing on up. When he stepped out onto the balcony the fresh air felt good against his hot skin and he took a deep breath. He limped over to the edge and placed his hands on the railing, looking out over the grounds. He didn't turn when he heard the shuffle of movement behind him.

"Beautiful isn't it? Untainted." He said simply.

"Waxing poetic are we, Pierson?" a hard cold voice said from behind him.

"Severus, come take a look, even you can't deny it." Still, Harry didn't turn. He heard Severus snort but the boy came and stood next to Harry anyway.

Harry heard the boy let out a little sigh after a minute of looking out across the grounds where the sun was just starting to peak out over the trees of the Forbidden Forest.

For a moment there was nothing but understanding between them, but Severus shifted and Harry could feel the tension building.

"Pierson…" Snape started and it was hard to distinguish his tone.

"Call me Harry, please, Severus. No need to be so formal." Harry smiled a little but still didn't look at the boy.

"Pierson…look…" _Stubborn to the end_, Harry thought and laughed a little but Severus continued. "About the duel…I've been wondering something."

"Sure." Harry let his gaze fall on the lake where the squid splashed occasionally.

"You're powerful. We all saw that on the platform, you could have done me far worse." His voice had lost the cold, deadened tone and spiked with light intrigue.

"I could have." Harry nodded.

"Why did you hold back?"

Harry sighed and finally faced the boy. He looked Severus, the boy's long dark hair fell to his chin, and he looked tired, on edge. But in his eyes there was not nearly so much bitterness as he recalled from the older version of him.

"What good would hurting you have done me? Or killing you for that matter?" Harry shook his head. "You are not my enemy, Severus. And I do hope I am not yours."

Severus didn't respond, instead he shifted his gaze back to the grounds.

"Are you planning to join him?" Harry asked his voice even.

Again, silence, but Harry had seen the other boy stiffen at the question.

"Severus…" But Harry didn't know where to go with it.

"What do you know of it?" Snape said as if his words were a weapon.

"More than you think."

Severus looked at him and Harry could feel the boy trying to get into his mind. Harry pushed a few memories out to him, the worst of them. People dying in the streets at the hands of the Death Eaters, a little girl under the Cruicatus, death and pain and screaming. He saw Snape stagger back with the force of it all before he closed his mind again and turned away.

"How did you…" The boy began his voice a little uneven.

"Are you planning to join him?" Harry asked turning and looking at him directly.

"I…" But he stopped before saying anything further.

"If you join him, know this," Harry said not dropping his stare, "I will find you, and I will kill you. And it will be out of mercy that I do it."

"Mercy?" The boy shot back with anger in an attempt to cover the fear Harry could still see in his eyes.

"You are not my enemy, Severus, and you would not survive the Death Eaters, even if I left you alone." Harry said. "The look on your face after you hit me with your charming cutting spell…told me enough. You were disgusted with yourself. Can you imagine killing people? Children….on a whim? Can you imagine raping women to torture them for information? That is what the Death Eaters do."

Severus dropped his eyes to the ground.

"They are champions of no cause but murder, pain, and torture. Nothing else." Harry said. "You are not made for that. It would be a slow painful death for you to do as they do."

Severus still said nothing and did not meet Harry's eyes.

"Peter Pettigrew has been noticeably absent from Gryffindor tower for a while. Has he been with you then making plans for his future?"

"He has not been with me. With others…whose future is already set." Severus raised his eyes and when Harry met them his mind was flooded with an image Severus forced upon him. It was Peter Pettigrew, standing in a darkened classroom surrounded by Slytherians, few of whom Harry recognized, he was proudly displaying the mark on his arm.

"I see." Was all Harry said. He met the boy's gaze once again.

"Will you kill him out of mercy as well?" Snape had attempted to retrieve his cold tone but failed.

"I have no mercy for fools." Harry said coldly, "Peter looks for nothing but power because he is weak."

"And I?" Severus asked boldly.

"You are no fool, Severus." Harry said. "But what you are looking for you will not find in Voldemort's arms."

Snape flinched at the name and Harry tried not to laugh, _how much difference twenty years makes_, he thought.

Harry turned and slowly limped his way back to the door.

"Harry." Snape said suddenly and Harry turned back to him.

"You saved my life, and my mother's on the platform." He said quietly. "I owe you a debt for her and myself."

Harry nodded. They looked at each other for a long moment, and for the first time Harry noticed that the boy held a black envelope in his hand. Severus glanced down at the envelope and then met Harry's eyes again as he tucked the envelope inside his robes.

"It is never too late, Severus." Harry said. "To change your future."

Harry turned without waiting for a response and made his way down the stairs again.

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Harry's leg gave out a few steps before he reached the end of the staircase and he reached out in vain for something to hold on to. Instead he fell, but instead of the hard impact he expected he collided with something slightly more forgiving than the stone floor.

Harry let out a groan as he rolled off the person he'd fallen into and he lay on his back on the cold stone floor.

"Harry?" It was Remus, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. You?" Remus nodded and stood, "Help me up, mate?" Harry said and Remus pulled him gently to his feet. "What are you doing out here?"

"I was just going to ask you that." Remus said with raised eyebrows.

"I asked first." And Remus rolled his eyes. "I was just looking for a place to think. Had a nice chat with Severus a long the way." Harry said.

Remus' eyes narrowed and he looked up the stairs to the tower. Harry threw an arm around his shoulder, he could feel a muted rage boiling inside Remus.

"Calm down, Rem. He didn't push me down the stairs." Harry laughed, "We had a nice little talk he thank…well he kind of thanked me for saving his life on the platform."

Remus looked at Harry critically.

"I promise Rem, I fell down the stairs myself. I think I overdid it with the leg a bit." Harry shrugged. "Now, you…what brings you to the Astronomy tower in the wee hours of the morning?"

Remus blushed and Harry looked at him and raised an eyebrow. Remus said nothing but his blush got deeper and it struck Harry.

"Oh…_ohhh_…." He drew out and Remus pushed him lightly but it still caused Harry to stumble and nearly fall. After Remus had helped him regain his balance, Harry looked at him. "Jeez. Push the cripple why don't you."

"Do shut up, Har—." But Remus didn't finish his sentence because a blonde girl who was coming down the hall quickly glancing behind her every few steps captured his attention. The girl was pretty by anybody's standards and when she looked up and smiled at them Harry understood why Remus would want to lose sleep to meet her at the Astronomy Tower.

"You sly old dog. Why didn't you tell me?" Harry whispered to his friend. Remus dug an elbow into Harry's ribs.

"Shut up." The other boy said.

"Hey Remus," The girl said tentatively as she approached them. She glanced at Harry. "Harry…right?"

"Yes. Nice to meet you." Harry said with a smile and then turned to Remus who blushed. "Well, best be off. The tower's occupied at the moment. That's what I was just telling Remy-boy here. Have a nice go of it. Ta!"

He rushed his little speech out and made his escape as quickly as possible, after he had given himself a bit of distance from the couple he glanced back and caught Remus' glare. He laughed and stuck out his tongue before continuing down the hall.

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Harry returned to the common room and closed the door in the middle of the Fat Ladies' rant. He stepped into the common room and fell onto the sofa. He pulled a pillow over and laid length-wise across it. He stared at the ceiling for a long time replaying his conversation with Severus over and over. He closed his eyes and was just about to drift off when he felt a sudden of panic wash over him. The feeling was followed closely by the door to the common room opening and closing very quickly and then heavy panting coming from that direction.

"Close call there, Rem?" Harry said without opening his eyes.

"Oh shut up." Remus said as he settled himself in one of the chairs.

Harry sat up and looked at his friend. The boy couldn't hide the smile or the light in his eyes and it gave Harry a certain sense of peace. The pure bliss that was radiating from the boy was making Harry a little dizzy and it took him a minute to redirect the incoming emotion so that he could focus.

"Sooo…are you going to tell me about your Scarlet Woman or…no?" Harry asked with a smirk.

"Scarlet…you're a right git." Remus said but he was still smiling as he threw a pillow at Harry.

"Tell me about her." Harry said tossing the pillow back at Remus.

"Her names Audra. She's a Ravenclaw."

"Well…I'd gathered as much from the introductions and the robes." Harry said and Remus shook his head.

"She's in my History of Magic course." Remus said as he rubbed his neck.

"Riiight. And how long has this secret affair been going on?" Harry asked.

"Since just before break…" Remus said slowly.

"Before…YOU!" Harry sat up and pointed at Remus, "You scoundrel, that's nearly three months! Where did you hide her letters? Did she come to the house? Why didn't you TELL me!"

"Harry would you please SHUT UP!" Remus yelled.

"I WILL DO NO SUCH THING!" Harry said standing, "YOU, SIR, HAVE BEEN SNOGGING A PRETTY LITTLE RAVENCLAW RIGHT UNDER MY NOSE FOR MONTHS! OH THE BETRAYAL!" Harry waved his hands dramatically and then fell back on the couch as if wounded. He glanced at Remus who was shaking his head.

"So…how was the snog then?" Harry said after a moment, this time Remus threw a book in his direction but Harry waved his hand and sent it flying across the room. Remus glared and Harry stuck his tongue out at him, for the second time that night.

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It had been a week since they had returned to the school and things were slowly getting back to normal. But the environment that Dumbledore had tried so hard to maintain was now tinged with a fear and nervousness that hadn't been there before. The Daily Prophet had begun reporting on Voldemort in earnest now that his existence could no longer be denied. Harry read it from cover to cover and his friends were a little unnerved by the fact that Harry would take notes while he did. They knew he was forming some sort of strategy but only Sirius and Remus understood why. Their understanding went a long ways from comforting them though.

Alex now ate all of his meals with the five Gryffindor but if anyone was bothered by it no one said a word. The boy had brightened quite a bit and was a surprisingly uplifting person to have around. He asked them a million questions about magic and the school, Lily and Remus absolutely doted on the boy, who was quite brilliant in his studies. He also sat and worked alongside them in the Library while they crammed for their rapidly approaching tests. He had become a source of happy distraction for all of them.

There were only two things that concerned Harry. Firstly, he had still not worked out exactly what he would say to the headmaster, and although Dumbledore had made no attempt to speak with him privately Harry was on edge constantly waiting for the moment to come. And Secondly, Peter had returned to Gryffindor tower and seemed to be trying to re-establish his old ties. James and Sirius tolerated the boy's return much the same way they had before, while Remus, in his ever kind and forgiving nature had jumped at the opportunity to regain a friend. It made Harry sick to see Remus talking with him, helping him with his schoolwork, but Harry wasn't sure how to intervene. So, for the moment he simply watched it happen but made no attempt to make friends with him.

"Harry?" Lily's voice broke through Harry's thoughts and he looked up from the page in his book he was staring at.

"Yeah?" He said.

"You were just a million miles away…is all" Lily looked at him strangely. "Everything all right?"

"Yeah. Fine." They were in the Library studying for an upcoming quiz in Transfiguration. Sirius and James were down at the quidditch pitch with Alex, and Remus was off somewhere, most likely in a broom closet with his no-longer secret girlfriend. "Look, I think I'm done in with the studying for now. You want to go play a game of chess or something?"

Lily smiled at him but shook her head, "I'll stay a bit longer. Catch you at dinner?"

Harry nodded and packed up his things. He made his way out of the Library and was on his way back to the dorm when he saw Dumbledore coming down the hall toward him. He considered his possibilities of escape for a moment before realizing how ridiculous he would look if he did anything of the sort. So he just continued walking and Dumbledore smiled as he saw him.

"Ah, Harry. Just the person I was looking for." Dumbledore said and Harry groaned inwardly. "Have you time to chat with me just now?"

A flood of excuses made their way into Harry's mind but he sighed and nodded.

They walked quietly for a while and then Dumbledore spoke, "Several Professors have commented to me about Alex Rettner and how you've taken him under your wing."

Harry nodded. "He's a good kid."

"That he is. And I'm sure, he's the better for having you and your friends around him at a time like this." Dumbledore smiled down at Harry.

Again, Harry nodded. They lapsed into silence once again and as they climbed the steps into Dumbledore's office Harry's mind was still racing.

"Take a seat, Harry." Harry sat down and Dumbledore offered him a bowl of yellow candies. "Lemon Drop?"

"No thank you, sir." Dumbledore nodded and smiled.

"So. I'm sure you understand my curiosity." Dumbledore became slightly more serious. "You showed up here very suddenly, and you are quite bright shooting right to the top of your classes. And then you save hundreds of lives using a spell that is far beyond the knowledge of many fully-trained wizards, and elude to a knowledge of Lord Voldemort."

"I can see how it would be a bit odd, yes." Harry said glancing around the office his eyes landing on Fawkes.

"Harry, what is it that you know of Voldemort?" Dumbledore's gaze bored into Harry.

"I know who he is, I know what he is capable of. And I know that he is recruiting students as we speak." Harry met the older man's gaze and did not flinch.

"And how is it that you know this?"

"I've spent a great deal of time fighting him." Harry said, "And as for the students…lets just say I've spoken with someone who has been made an offer."

Dumbledore nodded and there was a deep weariness in his eyes. "Yes, I know of the letters."

"You could stop it." Harry said bluntly.

"I could stop the letters here, but they would get them eventually. Most of these students…go home to families where wearing Voldemort's mark would be seen as a badge of honor." Dumbledore said. "It is best they make the choice themselves."

"You would think so." Harry's voice was cold but Dumbledore didn't argue it.

"Harry, you say you've been fighting him. How? With whom?" Dumbledore asked his voice still kind and gentle but Harry could feel the force of the questions.

"I have been fighting him however I can, and with whom doesn't matter. They are all gone now." Harry kept his voice strong and unwavering and built a wall in his mind to hold back the flood of painful memories.

Dumbledore sat back in his chair and looked at Harry trying to gauge his next move. Harry knew the look, he had seen it many times before. The man was trying to determine precisely how far to push Harry.

"What matters now, is that I'm willing to fight on your side, to do what I can to make it stop." Harry's voice was calm and gave away no emotion.

"You are wise, Harry. To be so cautious." Dumbledore said. "Where I in your shoes, I would be also. Time ripples like water, and the wrong move can cause disaster."

Harry's head shot up as the words left the headmaster's mouth.

"Yes, I know, Harry. I have known for sometime."

"How?" Harry's mind was spinning.

"There were a number of clues, the least of which is that you have the names of many close friends tattooed on your arm…along with mine."

Harry glanced down at his arm and cursed himself silently. When Remus had asked about Kingsley, Harry had begun to think that perhaps his decision to get the tattoo was a poor one.

"Don't put yourself out about it, I do believe that I am rather clever at times." Dumbledore's eyes were twinkling but Harry felt sick. "The Centaurs are the only known species able to affect time in such a way. I spoke with Firenze and he confirmed that they foresaw a traveler."

"I see." It was all Harry could manage.

"I will not ask you for your knowledge, it is yours to give where you can." Dumbledore said. "I have but one question, if you would consider it."

Harry looked at the man and nodded.

"The war is coming, as you said. And in your time…I gather we had failed. Can you stop this?" Dumbledore's voice was no weaker than it ever was, but there was a desperation to it that startled Harry.

"I have to." Harry said.

Dumbledore nodded.

"I have two requests of you, Headmaster." Harry said sitting a little straighter.

"Yes?"

"This information is to be kept between us." Dumbledore nodded. "And we need to begin recruiting for the Order. Any student of age who can be trusted."

Dumbledore looked as if he were going to argue but Harry held up a hand.

"They will be in it anyway, they will either die as witnesses or fighting ill-prepared." Harry said, "We can give them protection and training. The war is on our doorstep. No one will escape it."

Dumbledore sighed, "I will think on it."

Harry nodded and stood.

"One other thing, Harry. If you please." Dumbledore stood as well and Harry nodded to him. "Do you know why it was that you were sent here? Why you and not another?"

"He has cost me everything, everyone I love, my past, my future." Harry said blankly, "I imagine I was sent here, because I had nothing left to lose and everything to gain."

With that he walked to the door and out of the office as Dumbledore sat down at his desk staring after him.

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AN: Thoughts? Where are the Severus fans—I expect a little love from you! Please Review!! Your reviews inspire me and give me momentum!


	16. Smell of a Traitor

AN:** Raion, **once again….you spoil me with your long reviews. It is really helpful to get such detailed responses though! Plus…you get me excited about the story**. All of you do!** I think I have the best reviewers ever.

Note:

**Prophecy Timeline-** Alright, so I see your point about the prophecy being made later. But, in my little time-altered HP World, once Harry was sent back the prophecy is no longer referring to a new child born but to the arrival of the older Harry. The text of the prophecy still makes sense if you apply it to my time-traveling Harry. He's definitely approaching. He was born to those who thrice defied Voldmort, his birthday doesn't change, he's already been 'marked', he has power Voldemort knows not, and one of them must still kill the other. They way I'm playing it…Harry was always meant to be sent back in time and the prophecy was made because of Harry's time-traveling, Volemort's interpretation was entirely based on assumption. (PS. HP-Lexicon dates the prophecy sometime in 1980, but it isn't ever explicitly stated, so I like to think I might be treading the line but still mostly canon.)

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Harry was walking to the Great Hall for lunch after Charms strangely alone. It was unusual that he was found without the company of at least one of the Marauders, Lily or Alex. But he found it to be a welcomed break. His emotional connection with Remus and Sirius was beginning to take its toll. Remus' emotions were easy enough to handle, and anymore it was a happy giddiness that came from him. But Sirius' emotions were wild and unpredictable, soaring happiness would plummet into a dangerous anger or a disturbing sadness. And Harry found himself avoiding the boy at times, because it was all too much.

Harry had known even when he had called them to cast the spell that he would have to reverse it, and now it had reached a point where he couldn't avoid it anymore. But he also knew that it would come at a cost to the two people who mattered to him most and he had been trying to put it off.

Harry came down the stairs slowly, his leg was mostly healed but still ached dully nearly all the time. As he rounded the corner to the foyer he saw Peter standing just outside of the entrance to the Great Hall. Harry meant to walk past him but Peter wasn't going to allow it.

"Hi Harry." Peter said and the forced smile made Harry reconsider eating at all.

"Peter." Harry said with a slight incline of his head and moved again to move past him but Peter stepped in front of Harry.

"Have you seen James?" Peter asked.

"No." Harry's blood was boiling.

"Oh. How was your class?" Peter said, and gave that disgusting smile again.

"Fine." Harry said.

"Good, then. I was thinking we should hang out sometime." Peter said, and Harry saw the manipulation in his eyes. "We never really get to see each other, I feel like I don't really know you."

"You don't really know me." Harry said coolly. " And, that is no accident." Again Harry moved to walk around him but Peter blocked his path again.

"Why don't you like me?" Peter asked. "You haven't since we met. What've I ever done to you?"

Harry laughed, and it was a deep cold laugh that caused Peter to step back. He leaned in and whispered into the chubby boy's ear, "I can smell a traitor from a mile away."

With that he simply pushed the boy to the side gently and made his way into the Great Hall. He was only just in control of his temper. He knew he shouldn't let the boy get him so worked up, but what he knew about the man and what he knew about the boy were equally disgusting and infuriating, the added stress of Sirius and Remus' emotions had weakened his restraint.

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Harry was the first to arrive of his friends. He sat trying to calm his temper as he waited for the others to get there. Sirius sauntered in and Harry smiled at him as he sat down. Harry reached down and squeezed his hand under the table.

Sirius flipped his hair back and kissed Harry's cheek chastely. They didn't flaunt their affection. They had decided there was no need to make a scene, they knew it would be met with some friction, the wizarding world was a bit more accepting of it than the muggle world, however, the Pureblood fanatics that bucked the idea. and in the current climate they thought it was just better to keep it low key. Regardless, Sirius' bed hadn't been slept in weeks and silencing charms were becoming second nature to the both of them.

Lily wandered in and sat down with a disgruntled sigh.

"What's up Lil?" Harry asked and Lily frowned.

"What'd James this time, is more like it." Sirius said with a smile and ducked as Lily reached out to swat him.

"It's not James, it's Peter." Lily said and Harry felt his eyes narrow. "He just won't leave us alone. He's constantly pulling James off somewhere. I mean we're trying to get ready for NEWTs and plan our wedding for July. But what with Peter always dragging him off I can't get him to myself for more than a few minutes at a time."

"He's been clinging to me too." Sirius said. "But when I do give him a minute all he does is prattle about being best mates, and trusting each other. So I've been avoiding him like the plague. No offense, Lily, but I think he's gone girl."

Lily laughed but it was strained and Harry turned his eyes to the door. Remus came in holding hands with Audra and Harry smiled when he felt a rush of embarrassed happiness from Remus as Audra kissed him quickly before heading over to the Ravenclaw table.

"Awww. Young Love…You remember what that was like, darling?" Harry drawled out as Remus sat down.

Sirius picked up right away, "Oh yes, and the chaste kisses in the Great hall…"

"The broom closets on the third floor…" Harry put in.

"…the secret wonders of the Prefect's Bathroom…" Lily added causing them all to burst into laughter.

"You guys have corrupted Lily Evans!" Remus said, his face red from laughing.

"I could die a happy man at that statement." Sirius said.

James appeared a few minutes later and he and Lily had a brief whispered argument that ended with Lily saying "Fine." And James saying "I'm sorry." The food appeared on the table and everyone began to fill their plates. Harry hadn't been too concerned by Alex's absence at first, occasionally the boy sat at the Hufflepuff table out of pure loyalty, but when he looked over at the Hufflepuff table and didn't see Alex there, the worry crept in.

"You guys seen Alex?" He asked the group. They all frowned and Harry's heart dropped when they all looked to the Hufflepuff table and looked back at Harry with concern in their eyes. Harry stood, intending to go look for him when he saw the boy enter the Great Hall. Harry furrowed his brow when he saw Alex's hunched shoulders and the telltale swipe of his hand at his face.

Harry waited for him to approach.

"Hey buddy." Was all he said. Alex sat down but didn't say anything. Harry gave a look to the others and they too had furrowed brows, Lily looked like she was about ready to cry herself. Her empathy for the little Hufflepuff, made it impossible for her to stand the sight of his tears.

Harry leaned over to Alex and whispered to him.

"All right?" He asked quietly.

Alex nodded, and said "All right." But it was so quiet and sad that Harry knew the boy was most definitely not all right.

The meal was strained. All of the older students wanting to comfort Alex but not knowing how, every time they attempted to draw him in to a conversation he responded with as little information as possible. After about fifteen minutes the boy simply got up from his seat and made his way out of the Great Hall. Harry watched him go and tried to decide if he should follow him.

"What do you guys think?" Harry asked desperately.

They all looked at him.

"I think you should go after him. If he says he just wants to be alone then let him be, don't push it." Remus said quietly, still looking at the door where the boy had exited.

"I agree with Remus, maybe he wants somebody to follow him." James added. "When I was younger I used to hide in my room when I was sad just because I wanted my mum to come and find me."

Lily smiled a little at James' admission. "He looks so sad, he needs to know someone cares."

"I agree." Sirius said, and the strained tension seemed to break between them.

"Gee, thanks." Harry said shaking his head.

"Typical, Padfoot. We do all the work and he comes in at the end and tries to take credit." They laughed a little and then Harry stood.

"I'll see you guys in the common room after I see about Alex."

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Harry had been to all of Alex's favorite hideouts and was about to give up when he entered the library. He wandered toward the back where the muggle books were kept, he made his way to the back corner where Alex' favorite reading chair was and breathed a great sigh of relief to see the boy curled up in the chair a heavy book of fairytales in his lap.

Harry leaned against a bookshelf just in front of the boy and waited for him to take some notice of his presence. Alex looked up and frowned in a nearly tragic way.

"Hey. What you reading?" Harry's voice was soft and he made no move to get closer to Alex.

"Fairytales. It has all the ones my mom liked to read…before." Alex said. That one word tore at Harry's soul. So much of Harry's life existed in _before_. "You know they don't know what to do with me. That's what the lady from the Ministry said today. They don't know what to do with me now that Dad's gone too."

"Is that why you're upset?" Harry asked, still keeping his distance. "I'm sure it'll get worked out all right. I'll talk to Dumbledore and maybe you can stay with Remus and I this summer."

Alex shrugged and looked down at the book again. Harry moved over to him and sat on the arm of the chair.

"What's wrong, bud?" Harry asked. "You can talk to me."

"You don't have to be nice to me. I'm not a weak little puff, you know." Alex was trying so hard to be strong but his voice trembled and there were tears in his eyes, and it killed Harry.

"I don't think you're a weak little puff. Where did you hear that?" Harry asked.

Alex shrugged.

"Alex…you know I care about you, you're my little brother." Harry said but the boy wouldn't look at him.

"You say that. You say all those things. But it's okay. I know you don't mean it." Alex stared at his book and wiped a tear away with anger.

Harry knelt down at the floor, and pain shot up his leg but he ignored it. He closed the book Alex was holding and set it off to the side. Harry put his hands on Alex shoulders.

"Alex, look at me." The boy kept his eyes on his lap. "Look at me."

Alex finally looked up and his eyes were filled with pain and shame and Harry felt his own eyes sting with the sight of it.

"Alex, I do mean it. I mean all of it. We care about you. We want you around." Alex took a deep shuddering breath. "Who would keep Sirius out of trouble? Who would read with Remus back here in the dusty library on Sunday?"

Alex wiped away several more tears and Harry continued. "Who would Lily talk to about all those muggle movies she likes so much? Who would beat James at a treacle tart eating contest?"

Alex gave a little smile and Harry took a breath, "Who would be my little brother? Hmm? Who would tell me "Don't worry, Harry, they're just tests."?"

"We need you Alex, and we want you around. It's not because we feel sorry for you." Harry said and Alex nodded. "Why would you ever think that?"

"I dunno. I'm sorry. I was just having a bad day," Alex said and he let Harry pull him into a hug, "I was coming back from Dumbledore's office after talking to the Ministry lady, and I was sad and I ran in to Peter Pettigrew and he asked me what was wrong and I told him. He said that I should be careful because you guys don't like weak little puffs, and you prolly weren't my friends anyway, you just felt sorry."

Harry felt a calm anger take root in the pit of his stomach and began to grow rapidly. He hugged Alex tightly and then stood up.

"Peter Pettigrew is an idiot. I think I've told you that before." Harry said as lightly as he could manage, "You're supposed to listen to your big brother when he says things, you know." And he threw a wink to the younger boy.

"Sure, Harry." And Harry smiled at the sarcasm that the boy had developed, it was Sirius' doing he was sure. Harry pushed him a little before pulling him in for another hug.

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Harry had walked Alex back to the Hufflepuff dorm, and was still trying to force his anger down. He was failing and he felt his pace quicken as he got closer to the tower. He bit out the password harsh enough that the Fat Lady looked more frightened than annoyed, and as he crossed the threshold he felt the hair on his arms stand up. Harry knew he was losing control of his magic but he couldn't make himself care.

He could only think of the hurt in Alex's eyes, the loneliness. He could only see the image of Peter's proud display Snape had shown him. He heard Peter's words from the foyer replaying in his mind. He would not stand for this anymore.

When he stepped into the common room and saw Peter playing chess with Remus, while James and Lily were sitting on the sofa and Sirius was sitting upside-down in one of the chairs conjuring and tossing miniature snowballs at the first years.

None of them noticed Harry's presence. Without thinking Harry strode toward Peter and flicked his left hand out sending the chess board flying into the wall. Everyone in the common room stopped and stared. Remus had jumped back.

"What the hell—Harry?" James looked at him in pure shock. Harry ignored him. He flattened his palm and pushed it forward sending Peter up against the wall his feet dangling inches off the floor.

"Whoa, Harry. Calm down." Sirius said coming up next to him but Harry held out his other hand and formed a small shield between him and Sirius. Sirius backed up with his hands up in surrender.

"Harry…" Lily this time, "What's wrong?"

The look on Peter's face would have been funny if the situation wasn't so heated. Harry took a step closer and raised his other hand toward the boy. A million spells shot through his mind. He knew how to cause pain, and at the moment he could think of no one who deserved it more.

"Harry." Remus' voice was soft and he could feel nothing but concern coming off of him. Harry shook his head. "Harry."

"He deserves it Rem. If you knew…you would…" Harry said.

"Then tell me, tell us." Remus said. Harry could feel his anger abate slightly.

"Alex." Harry said and he saw the others glance at each other from the periphery of his eyes. "He told Alex that we didn't care about him. That he was a 'weak little puff' and that we only felt sorry for him."

He felt the rage shoot out from Sirius and it only fueled his own and he raised his hand again. Remus was serene still, and the only emotion Harry caught from him was disappointment.

"Is that true Peter?" James asked with a note of accusation in his tone.

Peter struggled and looked away.

"Answer HIM!" Sirius exploded.

"Look…he's just a kid, he was always hanging around." Peter started pathetically. They were all surprised when Lily was suddenly in front of Peter and with a wide swing punched him hard in the face.

There was a moment of shocked silence as Lily shook out her hand and James, Remus, and Sirius' jaws dropped open.

With a flick of his wrist Harry sent a controlled cutting charm at Peter and the left sleeve of his robe fell off neatly. It left his wrist bare for all to see. There was a collective gasp from the students who stood behind him and Harry could feel the loathing that came from Sirius.

Harry dropped his hold on Peter and approached him shaking Remus off as he went.

"I told you I could smell a traitor." Harry's voice was cold as ice, "You need to find somewhere else to be, Peter, you haven't any friends here."

Harry took a step back and felt Lily, James, Remus and Sirius come up behind him. Faced with their united front, Harry could see Peter searching for some way out.

"But…but…James." Peter turned to James, "We're best friends…since first year."

James looked at him and then turned his back and walked up to the dorms.

"Lily…you've always been so good to me…please…" Lily sent him a cold glare before following James.

"Remus…Sirius.." Peter begged. "I don't' mean it…I was just…"

"Save it." Sirius said and he followed Lily and James as well.

Harry still stood wanting to hurt him, wanting to make him suffer his anger was still ruling him. Remus put a hand on his arm and pulled them away, and Harry let him.

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Harry and Remus entered the dorm room to find Lily and James and Sirius all huddled together on his bed. Lily was crying and James had his arm around her, Sirius held her hand. Sirius looked controlled, but the minute Harry walked through the door the boy's anger swirled around him and made his heart speed up. He bent over and tried to breathe but he couldn't catch his breath. Suddenly, Remus' panic engulfed him and he fell to his knees.

"Harry!" Lily yelled and the three others came from the bed and were suddenly surrounding him. Sirius was now so close to him, that the mix of concern and anger coupled with Remus' increasing panic was washing out every thought in Harry's mind, Harry took several quick breaths, small black spots were appearing in his vision.

"CALM DOWN!" He yelled out with a strangled cry. Remus' panic died down almost instantly as the other boy backed up a bit. "Sirius…" Harry struggled to say. "Calm down."

Harry drew a breath as he felt Sirius rein himself in, his concern for Harry overwriting the anger.

Harry took several more shuddering breaths and then sat back. And held his head in his hands for several minutes. Finally, he reached out his hand and felt Remus pull him to his feet. He limped over and sat on the bed.

"What just happened?" Sirius' voice was quiet.

Harry didn't answer for a long while and the other sat down. Lily and James on the bed across from him and Remus and Sirius on each side of him.

"Emotional bond." Harry said. "From the shield on the platform."

Harry looked at Remus, "Oh Harry…"

"What does that mean?" Sirius said and Harry could feel his frustration building, always such extremes.

"Because the spell taps into the deepest of protective emotions, love, trust, need…if it is performed with aides…the caster has to bind himself with the aides to create the wall." Harry said looking at Sirius, "I had to bind myself to your emotions so I could direct them into the spell"

"So you've been…feeling our emotions since then?" Sirius asked.

"Yes."

"Why didn't you tell us?" There was a hint of anger in Remus when he said it.

"Because…I wanted to put off the reversal." Harry, "But I can't anymore…it's becoming too much…you two _feel_ too much. I'm losing control of my own emotions."

Everyone was silent.

"Harry…there is only one way to remove the spell that I know of…" Remus said darkly, "And I'll have no part in it."

"How?" James spoke and his voice seemed strangely out of place in the conversation.

Harry looked up but didn't say anything.

"Harry, you could die." Remus said, ignoring James.

Harry closed his eyes as pure outrage poured out of Sirius, and he brought his hands to his head.

"Sirius…calm down…" Harry said.

"NO. Absolutely not." Sirius said, "That's ridiculous, we'll go to Dumbledore there has to be another way."

"Sirius. Calm down." Lily said firmly, "You're making him sick."

Sirius glanced at Harry and his outrage was replaced with a quiet guilt.

"There is not another way." Harry said. He stood unsteadily and made his way to his trunk. He opened it and pulled out gold plated dagger. As he approached the others Sirius and Remus' fear kept him from sitting back down.

"What the hell is that for?" Sirius asked.

"Protective emotions, Sirius, can be unbound by a willingly fatal attack." Harry said.

"No. I will not." Sirius said and he stood up.

"I need you too Sirius, my heart can't take much more of this." Harry said.

"Damn it, Harry." Sirius looked at him, "This isn't fair."

"I know."

"And how do you know it won't kill you?" He asked with a hard edge to his voice.

"I've done it before."

Sirius looked at Remus.

"Can you believe this?" Remus looked at Sirius and sighed, Sirius yelled at him. "You can't actually be thinking of doing this!"

"We don't have a choice. He can't take the emotions Sirius…his heart won't survive it." Lily's voice was soft and this only seemed to infuriate Sirius further.

"You're mad. You're all mad."

James stood up and went to Sirius. "It'll be all right, Padfoot. Lily's got some healer training now…she'll make sure he's okay."

Sirius looked desperately to Lily who nodded.

"Sirius…please." Harry was nauseous from Sirius' roller coaster of emotions. "Please."

Sirius looked again at each of his friends hoping for some sort of help, when he got none he collapsed on to the bed and Harry's soul ached with the fear and pain that came from the boy.

"I'll be all right." Harry said.

"You had better be." It was harsh, and the sound of tears came out in Sirius' tone.

Harry handed the dagger to Remus who took it after a moment's hesitation.

Harry knelt in front of the two boys, he fought his own tears as their fear and pain washed over him. "You have to do it together, and once you do pull the dagger out quickly. You'll need a lot of force but don't let go until the connection breaks."

Remus nodded and Sirius wouldn't' meet his eyes. Harry looked at them, "Okay, on three then?"

Lily was sobbing behind him and Harry could hear James whispering to her.

"One." Harry met Remus eyes.

"Two." He took a deep breath.

"Three." He felt the blade enter his chest and the pain was searing through his mind, as if every part of his mind that had been touched by the other boy's emotions was being sanitized. He felt the boys pull back on the dagger and he could feel the bind being pulled out of him. He forced his eyes open and saw the blue string of light pulling from his chest, finally it broke and the remainder curled back in on Harry. He fell backwards as the tension was broken and took a heaving breath.

Lily was at his side immediately and he could feel her opening his shirt and looking for the wound.

"There's nothing here." She said awed, "Harry are you okay?"

He didn't move for a minute. But, he nodded and then felt Lily help him sit up.

He looked at Remus and Sirius who were both sitting at the bed staring at him with a look that was somewhere between horror and relief.

He wanted to go to them but he couldn't move, instead he held out his arms and after a moment Sirius and Remus came carefully to sit next to them. Harry put one arm around each of their shoulders and pressed their heads together.

"I'm sorry." Harry said his voice was ragged, "But honestly, your emotions are a bit much."

Relief washed over him as the two boys laughed a little. Harry closed his eyes and tried not to think about the last time he had said those very same words.

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Remus had seemed to hold on tighter to Harry in the days following the reversal of the bind, while Sirius had grown distant. He had started sleeping in his own bed and left Harry alone with his thoughts. He had woken twice from nightmares that were a dark twist on reality, a younger Sirius falling through the veil, just out of Harry's reach.

Harry had snuck out of the dorm that night and spent three hours attacking dummies in the Room of Requirement. By the end, he was exhausted, his leg stung with pain and he had been burned, cut and was pretty sure his left index finger was broken. He walked out of the room and down the dark corridor, he couldn't bear the thought of going back to his empty bed. He considered going up to the Astronomy tower but didn't think he'd make it up the stairs.

So he walked by, he heard voices coming around the corner and stepped behind a statue in case it was Filch or a teacher.

The voices got nearer and Harry could hear a girl giggling, and a low male tone. He waited hoping they'd pass him by but they stopped not far from where he was.

He could hear the shuffling of feet, and the girl making little moaning sounds. Harry sighed and decided that unless he wanted to be here all night he'd have to try and sneak off with out being seen. He stepped out from behind the statue and meant to turn and go down the hall, when he caught a glimpse of the couple.

The girl was pressed up against the wall, her long brown hair mussed her face was obscured and her hands were gripping the back of the leather jacket, Harry had bought Sirius for Christmas. Harry stood staring at the two of them for a long time, his mind not making the connection at first between the leather jacket and Sirius. But his heart was beating painfully, and his chest felt heavy with emotion, as if he was being smothered. He took a step back and just as he turned to walk away from t he scene, Sirius turned and looked at him.

"Harry…" Sirius' voice was laced with surprise and fear, but Harry turned and moved quickly down the hall.

With his leg already weak, he stumbled and fell and by then Sirius had caught up to him. Harry felt Sirius' hand on his arm as if he was being burnt and pulled away forcing himself to stand on his injured leg.

"Harry…please." Sirius' voice was weaker than Harry had ever heard it, but the blood pounding in Harry's ears drowned it out.

Harry shook his head and continued down the hall, without looking back.

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Harry made it back to the dorm, the pain from his leg was nothing in comparison with the sheer torture he felt as his mind replayed what he had just seen over and over. Harry climbed the stairs to the dorm in a daze and in the darkness he stared at his bed. All he could see in it was Sirius. He stood for a long time before he walked over to Remus' bed. He couldn't bring himself to wake his friend, so instead he stood there and let the tears fall. His breath came out in painful little gulps and he didn't even bother to try and wipe away the tears.

"Harry." Remus' voice was softer even than it normally was, and Harry took a deep breath and looked at him. Remus lifted up his blanket and Harry kicked off his shoes and climbed into the bed next to him. Remus wrapped an arm around him and Harry broke into tears. Remus didn't say anything he just let Harry cry and held him closer as the sobs peaked and then eventually died down.

"I've never felt a sadness this heavy." Harry whispered.

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So. There you are. Yes, I know I'm awful. But it's HARRY…his life is _never_ easy. Tell me what you think! Also—I pose a poll for my devoted readers. Should Severus go Death Eater or not? He's going to be making his decision soon…your vote counts! REVIEW!


	17. The Nature of Pain

AN: So, the reviews I have gotten in response to the last chapter were phenomenal and I want to thank you all so much. I'm going to address the questions that are pertinent to the story as of now. Also, if I don't respond to something it'll be either because I want the story/characters to speak for themselves on it or I don't want to give something away.

_Notes:_

_General-_ I'm not tied to anything when it comes to relationships or plot. I write like I live: one day at a time. So aside from your voting on Severus' fate, everything just comes as it comes.

_Remus- _ Remus is most definitely straight (in this universe, at least). So please, lets not get our hopes up.

_Remus' girl­_- No worries Remus' girlfriend will not be a major character at any point.

_Horcruxes­­_- Don't forget that Harry still has all of the knowledge from before. Dumbledore doesn't have to gain the information the hard way. ****wink****

_Alex- _ **Raion**,my wonderful reviewer, gave me the little push to keep Alex around and helped shaped the route to make it happen. So we'll likely see Harry fighting more than one war.

And now….

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Harry understood the nature of pain, physical pain was all about nerve endings and your brain's way of interpreting their reactions. Harry had read in a magazine he found in the trash at the Dursley's, that people were known to be born with damaged nerve endings, or an inability to interpret them. As children, they thought themselves to be invincible, something like those American superheroes. These children would get hurt more than an average child, and at times, they would die because they could not tell the difference between the pain that wounds and the pain that kills. Pain is a warning sign, pain is the flashing light telling you to proceed with caution.

Harry did not sleep, he lay in bed with Remus' arm around him his head aching from the tears he had shed and he thought about what he'd seen. He examined the details because he wanted to understand, needed to understand. Because only with understanding could he proceed with caution. It was Laura, her long brown hair, pale skin, and Ravenclaw robes all pointed to that. Her hands had been in his hair, and then gripping his jacket. The jacket Harry had bought him. She had painted her fingernails a strange color, blue…or purple. She had made little moaning noises, and Sirius' hands had…

Harry sat up abruptly. Remus' arm had been roughly thrown off and Remus cursed and sat up, rubbing his eyes.

"Harry…wha…"

But Harry was already up and pulling his shoes on.

"His hands…" he whispered.

"Harry…what…" Remus was groggy and it was evident in his voice, as was the concern.

Harry turned to Remus and hugged him.

"Thank you."

Remus looked at Harry the way someone might look at a person they're considering having committed. Harry pulled away and left the room. He made his way down the stairs slowly, his leg was stiff but it didn't hurt as much.

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Harry's mind wanted his body to go faster than it could and he found himself frustrated. When he got to the common room he was moving with so much purpose that he nearly walked right past Sirius. He would have if the boy hadn't dropped the bottle of firewhiskey that he was holding. Harry spun at the sound and looked at the disaster before him. Sirius was not drunk, because a drunk Sirius would have been serenading Harry or begging dramatically at his bedside. No…Sirius was not drunk, he was trying to be invincible.

Harry didn't move from the spot he stood in, Sirius didn't move either. They stared at each other and Harry was comforted by the fact that he couldn't feel Sirius' emotions anymore. Sirius seemed frozen, as if he was afraid one movement would scare Harry off. Harry took a step forward and placed a hand on the back of the sofa.

"Your hands." Harry said pointing at him.

"My hands?" Sirius bit his lip, he was clearly confused but treading lightly.

Harry walked around the sofa and found himself pacing. He glanced back at Sirius who was looking like he was afraid Harry was going to hit him. "Stand up." Sirius stood like a man walking to the gallows and somewhere deep down in his soul Harry was laughing at the absurdity of his entire life.

Harry walked to Sirius and stopped just in front of him. "Kiss me."

"What?" Sirius took a step back.

"Kiss me." Harry said.

"Harry…what is this?" Sirius looked afraid and exhausted.

"Damn it, Sirius!" Harry yelled, "Honestly! I just caught you snogging _Laura_ in the hallway! Get over yourself and kiss me!"

Sirius pulled Harry to him in a rough crushing kiss, it was desperate at first and then it settled into the kiss Harry knew. And Harry felt the heaviness in his chest relinquish it's hold, because Sirius' hands were in Harry's hair, they were touching his face. Sirius' hands weren't hanging down at his sides, Sirius' hands were _loving_ him. Harry pulled away and sighed. He scrubbed his hands on his face and laughed a little.

He looked at Sirius who had his hand on his lips and his eyes were distant.

"You were being a coward tonight, Sirius." Harry said. "And I want to know why."

Sirius shook his head. "I'm sorry."

"I don't want you to be sorry, in fact I'd rather you weren't." Harry said, his voice was even, lukewarm. "I want to know why."

Sirius sat down and leaned over, elbows on his knees, head in his hands.

"Sirius. Tell me why, or I will walk away from you right now and keep on walking." Harry said.

"I…" Sirius didn't finish and after several minutes he said nothing. Harry's frustration was whispering angry thoughts in his mind.

"DAMN YOU! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP LOVING YOU." Harry couldn't take the silence, he needed anything but silence. "I don't know how to stop. So you better damn well explain it so that I can hit you or forgive you, because hating you isn't a choice you've given me!"

Sirius looked stunned and unsure. Harry heard footsteps on the stairs and knew Remus had heard him yelling, he looked over and found James standing there as well. He turned and saw Lily on the steps to the girl's dormitory. She whispered to the girls who had followed her and they turned and went back up to the room. And he took a deep breath and looked back to Sirius.

"Nothing?" Sirius didn't say a word, "Fine. Go to hell." He looked to James and Remus. " You two better move."

They looked at each other and stepped down into the common room. Harry waved his hand and his trunk came sailing gently down the stairs. He shrunk it, picked it up and put it in his pocket.

"Fine."

Three voices rang out all at once.

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"

"WHAT IS GOING ON?"

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO PADFOOT?"

Harry ignored them and made his way to the door, he was nearly there when Sirius spoke.

"I WANTED TO HURT YOU!" His voice sounded as if the words had been ripped from him. And Harry stopped, he turned around and looked at Sirius. "I wanted to hurt you."

"Well you succeeded." It was Remus' voice that rang out, cold and dry. And he made to walk toward Sirius but James held his arm. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Remus…" Lily said from across the room.

Harry looked at Sirius who was running his hands through his hair in a desperate way. Their eyes met.

"You asked me to hurt you, I took a knife and I stabbed you with it and maybe there isn't a wound or a scar, but there was blood on that blade." Sirius' voice shook and Harry forced himself to watch the boy slowly unravel. "How the hell…I stabbed you, you looked…I wanted to hurt you."

Nobody in the room moved but Sirius, who paced.

"You knew you could have died…but you didn't care." Sirius said but it was as if he was talking to no one. "Like it didn't matter. You dying didn't matter. Like none of it mattered."

And Harry understood. Pain is a warning sign, it is the blinking light telling you to proceed with caution, but it is also the reminder that you are still _alive_.

Harry stood staring at Sirius and he felt as if the breath had been sucked out of him.

"I care." He said and Sirius looked at him. Harry walked to Sirius. "I care."

Sirius nodded and Harry pulled him into a hug. The boys stood there holding each other and Sirius pulled far enough away to look him in the eye.

"I'm sorry." And Sirius was crying, and Harry took a deep breath. "I just…"

"Okay, okay." Harry said and he stepped back. "Lets…go to bed…we'll fix this."

Sirius slept in his own bed, and two hours later Harry crawled back into bed with Remus.

"Rem. I don't know if it's going to hurt worse to keep loving him, or to try and stop."

Remus sighed, "You don't always get to know all the answers, Harry, sometimes you have to take you best guess and go with it."

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The week had gone painfully slowly for Harry. He and Sirius were still at odds with each other and he didn't know what to do about it. Every time he saw Laura he wanted to scream, and betrayal sprung up in him with a renewed force. Forgiveness was harder than understanding. They hadn't touched, or kissed or even attempted to. They had floated along in a band-aided version of what they had previously. There was a strain on the entire group as the natural easiness of their existence was interrupted.

Beyond Sirius, there was Alex who was still a mess after being told that the Ministry simply did not know what to do with him. He clung to Harry, and wasn't eating or seemingly sleeping at all.

Dumbledore had been gone from the school for a week and the headlines continued to get worse. Muggle attacks were now so frequent they were only reported when the numbers were greater than ten. Students had been disappearing from school, nearly half of the Slytherian seventh years had simply left. There was very little question about where they had gone. Peter Pettigrew had disappeared the night he and Harry had fought.

Harry was frustrated and spent most of the nights in the Room of the Requirement, blowing things up. He had resumed using a wand all the time except when he was in the Room of the Requirement.

His moods were uneven and Harry was aware of this, whether it was the stress of Sirius, Alex, NEWTs, or the fact that the effort to fight Voldemort was still so far out of his reach, and there was nothing he could do to stop the headlines…he didn't know.

He was angry tonight, and had already been in the Room for two and a half hours. The room had started providing him with dummies that looked like Peter Pettigrew and Voldemort. Tonight he had blown Peter Pettigrew up four times. He was in the midst of a battle with two Voldemorts and a couple more Peters when he heard the door to the Room open. He glanced back and immediately saw Sirius standing there with wide eyes. He threw his hand out and tried the new shield spell he was trying, Sirius was suddenly surrounded by a bubble of white light. But it didn't last very long when all of the dummies fired off curses at him and Harry dropped the spell. He went back to the duel knowing that until they surrendered or he incapacitated him. He became so focused on the battle that he forgot Sirius had arrived until he felt the boy's back press against his own. The two of them worked seamlessly together, throwing curses and shields for each other, Sirius' speed balanced Harry's injuries, and Harry's power evened out Sirius' rash mistakes. By the end of it they were both free of injury and all five of the dummies had been incapacitated, besides the one who Harry had decided was the most cowardly. He stood in his regular corner waiving his little white flag.

Harry collapsed to the floor and Sirius followed. Both of them sweaty and out of breath. They sat in silence for a while, Sirius looking around the room.

"I've been trying to figure out how to get in here for days." Sirius said.

Harry rolled his eyes. "Stalking me?"

"Of course, I am." Sirius smiled a little but it was a melancholy gesture.

Harry looked away and they fell off into silence again, Harry watched as the dummy in the corner lowered his flag slowly. Harry watched him and with a sudden hand movement the dummy erupted in flames and then disappeared.

Sirius looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

"He always surrenders. I think he's been biding his time," Harry said, "Waiting for me to be distracted."

"I think you've been spending too much time in here." Sirius said with a laugh.

"Could be." Harry smiled a little.

Sirius waited a bit before speaking again, "You still haven't forgiven me."

Harry closed his eyes, "No."

"Will you ever?"

"I don't know."

Sirius sighed. "I guess…I thought…"

"Understanding why you did it…helps, but it's still there." Harry said. "I swear I see that girl everywhere I go."

"Remus still won't speak to me." Sirius shook his head.

"He's been short with me as well." Was all Harry said.

"James and Lily told me that they think he feels guilty." Sirius looked at him and Harry stretched his neck.

"Why?"

"He and Lily and James, set us up." Sirius said. "Apparently, they had decided we needed to get it together and James was feeding me all this crap about some Toby kid from Ravenclaw and how Remus was going to get you guys together. That night that I showed up at your house, James and I had a row about it telling me that you would never choose me over this kid once you got to know him. I got riled up and decided to tell you how I really felt. James, it seems, knows me pretty well."

Harry laughed a little. "Merlin. And now Remus thinks it's his fault."

"Of course." Sirius said.

"Of course."

Harry stood up slowly and Sirius followed. They walked out of the Room of Requirement and made their way silently down the halls.

As they approached the Tower, Sirius turned to Harry.

"Did you mean what you said, about not knowing how to stop?"

"Yes."

"Do you want to?"

"No."

Sirius sighed. "Well, I guess that's something."

Harry nodded and stared at the boy, Sirius looked tired and lost and it pulled at Harry's heart. Harry reached out and touched the other boy's face, it was tentative, but Sirius leaned into the touch.

"She is nothing you know," He said, "Nothing to me. Not like you are."

"I know." Harry said and turned away.

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Dumbledore returned to the school the next day and Harry skipped dinner to go and see him. He had coaxed the password out of James and was making his way to the headmaster's office when he literally ran into Severus Snape.

"Severus?" Harry said. "I'm sorry."

"For many things, I'm sure." The boy bit out but there was a weariness in his voice that made Harry stop.

"Severus…are you.."

"Please, do not confuse our little _discussion_ to be some sort of budding friendship." Severus said and Harry noticed he once again held the black envelope in his hand.

"Going to send some post?" Harry said, ignoring the insult.

"Yes."

"I'm sad to hear it." Harry said.

"You know nothing. You can throw your words of honor and what is right around," Severus said with dark eyes, "But you don't know."

"Then tell me," Harry said.

"It is not an offer I can decline." Was all he said as he looked away.

"I don't believe that's true."

Something seemed to break in Severus at that moment and he pushed the envelope into Harry's hands roughly.

Harry read it and his face became a mask of stone, anger welled up inside him.

"You see." Severus said. "I cannot refuse."

Harry turned from the boy taking the letter with him and didn't listen to the boy's shouts of protest. He made his way to Dumbledore's office, shouted the password and made his way quickly up the stairs as possible. He strode into the office, not caring that Minerva McGonagall looked quite appalled at his unannounced entrance. Dumbledore, to his credit, hid his shock quite well.

Harry tossed the letter on his desk.

"You knew about this?" Harry didn't raise his voice but his tone was hard as stone.

"I'm not sure I understand what you're referring to, my boy." Dumbledore's ever-friendly nature did nothing but infuriate Harry.

"He's not just recruiting them," Harry bit out, "He's threatening their families. To refuse him is to kill your family."

There was a gasp from the Transfiguration professor but Dumbledore was unshaken.

"I ask again," Harry said, "You knew about this?"

"I had guessed."

"You are supposed to be protecting these students!" Harry yelled at the man,

"What would you have me do?" Dumbledore said, "Even if I stopped the letters, it doesn't mean they wouldn't get the message."

"Protect them! Protect their families!" Harry said, "Give them the option to refuse."

Dumbledore met Harry's gaze.

"You could do that." Harry said, "You have the ability to protect them."

"Not all of them want to be protected. Especially by me." Dumbledore said.

"Protect Severus' mother." Harry said.

"Is this what he wants?" Dumbledore asked, and Harry had no answer. "Minerva, will you please find Severus and send him to my office. We'll continue our discussion later."

Professor McGonagall left. And Harry sat in the chair she left.

"Harry, while we have a minute, I've been meaning to talk to you about Alex." Dumbledore said as he came around his desk.

"Okay."

"The Ministry will allow him to continue his schooling, but they are to send him to an orphanage for the breaks."

Harry's head snapped up. "No."

"Harry, there is nothing you can do for this."

"I am of age, I'll do something he can stay with me and Remus." Harry said.

"Harry, it is not so simple. The process for guardianship is not easy." Dumbledore's voice was soft.

"Nothing is ever easy," Harry laughed mirthlessly, "If it were, I'd be concerned."

"I understand you are attached to him, which is why I wanted to talk to you directly."

"He has no one but me and Remus, Sirius, James and Lily." Harry said, "We're all he has. I will fight for him."

"Are you sure it is wise…when you seem to be so determined to be at the forefront of this war…to be taking on additional responsibilities?" Dumbledore's words hit Harry like a ton of bricks. "Not to mention that you live with a Werewolf?"

Harry said nothing. He dropped his eyes to the floor. Behind him the door opened and Severus spoke.

"You asked to see me, Headmaster?" Harry could feel the boy's eyes on him.

"Yes, Severus. Harry has brought your letter to my attention." Dumbledore said, "He has asked me to offer protection to your mother."

Harry stood as Severus approached.

"Pierson, is meddling in my affairs." Severus said but Harry saw the brief flash of hope in them.

"It is your choice." Dumbledore said as he watched Severus closely. Severus looked at Harry again and Harry wanted to speak but Dumbledore continued, "However, there is something else that I would like to speak with you about."

Severus nodded.

"I am recruiting members for a group of Wizards fighting Voldemort. You are in a position that could be very valuable to our cause." Dumbledore's voice was clear and strong.

"No." Harry said.

"Harry, I believe I am speaking with Severus." Dumbledore said his eyes on Snape.

"You want me to spy for you." Severus said slowly and nodded.

"No." Harry said again moving closer to Dumbledore.

"I can speak for myself Pierson," Severus snapped, "Bravery does not lie only with Gryffindors."

"It isn't a matter of bravery, I told you before that you would not survive doing what they do," Harry said, "You will not survive it."

Severus looked at Harry coldly before turning to the headmaster, "I'll do it, sir."

"If you make him a spy, I will turn my back on you and this war Dumbledore." Harry said looking directly at the Headmaster.

"It isn't your choice to make, if he is willing," Dumbledore said. "The knowledge he could provide would save lives."

"At what cost? His life? His soul?" Harry asked, "There are other ways. We can find someone else, someone who's already inside. I will not throw him to the wolves."

"And why should you care, Pierson. You know nothing about me." Severus said, "We are not friends."

Harry didn't answer him, again he faced the headmaster. "He will be invaluable to the Order in many ways, but if you make him a spy. I will not be associated with you or the Order. You are asking him to live a life of torture."

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Whatever will happen next? The votes are so far leading with Non-Death Eater Snape. We've still got a couple more chapters before it's solidified so….make your case. Tell me what you think about Sirius and Harry. This just kind of came out…I had intended for Harry to be angry and unforgiving…didn't quite work out that way. BTW- no updates for a few days, I've got homework to do. But REVIEW me and maybe I'll cave and post again. I'm a sucker for good reviews.


	18. Stand With You

AN: Alright, so…you all are amazing with your reviews. All your questions and thoughts get me all worked up and I just HAVE to write. Blame it on my lack of social life as well, ha-ha.

_Notes:_

_Sirius/Harry-_ It's a little sad to see how many of you responded about having been cheated on. I know the feeling as well. But a couple of you hit the nail right on the head with Harry not fully understanding the magnitude of what he had asked Sirius and Remus to do when they reversed the bind. There are trust issues on both sides, and happy endings don't come easy.

_Harry and Voldemort: _This is post DH and I'm carrying it up to the point where Harry sacrifices himself, although the battle got much worse after that and Voldemort lived. So, his tie to Voldemort is gone.

_Peter-_ Peter was pretty much taken in with the Death Eaters already at the point Harry enters the picture, however, I also don't believe that as even good hearted as Harry is, he could handle being friends or trying to 'save' someone who did so much damage to him and people he loved. We all have our limits.

_Severus' Letter-_ **Raion**, made a good point regarding why Severus let Harry take off with his letter. The way I see it is this, Severus will never ask for help, pride has a way of getting in the way for him, so what better way to get some sort of help without really asking? It allows him to still remain sarcastic in the conversation with Dumbledore and doesn't show any weakness on his part.

_Errors-_ A couple of errors were pointed out, and I take full responsibility for them. I apologize I know it seems careless, but I'm all about forward momentum. Sometimes I'm writing up until 1AM and just want to get it posted. I may go back and edit them but the system is a pain so it may have to wait until I have more patience.

All right…if you really really want a response and feel like I'm ignoring you put **please respond** on your review and I'll do my best. I don't want to get to heady at the beginning of the chapters but I want things to be clear 

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Harry had left Dumbledore's office with no anger but his mind was working overtime. He imagined Severus would accept the offer of being a spy, and it made him sick. He thought about his rash words to Dumbledore, and tried to imagine what his next move should be. The Order would have an easier time recruiting people with Dumbledore at its head, while Harry would be fighting the battle nearly on his own. He wasn't sure even his own friends would see the sense in working against the most powerful wizard of the time, at least not without some explanation and he was not prepared to offer it just yet.

It was becoming clear to Harry, that while Dumbledore was wise, the mistakes he made during the first war had tempered him some. There were major differences in Dumbledore of this time and the man Harry knew. This Dumbledore was in the early stages of a war he had not yet learned to fight, this Dumbledore did not see the scope of damage a single soul could cause.

Harry could do nothing but wait it out for the moment. Dumbledore would call for him, he knew the man well enough to see that, and Harry would not make the first move. He had seen too many times where shades of grey had crossed over into the light side of the war, he would not see it again. The cost was too great and the benefit was never enough.

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It was late on a Saturday morning, following the full moon, most of the students were down in Hogsmeade but Harry had no interest in venturing out. Harry had been up all night staring at his window down at the Shrieking Shack. He had watched the Stag and the Dog rush their way down there and smiled. Remus had told him months ago about the Animingus transformation and Harry had acted greatly surprised.

It was still chilly although it was nearly April and there was a damp coolness that came from the stonewalls. He made his way to the hospital wing and felt a strange nervousness bubbling up inside of him. He and Remus had been strangely distant and it was driving Harry mad. He had attempted to talk to his friend only to see Remus rush off for something or other. He felt a little guilty knowing he was cornering the boy now, when he was weak, but he simply couldn't allow this to go on any longer.

He opened the door to the hospital wing and waved at Madam Pomfrey. She smiled hugely back at him and gave a nod and wave in the general direction of where Remus was. Harry approached and could hear Remus' raspy tone and the bouncing laughter that could only belong to Alex.

As he came around the curtain he caught Remus mid-sentence-

"—and then I popped out from the closet and got that shot off. Look at his face…" Remus stopped when he noticed Harry was there, "Harry…" there was a touch of a smile on his face still.

"Hey Rem. Lil bro. What you got there?" Harry asked looking over Alex's shoulder and seeing he held the scrapbook Harry and Remus had put together. "Ah, blackmail is it then?"

Alex just giggled.

"I bet ol' Remy skipped right over this one…" Harry flipped through a couple of pages before finding the picture of Remus running down the hall clutching at the towel around his waist, Alex erupted in hysterical laughter and Harry winked at Remus who made a dramatic pouting face. "Alls fair, my friend."

Harry took a seat in the chair next to Remus' bed, which Alex had most likely been in until he climbed up to sit on the bed with Remus.

"You look all right," Harry said noting that besides the circles under his eyes and his pale skin there didn't seem to be much more damage to Remus.

"Yeah. Feel all right too."

"That's good to hear." Harry smiled and then turned to Alex.

'What are you up to today, bud?"

Alex looked up from the pictures, "I have a study group for Potions at one o'clock. That's all"

Harry ruffled the boy's hair and titled his head, "And what time exactly do you think it is right now?"

The boy's brow furrowed for a moment and then his eyes opened wide, "What time is it?!"

"About ten after one." Harry said and laughed as the boy jumped up.

"I'm sorry, Remus, I gotta go." Harry smiled as the boy leaned over and hugged Remus. "Feel better! Thanks for showing me the pictures."

Alex came over and hugged Harry briefly, "Can we hang out later maybe after study?"

"Sure, kiddo. I'll come round the library in an hour or so, sound good?" Alex nodded and then hurried out of the room.

With Alex's happy glow gone, Harry and Remus found themselves left with a strangely unfamiliar tension. Harry tapped his fingers on the nightstand next to Remus' bed and looked at the ground. He could feel his friend's eyes on him but he didn't want Remus to see the insecurity in his eyes.

"James was saying he think Gryffindor is a shoe-in for the Quidditch Cup." Harry said absently.

Remus laughed, "James is always saying that."

Harry nodded.

Remus sighed, "Harry…"

Harry looked up at him finally and was filled with a great comfort at the soft look in his eyes.

"I don't blame you for it," Harry rushed out.

Remus smiled, "You've been talking to James a lot, apparently." He raised and eyebrow at him and Harry smiled a little. "It isn't only that, Harry. I know you made your own choices and Sirius is to blame for his. I was angry with you too. Not for the reasons Sirius was, but because that night when you came back…you were hurt beyond anything I'd seen you show. And I…I was angry at you for putting yourself right back in the line of fire…if that makes sense."

"It does." Harry said, "But I…"

Remus raised his hand and gave his head a little shake. "You don't have to explain it, I've seen the way the two of you are…I know you didn't jump back into his bed. And I'm not angry anymore. I guess, after a while…I didn't know what to say to make it right."

Harry nodded and slid from the chair to sit next to Remus on the bed.

"I've missed you."

"I've missed you too." Remus said.

Harry let out a great sigh, "Well, now that that is sorted. There's something I need to talk to you about."

Remus laughed. "All right, I suppose, lets hear it."

"It's about Alex, has he told you about the situation with the Ministry?" Harry asked and Remus nodded, "Well, they're planning on putting him in an orphanage."

Remus bit his lip and closed his eyes, "He has no one else?"

"He has _us_." Harry said. Remus opened his eyes and stared at Harry for a long time.

"Harry…" The boy started to say, and Harry knew where that tone of voice would take them.

"I want to petition the Ministry for guardianship, there is apparently a long process for it, but we've still got three months of school left, I imagine that'll be plenty enough time." Harry said, he didn't stop talking long enough for Remus to get in a word, "We've got enough space in the house, and I've got enough money to take care of his grandchildren's grandchildren, so we need to--."

"Harry. If this is really what you want…I support you. But I'll have to leave." Remus said.

Harry shook his head at his friend, gathering his frustration to him and letting none of it show.

"No." Harry tried to force all of his emotions out in that one word and he saw Remus take a deep breath at it.

"Harry…you'll never win, like this," Remus gave a wave between the two of them. "You don't understand the Ministry….the way they are with this sort of thing."

"I don't care." Harry said. "There is a way. We'll fight and we will not lose. I'm tired of losing."

"Harry…" Remus suddenly looked so much older than he was, and Harry saw a glimmer of the man he used to know.

"No, Remus. Unless you tell me right now you don't think I should fight for Alex, that's what I'm doing." Harry said.

"Oh Harry, you know I can't do that." Remus leaned his head back against the pillows heavily.

Harry ruffled his hair with a smirk, "Good. That's sorted too. I'm having a very productive day so far."

Remus laughed and Harry relished the sound of it. They stayed for a while just chatting and eventually looking through the album for a bit. Madam Pomfrey finally came in and shooed Harry out, very gently.

____________________________________________________________________________

Harry was wandering the halls considering going up to the Room of Requirement for a bit before dinner, when he turned a corner and found himself faced with Severus Snape. Harry cringed a little at the familiar look of contempt on his face.

"Pierson…." Severus drawled with as much malice as the syllables would afford.

Harry leaned up against the wall with what he hoped looked something like casual indifference.

"Severus, fancy meeting you here," He said with a smirk, "Out prowling are we?"

"You are not so amusing as you believe, Pierson." Severus said his cold black eyes drilled into him and Harry could feel the familiar push of the other's mind on his.

"Looking for buried treasure?" Harry asked with a quirk of his eyebrow, Severus smiled although it held less pleasure than satisfaction.

"I hardly believe there's anything worthwhile to be found." Severus quipped and Harry got the impression that he enjoyed having someone to verbally spar with. Harry thought back to Crabbe and Goyle and imagined their parents were much of the same.

"Well, as much as I enjoy our little chats, I really must be heading off." Harry said brightly and patted the boy on the shoulder, laughing as he felt Snape cringe.

Harry had made it only a few steps before Severus caught up with him. They went stride for stride in silence for several minutes.

"What are you playing at with all of this?" Severus said and Harry could tell that it was only the desire for information that kept the bite from the other boy's tone.

"I'm not playing at anything." Harry said, "I act on what I think is right."

"I am quite capable of determining my own _right_. I don't need to see your bloody Gryffindor bravado paraded around in front of me," Severus said.

Harry stopped suddenly and faced the boy. "You are of course, free to make your own choice."

"Dumbledore wanted to think on it more, after you left." Snape hissed. "I had already offered myself to the position. The choice is not mine."

"Point taken." Was all Harry said in response.

"Who are you that you can seemingly give orders to Dumbledore." Snape threw out accusingly.

"Severus, if it is really what you want…I will go back to him and demand he let you serve." Harry said with a shrug, "I only think that choices like this are better made when they are not done out of force, or gratitude. Dumbledore will protect your mother, even if you do not spy for him. You owe him nothing."

"And if I wish to serve him out of respect?" Severus threw out but Harry could sense that the boy didn't really believe his own words.

"Then you _are _a fool." Harry said curtly, "Respect for one man is meaningless. You were friends with Lily Evans, yes?"

"We aren't friends any longer." Severus said coldly.

"Yes, but Lily is the kind that stays with you." Harry smiled a little, "Imagine this, you are spying, out of _respect_, and Lily is brought in…could you torture her to keep your cover? You're a Slytherian…but could you really make the choice between her life and yours?"

Severus was silent but his eyes had widened suddenly.

"_That _is what you would be asked to do." Harry said.

"Why should you care so much about whether I can handle it or not?" His tone showed no emotion.

"Because, Severus," Harry said, "You are no use to me dead."

______________________________________________________________________________

It was late that evening, and all of them were gathered in the library. Lily and Remus had thrown themselves so far into studying that it was nearly driving the others insane. However, even Lily and Remus had their limit and they had reached it about an hour ago. Lily, Sirius, Remus and James sat at a table in the back corner of the library. They were discussing the latest disappearances from Hogwarts and one particularly shocking one. That morning's paper had announced to the school that their former Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher had been murdered in the open street of Diaigon Alley when he was out picking up supplies. The school had drifted back into the same sort of distant shock as when they had first arrived back from the Christmas holiday.

Harry approached them and dropped an armful of books on the table in front of them.

"Whoa, what with all of those books you ought to change your name to Remus and call it a day." Sirius said and ducked the swat from Remus.

"We have to get started." Harry said.

"Started on what?" James asked wearily.

"Alex's case. This is everything I could find about adoption situations with _special _circumstances." Remus snorted and Harry stuck out his tongue. "They're planning on sending him off to the orphanage when school lets out. We've got just about two months."

______________________________________________________________________________

Harry was in the common room taking notes from a book that covered a case where a 'vampire' petitioned for custody of his great, great nephew, after his parents were killed in a car accident, when James approached him and sat down.

"You gotta take a break from it sometime, mate." James said, "You'll burn yourself out."

Harry nodded but didn't look up.

"Harry can I talk to you about something?" James' tone had become serious and it brought Harry out from his focus, he pushed the book away and looked up at his friend.

"Sure, everything all right?"

James smiled and rubbed a hand through his hair.

"It's about the wedding…" James began, "Well, normally there'd be only two standing with us for the ceremony. But Lil…you know she was brought up by muggles and I guess there are usually more than that…something about maids and what other…but anyway…she's got her sister, although why she doesn't leave the annoying wench out I'll never understand…but then she wants Alice and Diana…and I guess it's supposed to be even or some such and I've got Rem and Sirius and they're going to stand but I was just wondering…"

Harry laughed at him and James blushed, "Sure mate, I'd be honored to stand with you."

James sighed, "Sorry I got to rambling, I just…you never know with these things."

Harry nodded, "How's the planning going anyway?"

"Oh, I try and stay out of it for the most." James grinned, "Lily's been sending post back to her mum about it everyday."

_____________________________________________________________________________

It was only a few days later that Harry found himself up late once again, this time in his own bed sitting up with a lumos spell and a book. The other boys were sleeping and there was peacefulness about the room that was very rare. He had just decided to call it a night when the door to the room slammed open. Harry instinctively directed his lit wand and was startled to see Lily illuminated.

"Lil..?" Harry stood and was moving before her. As he got close to her he could hear her breath coming out in rapid spurts and see the tearstains on her face. "Lily…"

But as he spoke her rapid breathing sped up even more and he could tell she was struggling to gain some control over herself with no success. Harry attempted to get closer to her but she backed up. Harry glanced back at the other boys who were still sound asleep. Lily's breathing sounded painful to Harry and he watched as she shook her head violently, her arms were wrapped tightly around herself. Harry moved quickly and pulled her to him. He could here the sobs fighting to break out from her.

"Lily…calm down…please calm down." Harry said softly and gently ran his hands over his head, "What's the matter?"

"I…I…It's…" She could barely get a single word out between her breaths, and Harry pulled away holding her by the shoulders.

"Lily, look at me. Breathe." He said a little more forcefully, "Just breathe."

It took several minutes of Harry breathing a long with her before Lily could calm down enough to speak. Tears still streaming down her face, she looked at him with a vague sort of confusion and pain.

"My parents…" She said and the words settled like a stone in Harry's stomach. "Harry…my parents."

Harry pulled her to him and held her tightly, wishing he could somehow absorb her pain. Her sobs overtook her finally and she cried with a crushing and uncontrollable abandon. Harry held her and saw Remus begin to stir out of the corner of his eye.

"Harry…what…" The lamps in the room came on as Remus climbed out of bed. He took one look at Lily and his eyes filled with concern and fear. Trust Remus to put it all together without hearing a word. Remus came closer to them and Lily looked at him, her eyes red and her entire body trembling. Remus opened his arms and she moved to him and he wrapped her up in his arms.

James and Sirius woke up slowly after the lights came on and stood staring at the scene before them. They looked to Harry and he shook his head.

"Her parents…" But like Lily, he couldn't finish the sentence. James and Sirius stood in shook and Lily's loss enveloped them all.

______________________________________________________________________________

Sirius had gone down to the kitchens and brought back cups of hot chocolate for them all. Lily sat in James' lap quietly sipping from her cup, tears still slid down her face but she had calmed some and began to tell them what had happened.

"McGonagall came and got me about two hours ago," She said her voice hoarse, "She took me to Dumbledore and he said that they had found 'the mark' above the house….they didn't stand a chance…they couldn't have protected themselves…and Petunia…Dumbledore apparated me to her house…but she wouldn't…wouldn't even open the door…she yelled that it was all my fault…and…if I had been there…"

"No, Lily." Harry said softly taking her hand in his. "Your parents wouldn't have wanted you to…you would probably have died too."

She let out a shaky sigh. She glanced around at the boys, "It was Peter….he was there…"

"What?" Sirius was the first to ask the question.

"The police…they said someone saw him leaving the house…just after…they got a picture of him you know…had an artist draw one based on what the man saw…Dumbledore showed me…it was Peter…"

The room was silent except for the occasional hiccup from Lily. Finally, James told Lily she needed some rest and they disappeared behind his curtains only hearing the occasional murmured word from James.

The rest of them went to bed and not long after it he heard his curtains pushed aside and felt the bed dip. Sirius and he hadn't slept in the same bed for over a month, but Harry didn't protest. Sirius slid close and wrapped his arms around Harry.

They lay quietly and Harry's anger was tempered as he listened to Sirius' breathing. He felt an incredible amount of guilt as well, he didn't know how his grandparents had died in his time…but he felt that somehow…his being here had caused this. And he thought about Dumbledore's idea of the greater good, but it didn't comfort him any. All he could think of was the look on Lily's face, the pain she was in. Harry knew he had to step up and end this, he had to stop waiting for something worse to happen.

"I'm going to kill Peter Pettigrew." Harry's said into the darkness and he felt Sirius squeeze him gently and kiss his neck.

"We will all stand with you."

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Alright, you wonderful reviewers. I procrastinated because I love you all so! REVIEW! Snape's decision is coming…can't you just feel it?


	19. The Selfish, Defiant, Pursuit of Hope

AN: So, it turns out I'm hopelessly addicted to writing this story. I did manage to get all of my homework done though. So…we're off again:

Notes-

**General:**

_Petunia- _Yes! This was one of my reasons for having Lily's parents die by DE's because I don't think that her being a 'freak' was enough reason for Petunia to be so utterly nasty to Harry. There had to be more to it.

_Horcruxes:_ Harry will be going after the Horcruxes soon enough. He's going to have to 'math' it out to figure out how many exist and where they would be at this time…

**Personal:**

_RRW- _This is an idea I've been tossing about for awhile, Harry going 'rogue' in some fashion. I like your idea of having the DE's marks shown…I may just steal it, kind of like a calling card.

_Raion-_ So you know, I love your reviews, and your rambling so please don't feel embarrassed. Your reviews make my day every time. Back to Severus and the letter, I say only this: Snape is smart, very smart…don't you think he knew exactly to whom Harry was taking the letter? Remember he had no idea that Harry would be able to help him…where as Dumbledore would. Regarding Dumbledore's mistakes- What I was getting at was that the Future Dumbledore was more tempered than Past Dumbledore because he had been fighting this war for 20 years. All of his choices were calculated and carefully planned, not so during the first war with Voldemort.

Also, quick question…are you guys seeing my story on the main page? I can never seem to locate it unless I search for it…

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Dumbledore had offered Lily some time away from school; McGonagall had tried to convince her to go. But Lily hadn't wanted to return to the house where her parents were murdered, and she had nowhere else to go. Both the headmaster and their head of house had looked the other way when Lily had taken up residence in the boys' dorm. And there wasn't a student in Gryffindor who complained.

Lily was not the first student to have her family attacked by the Death Eaters, nor was she the only one left orphaned. But she was popular, and because of this her pain and loss had become a sort of spectacle. The other students gave her a wide berth and the Professors all talked to her in quiet, soothing tones as if they expected her to breakdown at any moment.

She appeared calm and strong to the outside world, it was only the boys who heard her cry at night. She threw herself into school with a fervor that made even Remus' efforts seem like laziness. Without planning it, or really being aware of it Harry, Remus, Sirius, James and even little Alex had made sure that she was alone only when she asked to be. They walked her to class, and sat with her while she studied. It was if they had created a protective shield around her with their love and friendship.

Beyond her obsessive studying, Lily had thrown herself headlong into Alex's cause. She spent hours researching and taking notes and it was she who found their loophole. She had found a law that was nearly as old as Dumbledore himself, which barred the Ministry from denying magical creatures from having children, and a case that used this law to win a custody battle for a man had been bitten after his children were born. When the first hearing had come, it was Lily who stood up with Harry and accused the panel of Ministry officials of disregarding their own precedence. She had argued Harry's cause with a vehemence that spoke of her own pain, she told the Ministry that in the previous case they had allowed the child to remain with his father so long as the measures taken to protect the girl were examined ever six months, and the father remained capable of providing a stable home. She told the Ministry she knew what it felt like to lose her parents and that she couldn't imagine being Alex, who was so young and asked the panel how they could even consider taking away the only chance Alex had of having a family.

The panel had been split evenly after Lily's explosive argument. They had agreed to review the research Lily had provided, and Harry had agreed to allow them have someone out to the house to inspect the cellar. They set the final hearing for June 3, two days after they would graduate from Hogwarts.

Harry hadn't brought the hearing up to Alex because he didn't want to get the boy's hopes up, but Lily encouraged him that there was a good chance they would win, and convinced him it would do Alex good to know that someone was fight for him. He had spoken with Remus who was still nervous about the situation and told his friend he would have to tell Alex about his lycanthropy. Remus had argued half-heartedly, insisted he would move, out and finally gave in.

So now they sat in the back of the Muggle Section of the library. Alex in his favorite squishy chair and Remus sitting on a stool he had pulled over, Harry stood leaning against a bookcase. Alex looked at them tentatively biting his lip.

"Am I in trouble?" Alex asked and his pale blue eyes darted back and forth between Remus and Harry.

Harry smiled, "No, bud. There's just something we've got to talk to you about."

"Oh, okay." Harry laughed a little as he watched the boy bounce back from a nervous confusion to the comfortable happiness that was more often his norm.

"I wanted to tell you, that I've petitioned the Ministry to be your guardian." Harry said watching the boy's reaction carefully.

"Really?" Alex reminded him of Remus just then, caught in that place of wanting something so desperately and being afraid to hope.

"Really," Harry said and he knelt down in front of the boy. "They aren't real keen on it just now, but I'm fighting for it and Lily's helping me."

"You can't lose if you've got Lily on your side." Alex said with a wide grin, "She's the smartest witch ever and nobody wants to cross her, even _Sirius _is afraid to."

Remus gave a snort and Harry shook his head. "Sirius isn't as tough as you'd think." Harry said.

" 'Specially when you aren't around to protect him," Alex said and Harry saw the ramble coming before it happened, "you know, the other day Sirius told Lily he was glad that he liked boys because girls were 'damn crazy' and she was about to hex him, and he yelled that he was going to tell on her to you…"

Harry was about to interrupt the boy so they could finish their conversation, but Remus seemingly happy to have a distraction pushed him on.

"What did Lily do?" Remus asked and gave Harry a guilty shrug.

"Oh she hexed him of course." Alex said, "Lily isn't afraid of Harry."

Harry laughed, "I'm a bit afraid of her."

"I'm not!" Alex said proudly.

"That's only because you're her favorite." Remus put in with a short laugh.

"All right, all right. I don't know how things will turn out, but the next hearing is at the end of the year, and you'll have to be there." Harry said and Alex nodded, "They're going to ask you some questions about me and about Remus."

"Remus?" Alex said glancing at the other boy.

"You remember that I told you Remus and I share a house in London?" Harry asked, "That's where you'd be living."

"Oh! That's wicked." Alex smiled happily. "They'll just ask me if I like you well enough then?"

"Well, there's a bit more to it than that." Harry shot a look at Remus and the boy sighed.

"Alex, there's something about me…" Remus said before falling silent and running his hands through his hair. "I'm…"

"Are you sick?" Alex asked with a concerned look on his face.

"Well…kind of…" Remus looked to Harry with a look that was a plea for help. Harry just tilted his head toward the small boy. "I'm a werewolf."

Alex's eyes got wide and he stared at Remus unblinking for several minutes.

"Whoa." Alex's voice held a tone of awed surprise.

They sat in silence for a moment longer before Alex cocked his head to the side and looked at Remus again as if trying to make it fit.

"Really?" Harry wanted to laugh but he knew Remus would likely kill him if he did, he managed to muffle it in his sleeve and caught the glare Remus sent him. _Damn._

"Yes, really. Alex, if you're scared or you don't feel comfortable, I'll understand." Harry could hear Remus distancing himself with the words.

"I'm not scared, but…" Alex said with furrowed brows, "You don't _look_ like a werewolf. I mean me an Adam Terry found a Defense book in the common room once that was one of the seventh years and we looked at the pictures, and the werewolves in the books all looked so _mean_, and you're like the nicest person in the whole world, and…I've never _met _a werewolf before, well I guess I have, but I didn't know it and you're not mean at all, and I there's no way you'd eat me. You're such a picky eater anyway…but it's kind of cool, kind of like your secret identity right? But I bet it's not as fun as being a superhero, or anything…."

Harry laughed and Remus looked positively uncomfortable, Harry raised his hand to stop Alex before he got into full-blown ramble mode, "All right, All right. What you have to understand, bud, is that the Ministry and a lot of other people aren't very nice about werewolves. So, it's going to be a fight to let you stay with us."

"But you've got Lily right?" Alex said.

"Right. We've got Lily," Harry said, "But…"

"And they'll meet Remus right?" Alex put in.

"Yes, but…" Harry started again.

"So they'll know how nice he is?" Alex asked.

"Of course, but…"

"Well, then it'll be okay." Alex said jumping up. "Now they can't say they 'don't know what to do with me'!"

Harry sighed and let Alex hug him, and gave Remus a sympathetic smile.

They left the library and Alex asked Remus about forty questions without taking a breath, Harry had to explain to him that it was a secret and he couldn't tell anyone, not even Adam Terry. As they made their way to the common room Harry saw Remus relax a little and smile at Alex's happy energy which seemed to grow and spill out around them. They were almost to the Great Hall when Alex stopped suddenly and burst into laughter.

"Oh jeez. I get it…" Alex shook his head as the two boys stared at him in confusion, "MOON-y. I bet Sirius made that up, huh? Can I tell him that I know what it means?"

Harry laughed and nodded.

"Can I tell him it's because he made up that nickname that I found out?" Alex asked and a mischievous sparkle appeared in his eyes as he looked to Remus for permission, Remus nodded with a ghost of a smile on his face. "Wicked."

And with his prank given the go ahead, Alex took off running toward the Great Hall and his prey. Harry threw an arm around Remus' shoulder.

"Well, at least he doesn't think you'll eat him." Harry said with a smirk and ducked expertly as Remus lifted a hand to smack the back of his head.

______________________________________________________________________________

After dinner that night, Remus had allowed a white-faced and shocked Sirius to apologize all the way to Gryffindor tower before he could no longer hold in his laughter. When Remus admitted that he had told Alex it had resulted in a grand wrestling match, which Remus let Sirius win.

______________________________________________________________________________

The next morning, Lily had asked him if he'd do her a favor and Harry had readily agreed. She said she'd tell him more about it after dinner if he would meet her in the hall. She was strange all day, detached and quiet. Even Alex's bouncy energy didn't spark the usual smile.

She was withdrawn in classes and James was frantic with his inability to make her world good again. Sirius, thankfully, had steered James away from her several times before he could do anything that would make things worse.

Harry walked silently with her along the corridor, he didn't ask her any questions he just followed where she led. He had the feeling that this was something delicate and he was still trying to work out why he was with her instead of James. But he went. And he was surprised to find Dumbledore standing in the center of the foyer, waiting for them.

"Miss Evans. I'm glad you're to have someone go with you." The old man said with a quiet sadness in his eyes. "Here you are." And he handed Lily a small stuffed rabbit.

Lily nodded and took the rabbit before turning and offering it to Harry. Harry was confused until his hand touched the rabbit and he felt a sudden jerk behind his naval.

The next thing that he knew he was standing outside a pretty, little house on a quiet street. The house was dark, there was no fence and the yard was unkempt. Harry looked at Lily who was gripping the rabbit in her hands so tightly her knuckles were white. He glanced at her closed eyes and the tear on her cheek and back to the house.

"Oh Lil…" He said quietly and pulled her into a hug. She let him hold her for a minute before taking a breath and pulling away, she began to walk to the house but before she got too far Harry reached out and took her hand. She looked back at him, red hair blowing in the wind, tears on her cheeks and her emerald eyes filled with pain. Harry gripped her hand tightly and they walked to the house together.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Lily flipped a switch on the wall when they walked in and Harry heart broke for this woman, his friend, his _mother_. The house had been cleaned of almost everything in it, what furniture was left was covered in white sheets. Harry let Lily go on ahead of him and watched as she ran her fingers along the walls. She made her way up the stairs, and Harry followed quietly behind her. She turned to her left and flipped on another light. The bedroom was untouched, and so very Lily. It wasn't girly, but classy and clean with books lining shelves that had been built into the walls. Lily pulled a small trunk out of her pocket and enlarged it again. It took them about twenty minutes to pack up everything that was left in the room. Harry picked up a picture off of the dresser and found himself faced with an unmoving smiling picture of Lily, her mother and father, and Petunia, and Harry drank in the image of his grandparents. Lily looked just like her mother, while Petunia seemed to take after their father who was a gangly man who had a warm smile. He set the photo in the trunk and Lily put in the last of her clothes before closing it.

Lily shrunk the trunk back down and returned it to her pocket before the headed out of the room and down the hallway. She paused a moment before opening the door. The room, like the rest of the house, had been emptied. Lily made her way to the closet without once glancing at the rest of the room. She opened the door and pulled out a long white dress wrapped in plastic. And Harry understood, _this _is why she came, _this _is why James wasn't here.

Lily still didn't speak as she wandered around the house clutching the dress to her like a lifeline, and Harry could almost see the memories flashing across her eyes. She stood in the doorway of what must have been her father's study for a few moments before closing the door and turning away. She avoided the door at the end of the hall across from hers as they made their way back down the stairs.

Harry followed her as she went to stand in the center of the kitchen and looked around before she went to the icebox and opened the door. It was empty but for a bottle of wine which Lily pulled out. Harry saw the sad smile on her face and for the first time since they'd entered the house Lily met his eyes. She held the bottle out to him and he took it. The label read, _Lillian_.

Harry looked back up at Lily. When she spoke her voice was soft and heavy with unshed tears, "My dad, he found it somewhere in America when he went for a business trip just before I started Hogwarts. He was keeping it until I graduated." She sighed and gave a smile. "He was always so taken by things like that, he would say… "What are the chances?""

She took the bottle back from him and set it on the kitchen counter. She pulled out her wand and pointed it at the bottle, the cork flew out and then floated gently down to the counter. She laid the dress over a chair and took the bottle of wine.

"Come on," She said and Harry followed her out of the room. She went into the living room and pulled the sheets off of the couch before sitting down on it. Harry sat down next to her, not really sure if he should say anything. He bit his lip and watched as Lily took a great, deep drink from the bottle and handed it to Harry. Harry took a drink and the wine was sweet and cold.

"Petunia, she took everything. Cleaned it all up. She's selling the house." Lily said. "The will my parents left…said that if we neither of us wanted to live in it…it had to be sold and the money split."

Harry nodded and handed the bottle back to her. She took another drink and looked around the house.

"Its only going to get worse you know?" She said, "This war, and here James and are I trying to start…a life…a family."

Harry took the bottle when she offered, "You know Lil, that's the only hope we have. New life, new families. New hope." He took another drink.

"Yes. To replace what we've lost." She said sadly.

"And to honor it."

The passed the bottle between them in silence for a while, Lily seemed to be making her peace and Harry stayed silent. Lily's eyes were getting that glassy glaze and Harry felt his cheeks start to flush with the heat of the drink.

"You know, Harry, I knew you were the right person for this." She said with a tiny smile. "James couldn't come because of the dress, and Sirius is…well Sirius…so it was down to you or Remus and something just _told _me to take you."

"I'm always here if you need me, you know." Harry said as he set the empty bottle on the floor by the couch.

"I know. I know." She said and leaned her head against his shoulder. "Everybody's been talking about you, ever since the shield. You're going to fight him aren't you?"

"Yes." Harry said and his voice felt heavy.

"Can I fight with you?" She asked breathily.

"Yes." He felt Lily let out a breath.

"James wants to keep me safe, he'll want me to stay out of it." Lily said but there was no anger in her voice. "But I can't just…let them…"

"Win." Harry put in as Lily trailed off.

"Right."

______________________________________________________________________________

They returned to the school and Harry had walked with Lily to McGonagall's quarters where she'd handed her the dress. The stern Professor had taken it as though it were made of glass and pulled Lily to her and kissed her head. Harry didn't know how to react to this, so he turned away. When they had gotten back to the dorm Lily had climbed into bed with James and Harry had stood staring at where Sirius slept. Harry had noticed that Sirius still slept on the far left of his bed, as if he was leaving the space on the right there just in case Harry decided to join him. And at that moment, there was nothing in the world that seemed more inviting and more right. Sirius didn't wake up as Harry snuggled down into the covers and close to the boy. Harry closed his eyes and tried to forget the pain he'd seen in Lily's eyes just outside her parent's house. He drifted off to sleep with the sound of Lily and James whispering and Sirius' heartbeat.

______________________________________________________________________________

Dumbledore had taken to teaching the Defense Against the Dark Arts position with Kingsley filling in where they could. The days seemed to pass slowly but the weeks moved quickly and before any of them knew it, it was late in May and they were sitting for their NEWTs. Their seventh year class had dwindled down to nearly a quarter of what it was. The headlines were getting darker and more gruesome and the pull of the war had Harry on edge. He spent most of his free time in the Room of Requirement, occasionally Sirius would tagalong and they would leave sweaty, exhausted and fall into bed together. They hadn't kissed or anything other than sleep with each other, but the physical comfort they had once shared was slowly regaining its ground.

The ball that was held at the end of the year was a muted affair, the staff was tense, and students were quiet. They stood in groups and talked amongst themselves. There was little dancing, and even less celebration. Even James and Sirius couldn't seem to pull themselves out of quiet dread.

The night before they left Hogwarts for good, the five of them sat around the fire in the common room quietly. Lily and James cuddling in one of the large chairs, Harry sat with Sirius' head in his lap and one arm around Remus' shoulders. They were startled when they heard a voice behind them.

"The Headmaster would like to see the five of you in his office." Professor McGonagall said softly and the five friends turned to look at her. "Come on, follow me."

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When they reached Dumbledore's office they found that Alice, Frank, and Severus were already there. Dumbledore motioned for them all to sit and came around to the front of his desk.

"As you all know," Dumbledore's tone was serious and the twinkle was gone from his eyes, "We are on the brink of war. I have brought you all here with the hopes that you will join the side of light, and fight with us to make sure that we do not lose all that is dear to us."

All of the heads in the room turned to Lily who looked down at the ground.

"James, Alice, Sirius and Frank. I have just heard back from the Ministry that you have been accepted in to the Aurors. I give you my congratulations. Lily, you have been accepted into the healer program at St. Mungos. Severus, you have been accepted to study with the Potions Masters of London. And Remus you the Magical Institute has accepted your application to intern in their spell research department. All of you with your talent, intelligence and allegiance to the light has brought you to my attention." Dumbledore said.

Harry saw James and Sirius look from Dumbledore to Severus and then to Harry who shook his head. They settled back in their seats with confusion written across their faces.

"What about Harry?" Sirius asked.

"Harry…" Dumbledore looked to him and Harry gave him a nod, "Harry comes to us with a great experience of fighting the kind of battles we face. He will be working with me and others to develop a course of action. He chose not to go into the Aurors, and I have agreed to take him on here at Hogwarts as an Assistant to the Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts, once I have found a replacement."

They all stared at Harry for a moment before Dumbledore spoke again.

"I am asking you to join me in this fight, but it is your choice," Dumbledore said as he leaned against his desk.

Surprisingly, to everyone but Harry, Lily was the first to stand. "I will."

James looked at her like he wanted to argue but instead he stood and took her hand, "I will also."

Sirius stood with a dark grin on his face, "I'm there."

Remus stood, "I will."

Frank took Alice's hand and they stood together, "I will", "I will"

Harry stood and nodded to Dumbledore. Everyone turned to Severus who remained seated. Finally, he stood.

"I, as well."

"The first meeting will be two weeks from today," Dumbledore said, "You will receive notification of the meeting place."

The students filed out and Harry could feel a renewed sense of purpose developing between them.

Harry watched them go and Remus sent Harry a questioning glance but Harry only waved his friend on. He turned to Dumbledore.

"Severus fought me about it," Dumbledore said, "I daresay your adamant objection made him want to do it more."

"I'm sure." Harry said. "And why did you not allow him?"

"I read his thoughts." Dumbledore said, "And you are right, he would not survive. Miss Evans alone is too great a weakness for him."

Harry nodded and turned to leave but Dumbledore's voice stopped him.

"I have never understood," Dumbledore said as he looked at Harry, "Why it is that the young are always willing to fight the wars of the old."

"It is not a selfless act," Harry said meeting the old man's eyes, "It is a selfish, defiant, pursuit of hope."

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AN: I rewrote this chapter three times…THOUGHTS? I really wanted to get them out of school. I felt like the momentum was slowing down. PLEASE REVIEW!!!


	20. Silence Speaks Loudest

AN: It's past 2AM, so I'm going to catch up on notes next chapter. Wanted to get this out to you! Thanks for your wonderful reviews! Please continue with them, they are the greatest encouragement ever and oftentimes spur inspiration!

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Harry sat on the front steps of his and Remus' house, they had all arrived the day before and the house was full of a strangely vibrant energy. Even Lily, at this moment, was laughing and playing drinking games with the three boys. Harry lit a cigarette with his wand and watched as a muggle couple made their way down the street laughing and stumbling. He smoked and stared after them as they disappeared around the corner at the end of the street.

It was barely June now, but the weather was still damp and chill. There was a wetness to the streets that didn't splash but made everything seem muted somehow. Harry rolled his neck on his shoulders trying to loosen some of the tightness there, but found only slight relief. He was no longer a student at Hogwarts, and he found that to be a startling concept. Even when he, Ron and Hermione had wandered across the country in their strange search for Horcruxes, it had somehow always felt as though Hogwarts was home base, the place to return to.

The threat of war loomed on the periphery of every thought he had and he felt the weight of his task falling around him like heavy rain. For a few precious months, he had felt as if this all had gone away. What a beautiful fairytale Albus Dumbledore had tried to create for his students. And Harry was caught between startled appreciation and cynical disapproval when he thought about it.

Tomorrow, they would all go to the Ministry for the final hearing on Alex's guardianship and Harry tried not to let himself hope. Lily had been telling him that there was no possible way the outcome could be anything but good, but Harry knew that there was always away for disappointment to seep in through the tiniest of cracks.

Harry shook his head and took another drag off his cigarette. He heard the door open and close behind him and was not surprised when Sirius took the cigarette from his hand. Harry looked over and watched the boy take a quick inhale and settle himself on the steps next to Harry. Sirius was beautiful, his grey eyes somewhat hidden behind his long wavy hair. He had a grace to him, even when he was still and confidence seemed to hang in the air around him.

"Lily Evans is positively drunk." He said, his voice slow and deep. Harry didn't respond but instead took the cigarette and took another drag, returning his eyes to the street.

"They're missing you in there." Sirius continued tilting his head toward the door.

Harry nodded a little, ignoring the question in Sirius' tone. He wasn't in the mood for the boy's subtle attempts at information gathering. He took a last drag and threw the cigarette to the street where it bounced and threw sparks before going out. He closed his eyes and let the cool night air wrap around him. There were singular moments in his life where he felt entirely alone, and here sitting on the stairs outside a house full of friends, with the only person who'd seen all of his scars, he felt alone.

"Is it over then?" Sirius' voice was quiet but strong and unemotional.

Harry looked at him and for the first time saw the distant pain in the grey eyes.

"What?" Was all he said, and even to his own ears his voice sounded dull.

Sirius waved his hand between them, "This."

Harry didn't want to have this conversation, not now, not ever. He didn't know the answers and he didn't want to imagine what they could be.

"I know that what I did was wrong," Sirius said, "I'm not foolish enough to think that you would grant me pardon."

Harry looked away from him, it was times like this when Sirius' aristocratic upbringing came out in him, and it made his language heightened and his tone cool and distant.

"Maybe you can't forgive me." Sirius stood but Harry didn't look at him. "Or maybe you don't want to."

Harry felt an impulsive anger welling up inside of him, but he held his breath and pretended it wasn't there.

"You didn't walk away from me then," Harry heard Sirius sigh as he paused, "I'm no saint. And I know I'm not the easiest person to love. But you chose to stay, and you're in my bed and you touch me…and I don't know how to respond. I don't know how much is too much to ask for. So I don't ask for anything at all."

Harry looked up at the sky and felt the smallest of raindrops sprinkle down on his face. He was hearing Sirius, he knew that the conversation was important and yet, it was as if he was watching this all happen from a distance. Watching Sirius gradually unravel his pain and frustration, watching himself pretend not to care.

"If you can't forgive me, or if you don't want to…I wouldn't blame you for it." Sirius said slowly, "But I can't keep thinking about a future that doesn't exist."

Sirius had raised his voice and his words echoed off the stone buildings and down a long the empty street. Harry kept his eyes closed and imagined how Sirius would look at this moment, the rain was drizzling, and his hair would have a watery sheen on it, he would be pushing a hand back through it to get it out of his eyes. There would be a mix of apologetic guilt and self-righteous desire in his eyes, when he got emotional they seemed to darken, making the silvery grey into something more forceful and intense. He heard the soft scuff of Sirius' boots as he made his way back to the door, when he didn't hear it open he turned to find Remus standing in the doorway and Sirius' back disappearing into the house. Remus pulled the door shut behind him and moved forward but didn't sit.

"I know you have already forgiven him," Remus spoke and Harry closed his eyes again, "The question is, 'why doesn't he?'"

Harry didn't move, he itched to light another cigarette but didn't.

"It has been said, Harry, that there are times when silence has the loudest voice," Remus' words seemed to reach out and touch him and he felt himself being drawn back into reality, "I wonder, if your silence is saying what you mean it to."

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At nine-thirty Harry stood between Remus and Lily outside the Ministry. They were scheduled to appear before the panel at ten. Sirius had not come down from Remus' room that morning and when James had gone up to fetch him, he had not returned either. So, they had left and came to the Ministry. Lily insisted that they wouldn't miss this, and Remus had looked at Harry that made his friends words from the night before repeat in his mind.

They were entered the Ministry and registered their wands and received visitor's badges. They were directed where to go and made their way down the corridor toward the courtroom. As the approached the door, Lily took Harry's hand and he looked down at her, she didn't say anything but there was a strength in her eyes that kept Harry's feet moving forward.

Alex was to be interviewed by the panel this morning, and there would be no arguments today. The head of the panel would speak to their reasoning, and they would render their decision. Harry felt an overwhelming amount of helplessness, he was not good at inactivity, and he was not good at simply being told the answer.

It was three minutes to ten, according to his watch, when James and Sirius came flying down the hall toward them. James skidded to a halt a few feet from where they stood and Sirius stopped just behind him, James motioned for Lily to come over and she gave Harry's hand a little squeeze before letting go and making her way to them. Harry watched them as James spoke quietly to Lily, who glanced at Sirius and then to Harry. Lily seemed to go through a myriad of emotions, from confusion to, understanding, to frustration, and impatience. She was speaking to Sirius now and Harry could hear the demanding tone of her voice but not the words, she motioned to Sirius who seemed reluctant to even look at her before he finally brought a bandaged hand from behind his back and offered it to her. The bandages were hasty, and the red of the blood seeping through them was a stark contrast to the white of the cloth. Lily began to unravel them and Harry looked away. He looked at Remus to find his friend was already watching him.

Remus was about to speak when the door to the courtroom opened and a disgustingly familiar voice spoke to them, "The Panel is ready if you will all take your, seats hurry along now, no dawdling."

Harry didn't move for a moment, he took in the short woman, who was still plump and wore a bright pink bow in her hair. Harry felt his jaw clench and his fists tighten and glared at the woman who didn't seem to notice him at all. He felt Remus' hand on his arm and he took a deep breath before stepping forward without looking at the woman again.

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The room was different than the one, Harry and Lily had first been to. It was larger and seemed more formal. There were two tables set out in front of the raised platform where the panel sat. Behind the tables were rows of chairs. Alex sat with a mousy looking man at the table on the right, and Harry looked up to the panel as he made his way down the center aisle. The head of the panel, Garret Pruce, Harry recalled motioned for him to sit at the empty table. Harry walked forward and sat down in one of the chairs. He glanced back and saw Remus and James sit in the first row of chairs behind him. Lily was walking with Sirius and seemed to be lecturing him, when they approached Sirius slouched down into the chair next to James and Lily came to sit next to Harry.

Harry watched Delores Umbridge make her way to the seat behind Alex and a cold fury rose up in Harry's throat.

"This panel resumes." Pruce said in a deep baritone that rang out through the room, "Regarding the guardianship of Alexander Timothy Rettner. The panel recognizes Thomas Dodd, representative for the minor, and Harry Pierson, petitioner, as well as his support Lillian Evans."

Delores Umbridge tapped her foot and the sound resonated causing Pruce to look in her direction, but he continued.

"The panel has reviewed the information presented by Lillian Evans and has found precedence to be applicable. The panel has also reviewed, the financial standing of the petitioner and found reliable assets. We have found, through a personal interview with the petitioner, the minor, and the written letters of character from notable members of this community, that there exists appropriate intention and motivation on behalf of the petitioner."

Lily looked at Harry with a great smile.

"The panel, has also investigated the precautions taken in regard to the status of Remus Lupin, and has tested these facilities and found them to negate the concerns of danger to the minor--."

Harry heard a whispered 'yes!' from behind him and he allowed himself a great hope.

From the right side of the room there came a delicate _hem, hem_. That caused the hair on the back of Harry's neck to rise.

Pruce once again turned his attention to the small woman. "The panel recognizes the presence of Delores Umbridge, junior officer of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. Did you have a question, Delores?"

Umbridge stood and smoothed down the front of her frilly skirt. He heard James whisper, "What the hell?" under his breath. Harry stared at the woman with cold eyes.

"Yes, Mr. Pruce. I only wished to provide myself to the panel as a reference regarding the regulations that are currently being drafted regarding situations such as this." Her girlish voice was grating and only Lily's hand his kept him grounded.

"Delores, this panel is aware of all regulations currently related to this case." Puce's tone was curt, and Harry was unsure if it was the woman's interruption or her presumption that caused the slightly annoyed set to the man's jaw.

"Of course, Mr. Puce, I only meant that legislation we are drafting should be taken in to consideration, as the decision here could damage their reception." Harry's eyes narrowed as the woman titled her head to the side with a strangely expectant look on her face. Mr. Puce sat tapped his fingers on his desk.

"And how close is this legislation to being effected?" The careful tone in which he spoke made Harry's heart drop.

"In the final stages, sir." The woman replied with a happy lilt.

Harry sat forward, ready to scream in outrage but another voice spoke up from behind Puce.

"Sir, if I may?" A woman with a crisp clear voice stood from within the panel.

"The panel recognizes Amelia Bones." Puce said and looked expectantly at the woman.

"I do believe, Ms. Umbridge is inappropriately suggesting that we enforce law which has yet to be made." Umbridge's face became slightly pink at the woman's words.

Puce drummed his fingers on his desk for a moment before turning away from the woman.

"Sir, I—." Umbridge began, but she stopped when Puce raised his hand.

"Delores, Amelia's statement is true. This panel cannot enforce or consider laws that do not yet hold the force of the Ministry." Puce looked down at the woman who seemed unable to decide whether to speak or not, "You are dismissed."

The angry click of Umbridge's shoes echoed through the room and everyone was silent until the door closed behind her.

"Returning to our course," Puce said. "The panel holds the following as true: the precedence that exists is applicable, Mr. Pierson's intention, motivation, and ability to serve as guardian are appropriate, the necessary precautions taken by Mr. Pierson in regards to the status of his roommate are acceptable. The minor's preference is clear and not resulting from any form of bribery, fear of harm, or misconception."

There was a moment of silence.

"The panel poses question to Mr. Pierson, please stand." Puce motioned to Harry who stood. "Are you willing to submit to reviews by officials of the Ministry in regard to the safety precautions taken to prevent harm from coming to the minor?"

"Yes." Harry said and he held his breath.

"Are you aware that should you be granted guardianship, unless terminated by this Ministry, the responsibility shall be held by you in full indefinitely?"

"Yes."

"Thank you, you may sit."

"The panel will now call to respond," Puce said and Lily gripped Harry's hand with unsuspected strength.

"In full understanding of those facts presented, and in good conscience, those members of this panel in support of granting guardianship, please express." Puce said and faced the panel.

There were sixteen members of the panel, along with Puce. They took up two rows behind him. Harry watched as three women in the first row raised there hands without hesitation, on the opposite end of the row a man and a woman raised their hands. Amelia Bones raised her hand confidently from the second row and four others followed. Puce faced forward again and raised his own hand.

"The panel, with full force of the Ministry, awards guardianship in total of the minor, Alexander Rettner to Harry Pierson." The man's voice boomed and Harry stared at him, "The panel is dismissed."

There was a loud yelling from behind him and he turned to see James and Sirius hugging each other, as Lily pulled him into a hug he caught Remus' quiet smile over her shoulder and winked at him. He turned from Lily's embrace to see Alex racing across the room and laughed as the boy, literally, jumped into his arms. Harry spun him in a happy circle and a flash went off. Harry turned to see Remus smiling from behind Harry's camera. There were pictures taken of Harry and Alex, and Harry and Alex and Lily, and Harry and Remus and Alex, and Sirus and James and Alex, and just about every combination they could arrange. They even convinced the mousy man to take a picture of them all together. As the man handed the camera back he turned to Harry.

"Mr. Pierson, if you'll step over here for a moment there are some documents you need to sign and some important documents regarding Alex that you'll need to take with you." The man's voice was surprisingly deep.

Harry nodded and made his way to the other table. The next hour was spent filling out various forms and receiving copies of them. When he signed the last form, the truth of it had finally sunk in.

Harry had one arm around Alex as they exit and couldn't keep the smile from his face. They were talking about where to go to celebrate as they headed down the hall to pick up Alex's belongings, when Harry stopped suddenly.

_Hem. Hem._

Harry spun around and looked at the woman and he could feel his anger building rapidly. "What?" he shot out.

The woman looked a little taken aback, and Harry glanced to his sides to see all of his friends standing behind him, Lily with Alex slightly behind her. Umbridge didn't speak.

"Lets go," Lily said, and Harry slowly turned and the walked away.

"Bitch." Harry muttered.

"Tut, tut. You shouldn't be saying naughty words now that you're a daddy." James said and didn't move away fast enough to avoid Harry's shove.

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They had celebrated at the Leaky Cauldron and Tom had given them two free rounds of butterbeer and lunch on the house when Alex blurted out why they were celebrating. The happiness seemed to invade Harry's mind and take over. The pure giddiness Alex displayed made Harry's heart feel whole in a way he had never known.

When they returned home they had shown Alex his room and left him to redecorate with Remus. Lily and James had gone to his parent's house to share the news and Harry had gone to his darkroom to develop the photos. He spent a long time working without thought, when the last photo was hung to dry he stood back and took them all in. Smiling faces smiled back at him and the joy of the day seemed to stream out of the photographs and become tangible. Harry smiled.

There was a knock on the door behind him and he called out, "Come in."

He turned and watched Sirius enter and close the door behind him. He watched as Sirius took in the sight before him and felt a pang of some bittersweet emotion as the grey eyes lit up.

"You did good, Harry." Sirius said coming to stand next to him.

Harry nodded and after a moment turned to face Sirius.

"What did you do to your hand?" Harry asked.

Sirius rubbed the now healed hand with the thumb of the other hand. "Put it through Remus' mirror…if you hadn't noticed, I'm a bit…impulsive.

Harry shook his head and sighed.

"I forgave you, a long time ago, Sirius." Harry said and held out his hand, "I told you once I didn't know how to stop loving you, and it was as true now as it was then."

Sirius took his hand and Harry pulled him forward and he buried his face in Sirius' hair.

"I'm not easy to love either." Harry said quietly, "So we'll have to manage as best we can."

He pulled back and pushed Sirius' hair from his eyes. Their eyes met and there was a moment of hesitation before Sirius leaned in and pressed his lips against Harry's. The kiss was soft and yet demanding. Sirius' hands pulled gently at Harry's hair and Harry sighed when he pulled away.

"We'll make do, I'm sure." Sirius said and leaned his forehead against Harry's.

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Without much transition time they had settled into any easy routine, James and Sirius had gone back to the Potters and were preparing for their training. Lily had timidly asked to stay at the house and it was Alex who told her that _of course, she could stay_, much to the chagrin of Remus and Harry. Remus had already begun his internship, which kept him away for most of the day; Harry and Alex spent much of his time helping Lily plan the wedding, while Harry had begun the task of compiling everything he knew of Voldermort's activities. He read the newspapers and clipped out stories and placed them along a timeline he had created on the wall of his bedroom. He had been in contact with Dumbledore, Kingsley, and more recently Mad-Eye, and they were preparing for the first meeting of the Order.

It was a week after the hearing that Harry received a strange letter. He didn't recognize the owl that brought it, he opened it and the edges crinkled in his tight grip as he read it.

_Pettigrew can be found every Thursday at Byron's Pub in Knockturn Alley, past four._



Harry stared at the symbol at the bottom of the letter, trying to reason out its meaning or suggestion. He took the letter and made his way to his bedroom. He pinned it up next the photograph of Peter on his wall. And stood back a moment, and then glanced at his watch.

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Harry stood outside the Pub, the hood of his dark cloak thrown over his head. He was in the shadow and only the glowing tip of his cigarette could be seen through the darkness. Harry watched as people excited the pub and felt the steady beat of his heart in his chest skip when he saw a familiar shape stumble into the alley.

Harry watched Peter Pettigrew as he made his way clumsily down the street and he followed carefully watching the street behind and around him for any suspicious activity. Harry followed the sloppy, drunken man for five minutes and they came out into muggle London. He watched as Pettigrew turned his head to the left and right in confusion, and stepped back into a doorway just as the other boy turned and retraced his steps. As he heard the heavy footsteps approach Harry swept from his alcove and found himself a foot from Peter who looked up in a dazed stupor for a moment before fear dawned across his face. The man turned to run and Harry watched as he transformed. Harry held out a hand and a white light zoomed over and surrounded the rat in a small shield, which it fruitlessly tried to escape from. Harry approached Peter with wide strides and removed the shield and before the rat had a moment to run, held out his other hand and sent bright blue light at the rat. The rat was suspended in the air for a moment before he fell with a soft thud to the concrete, another flash of light erupted and the rat quickly grew back into Peter Pettigrew who made to run just as Harry shot out _incarcerous._

Harry drug the man who was now bound with thick ropes around the corner and into a darkened alley.

Harry looked down at Peter and was disgusted by the darting eyes, and rapid rise and fall of the man's chest.

"Har-."

"_Silencio._" Harry said with a wave of his hand, "You are lucky, Peter, that I stand on the side of the light. Because, were I on _your side_, I would not hesitate to inflict on you a pain beyond measure, and it would be easily justified. But I stand with stronger men and women than you, and I grant you this act of _mercy_ out of respect to their strength and the sacrifices they make for a greater cause_._"

Harry raised his hand, and fueled his anger with images of the man this boy would become.

_Avada Kedavra._

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THOUGHTS??? Please REVIEW!


	21. The Burden Time Always Reveals

AN: Okay, this chapter was hell to write, but I managed it. Once again thank you for your fabulous reviews. I got a great one about how my writing has gotten better over the chapters, and to be honest you a great deal of the credit is to you who review, encouragement in my experience is the best environment for creativity to grow. FYI- I listened to Fallen by Sarah McLachlan the entire time I was working on this chapter, it is also where the title for the chapter came from, it really spoke to the emotions I think Harry was feeling, so if you like songfics or soundtracks...check it out.

Notes-

_Avada Kedavra-_ Many of you mentioned that you didn't think Harry would use the curse, that he didn't use it on Voldemort. I hear you, but I look at it this way, he is now in this timeline, seeing what he truly lost. I think that makes Peter's betrayal more real to him, I also think that after Lily's parents he feels responsible and wants to stop it from happening to anyone else.

_Harry's Soul-_ In regards to Harry splitting his soul, the impression I get with the soul splitting is that it is not an across the board situation. I think intention is the key here. Can you imagine Molly Weasley's soul being split for killing Bellatrix? Harry's intention was not cruel, or even purely selfish, I think that is his saving grace.

The Symbol- It's not actually showing up when I post the way I want it to. But if I try and describe it to you the meaning will be very obvious, so we'll leave it a mystery instead.

_Mad-Eye-_ Yes, Mad-Eye isn't called that yet, but to Harry that's what he is. Because the story is from Harry's perspective, he'll still refer to him as Mad-Eye in his thoughts, but not in conversation.

_Wandless Magic-_ In Chapter 14, Harry talks with the group about his silent wandless magic. This is a big out of canon, I suppose. But I don't imagine it requires more power necessarily, in my mind it's more about focus, and to Harry this would be a great advantage. I like to think that Harry prepared himself more than JKR allows.

_Revealing the Rat (blue spell)-_ This is taken as a paraphrase from POA where JKR describes Remus and Sirius forcing Peter to reveal himself. I imagined that this would be a spell Harry would be intent on learning, especially after Peter escaped from them.

**Thanks to RRW for the push to make Harry 'rogue', and to Fraewyn for the idea of the Ministry steps.**

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The next morning, the house was quiet. Harry lay in bed listening to the silence with a coldness inside of him that he couldn't define, but if he thought about it long enough he could explain. He got out of bed slowly and pulled on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, as he made his way down the hall he thought about the quietness of the house. It was strange, for the last week there had been so much noise that Harry often locked himself in the darkroom with a silencing spell. But, the silence was not unexpected. With James and Sirius back at the Potters, Remus at work, and Lily at St. Mungos, it was only he and Alex in the house after 6 AM. Alex never woke before noon unless someone forcibly removed him from bed.

Harry made a detour on his way to the kitchen and peeked in on Alex, there was something comforting about seeing the boy so relaxed. Sprawled out on his bed, blankets twisted and clothes strewn across the floor. It made him think about _before_ and imagined how different his life would be if he had ever slept so peacefully. Harry leaned against the door way and felt a momentary warmth seep through the chill in his soul. Finally, he turned away and shut the door quietly.

He made his way down the stairs and stepped into the kitchen, he stopped when he saw Sirius sitting at the table, chair leaning back, and feet resting on the table, arms folded behind his head. There was a cup of steaming coffee on the table and a newspaper next to it. Sirius looked at Harry but didn't say anything.

Harry stood for a moment feeling a sort of expectation coming in waves off of Sirius, whose eyes were unreadable.

"Hey…" Harry said running a hand through his hair, "Aren't you supposed to be at work?"

Sirius didn't answer, he slid the cup of coffee across the table. Harry approached the table with a raised eyebrow and sat down in the chair across from Sirius. He looked at him trying to read the situation but came back with nothing, so he sipped the coffee.

"Everything all right?" Harry asked and Sirius slid the newspaper across the table, and then rested his hand on his chin, his eyes not moving from Harry's face.

Harry set down the coffee cup and flipped the paper over. The headline screamed out at him and the photograph covered nearly the entire front page. Harry watched as Aurors swarmed around the steps of the Ministry, where Peter Pettigrew's body lay. Harry glanced through the article, but didn't really read it. Harry glanced back up at Sirius who was still staring at him.

"Well, that's something." Harry said and stood moving to the kitchen. He washed the cup out in the sink and dried it before setting it aside. He heard the chair legs hit the floor behind him and turned to face Sirius as he approached.

"Tell me this wasn't you." Sirius' voice did not waver but held a certain desperate plea to it that startled Harry. Harry moved around the kitchen opening cupboards for no reason and closing them again.

Harry turned and leaned his back against the counter, "Why would you think it was?"

"His sleeve was missing on his left arm." Sirius said, "And that night you said…"

"And you said you would stand with me." Harry said.

Sirius took a step back. "Tell me it wasn't you."

"What difference does it make?" Harry said absently, "I'm not the only one who wished for it."

"IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE!" Sirius exploded unexpectedly, but Harry didn't flinch at the words. "James and I are Aurors. You have Alex, now, we aren't stupid angry boys hurting for our friend anymore!"

Harry let out a low whistle, "Such a quick departure from Never, Never Land."

"What?" Sirius looked at him with a frustrated confusion, and Harry wanted to laugh but it would have come out harsh so he swallowed it.

"Nothing," Harry shook his head, turned around and made to walk away but Sirius grabbed his arm.

"We're not finished." Sirius said and Harry couldn't stop the cold laughter this time

"Yes_, sir_." Harry said as he removed his arm from Sirius' grip. "What's with the sudden call to responsibility? You've only been in training for a week, it can't have changed you that much."

"I saw a boy I grew up with dead on the steps to the Ministry." Sirius bit out. "And realized that this isn't just hexes in the hallway and Lily punching him. He's dead."

"No, Sirius." Harry said coldly, "What you saw was a Death Eater, a _murderer_ dead on the steps of the Ministry."

"Tell me it wasn't you." Sirius said not meeting Harry's eyes.

"And what if I can't?" Harry asked and there was a challenge to his tone as he leaned closer to Sirius, "Are you going to haul me down to the Ministry?"

Harry was aware of the condescending tone he had arrived at, he was aware that he was being, perhaps, insensitive, but Sirius' naiveté was insufferable. Harry knew, that death did strange things to people, that war was even worse. And here was Sirius Black, young and a week into Auror training, being force fed ideals about honor and civic duty that hinged on power and not always what is right or just. Harry thought back to a time when a different Sirius had been prepared to kill Peter Pettigrew without a second thought, and he recalled himself telling him no. Harry's head swam with the irony of it all.

He stepped back from Sirius and looked at him, _death did strange things to people_.

"When Peter put that mark on his arm, he stopped being the boy you knew." Harry said, "He became something else, and death is the least of what he signed up for."

Sirius stared at him but didn't respond.

"What did you come here for if you have already convinced yourself of the answer to your question?" Harry asked. "You saw him dead today and realized that this was real? I have been living in this reality my entire life. And if you had seen the things I've seen you would not dare defend a single person who took that mark willingly."

Sirius' eyes narrowed and Harry stared hard at him.

"Show me." Harry looked at him and at that moment he regretted the conversation he'd had with Sirius after Dumbledore had asked them to join the Order, regretted explaining why Snape was there, regretted telling him _how_ he had convinced the boy not to become a Death Eater.

"No." Harry said.

"Why? Because you know it won't matter? Because there is no defense for _murder_?" Sirius said and something in Harry broke, he looked at Sirius and with a rush of anger their eyes met and Harry forced images out of his mind and into Sirius'.

The force behind it shook inside of Harry as the memories spilled out.

Screaming. Blood. Children crying over their fallen parents. A woman under the cruciatus, battle scenes where Adava Kedavra was an act of mercy, in comparison with the bloody, slow, methods the Death Eaters preferred.

The images flooded out of Harry one after another, after another he was reliving them as well, so much pain and death, so many nameless faces, and Harry felt sick, he was lost to them. It was only Sirius' hoarse whisper that brought him back.

"Stop." Sirius' breath was uneven and as Harry withdrew he watched the other boy sit on the floor and bury his hands in his hair. He looked up and met Harry's eyes and there was a fear and sadness in them that ran so deep, Harry was sure there was no end. Harry watched as sole tear made a tragic journey down his face. "Stop."

Harry rested his back against he icebox and stuffed his hands into his pockets.

"It's war." Harry said, "If I could have saved any of those people, I would have. But I couldn't and it was because of people like Peter that they died."

______________________________________________________________________________

Sirius hadn't left the house after their conversation, although Harry had expected him to. Instead he had sat at the table for a long time staring at the newspaper and drinking coffee. After an hour or so he had gone up to Alex's room and shortly after Harry had heard a yell and a crash and had wandered up to find Alex drenched in water sitting on Sirius' stomach. Harry looked in on them and Alex gave him a wicked grin, a brief pain passed across Sirius' eyes when he looked at Harry but it was gone as soon as he had grabbed Alex around the waist and tackled the boy to the floor.

Harry left them and made his way to his bedroom where he stood in front of the timeline he had constructed. He stepped forward and touched the crinkled paper next to Peter's photo. The symbol at the bottom of the page still baffled him, it was a clear mark of identity but gave him no hints. It looked familiar to him in a strange way but the connection eluded him. He touched the symbol with his finger, before he took the paper down and crumbled it in his fist.

______________________________________________________________________________

Harry was making notes about everything he could remember about Voldemort's horcruxes, when Remus tumbled out of the floo.

"Did you hear?" He said breathlessly as he stood clutching a newspaper in his hands.

"Yes. Sirius came by." Remus furrowed his brow, and Harry nodded to the kitchen.

"He's still here?" Remus asked with a concern lacing his tone.

"Been here since this morning, spent all day terrorizing Alex." Harry said with a shrug and followed Remus into the kitchen.

______________________________________________________________________________

Alex was a smart kid, and Harry could tell his brain was working overtime trying to put the pieces together. Lily had arrived not long after Remus and had set herself to cooking with Remus' help. Sirius and Alex had started a game of chess, while Harry watched, when James arrived. James had kissed Lily chastely and whispered something in her ear, after she nodded and gave him a weak smile James had turned on Sirius.

"Where the hell did you run off to this morning?"

"I had some things I had to take care of." Sirius said.

"You can't just _leave. _Sirius, you're in major trouble." James said with exasperation and Sirius shrugged. "Honestly! What is the matter with you?"

"James." It was Remus who spoke up and shook his head when James glanced at him.

"They're considering letting you go." James said, ignoring Remus.

"I'd imagine." Sirius replied as if they were talking about something wholly unimportant.

"Maybe they should if you care so little!" James raised his voice and Alex shot him an angry, protective look. "They needed everybody there to deal with the Pettigrew case."

Sirius slammed his fists on the table and Alex jumped a little. "The _Pettigrew case_? Bloody Hell, Prongs! It was Peter, all right. We shared a dorm with him for seven years. How can you not—."

"What? Care?" James shot back at him and moved toward the table. "He killed Lily's parents! All I care about is why the hell he ended up on the steps of the Ministry."

The boys stared at each other and Harry saw Alex fidget in his chair. Sirius glanced at Harry who looked away.

"James," Remus broke in again, "Let it go. It's done."

James stepped back. "I can't believe you're risking your career because of him."

"James." Remus' voice was firm now and James strode out of the room, Harry heard him call the floo. Nobody noticed Alex move his piece on the board.

"Check Mate." The boy said tentatively and Sirius looked at him, smiled and ruffled his hair.

______________________________________________________________________________

Harry was still awake that night when his bedroom door opened and closed. He said nothing as Sirius climbed into bed with him. There were several inches of space between them and they both lay on their backs staring at the ceiling.

"Is that what you dream about?" Sirius asked.

"Some of it."

"Did you kill Peter?" It was quiet, and Harry sighed.

"Do you really need to ask?"

"No."

Sirius fell silent and Harry turned to his side facing away from him. After a few moments Sirius moved over and wrapped an arm around Harry.

"If I asked you about those…memories…would you tell me?"

"No." Harry's voice was a whisper.

______________________________________________________________________________

Harry couldn't sleep. He lay there with the warmth of Sirius' breath on the back of his neck and all he could think about was the flash of green light and Peter's unblinking eyes. He carefully extracted himself from Sirius' arms and left the room. As he came down the stairs he could hear low voices talking. When he came around the corner he saw Remus and Lily sitting in the living room, the fire was burning and there were abandoned cups of tea on the coffee table. Harry didn't speak as he caught the end of Lily's sentence.

"…said he didn't suffer," Lily's voice was barely above a whisper, "Part of me, wishes he had and that makes me feel terrible."

Harry watched as Remus took Lily's hand. "It's all right, Lil."

"James says they haven't any leads. Said they probably won't ever find who did it. Said they couldn't trace the magic even." Lily continued as she stared into the fire.

Remus said nothing and he turned and glanced at Harry.

Harry didn't make any move to walk toward them. Remus didn't turn away and after a moment Lily looked back at Harry too.

Lily raised a hand in invitation and Harry moved to the sofa and sat down next to him. Lily wrapped her arm around his and leaned into him.

"First meeting is tomorrow." Remus said as he looked at the two of them. "Do you know where it'll be?"

Harry shook his head. "Moody is in charge of the meeting place, he won't tell anyone where it is until tomorrow."

Lily leaned over and kissed Harry on the cheek before standing and giving Remus a brief hug.

"I'm going to try and get some sleep." She said and headed up the stairs. Harry imagined there was more to her exit than being tired but he waited for Remus to make the first move.

"Sirius talked to us, after you went to bed." Remus said and his casual tone made it easy for Harry to meet his eyes. "Lily is worried about you."

"Why's that?" Harry asked.

"Because she believes Sirius," Remus said with a shrug.

"I'm fine." Harry said.

"And that's the reason I'm worried about you." Remus said.

"Rem. I'm fine." But Harry wasn't fine and he swallowed a strange suffocating lump in his throat and stared at the fire, fighting off the image of Peter's eyes.

"So you say."

Harry didn't look at him because Remus knew him, and if he looked at him just then, Remus would know.

"So, I say." Harry responded.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Harry stood in the back of the room where the new members of the Order had gathered. They had received the summons from Dumbledore an hour before the meeting was to start. Sirius and James, Remus and Lily had sat down around the large table at the center of the room, next to Frank and Alice. He had received identical looks of confusion from the group as he made his way past them to stand with his back against the wall. He watched as everyone filed in. There were introductions and chitchat as they waited for Dumbledore to arrive. Severus arrived and Harry nodded in his direction.

When Dumbledore appeared silence fell on the room, Harry imagined this was because most of the people gathered here were at one time or another students of his. Harry didn't know the house they were in or where it was located, it was not regal nor large. The room they were in would seem to be a formal dining room. Alex was set up in the study with some muggle story Remus had given him. Although, Harry was sure the boy would be doing his best to listen in.

"Thank you all for being here," Albus began, "It is no great secret anymore, that a full-out war looms but a breath away. The man, who calls himself Lord Voldemort is no longer hiding in the shadows, no longer waging his war in the dark places of our society, he is dancing in the streets and celebrating his newly found power."

The silence in the room had become tense and dramatic.

"We have already lost a great many to his campaign, innocents, friends and family. Not only as a result of their violence but to his recruitment as well," Dumbledore's oratorical skills were magnificent and he gave them a moment to account for their own losses. "This man, works in magic darker than we have seen in a century, but his beliefs and propaganda are not new, they have existed in the hearts and minds of wizards for as long as magic has and we have, so often, looked the other way. And now, those beliefs have been given a face, and a name, and they are striking down on us with a great fury. Our underlying past mistakes are rising up against us."

Dumbledore looked to the back of the room where Harry remained expressionless and impassive.

"But all is not lost, and this gathering is an example of such." Dumbledore said, "To stand against a force of evil, we must stand united, and we must fight for those who can not, to keep our world from falling to darkness."

Harry glanced around the room and felt as though something fierce and intense had been stirred up.

"I would like to recognize Harry Pierson," Dumbledore said and Harry straightened at his mention. "For those of you who do not know him, he came to Hogwarts this year after a great personal loss. Harry's past is his to explain, but he has more experience in fighting the type of war we face than anyone in this room, myself included. I ask that you listen to him knowing that he has my trust and my respect."

Harry did not move from his place as surprised faces turned to him.

"Harry, could you speak to our circumstances, please." Albus said and gave a wide gesture to the group around him.

"Voldemort is the master of fear. He recruits from those of like mind, and those too weak to deny his persuasion." Harry began, his voice strong and commanding. "He has no boundaries of honor or fairness. He and his followers will kill without care or concern and their methods are cruel, and designed to instill in people an incapacitating dread. He sees no difference between the murder of an apt fighter and that of a small child."

There were whispers as he continued.

"To win against him, we must be willing to stand unafraid in front of evil in it's basest form," Harry said his eyes meeting Sirius', "We must be willing to redefine the methods we use because if we are afraid to push back against this force, we will fail."

Harry stopped and looked around the room and a burst of conversation seemed to erupt.

"What is it exactly that you're suggesting?" This came from Dedalus Diggle.

"I am only suggesting that you all understand that this is a war we are heading into," Harry said crossing his arms across his chest. "And that you realize there is more to fighting the good fight than simply pointing fingers."

The meeting continued, with Mad-Eye speaking on those he knew to be Death Eaters and the group at large discussing what the Ministry's stance was likely to be. Peter's name was brought up and it was said that the Ministry could hardly continue to remain oblivious when proof was literally dropped on their doorstep. During the conversation about Peter's death, as they argued about who was responsible, whether Peter had displeased his Lord or someone was hunting Death eaters for sport, Harry remained silent, as did his friends.

As it came to a close, Harry remained at the back of the room while the others drifted out. Mad-Eye, although it was only 'Moody' now, he supposed, strode purposefully back to him. He held out a hand and Harry took it.

"You aren't what I expected." Alastor said and Harry shrugged. "Dumbledore's word means a great deal to me, and your letters are not that of a boy playing war games."

There was a pause as Alastor scrutinized him.

"But I don't trust you," He said unapologetically, "Even if you have an impressive collection of scars."

"I wouldn't expect any less," Harry said to Moody's retreating back.

"Quite the brazen speech you gave there," Severus said from beside him. "These people aren't stupid, Pierson. Your _suggestions_ following so close to Pettigrew's murder have led quite a few people down a path, I'd imagine, is more than accurate."

"You have quite the imagination, Severus." Harry said with a smirk.

"Do I?" He said and reached into his robes pulling out an envelope, he handed it to Harry.

Harry felt the familiar weight, and pulled out the parchment inside.

_Fenrir Greyback can be found in the Hog's Head just after sunset, _

_the night before the full moon. He is rallying for Him._

_Greyback will meet them in the pasture just north of Hogsmeade._



Harry folded the paper and tucked it into his pocket. Severus watched him with a wry look.

"You have a habit of absconding with my mail, Pierson."

"Severus, you don't want to be involved in this." Harry said not looking at the other man.

"You have no idea what I want." There is a level of disgust in his voice that is so familiar to Harry it's almost comforting. "Honestly, you keep defending me I imagine Black is going to get jealous."

Harry snorted. "I can handle Greyback."

"Lets be a little less dramatic about it, shall we?" Severus said reaching into the pocket of his robes again. He tossed a vial of blue-green liquid to him.

Harry held the tiny vial in his hand and looked at Severus.

"There is no going back from this, Severus." Harry said and put the potion in his pocket.

"I'm just following your _suggestion._" Severus said, "Can't just point fingers."

"Why do you think, the letters came to us?" Harry asked idly.

"I know why it came to me." Severus said.

"You know who it is." Harry turned to him, and Severus shrugged.

"We've both got our secrets." Severus said, "And we keep them for the same reasons."

___________________________________________________________________________

It was a week later that Harry found himself pacing the living room, he felt Severus' vial in his pocket like a weight on his soul and the internal battle that was waging inside of him was violent.

"This is right." Harry said out loud.

"Is it?" Remus asked from where he leaned against the doorway to the kitchen.

Harry looked at him and could tell he was exhausted, tomorrow night's moon already taking it's toll.

"Hey." Harry said shaking his head. "Why aren't you in bed?"

Remus raised the cup of tea he held, "Just a nightcap."

Harry nodded.

"Where are you going?" Remus said casually, taking a sip of tea.

"Out."

Remus shook his head, "This is about not pointing fingers, hm?"

Harry didn't look at him.

"I'll be back soon." Harry said pulling on his cloak.

"And I'll be here." Remus said before turning and going back into the kitchen.

__________________________________________________________________________

He met Severus just outside of the Hog's head a few minutes later. They stood to the left of the entrance and spoke in quiet tones.

"Why are you here?" Harry asked with a harsh whisper.

"I came for the show." The other man said.

They entered the run-down building and made their way to the bar. Harry looked at the picture of Ariana that hung behind the bar and waved at the pretty girl who smiled and curtsied.

"What can I get you boys?"

"Ogden's." Harry said and shook his head when Severus ordered a brandy.

Harry discreetly glanced around the bar and saw Greyback sitting with a group of ragged looking men at the back of the bar. Greyback pulled the barmaid over to him roughly and handed her his glass, slapping her on the backside as she turned. The dark-haired woman's fear was evident behind the veil of humiliation and anger as she returned to the bar. She spoke to Aberforth and Harry slid off his stool and made his way toward her, uncorking the vial as he went. He hid it in his palm and as she turned to take the drink back he stepped into her path. She swore a little and gave him a glare, as some of the drink spilled on her blouse.

"I'm sorry. How clumsy of me." Harry said and gave her a wink. "Here, let me." He took the glass from her hand and pulled out his wand with the other. He performed a quick drying spell on her blouse before handing the drink back to her tipping the vial as she took hold of it.

She smiled a little at him and then took the drink to Greyback, earning her another crude slap as she left. Harry made his way to the restrooms at the back of the bar and passed Greyback just as he took a long drink.

When he returned to the bar he took a drink of his firewhisky and glanced back at Greyback who was already calling for another.

Snape's voice startled him a bit, "He's got about ten minutes, if I've done it right."

"Then he's got about ten minutes, I'd wager." Harry said finishing his drink and standing. Severus swirled his brandy and took a last sip before standing as well.

They were outside the Hog's Head again and stood to the left of the building. Both of them had pulled their cloaks up throwing their faces into shadow. Harry lit a cigarette and exhaled loudly.

"I thought that was a muggle obsession." Severus said and Harry could almost hear him rolling his eyes.

Harry laughed, "Not all things muggle are bad."

They turned their eyes back to the entrance when the door slammed open and the ragged men exited, with Greyback following them, swaying a little.

The other men headed off in the opposite direction of where Harry and Severus stood. But Greyback did not immediately follow, instead he put a hand out and it came to rest roughly on the side of the building. One of the men turned, and yelled out to him. He waved them off.

"I'll be a minute. Get them all organized. Tell them about tomorrow." He said but his voice was raspy and he watched the men disappear around the corner before he retched violently.

"That's our cue," Severus said with a twisted smile. Harry followed him as they made their way toward the werewolf.

______________________________________________________________________________

Harry was the first one awake that morning, and waited for the owl to deliver the paper. He made a cup of coffee and sat twirling it around in front of him by its handle. He looked up when the scrape of Remus' slippers came across the floor. He looked tired and sickly, Harry got up and began making him some tea. He could feel Remus' eyes on him, but he didn't turn around until the tea was finished.

He set the cup down in front of Remus and returned to his own chair taking a drink of coffee.

"Have you heard from Sirius or James this morning?" Remus asked and his voice was rough.

"I'm sure I will." Was all Harry said and Remus raised an eyebrow.

Harry nearly jumped out of his skin when the post-owl tapped on the window. He turned and opened it allowing the bird to flutter in and settle itself on the table. Harry provided it a knut and unrolled the paper. The image again took up the majority of the page, this time the Aurors seemed a bit reluctant to get close to the metal cage that sat blocking the main doors to the Ministry. They stood to the side speaking amongst themselves and staring at Greyback who shook the bars and railed angrily at the Aurors, the sleeve on his left arm missing and the mark on his arm dark against the pale skin. It was not difficult to see the wolf in him from this picture, and Harry thought of Alex and Adam Terry looking through the seventh year Defense book. The headline blared:

**VIGILANTE JUSTICE OR ARE THE AURORS FALLING DOWN ON THE JOB?**

Remus let out a low whistle from over Harry's shoulder.

"I imagine you _will _be hearing from James and Sirius today." Remus said but his light tone was at odds with the fierce darkness in his eyes.

Harry stared at the page for a long moment before pushing the paper aside. Remus returned to his seat and continued drinking his tea while Harry abandoned his coffee and went to the kitchen where he pulled a bottle of firewhiskey from the cupboard and poured himself a glass.

"Long night?" Remus called over to him as Harry took a large drink.

Harry didn't answer he set the glass down, perhaps a bit harder than he should have and some of the remaining liquid sloshed over the edge.

"This," Remus gestured to the paper. "Doesn't seem quite your style."

"What do you mean?" Harry said not liking what the world _style_ meant in this context.

"A little manipulative for you," Remus said and there was hardness to his eyes that Harry wasn't used to.

"I don't understand." Harry said taking another drink and letting it burn it's way through the confusion in his mind.

"You're telling me it's a coincidence, that the day after they pass the new legislation," Remus said, "You just happen to place a caged werewolf in front of the Ministry, and have no idea what will happen?"

Harry stared at him and in the back of his mind there was a shimmer of understanding, some connection was slowly being made.

"He…they…" Harry didn't know what it was he wanted to say and his grip on the cup in his hand tightened.

"They won't send him to Azkaban, they won't even give him the kiss." Remus said and darkness of his eyes suddenly made sense as Harry also noted the tenseness of his jaw. "They will kill him, Harry. The public will be comforted by it, and they will forget the disgusting implications of the law, because Greyback is a monster, a murderer, who surely deserves death and a painful one at that. And there will be a celebration in the Department For Regulations and Control, because you have given them their first success."

Harry didn't flinch when the glass shattered in his hand. He felt lightheaded and he felt a tremendous anger rushing to the surface. _Severus Snape. _It was genius really, if you thought about it. Getting back at your childhood tormentors, slaying the monster in your nightmares, and serving a good cause…all at the same time.

The sting from the whiskey in the open cuts was so far removed from Harry that when he looked at the blood and glass he was surprised. Remus was next to him and walking him to the sink, he was rinsing out the cuts and healing them. Harry stood at the sink looking down at the faint redlines on his palm when Remus spoke.

"You really didn't know?" He asked and he sounded as if he had somehow been deflated.

Harry shook his head but didn't look at Remus.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Harry stood in front of the mirror that night, in his empty bedroom. He forced himself to stare at the image in front of him, because for the last week it was not his own pale green eyes that he saw but the lifeless blue eyes of Peter Pettigrew. He had listened to James and Sirius rage at him for nearly two hours, it had taken a slap from Lily to get James to calm down. James had left without a word but Sirius had whispered in his ear, as Harry stood without moving, and told him he was selfish and an awful friend, and 'how could he not have known'.

It was late, but he couldn't sleep because when he closed his eyes he saw Remus caged at the entrance of the Ministry. So he stood staring at the mirror, anger and guilt mixing into a volatile emotion in his mind. He didn't realize he had raised his hand until pieces of the mirror crashed down to the floor sending glass skittering across the floor. He didn't feel the pain as he continued to stare at his reflection distorted by the missing sections of glass and the spider web of cracks.

When the door closed behind him he turned and saw Lily standing there in a worn red robe, a sad look on her face as she glanced down at his hand. When Harry looked down he turned his hand over and saw the blood pooling in his palm for the second time that day. He didn't move as Lily repaired the mirror but wouldn't let her touch his hand.

Harry stared at him and all of the images he had ever seen of her flooded his mind, ghostly images, unrealistic reflections, and the sound of her scream. And he looked at the young woman taking tentative steps toward him like he was a frightened animal. Harry sat down on the on bed and watched the droplets of blood fall to the floor between his feet. He felt the tears spilling out and tried to find a measure of control. His shoulder's shook and he felt Lily wrap her arm around him, he leaned into her and she smoothed her hand across his hair.

"I thought…I only wanted to save them." Harry said, for the first time in a long time he felt a weakness in his voice.

"I know, baby, I know." Lily's voice was soft and comforting and Harry held it in his mind like a security blanket.

Harry cried. And Lily rocked him back and forth.

"You didn't know," Lily said. "Remus believes you."

"I've made it worse for him, I should have known." Harry said shaking his head.

"But you didn't. What you did…" Lily said. "You saved lives. Greyback was a monster, who almost always went after children. He was the one who attacked Remus, you know."

Harry said nothing, he closed his eyes and saw Remus in the cage.

"Laws can be changed, Harry, life cannot be given back." Lily said with the same passionate fire to her voice that she had when she addressed the panel at the first hearing.

"I killed him, Lily." Harry said. "I killed him."

"I know."

"I have never used an unforgivable. I never wanted to, I…" Harry let out a long sigh. "I am no better then they are."

"No. Harry, you are different." Lily said, "I won't hear you compare yourself to them. Peter was a murderer and so was Greyback. They deserved worse than what they got."

"I see his eyes, Lil." Harry said and looked at her, seeing nothing but sympathy.

"You hurt now because you are not a killer." She said, "The choice you made wasn't an easy one, but I believe it was the right one."

"I feel like a killer, I feel…" He trailed off and looked away from her.

"You tell us all the time, this is war. You said we have to make sacrifices." She said quietly as she took his hand in hers and began pulling out the glass shards. "You may have sacrificed your peace of mind, and saved many lives because of it, but it will fade, the pain will fade."

Harry watched her heal his hand and summon a washcloth to clean off the drying blood.

"You are a good man, Harry Pierson." She turned his head to face hers.

"I keep thinking about what James said earlier, about what Alex would think if he knew," Harry said, "About what he would learn from it."

"James…has been spouting nothing but Ministry regulations and the Auror code for the last three weeks." Lily said with a roll of her eyes, "He hasn't learned to sort out his own definition of right and wrong. I think, that if Alex understood, he would be proud of you. I think he would see the bravery in the sacrifice you are making to save people you don't even know."

Harry sighed and pulled away from her.

"Sometimes, I look at you and I can see you surrounded by a pain so vivid and strong that I think I could reach out and touch it," Lily said and the motherly concern in her voice made Harry ache for a childhood he never had, "Sometimes you look so terribly alone."

Harry wiped his eyes on his sleeve and looked at her.

"I am here, so is Remus and Sirius and James, once they get over themselves." Lily said, "You are not alone. If you would only let us in."

______________________________________________________________________________

I love you all, because I _know_ you're going to review.


	22. Lies and Discord

Notes-

_Harry's past/future: _I haven't decided yet if Harry will admit that he's from the future. He may only tell a few people.

_Tattoo- _The names on Harry's arm will be brought up, but there are more important things they are focusing on.

_Wandless Magic- _**Raion- **I think we agree on this more than we think. To clarify, I don't think that it doesn't require more innate power than Harry already has. I think it's a matter of control and training, like you said.

____________________________________________________________________________

Harry had forgotten how to breathe.

He sat up in his bed and could feel his lungs fighting for air but his body no longer seemed to understand the process. His heart raced, and he could feel his chest tightening, he scrambled to stand and knocked over the lamp on the bedside table in the process. He was on his hands and knees, sweat rolling off of him, tiny bright spots appearing and disappearing in his vision.

And the nightmare continued although he was wide-awake. Flashes of images, pieces of thought and emotion came across his mind, and he thought his head would explode from the pressure of it all.

_Sirius' voice, "I can't keep hoping for a future that doesn't exist."_

_Blood dripping on the hardwood floor._

_Remus walking down the stairs to the cellar._

_Lily toasting to her parents in the empty house._

_James brushing past him as he left the house in anger._

_Alex running across the courtroom at the Ministry._

_Touching Sirius' face outside Gryffindor tower._

_Albus Dumbledore looking at him with a cool expectation, "All is not lost."_

Harry's heart pounded painfully and his eyes began to water, he wanted to shout out he wanted to scream but he couldn't.

_Ariana curtseying from behind the bar at the Hog's Head._

_Sirius' cold whisper, "How could you not have known?"_

_Harry's distorted reflection in the broken mirror._

Harry pounded a fist on the floor.

_Lily's determined expression, "Can I fight with you?"_

_The Death Eaters flooding on to the Platform._

_Severus Snape smirking at him as he hands over the envelope._

_Alex crying in the hospital wing._

_Peter Pettigrew's eyes, lifeless, unmoving._

The door to his bedroom opened and Harry, now barely conscious, heard Alex scream for Lily. Harry raised his head and watched James and Lily rush into the room, Alex standing terrified in the doorway.

_Lily's soft tones, "If you'd only let us in."_

James was pulling him up and Lily was kneeling in front of him, her hands on his face. Remus came into the room followed by Sirius, Remus' eyes were wide and unsure.

"Harry…Harry…breathe." Lily's voice was soft but commanding. Harry heard her distantly, from behind the roar of blood in his ears. He shook his head.

_Avada Kedevra. Green light. A woman's scream._

Harry clutched Lily's shoulders in his hands. He looked up and met Sirius eyes.

"_I'm no saint."_

He saw Sirius move from across the room and push Lily out of the way. Suddenly, his face was met with the hard impact Sirius' open palm and Harry fell to the floor, face stinging and a whoosh of air coming into his lungs.

"What the HELL, Padfoot!" James screamed and pushed Sirius against the wall.

He coughed and turned over onto his back taking deep gasping breaths. After a minute, he sat up slowly and glanced around the room when his eyes fell on Alex the small boy immediately ran to Harry and wrapped his arms around him. Harry could feel Alex's rapid breathing rested his head against' the boy's shoulder.

"I'm all right." Harry whispered, his hoarse voice. And Alex nodded into Harry's chest.

It took Harry fifteen minutes to convince Alex to go back to bed. He still sat on the floor, for the moment, too exhausted to stand. None of the others had moved. Remus still stood in the doorway; Lily was sitting on the floor a few feet from Harry. Sirius stood with his back to the wall, and James in front of him. They didn't say anything for a while, and Harry reached up and touched his split lip, looking at the blood of his fingers when he withdrew them. This seemed to spur Lily into action and she moved to him touching his face and turning it to the side.

"Are you okay?" She asked him.

"Well, I can't say Sirius' hits like a girl." Harry said with a wink and Lily rolled her eyes, but he heard Remus and James chuckle quietly.

"How long have you been having panic attacks?" Harry looked at Sirius with mild surprise.

"Why do you care?" Harry's voice was filled with a week's worth of anger.

"I don't." Sirius said and pushed past James and Remus to leave the room. Lily looked to James and jerked her head toward the door and James nodded before following Sirius out.

Remus still hovered at the doorway, not leaving but not really staying either, and the knowledge of why made Harry take a deep breath and close his eyes.

______________________________________________________________________________

Nobody had spoken about Harry's panic attack, and no one had commented on the obvious silence between he and Sirius. June was coming to an end; Lily and James' wedding was only two weeks away and planning was in full swing. Lily was getting very little sleep, but she had a happy glow around her that paled the dark circles below her eyes. Alex and Sirius were spending a great deal of time together, which comforted and annoyed Harry at the same time. Alex loved Sirius and Sirius felt the same, but to have Sirius in his house so much, and to rarely see him drove Harry to spend a great deal of time in the study thinking about Voldemort. Because thinking about Voldemort, right now, was a lot easier than thinking about Sirius.

They'd had another Order meeting last week, Voldemort had been strangely quiet and Harry knew what that meant. He had tried to express to the others that this was not a time for them to wait for him to make a move, that they should be gathering information, _they_ should be planning as the Death Eaters surely were. But the general tone of the meeting was one of relief, there hadn't been any mass deaths, there had been no outright attacks. No one aside from Mad-Eye and Harry seemed to fully understand the nature of Voldemort's silence. Even with the respected auror pushing for action, the group only responded that they should tread carefully and not be rash.

Harry, meanwhile, was working out specifically which horcruxes should exist at this time and trying to guess at where they would be. He sat at his desk and made a list:

Cup

_Locket_

_Diary_

_Diadem_

_Ring_

_Me_

_Nangini_

He crossed off himself and Nangini, knowing that those two had most assuredly not been made yet. He shuffled his papers around and pulled out a small outline he had made regarding everything Dumbledore had shown him about the horcruxes. He knew that the ring had been created while Voldemort was still Tom Riddle and a student at Hogwarts. Which means that one was, surely finished already. The Diary was also done while he was still at Hogwarts. So that one existed as well. Harry recalled Dumbledore talking about Tom Riddle returning to ask for a job as the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, and he mused that Voldemort had most likely stashed the diadem there at that time. Which meant that it was already hidden in the Room of Requirement. Voldemort had murdered the owner of the cup and the locket while he worked at Borgin and Burkes, which was before he came to Dumbledore to ask for a job, so those were most likely horcruxes already, too. He knew the Diary had been given to Lucius Malfoy at some point, before Oct. 31, 1981, when Voldemort had lost his body. But didn't know if he yet had it, or even if he did, he had no idea how he'd get to it. The ring was at the Gaunt home, _somewhere_, when Dumbledore found it, and Harry imagined it already was. The locket was in the cave just outside of the orphanage, but Harry wasn't sure that he could find the entrance to its hiding place. The cup, they had found in the LeStrange Vault, and put there anytime between when it was created and Voldemort's first defeat.

Harry tapped his quill against the paper leaving little spots of ink on the page. After all of his thinking his page looked only a little more promising.

Cup- (exists) LeStrange Vault?

_Locket- (exists) Cave_

_Diary- (exists) Malfoy?_

_Diadem- (exists) Hogwarts, Room of Requirement_

_Ring- (exists) Gaunt Home_

Me Nangini

It was clear to Harry that he had to get to the diadem first, and to locate the cave and the Gaunt home he would need Dumbledore's help. There was a spiteful part of him that didn't want to invite the old man at all, but he wasn't so childish to not know better. He knew the horcruxes were a place to start, but there was more. And as he looked at the list he recalled telling Dumbledore's tomb that there was more to it. He still believed that, but he couldn't overlook the importance of the horcruxes.

_There is something else, _Harry thought. He stood and stared at the wall of his room. Which held a timeline that ran from one side of the wall to the other. It began in 1970 and ended in 2000, the last year he was in his own time. There were names and photographs, newspaper clippings. He had cast a glowing spell on all of the items that seemed to be out of sync, or changed by time, the things that were different from what he remembered being told. _What am I missing?_

Harry had lost himself in thought staring at the wall when the door opened, it took him a minute to register that someone had entered and he had only seconds to cast the spell that turned his work into a series of photographs of him and his friends. He turned toward the door and smiled when he saw Alex there.

"Hey bud, all right?" Harry asked and moved toward the boy.

"All right!" Alex said with a happy bounciness. "I was just coming to see if we could go with Lily tomorrow to Diaigon Alley, she said that we could. She has some shopping to do and she said she'd buy us an ice cream!"

Harry smiled at the boy, "Sure. What time is she leaving?"

"Just before lunch, she said."

"All right, sounds like a good plan then." Harry laughed as Alex gave him a quick hug before running out of the room yelling to Lily that Harry had said yes.

______________________________________________________________________________

Lily, Alex, and Harry had left for Diaigon Alley at around 10 o'clock. They had gone with Lily while she shopped for shoes, and then Alex had gotten bored and asked if he could go to Quality Quidditch for a bit. Harry agreed and continued with Lily to a jewelry store where she looked at pieces seeming sad.

"What's the matter, Lil?" Harry asked as the girl turned away from another glass cabinet.

Lily sighed and looked at him and gave a little smile, "I have to have some jewelry, I suppose, I only…my mother had told me I could wear her necklace, it was gold with red rubies and would have gone just perfectly, but Petunia…" Lily shook her head.

Harry wrapped an arm around her waist and smiled down at her, "Lets leave the jewelry for another day. I only came for the free ice cream anyway."

Lily blinked away tears that were starting to gather and laughed a little, "Sometimes you and James are so much alike it's scary!"

Harry gave her a squeeze and smiled to himself.

______________________________________________________________________________

By the time they returned, Sirius and James were at the table drinking butterbeers and chatting. As they came into the kitchen, Alex immediately rushed to Sirius to show him the working snitch Harry had bought for him and Lily gave James a kiss. Harry stood at the doorway for a moment watching the scene, he looked at Alex and Sirius laughing and taking turns catching the snitch. Sirius looked up and for a second their eyes met. Harry held the look until Sirius turned away and he quietly slipped out of the room.

He made his way down the hallway to the study, when he opened the door he found Remus, as expected, hunched over a piece of parchment with several books open around him. Harry sat down across from him at the table. Remus didn't even look up. Harry rummaged in the bag he had been carrying and laid the large bar of chocolate on top of the parchment Remus was writing on. He watched as Remus smiled a little before laying down his quill and looking up.

"Bribery?" Remus asked as he picked up the bar and looked at the label, he raised his eyebrows. "Expensive bribery."

Harry shrugged and Remus opened the package and broke off a piece and offering it to Harry. Harry shook his head. Remus took a bite off of it and made a dramatic expression before looking at Harry again. The stared at each other for a long moment before Harry turned his eyes to the ceiling.

"I'm not sorry for doing what I did," Harry said with more conviction than he felt, "I am sorry that it hurt you."

He turned his eyes back to Remus who had sat back in his chair.

"Dumbledore is talking about me going underground with the werewolves." Remus said casually and took another bite of the chocolate.

"I wasn't aware of that." Harry said and Remus leaned forward putting his elbows on the table.

"Harry, there is a great deal that you aren't aware of, it seems." Remus' voice was not cold or mean. "You've been spending a lot of time alone lately."

"I know." And Harry didn't meet his eyes.

"The Order has been meeting without you." Remus said and he caught Harry's eyes.

Harry tapped his fingers on the table looking at Remus.

"I see." Harry's voice was calm but internally, he was raging. "How often?"

"Twice a week."

And there it was. It was like a light shining through the great darkness that had seized his mind since he had followed Peter from the bar.

"Why are you telling me?"

"You're talking to me again." Remus said with a flippant gesture, "I went because it's the smart thing to do."

Harry stood for want of anything else to do. He moved around the study taking in the framed pictures that cluttered the walls. His eyes fell to one of Sirius and him sleeping on the sofa, every few seconds Sirius' lips would turn up into a self-satisfied smile. Harry took the picture from the wall and looked at it closely. His own image looked so open, so unprepared.

"James?" Harry asked and Remus understood, he nodded.

"Yes."

"Lily?" And he hated how weak his voice sounded when he said her name.

Remus shook his head, "She went to the first one but left when…"

Harry looked up but didn't ask the question, he wasn't sure he really wanted to know.

"Sirius?"

Remus opened his mouth but hesitated and that was all Harry needed.

"Sirius called the first meeting." Remus looked at him in a way that told Harry exactly where his loyalties lay.

He gripped the frame tighter in his hands and felt a white hot anger muting his ability to think rationally.

"Why." He didn't ask, he demanded.

"You have too many secrets."

Harry walked out of the room and was vaguely aware that Remus followed him. He didn't feel Remus' light touch on his shoulder; he didn't hear his friend say his name. He came to the kitchen and stood in the door way. Alex was no longer there, and for that Harry was thankful. James and Sirius sat at the table laughing over glasses of firewhiskey; Lily was pouring herself a glass of wine. She looked up and Harry saw a brief panic in her eyes, her eyes darted from Harry to where Remus stood behind him and with a sudden look of understanding she glanced at Sirius and James before taking a step back. Harry took the movement for what it was and nodded to her.

"Lil…do you remem—." James had started but the words died as he looked at Lily and then turned to face Harry. Like Lily, James glanced behind Harry at Remus and he stood abruptly. Sirius watched the whole scene and took a swig from his drink, but remained seated.

A few long strides took Harry to the table, James' eyes widened but he didn't move away. Harry dropped the photograph in front of Sirius and it struck the table hard enough for a crack to appear in the glass. Sirius stared down at it before meeting Harry's gaze again, with no emotion in his eyes.

There was a heavy silence in the room, and Harry's struggle to control his anger was visible in the shake of his hands.

"Harry…" It was James.

Harry slammed a fist down on the table, rattling the glasses and the picture frame and James stopped. Harry never took his eyes off Sirius'.

"You want to know my secrets?" Harry's voice was cold and he felt distanced from it. He pulled his t-shirt over his head and stood in the middle of the kitchen his chest bare, angry pink and silver scars standing out in the bright light.

He brought a hand to the scar around his neck, "This, is a gift from a werewolf, who liked to maim and kill children for sport, much like your friend Fenrir. I stepped in front of him when he went after a twelve year old girl who couldn't walk because the Death Eaters had broken her legs." He traced a hand down his right side where a thick scar ran. "This is from a Death Eater who said he had once been a healer, and knew that this cut would bleed for days before it killed me."

Sirius didn't blink, "This," he pointed to a crescent shaped scar just above his heart, "Is from a woman who took polyjuice to look like by best friend. She was rather fond of _crucio _too. This," he said pointing to a long thin scar that spread across his jaw line, "is from another Death Eater who said he was going to keep the skin of my face as a trophy."

James moved and out of the corner of his eyes he saw him make his way to Lily who was sobbing in the kitchen.

Harry turned around showing the scarring from what was once charred flesh. "This is from a group of wannabe Death Eaters, not much older than Alex. They liked to play with fire."

"I limp, because in the middle of a seemingly endless battle, I didn't have time to care about the knee cap that had been crushed when a well placed _reducto_ dropped a slab of stone on me." Harry said with a wave at his left leg.

"I know and use silent and wandless magic, because the last time I lost my wand during a fight," Harry said, "A friend of mine, who had saved my life countless times, died because of it."

Harry could feel Remus standing behind him, but he continued to stare at Sirius who had not looked away.

"I learned occulmancy and llegimency because every time someone got into my head, they knew who to kill, and who to torture." Harry said. "I fought the same battle for years, and I survived while everyone I loved died while I watched."

Sirius was gripping the table, and his knuckles were white from the effort.

"I haven't, and will not tell anyone anymore than I absolutely have to." Harry's voice was steel. "Because what I know, will, without a doubt, get you killed."

Harry felt Remus step closer to him.

"I have secrets, more than I wish for." Harry said. "And if you think that it wouldn't make me sleep easier at night to share the burden, then you are a great fool. They are not just nightmares, Sirius, and it is not out of selfishness that I keep them from you."

He waited a moment before turning and walking out of the room.

______________________________________________________________________________

Harry flooed to Dumbledore's office, when he stepped out of the flames he found the headmaster sitting at his desk, his hands steepled in front of him. Harry walked to the shelf where the Sorting Hat rested, he picked up the hat and reached inside his fingers closing around the cool hilt of the sword. He pulled it out and returned the hat.

Without another word he left the office. As he made his way down the hallway he thought about the one thing he needed right now, and the door appeared to him. He made his way through the clutter of hidden items to find the ugly bust that played host to the diadem. He held it in his hands for a moment before he set it on the floor and brought the sword down upon it. There was a screeching hiss, and a dark black liquid spilled from the crack Harry had caused. He picked it up and left the room.

When he arrived back in Dumbledore's office Remus stood in the office speaking softly to the headmaster. He threw the diadem down on the desk and dropped the sword next to it.

"What is this?" Dumbledore asked.

"It is nothing now," Harry said. "It used to house a piece of Voldemort's soul."

Dumbledore looked down at the diadem.

"You will call a meeting tonight, if you refuse, I will take Alex, and anyone else who wishes," he glanced at Remus, "And I will go as far away from this war as possible."

He turned and stepped back into the fire calling for home, as he met the old wizard's shocked expression.

______________________________________________________________________________

When he returned to the house he was only slightly surprised to find James, Sirius and Lily all sitting in the living room. He stepped from the fireplace and stood staring at them.

"Was there something else?" He asked of Sirius, who flinched at the tone.

It was James who spoke, "Peter."

"He would have betrayed you all, he would have killed you." Harry said bluntly and James stared at him.

"You killed him because of something he_ might_ have done." James asked but there was no accusation in his tone.

"No. I killed him because of what he could have done, what he was willing to do." Harry motioned to Lily, "And what he did do."

Harry walked past them and to his bedroom where he paced for several minutes before sitting on the edge of the bed staring at the photographs that lined his walls.

The door opened and Lily hovered in the doorway, Harry raised his arm and motioned for her to come in. She sat down next to him on the bed.

"I should have told you," Her tone was self-depreciating and lacking her usual confidence and fire.

Harry shrugged, "Maybe, but you had your reasons and I understand."

"You do?" Lily looked at him.

"James is going to be your husband," Harry said with a small smile, and wrapped his arm around her shoulders, "You're supposed to stand next to him, even if you don't always agree."

Lily leaned into Harry. "How is it that you seem so much older than all of us?"

"Sometimes it's the number of years that age us," Harry said. "Sometimes it is the length of them. I've had a few very long years."

_____________________________________________________________________________

Harry watched the Order members enter the meeting room from the shadow of the hallway. He felt an intense focus and determination settling in his mind. He heard muted footsteps come up behind him and had Severus pinned against the wall with one hand before the other man had a chance to speak. Harry met Severus' black eyes.

"Now who's out hunting?" Severus drawled.

"I will say this once, and only once." Harry said. "If you ever use me to hurt my friends, for your own amusement, again…I will not need a letter to hunt you down."

Harry released Severus and moved aside as the man passed him and entered the meeting room. Harry remained where he was as Albus arrived and glanced in his direction before stepping into the room. A moment later Harry followed.

Many people shifted in their chairs as Harry entered. He moved to the back of the room and turned to face the group.

"If you want to fight this war without me, you are more than welcome to." Harry said, his voice carried through the room. "I will not beg to be allowed to risk my life for this cause. But, if that is your decision, do not take the coward's way of it. There will come a day when you will realize the magnitude of your mistake, when you are finally faced with the reality of what it is you are fighting against, when you understand that you do not have the weapons to win. When your homes and family are under attack, when your children are dying, you will wonder what it is that I knew, and whether or not it would have saved them."

Harry paused and looked at the group, there were many looks that one sees adults give to petulant children.

"You do not know me, and perhaps that is reason enough for you to doubt." Harry said, "But I have my reasons for keeping quiet when I do what is pertinent I share, what is dangerous I do not."

Harry looked around and his eyes met Dumbledore's.

"Lies and discord are the greatest aide to evil, when we begin to fight wars of doubt amongst ourselves, we are doing the work of Voldemort for him." Harry said, "The choice is yours. I can leave as easily as I came."

There was a deep silence in the group, and Harry leaned against the wall and crossed his arms. Nobody spoke or moved for several minutes.

It was Lily who stood. "I will stand with you." she moved to walk towards Harry when James grabbed her hand.

"Lily…" James said with a glance at Dumbledore. Lily kissed him on the forehead before delicately removing her hand from his grasp. She came and stood next to Harry. Remus stood next and moved silently to Harry's side. Harry was surprised when Alastor Moody came to stand beside Remus, and then was quickly followed by James. Sirius stood with a graceful movement and took his time making his way to the end of the room.

"Alastor!" Dedalus Diggle broke out, "What are you thinking?"

"I will stand on the side of whoever is most interested in beating Voldemort," Moody's gravelly voice was unapologetic as always, "And the boy seems to be the only one who isn't pussyfooting around."

Cardoc Dearborn followed and stood proudly next to Mad-Eye, followed by Alice and Frank. Within a few minutes Gideon and Fabian Prewett had come, along with Dorcus Meadows, Kingsley Shaklebolt and to the surprise of the others Severus Snape.

Albus remained seated with Hagrid, Minerva, Marlene McKinnon, Benjy Fenwick, Edgar Bones, Elpias Doge, and Dedulus Diggle. Aberforth who often stood during the meetings, fell somewhere in the middle between his brother and Harry.

"This divide…is a weakness." Aberforth commented from his place.

"I couldn't agree more, Aberforth." Harry said. "But discontent and doubt will weaken us more. So I pose the question to you, Albus."

There was as huff of outrage from Dedulus Diggle and a strange glare from McGonagall at Harry's use of the headmaster's first name.

"Does the Order prefer my presence or not." Harry continued.

Albus nodded his head slightly and Harry, for the first time took a seat at the opposite end of the table from the aged wizard. Slowly the group around him sat as well.

There was a beat of silence and then Harry spoke, "Reaching out to the werewolf packs is futile, unless we can show them that the side of the light will stand with them when the war is over. Voldemort will promise them every freedom we do not offer, and he will exploit the restrictions that have already been set."

"But with Fenrir gone they are leaderless." It was the wheezing voice of Elphias Doge that spoke out.

"Fenrir's message is not dead. And his sentiments were not entirely misplaced, even if his actions were." Remus said. "Harry is right, we must have proof that we will stand with them, or they will not follow."

_____________________________________________________________________________

AN: Drama, _drama. _ What do you think?

As always you reviewers are wonderful and I love you all.


	23. We All Do

While the war continued to edge its way into the forefront, Voldemort's silence was kept. The Order was mobilizing, recruiting in a way that Dumbledore would never have allowed on his own. They were forming not just a group to defend against the oncoming attack but an army, and they did it silently. The organization of the Order had come hard and fast at Harry demand; he sought the recruitment in every area and saw to it that there was a leader to head each separate arm. Mad-Eye was recruiting aurors under the ministry's nose and bringing in those who had the passion for the job but not the studious minds to pass the stringent qualifications to be a public servant, and he trained them with James and Sirius at his side. Lily had been gathering healers and developing a system of triage response, for when they would need it, Harry had given her the idea of charmed notification coins to alert them.

Dumbledore after an explanation from Harry was working with McGonagall and several others specifically to locate and destroy the remaining horcruxes. Severus had volunteered to lead a reconnaissance team that was dedicated solely to tracking and capturing known Death Eaters. Their numbers had easily tripled and the members began to respect Harry if not for his careful deliberation and clear focus, then for his sheer conviction. The group was too large now for them all to meet together, instead those leading the separate arms met together twice a week and carried the necessary information down to their people. They were preparing now, putting systems and methods into place, so that when the time came, their strike would be shock and awe to the Death Eaters, and show their _lord_ exactly whom he was up against.

As they were preparing for one war, the Order was also waging another. It was Lily Evans who had laid the groundwork for the fight against discrimination that took Britain's wizarding world by storm only a few weeks ago, and she did it with a grace and subtly that spoke of her true genius. If you asked someone on the street, they would not be able to tell you exactly when the posters began showing up, it was as if overnight they were simply there. The first one was of a three year-old girl named Maggie Turnnet. The two foot high poster showed her smiling amicably at the photographer, and then she raised her arms forming claws with her hands and growled before bursting into happy giggles. Below the photograph it read:

MONSTER?

Below the flashing words was a ten-inch high stamp of the logo of The Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures.

There had been fourteen children who had been a part of the project, and after the initial shock over the startling juxtaposition of the word and the laughing children, a new round of posters arose. This time below each photograph there was a line of text from the new werewolf legislation. Even Harry was startled at the last round of posters, and he had taken the photographs. As he was walking down a street in Diaigon Alley he stopped in front of a full size poster of little Maggie, no happy smile this time, she sat in what looked to be a hospital room, a repressed scream on her lips and tears in her eyes as two disembodied hands held her arm down and with a silver pen burned an identification number into the skin of her tiny wrist. The poster flashed from Maggie to a photograph of Delores Umbridge, and once again below the image was written:

MONSTER?

Harry and Remus were both more than a little doubtful of what the public's response would be, and neither allowed themselves too much hope. Harry because he had a long history of bad experiences with the Ministry and Remus because he didn't dare. The posters had started a murmuring amongst the community and Harry overheard several discussions about it. And that was a start. It was James and Sirius who came up with the second step, and Harry smiled when they arrived at an Order meeting levitating boxes of t-shirts with **I DON'T BELIEVE IN MONSTERS **on the front and **REPEAL MC-2988 **on the back. At the same time the t-shirts began showing up in the crowded streets, so did pamphlets that Harry and Lily had written educating people on werewolves and providing the most gruesome excerpts from the new law, it included testimonials from parents of children who were bitten, and werewolves who had lost everything in their lives because of the prejudice. But it was Remus who set the city talking and thinking like they never had before.

He had gone to the werewolves and he had talked to them about what the Order was trying to do. He had told them to march on the Ministry and he had told them that the Order would stand with them when they did. Three days ago, four hundred and fifty werewolves, nearly half of those registered, a long with over one hundred people including members of the Order and other unaffiliated supporters stood on the steps of the Ministry and demanded an audience with the Minister. They did not receive an audience with the Minister, and many anti-werewolf minded people showed up to shout nasty words back at them. After an hour of screaming back and forth, when it looked like a riot might break between the two groups, the aurors were called in, and both sides were shocked when the men and women came to stand in front of the werewolves facing the protestors and demanded that they leave. _The werewolves and their supporters_, Mad-Eye had boomed, _had a permit to gather_. A photograph appeared the next day in the daily profit that showed aurors standing with the werewolves against the vicious protestors, the headline for the accompanying article read:

TOP LEVEL MINISTRY OFFICIALS THROW SUPPORT BEHIND WEREWOLVES EMERGENCY HEARING CALLED TO ADDRESS MC-2988

______________________________________________________________________________

Harry stood in front of the mirror smiling, for what seemed like the first time in years. He adjusted the scarlet tie he wore and smoothed down his hair. He turned away from his reflection and saw Alex struggling with his own tie, and went to help him.

"A year at Hogwarts and you still can't tie your own tie?" Harry said with a smile and a raised eyebrow.

"My dad charmed all mine to stay tied and to slip just enough to get them off when I need to." The boy's voice no longer held the sad, flatness it had when he talked about his father, there was a happy remembrance there now.

"Smart man." Harry smiled and ruffled Alex's hair. Alex huffed and turned back to the mirror trying to straighten it out. Harry turned at the sound of the door opening and closing quickly.

Sirius leaned against the door with wide, worried eyes, his hair a mess and his tie askew.

"What's the matter?" Harry asked concerned.

"Lily." Sirius said running his hands through his hair, "Eve sent me up to ask her if she needed any help…and…and."

"Well, spit it out already." Harry could feel the panic writhing in the pit of his stomach.

'She's CRYING!" Sirius burst out, "I didn't know what to do, she was just sitting there and…"

"What _did _you do?" Harry asked, already knowing the answer.

"I ran, of course." Sirius said.

"Sirius…"

"What? I came to get Moony…I figured he could handle a crying girl…" the man said with a shrug and Harry shook his head.

"Will you finish helping Alex get ready?" Harry said already moving toward the door, "I'll go. I wanted to give her something anyway."

______________________________________________________________________________

Harry came down the hall to find, James's mother Eve, Alice and Diana all huddled around the door.

"Lily, darling, open the door." Eve's soft rich voice rang out, "Please, honey."

Harry approached as Eve sighed and took a step back. She caught Harry's eyes and gave him a pleading look.

"She won't let anyone in. We can hear her crying." Diana said in a quiet, sad tone.

Harry nodded and walked to the door, he made to knock on the door but his fist was stopped by an invisible force just inches before it could reach the wood. _Smart girl._

"Lily. It's Harry." He said, and there was no response. "If you don't let me in I'm going to blow a hole through your little force field."

Silence.

"You know I will." Harry said and he raised his wand, the women around him gasped a little.

There was a moment more of silence before the door clicked and opened just a little. Harry stepped around the women and entered the room closing the door behind him.

Lily sat at Eve's dressing table her white and gold dress flowing down onto the floor, her hair was pulled back into a loose bun of ringlets and a few stray curls surrounded her face. She was the picture of beauty, but for the tears streaming down her face. She looked at Harry with a half-hearted glare.

"You're a brute, Harry Pierson." She said with a shaking voice.

"So, I've been told." He approached her and sat next to her on the bench. "You look beautiful."

She shook her head, "I'm all splotchy."

"How come?" he asked taking her petite hand in his, she turned to him and fresh tears broke out and spilled down her cheeks.

"This is not how it's supposed to be!" She said with a force of anger behind the sadness. "My mother helped me pick out this dress, I can't get the buttons done up on the back, and I'm missing something old _and_ something borrowed. And Diana and Alice don't understand why it matters, because it's stupid muggle custom."

Harry let her finish before he stood and gently pulled her to her feet. He moved behind her and began slowly hooking the tiny buttons into their holes. Lily took a deep breath and looked at herself in the mirror.

"I'm all splotchy." She said with a shake of her head.

"Come on, best witch in our year can't get rid of a few tear stains?" Harry asked as he finished with the last button. He gently unclasped the gold necklace Lily was wearing.

"What are you doing?" She asked meeting his eyes in the reflection of the mirror.

Harry reached into the pocket of his robes and gently removed a necklace. He placed it around Lily's neck and clasped it and then met her eyes once again. Lily's hand immediately found the small rubies and there was a mix of quiet surprise and muted sadness in her eyes.

"I think this can be considered both borrowed and old, don't you?"

"How did you…" Lily trailed off as she turned to face him.

"I asked politely." Harry said with a small smile.

"Harry…" There was a flash of the old head girl in her tone as she said it.

"I…may have threatened to turn Vernon into a toad." Harry said. "Are you mad?"

Lily laughed and Harry had never heard a more beautiful sound. She threw her arms around him and Harry hugged her back.

"You're a good man, Harry Pierson." She whispered in his ear.

"You're a beautiful bride, Lily Evans." He whispered back.

She pulled back from him and smiled before kissing his cheek.

"Your ladies are worried sick about you, you know?" Harry said tilting his head to the door.

"I imagine so." Lily rolled her eyes.

Harry made his way to the door but turned back when Lily called his name.

"Will you do something for me?" Her voice was strong and only slightly tinged with the earlier sadness.

"For you? Anything." Harry said.

"Walk me down the aisle."

Harry looked at her for a moment and the reality of his strange place in the world hit him like a strong gust of wind.

"I would be honored."

_____________________________________________________________________________

Under surprised looks of everyone gathered at the ceremony, Harry had walked Lily down the aisle, and kissed her cheek before stepping to the side. The vows were said, Lily smiling beautifully as James stammered through his, the rings Alex offered bouncily were exchanged and gentle sparks flew from wand tips as the new couple made their way out of the hall. They had stood for pictures for nearly an hour before appearing at Hogwarts, where the headmaster had insisted the couple host their reception. Firewhiskey, and wine flowed and the food was impeccable. A small band played wild music and the atmosphere was nothing short of electric. When it finally came for toasts, Harry laughed along with many others when Lily sent Sirius a warning glare.

"Hey, hey…It'll be all right Ev—." Sirius chuckled when James raised an eyebrow, "Well, that's going to take some getting used to."

And the entire room laughed a long with him, "I've known James since I first boarded the Hogwarts express. And since that very day, I have been hearing about the beauty and absolute wonder that is, or rather _was _Lily Evans. Yes, from the moment she first cursed him James was absolutely smitten. He spent the next six years learning all of the ways _not _to impress her and provided a great deal of amusement to everyone else. I think at our last count James had asked her out at least 1400 times and not gotten a single, _yes. _It took him a while, but James finally got the girl of his dreams. Much to many people's surprise. Lily and James together can attest that the road of love is not always easily traveled, there are curses and disagreements, and mistakes" Sirius' eyes caught Harry's and held them for a moment before continuing, "But, nothing worth anything is easy. And there is no doubt that the two of them deserve all the happiness in the world."

"To Lily and James Potter," Sirius said and smiling down on his friends, "May they have many children whom I can corrupt."

There was a sprinkle of laughter as Sirius raised his glass. Alice gave a very heartfelt but dramatic speech detailing the great tale of how Lily Evans had once hated James Potter. They had all toasted the bride and groom and then Lily and James had gotten up to dance.

When James beckoned Eve to the dance floor, Lily's searching eyes found Harry and held a hand out. Harry stood and made his way to her, catching James' smile and his mouthed 'thank you'. Harry twirled Lily around the floor dramatically and made a point to keep from stepping on her toes. She looked up at him and smiled broadly.

"Thank you." She whispered.

"For what?"

"Coming into our lives…just when we needed you the most." She said and kissed his cheek once again before allowing James to drag her away.

______________________________________________________________________________

Harry stepped out into the cool July night, and loosened his tie. He took in the stars and pulled out a cigarette as he watched two slightly swaying forms make their way toward him.

"Harry!" Remus' voice was just a bit too free for him to be sober and Harry laughed as his friend approached, "We were just taking a quick trip down memory lane."

Harry glanced at Sirius quickly before turning his eyes back to his friend, "Having a good time?"

"So much to celebrate!" Remus said and pulled away from Sirius and enveloping Harry in a tight hug.

"Yes there is." Harry said with a smile. "I saw Audra in there, she didn't look to have a date."

Remus straightened a bit, "Oh, Harry. It has been much too long for all that."

"You never know," Harry squeezed the other man's shoulder and offered him a wink.

"You think?" Remus glanced back at the entrance to the hall, "Perhaps, I ought to just say hello."

"That would be the polite thing." Harry said stifling the laughter welling up inside him.

"Yes, yes." Remus said moving away from them, "I'll just be right back."

Harry smiled as he watched his friend walk away.

"I can imagine the lecture we'll be getting in the morning," Sirius' voice was soft, " 'How could you let me make a fool out of myself like that?!'" he said in his best Remus voice.

Harry smiled, "By the way she was looking at him all night, I think I'll be demanding a thank you."

They fell off into a casual silence, over the month they had come to an unexpressed agreement between them. It was as if they had invented a different history for themselves, a history where they didn't love each other, where they hadn't hurt each other, and had fallen into an easy friendship, but Harry had known, even as it was happening, that it wouldn't last. And he, now, felt their careful ignorance cracking under the pressure of such a perfect display of love realized. Harry could feel the mangled thoughts rolling off Sirius like waves.

"Moody came to me the other day." Sirius said as he and Harry looked out across the grounds, the sounds of the party behind them muting, like everything did when they were together.

"About Regalus?" Harry said pushing his hands into his pockets.

"Yes." Sirius rubbed the back of his neck with his hand, both of them keeping their eyes forward. "He wanted to let me know, that he was on their list."

"He's what… seventeen now?" Harry said.

"In August."

Harry shook his head.

"My mother's pride and joy," Sirius' voice was cold, "All grown up and joining the Death Eaters before he can buy firewhiskey legally."

Harry said nothing, because he could tell that Sirius was not finished.

"I protected him you know." Sirius said as he walked away from Harry and sat down along the stone ledge. "The darkest of the secrets of the Black family."

Sirius laughed and it was a cold unnerving sound.

"When Allan told you at Christmas about me coming to live with the Potters, he was right on, for the most part, down to the word with my introduction."

Harry didn't face him, it was like watching a train wreck from a great distance. You could run toward it, you could yell out, but ultimately it was going to happen and you could only watch. Harry knew what Sirius would say before he did, and he didn't want to hear the words.

"What he didn't say was that I could hardly stand. That my right arm was broken, and a couple of ribs." Sirius showed no emotion still, "What he didn't say was that it wasn't the first time I had fallen across his doorstep with what little I could stuff into my bag. It was just the first time my father, the Great Orion Black was not there to drag me home a few days later."

Sirius was silent a moment.

"I protected Regalus, for a while, until he learned how to deflect the attention," Sirius said, "Until he learned whose side he had to be on to survive. I went back, every time. And I protected him until he didn't need or want protecting any more. And then…I left him there with them, and now look at what he's become."

Harry looked at Sirius for the first time.

"Regalus has made his own decisions." Harry said, "We all do."

"Yes. We do."

And Harry could see their carefully placed façade crumbling around them as Sirius' eyes clouded over and he searched for the right words, and Harry didn't want to be there when it fell, but he didn't want to be anywhere else either.

"I don't know how to stop loving you, either." Sirius said.

Harry said nothing for a moment and Sirius sighed.

"I think…Sirius…that whatever our feelings may be." Harry started and he turned to face Sirius, "That we don't really know each other."

Sirius' eyes crashed into his and there was a panic and a guilt to his look.

"I think…we don't really know _why_ we love each other." Harry continued, "And because of that, we don't know how not to hurt each other."

Sirius looked away.

"Forgiveness is easy enough, Sirius, if you want to give it." Harry took a step toward the other man. "But it will be an endless cycle of pain and forgiveness for us. There will be plenty enough pain to come, lets not add to it."

Sirius stood and moved toward Harry, and Harry allowed himself to be pulled into an embrace. There was a longing, a sadness, and a strange breaking desire to it. Harry pulled back, kissed Sirius gently and walked away, letting the sounds of the party surround him and drown the chill that had settled somewhere deep inside of him.

______________________________________________________________________________

It was an interesting combination of factors that had led to Toby Davidson, the Ravenclaw boy who had drove Sirius into a jealousy that resulted in his great admission of feeling, sitting next to Harry at a dinner hosted by Dumbledore for key Order members. Harry's reputation had taken a strange rollercoaster and gone from a fearful mistrust, to a nearly fearful respect and awe. Harry wasn't sure why or how this had happened, but now, with James and Lily on holiday and Sirius giving him a ten-foot radius of personal space, he found that the others were either too nervous or too uncomfortable to sit next to him. Remus sat on his left, and Sirius on Remus' left, the chair to Harry's right a glaring empty space at the table. Dumbledore sat at one end of the table and Harry at the other, it had become common practice for them, in Harry's mind it allowed Dumbledore to remain symbolically at the head, without putting Harry in a position of submission.

Harry was drawn in to a conversation with Mad-Eye who sat across from him, Harry imagined so that he could better observe him and so that it would be more difficult for Harry to get close to the man's food.

"You keep saying, that Pierson. But I'm not sure I agree." Moody said with a casual glance up and down the table. "I still think we need to strike first, send a body blow. Let them reel from it, give us a chance to keep building."

Harry took a sip of his butterbeer.

"I _would _agree with you, except that we don't know where the body is at the moment." Harry said, "The best we could manage without further information is to amputate a limb, and in the process we would be showing too many of our cards."

Moody narrowed his eyes in the direction of the empty chair next to him and Harry turned just as Toby sat down next to him. Harry recalled the soft auburn hair, and dark brown eyes that he remembered Remus cheekily referring to as rich chocolate brown. His hair was shaggy but well managed and he had a delicacy to his features that made them strong but graceful. His skin was pale and unblemished, and he smiled.

"Hello, Harry." Toby's voice was deep and had a soft strength to it. "Been a while."

Harry nodded, "I think the last time we actually spoke your last words were 'damn it Pierson"

The man chuckled and Harry was caught up in the sound.

"I believe that is because you had just bound me up with your favorite little vine spell, _and _taken my wand." Toby said with a smile.

"You were one of the few in the class, ever to beat me you know." Harry said returning the smile.

"Yes, but I can't take complete credit. I do believe, Black had said something to you that threw you a bit."

Harry glanced down at Sirius trying to recall what the words had been, when he returned his eyes to Toby he found the man had followed his gaze, and raised his eyebrow.

Dumbledore stood and waited as the conversations around him died down.

"Tonight, we come together to make quick report and to enjoy some good food." Dumbledore said with a smile, and a wave of his hand that caused the table to be filled with food. "There's no reason we can't do both at the same time, Alastor will you begin then."

Moody waited until the tinkle of silverware died down a bit, and everyone seemed to be settled with their plates filled, before he spoke.

"We have now about 25 willing, and trained to fight. We are currently reviewing five more." Moody said, "Overall things look promising."

"And when will we strike?" Fabian Prewett spoke up.

"Harry and I have just been discussing it. And while, I would like to be able to make the first move against them, without further information on the organization and location of the Death Eaters, the risk of exposing our members is not worth the small victory we would achieve."

There was a murmur down the table, and Harry rolled his eyes when Dedulus Diggle spoke up. He heard Toby chuckle a little next to him.

"Forgive me…" Dedulus' voice rang out, "But doesn't this sit and wait method seem to be, how was it put, 'pointing fingers' and little else?"

Harry wanted to scream, he'd had about enough of his words being thrown back at him by people who didn't understand the implications of what they were saying. Harry sat his butterbeer down a little harder than necessary and the loud crack it made echoed.

"There is a difference, Diggle, between taking action for action's sake, and taking wise action. That difference is usually measured in lives." Harry let the silence fall, as his eyes locked on Dedulus who squirmed a bit. "It is better to train and be prepared, than to act rashly and deliver to ourselves a fatal blow."

Dedulus dropped his eyes to his plate, the awkward silence that followed stretched on until Dumbledore spoke again.

"Severus, Moody says we need further information. Can you tell us what we've gained?"

Severus sat a few seats down on Dumbledore's right and gave the headmaster a curt nod.

"We've been able to get photographs, and names of over thirty known Death Eaters. We are waiting on the word to move on them," Severus said, "I have also, with some assistance, been able to locate a meeting place for a great many of what we believe to be members of Voldemort's inner circle."

There were whispers and nods of approval.

"Where is the meeting place?" Sirius spoke out, "What are the odds we can infiltrate it?"

Severus gave Sirius a glare but answered his question, "Malfoy Manor."

The two words answered both questions and while a strained silence fell across the table, Harry wanted to laugh at the impressed whistle that came from Toby.

"How close are we to locating a base of operations for them?" Edgar Bones spoke this time.

"We have been able to rule out many places but the precautions they take to keep it unidentified are impressive."

Dumbledore nodded.

"I'll speak for Lily Evans here, she has developed a team of Healers who will respond at a moments need and who are willing if necessary, to enter the fray to save lives. Furthermore, it is the success of her campaign that resulted in the downfall of MC-2988 and Remus' efforts that have brought us closer to convincing the werewolf packs, if not to join the side of the light, than to remain unaffiliated."

There was a smattering of applause and Harry saw Remus duck his head and blush.

"Remus can you tell us of your other news?" Dumbledore said.

"Yes, well. I would like to introduce to those of you who are unfamiliar, Tobias Davidson. He and I have been working closely together at the Institute. Our current project is one that I believe…if we can accomplish it, will change the nature of this war. Toby, would you?"

Harry turned his attention to the man next to him, and he laughed with the others as Toby held up a hand asking for a moment while he finished swallowing a mouthful of food.

"My apologies. As Remus put it, the research we are doing now could very well change this war, and the wizarding world itself. We are currently working on the development of a shield charm that would block Avada Kedavra."

There was a hush amongst the table and then a great eruption of words. Toby allowed the members to wear out their surprise, with a patience that reminded Harry of Dumbledore.

"How is that even possible?" Dorcus Meadows asked with clear disbelief in her tone.

Toby glanced at Harry, "Well, Remus brought to my attention a spell that Harry performed, that saved hundreds of lives on the platform. It is old magic, a shield charm called _parietis diligo_. There isn't much available on how it works, but Remus mentioned to me that he had seen it not completely block but _slow down_ the killing curse on the platform."

Harry was not surprised when everyone at the table's eyes fell on him.

"I don't believe it." Benjy Fenwick spoke out, "It can't be done."

"Shall we give a demonstration then?" Toby said standing and looking at Harry, clearly the man was not about to back down from this challenge. "Harry?"

Harry rubbed his hand across his chin before standing, and setting his napkin on the table. He followed as Toby led him to the right of the table about ten paces.

"You can perform it alone, yes?" He asked drawing his wand.

"Yes. It will not be quite as strong."

"Excellent," There was an experimental excitement in his eyes that lit them up like flames. "Do you mind me shooting a killing curse at you, then?"

Harry shrugged.

"When you're ready." Toby said with a nod.

Harry stepped a few steps behind him and dropped his hands to his side. He gathered to him his emotions from receiving guardianship of Alex, participating in Lily and James' wedding to him.

"_parietis diligo" _He whispered and felt the familiar heat in his hands. He brought his hands up, palms out, directly in front of him. He watched the air in front of him ripple, and then he pushed out all of the emotion he had collected. The air shimmered in front of him, and the shield extended about three feet on either side of him. He felt his heart speed up, and the sweat on his brown. He met eyes with Toby and gave a nod.

"Avada Kedavra!" Toby's words echoed across the hall, and there was a burst of outrage as several people stood but didn't move, their eyes transfixed as the jet of green light shot towards Harry, the spell did slow noticeably as it reached the shield, but Harry had to drop the shield and drop to the ground to avoid the impact. There were a few sharp gasps and then silence as Harry picked himself up off the floor. Without thinking about it Harry pulled out his wand and sent a binding spell at Toby, who fell to the ground. Harry walked over to him and looked down at Toby's slightly amused expression.

"You could have sent that spell anywhere at the shield you know." Harry said.

"Of course, but what fun would that have been?" Harry shook his head, removed the binds and helped Toby to his feet. There was a moment between them before they turned at the sound of Dedulus Diggle's voice ringing out once again.

"That must be _dark_ magic." Diggle said and several people looked at Harry with wide eyes.

"Oh do shut up already, Diggle." Harry retorted and sat at his chair, only Toby and Severus Snape laughed.

Toby patted his shoulder and turned to Diggle. "Actually, the spell is quite the opposite. The magic behind the spell is similar to that of a Patronus, only requiring much stronger emotions. Love, Loyalty, Compassion."

There was a murmuring amongst the members. Harry took a long drink of his butterbeer.

"So, as you have seen there is something to be gained from this spell. And with Harry's help there is real hope that we can come up with something that would save many lives." Remus said. "Toby will be heading this project while I am traveling to speak with the pack leaders over the next month or so."

Harry looked over at Remus who smirked and gave Harry an exaggerated wink. As dinner finished and the members cleared out, Harry stood at the doorway to the hall waiting for Remus who was speaking with Dumbledore. Harry's eyes fell on Sirius who was talking with Alice, Frank and Moody.

"There were rumors, amongst some of us, about you and the notorious Sirius Black." Toby said as he came up beside Harry. He laughed when Harry raised an eyebrow. "Oh come on, Harry, the man hasn't got a discreet bone in his body. He was sending me glares all night long."

"Of course he was." Harry said.

"A lot of people could never understand why everyone was so obsessed with him." Toby said, "But he is an enigma. Full of power, and recklessness, not to mention he's easy on the eyes. He's the kind of man who refuses any normal affection, and that makes people want to give it to him more."

Harry watched Sirius and nodded.

"I'd imagine though, that the fight of it interested you more than anything else. The struggle to get him to care, the struggle to not become submissive to him." Toby said, "But it seems you aren't quite up for adding more battles to your life."

"What makes it say that?" Harry said, putting his hands in his pockets.

"Because I was allowed to sit next to you." Toby said.

Sirius broke away from the group of aurors and made his way toward the exit.

"Not all relationships have to be wars in themselves, Harry." Toby said as Sirius passed them without a word. Harry turned to face him. "Have a drink with me."

______________________________________________________________________________

AN: Alright, so wayyy back in the beginning several of you brought up my timeline and the prophecy. At the time, the story was heading in a much different direction. I may however be altering the original timeline and taking your advice on placing the prophecy in 1979. We'll see. I'll keep you updated.

THOUGHTS? I love you, please review. What do we think of Toby? What shall I do with him? I knew when I wrote him in way back at the start that he would come back, but shall he stay for a bit?


	24. Deductive Reasoning

AN: Alright, so as previously mentioned the timeline will be changing. The prophecy has not been made yet, and will not be made until such a times as makes sense for it to still be referring to the Longbottoms' and Potters' sons. You were right, it makes more sense that way.

A lot happens in this chapter, and we've skipped forward a month or so, and yes Alex is already at Hogwarts. I know some of you will ask why I don't show the whole Hogwarts Express thing again, but quite honestly it's been done…sooo much.

PS. This chapter is not where I initially intended to go with this. But there were some requests from reviewers for some action. So here we go.

____________________________________________________________________________

Harry was angry.

He stood with his back against a tree and took a deep breath. He listened to the sounds around him selectively, tuning out the closest sounds, his own heart beat, Toby's heavy breathing and the rustling of the leaves beneath the feet of the small group he had brought with him. The screams were familiar, and they no longer jarred him the way they should. He listened and then he heard it,_ a loud maniacal laugh carrying above the screams. _

"Harry…" Toby's deep whisper was just to his left. "What's the plan?"

The leaves rustled some more.

"All right. Here's how we do it. We're going to end this as quick as possible." Harry said, "Lily, you and Elise…"

"Elsa." Came a small whisper and Harry resisted the urge to snap at the young healer.

"Right. You hand out those portkeys as quickly as possible," Harry said. "I don't care if they're screaming, crying, breathing or not. Shove the portkey in their hand and let St. Mungos sort them out."

"Okay." Lily said with a note of determination in her voice that raised Harry's suspicions.

"No, detours Lily. You understand me?"

"I got it."

"Good. Sirius, James, and Fabian you go around the left. Alice, Frank and Gideon you take the right. I don't care how you do it, but take as many down as possible. Keep moving. Don't stop to help anyone who's down that's what Lily and Elsa are here for. When they get distracted, and they will, take them down as quickly as possible."

"Right." Coming from James.

"All right. Go on. Me, Toby and Remus will follow." Harry said and watched as they took off at a run. He could see the dark shapes of Remus and Toby in the moonlight that was peaking through the trees.

"Voldemort is here." Harry said.

"Shit." Toby whispered back.

"I need the two of you to cover me as best you can" Harry asked.

"What are you going to do Harry…" There was disapproval in Remus' tone.

"I'm going to introduce myself."

______________________________________________________________________________

Harry did not run into the battle, he walked. Remus was at his left and Toby at his right. Harry glanced around and saw Lily and Elsa running in zigzags across the manicured lawn, throwing out curses, every few feet they bent down and a body would disappear. The carnage was incredible, the Death Eaters were playing with their food. Remus and Toby shot out curses and threw out shields and Harry stunned four Death Eaters before he caught sight of his goal. Harry smiled a little, and cast _sonorous _on himself.

"Tom Riddle…what would your _mother _think?" Harry's voice exploded out, overtaking the shouts of curses and the screams of pain. And Voldemort, looking slightly more human than Harry had ever seen him turned with fire in his eyes and a checked surprise on his face. He withdrew his wand and Harry glanced down at his victim, Jeremiah something…only two weeks into the order. Harry continued to approach.

"There is no one by that name here boy," Voldemort's voice boomed without a sonorous and Harry continued making his way towards the man.

"Forgive me, Tom _Junior._" They stood now only a few yards apart and Harry could sense the distraction of the Death Eaters as they watched their master face off with this bold stranger. _Now. _He thought and was glad when he heard a chorus of stunning spells erupt from the strangely quiet battleground.

Harry kept his eyes on Voldemort and could sense his unease, this was just what Harry was hoping for. He removed the sonorous spell and stood tapping his wand lazily against his thigh.

"Go now." He whispered under his breath to Remus and Toby and was glad when they didn't argue but took off running into the fray that had continued once again.

Voldemort's right hand twitched and Harry noticed by the time he had brought it up and the red light was on its way Harry had already raised his shield.

"Avada Kedavra!" Harry shouted and Voldemort stepped to the side with ease.

"Not such a child after all," The wizard drawled out before sending the same back at Harry. Harry dropped into a crouch and felt the heat of the spell fly over him.

_Reducto_, and the ground in front of Voldemort exploded , but not before a jet of red light was sent in Harry's direction it hit him on his right shoulder and Harry felt the blood trickling down his arm more than he felt the pain. As the air cleared Voldemort apparated just a few feet in front of Harry, and hit him with a cutting spell that caused him to drop his wand.

"Accio wand." Voldemort said and when he held Harry's wand in his hand, he twirled it in his fingers. "Tell me, what do you know about Tom Riddle?"

Harry shrugged and raised an eyebrow. "You know, _Tom_, your penchant for mid-battle conversations is going to be your downfall."

"CRUCIO!" Voldemort screamed out, and Harry leapt to the side. He raised his hand and the tree behind Voldemort exploded.

"You have enough Death Eaters to spare a few tonight, I'm sure." Harry said. "But are you sure the ones I'm taking with me will keep your secrets?"

Voldemort sent three curses in a row, Harry raised his shield but it was no match for the killing curse that whistled by his ear. Harry sent his own in response, and Voldemort stepped away from it. Harry watched as the man surveyed the grounds and shouted out just before he apparated away.

"Accio wand!" Harry's wand flew into his hand. And he turned to face the battle. He watched as the Death Eaters gripped their left arms and apparated away within minutes. Leaves crunched beneath his feet, and he stepped over corpses mutilated beyond recognition as he crossed the yard and made his way up the steps of Malfoy Manor.

______________________________________________________________________________

The inside of the house was a battleground as well, large scorch marks and holes littered the walls. Harry walked down the hallway opening doors with his wand drawn. He came to a door at the end of the hallway and pushed it open. He stepped into the room and his eyes were immediately drawn to the far corner where Narcissa Malfoy stood. Her face was the picture of fear as she watched Harry approach.

"Where is your husband?" Harry asked. Narcissa said nothing but he saw a tear trace it's way down her cheek. "Off with his friend then, I suppose."

Narcissa remained silent and she didn't move.

Harry raised his wand and she flinched "Accio Tom Riddle's Diary!" Harry shouted and a book flew from the shelf into his hand. He looked down on it and smiled back at the terrified woman. He moved toward her and held the book out to her and she took it with shaking hands.

"This book is going to get you and your husband killed." Harry said, "I will come back for it, and you need to make sure it is still here. Because if it isn't, I will not protect you when the time comes."

He leaned in close to her.

"This will be our secret." Harry said and Narcissa nodded slightly.

Harry left the room, and for the first time the pain of his wounds rose up. He made it through the hall and back outside before he had to grab the railing of the front stairs to keep from falling. Sirius and James were suddenly at his side.

"Harry? Are you all right?" James said and then took note of the profuse bleeding from his shoulder and his arm, "LILY!"

Sirius stood gripping Harry's left side to keep him steady. Harry looked up at him.

"Go to Dumbledore, tell him I want Moody and the rest of the heads at the meeting place within the hour." Harry said forcefully and Sirius nodded before stepping back and apparating.

Lily came up and forced him to sit down on the stairs. She pressed a cloth against the bleeding on his shoulder and was reaching to her bag when Harry gripped her wrist.

"I can take care of this. I want you to go to St. Mungos and do a head count then get to headquarters." Lily was about to protest but Harry raised his hand. "Go."

Lily gave him a scathing look but packed up her bag and pulled out a portkey and disappeared. James was standing in front of Harry his eyes glued to the destruction that lay before them.

"James." Harry said. "James. Get everyone together and get back to headquarters. I want you to find me whoever was second in command tonight, I want to talk to him before anyone else does."

"You weren't kidding were you?" James' voice was a low whisper, "When you said that they aimed to cause as much pain before death as possible."

Harry sighed and watched Toby and Remus approach. "No. I wasn't. And this is not the worst of it."

James nodded before heading off, he stopped by Remus and Toby and spoke with them briefly before walking in the direction of a huddled group of Order members.

"This was a bloodbath, Harry." Toby commented as they reached him.

"Yes." Harry stood and Remus reached out to help him. "Let's get back to headquarters. I'll need to side along, I might splinch myself otherwise."

______________________________________________________________________________

When they arrived outside the wards of the headquarters Harry had to take a minute to steady himself. He looked at Remus.

"Will you heal this for me?" He asked.

"Harry…you should really let Lily…" Remus began.

"Remus, do I look like I care if it scars?" Harry said, "Just…please."

Remus nodded and waved his wand over the cuts on Harry's arm. Toby reached into his pocket and handed him a vial of yellow-orange potion.

"It'll take the edge off." He said at Harry's look.

"You always carry around a vial of pain killer in your pocket?" Harry said.

"Only since I started hanging around you." Toby retorted with a wink.

Harry raised the vial in a mock toast before swallowing it.

"Shall we?" he said and walked forward through the wards. As he did the run-down mansion came into view and he saw James, Lily, and a young blonde man standing just outside the door.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Harry remained outside the house, the pain in his arm barely muted by the potion Toby had given him. He was attempting to suffocate his anger a bit before he had to speak to the Order. He stood when he saw the swooping figure of Severus cross the wards. Severus came to a stop and glanced over Harry.

"Well, well. I can't say that it lacked _flourish_." Severus said with a dark smile.

"Have you spoken with your friend lately." Harry asked and Severus ran a hand through his hair.

"He's getting nervous, especially after tonight." Severus said.

"Does he want out?" Harry asked.

"He never wanted in." Severus said coldly.

"That choice was made." Harry returned, "What did you get from him?"

"Voldemort was unprepared for this, he's called a meeting of the Inner Circle." Severus said.

"Good for now." Harry said, "Lets go in."

______________________________________________________________________________

Harry followed Severus into the meeting room. He didn't sit, he walked to the back of the room and stood with his hands resting on the table. Several people fidgeted under his silent gaze.

"Moody, explain to me how this happened." Harry said letting his eyes fall on the aged auror.

"Pierson, now is not a time to be laying blame." Dumbledore spoke and a few nodded in agreement.

"On the contrary, I think it is just the time. Lily," Harry glanced at her, "Can you give everyone the numbers, please."

Lily sat up straighter, "Eight dead, sixteen wounded. On our side. We caught Nott, but the rest apparated away. There were no fatalities on their side."

"Moody tell me where Nott was on your priority list." Harry said giving Lily nod, Moody didn't speak. "James?"

James looked from Harry to Moody and sighed, "He wasn't considered dangerous enough to be on our priority list, nor did we think he was close enough to the inner circle to divulge any information we couldn't get from other sources."

"Severus?"

"According to my source, Nott was low-level and was not involved in any of the high profile attacks." Severus spoke up.

"Kingsley, what are the chances of getting a conviction on Nott to stick?" Harry asked.

"We'll hold him on smaller charges, his maximum sentence will be six months, if he pleads guilty to assault of a Ministry official." Kingsley's deep voice rang out with a tenseness that Harry understood.

"Eight Dead, Sixteen wounded." Harry repeated, "And we got Theodore Nott, for maybe six months."

Harry remained silent for a moment and his eyes once again met with Alastor's.

"So tell me, Alastor. How did this happen?" Harry's voice was quiet but there was a menace to it.

"I don't know." The auror said, but it was a struggle for him to do so.

"Of course you don't." Harry said, "Because, as we all know, you were on duty all night, which I imagine from what James and Sirius tell me, consists of a desk at the Ministry and a pile of paperwork. But someone here does, and you can be a coward and hold your tongue because I spoke with Gilbert Jorgenson a few minutes ago and I _already know._"

There was a silence as eyes darted from person to person, Harry met eyes with Dumbledore and there was a challenge in Harry's gaze, when Dumbledore nodded his head, Harry continued.

"Dedulus, tonight you have some news to deliver." Harry said and he turned to the scrawny man. "Eight families are going to wonder why their husbands, brothers, sisters, or children are not coming home tonight."

"We've known about Malfoy Manor for over a MONTH!" Dedulus broke out.

Harry crossed his arms.

"Jorgenson tells me, Dedalus that you've been holding little meetings of your own." Harry said with a sideways glance at Moody who looked about ready to explode. "A kind of welcome to the Order club, for the new recruits, but only the ones with a real taste for danger. Apparently your speeches about honor and sacrifice were quite moving."

"You've KNOWN they were meeting there! And you did nothing! Something needed to be done!" Dedulus shot out now on his feet, red faced and panting.

"Yes, I knew. We all knew. And there was a reason we did nothing," Harry said and his voice was icy. "We knew they were meeting there but weren't able to determine who, or how many or if Voldemort was there."

"But you FOUGHT him. Clearly you could have…" Dedulus shot out.

"You have no idea, what your foolish, power-hungry actions have cost us tonight." Harry said, "These eight lives, are just the beginning of what will be lost as a result of this blunder."

Dedulus looked shaken and took a step back, "What do you mean?"

"Sirius, James, Lily, Remus, Toby and the Prewetts along with all of the members who didn't die at Malfoy's are now known members of a group that threatens Voldemort's power." Harry said keeping his eyes glued to the stricken man in front of him, "We have lost anonymity and the element of surprise before we could afford to. We are no longer the hunters in this game."

"YOU LET HIM GO!" Dedulus shouted out. "They all said you let him go, you could have killed him or at least continued to fight."

"He would not have died, even if I had hit him with a killing curse three times over. And I am of no use to any of you dead." Harry said.

"You are a fool, Dedulus." Moody finally found his voice. "A damn fool."

______________________________________________________________________________

Harry and Toby walked down the darkened street towards Mercer Street. The fall air had started to chill but had not yet become uncomfortable. They didn't speak and Harry still trying to tame his anger was lost in his head when he felt Toby squeeze his arm gently. Harry looked at him and noticed they were standing on the steps to his house.

"I'm sorry, I was in my head for a bit there." Harry said rubbing hand on the back of his neck.

"I know." There was something strange in Toby's voice but Harry couldn't place it.

"You want to come in for a drink?" He said as he started up the stairs, but Toby grabbed his hand and Harry turned around, Harry stepped back down so they were facing each other.

"We've been doing this for almost two months now, Harry." Toby said. "The company is great, believe me. It's just…"

"Toby…" Harry started, but Toby shook his head.

"Look, I know that you love him." Toby said and Harry felt his walls start falling back into place, "I know that you love him and maybe he's it for you. But I would not be able to forgive myself if I didn't at least put this out there."

"Toby…"

"Harry, you aren't with him for a reason. Maybe it's until he gets his feelings in order, or maybe it's until you get yours in order. I don't know and I don't care." Toby's voice was not emotional, it was not cold, there was a pure honesty to it that Harry was unfamiliar with.

Harry didn't move or speak, it struck him suddenly that he was still holding Toby's hand.

"All I know, is that I like the way your mind works, I like that you are unbearably self-sacrificing, I like that you have all of these secrets but still manage to be honest, I like that you drink firewhiskey at six in the morning and aren't a drunk, and that you think sneaking off to the muggle cinema is a grand adventure in the midst of all this chaos." Toby said and there was a tentative smile on his lips, "I'm not asking you to love me, or saying that I love you but I want to spend time with you. I want to be a part of your little world, and I want to— ."

Harry pulled Toby forward and kissed him without hesitation. Toby's lips were soft but the force behind them was strong, and he smelled like cinnamon and cold air. And they continued to kiss, and their hands roamed and finally they broke apart breathing hard.

"I was getting to that part," Toby said breathlessly and Harry laughed as he led him inside.

When they came in Harry turned back and kissed him again before heading toward the stairway, Toby went ahead of him on the stairs and Harry glanced behind him to find Sirius coming out of the kitchen with James and Remus close behind. Harry met Sirius' eyes and did not look away, until Toby whispered his name. He looked back at the auburn haired boy who had a soft smile on his lips and took the hand Toby offered.

______________________________________________________________________________

October 1, 1978

_Harry,_

_I can't wait to see you next month! Professor Duley said you would be coming up to teach the practicals, which is good because his lectures are about as tolerable as Professor Binns'. Did you know that Professor Marsh is retiring? She's gone a bit mad if you ask me. Classes are alright, tell Remus that of course I am definitely studying. _

_There's a girl here, Helena, who lost both parents last week to the Death Eaters, but don't worry the Ministry doesn't have to find her a home, her grandma came to visit. She and I talk sometimes, I think it helps her._

_I went and had tea with Hagrid yesterday, he is going on about getting a dragon again. He got roughed up by something in the forest but wouldn't tell me what, he looks in a bad way. You should tell Lily to come visit him, he won't go to see Pomfrey and he's got a wicked looking cut that he sealed up with spell-o-tape. _

_All on all, I'm alright. What's going on with you? The fight at the Malfoy house was in the paper, are you okay? Tell James the picture they took of him makes him look like a toad. _

_See you!_

_Alex_

_P.S. Sirius mentioned somebody named Toby._

_P.P.S. Sirius seems sad in his letters. _

_P.P.P.S . I think there might be a connection._

Harry laughed and set the letter on the table, taking a drink of his coffee.

"What's so funny?" Toby said as he wrapped his arms around Harry's shoulders, and Harry pulled the letter forward so Toby could read.

"Ah, well, the power of deductive reasoning." Toby said kissing him on the cheek and moving to the icebox. "So, can I come visit you at Hogwarts then?"

Harry laughed. "I suppose."

"Mmm. Professor Pierson, detention never sounded so…" Toby stuck his head behind the door of the icebox and Harry only heard mumbling. Harry got up and closed the door and Toby let him.

"It's Sunday." Harry said.

"Yes I know." Toby said and he leaned against he ice box and looked at Harry.

"Stay for breakfast." Harry said and pushed some of the shaggy brown hair out of the other boy's face.

"We talked about this," Toby said moving away from him. Harry turned.

"No, you talked about it."

Toby poured himself a cup of coffee. "I'm not really interested in parading around on your arm."

"You know it's not like that. They're the only family I have," Harry said, "I feel like I'm leading a double life here."

Toby sighed, which was a rare behavior for him, but when he met Harry's eyes he smiled. "Can you promise Sirius will behave?"

"No."

"I'm going to go into the office early." Toby said, "I think I'm really starting to make headway on the spell…"

"Toby…"

"You say my name like that and I always cave." Toby said wagging a finger at Harry. "Not this time. I'm going."

"Come on don't be such a coward." Harry smiled when Toby glared at him.

"Below the belt, Pierson." Toby retorted and Harry shrugged.

"I like it down there." Harry threw him a wink and Toby tried very hard not to smile.

"You…"

"Harry!" Lily shouted as she entered the kitchen, "Toby! Hey! Staying for breakfast?"

Toby's eyes narrowed at Harry.

Harry smiled. "Lily has to work a half-shift this afternoon, she asked us to move breakfast up."

Remus came in, "Did I hear a fair lady's delicate voice?"

Lily stuck her tongue out at Remus, who turned to Toby and Harry and raised an eyebrow.

"Finally making an honest man of him, I see." Remus said as he moved around Lily and began making tea.

Breakfast was nearly ready when Sirius and James showed up. Lily was trying to show Toby how to make perfectly brown pancakes, while Harry laughed and Remus set the table.

"I swear if I never have to sign my name to another--." Sirius stopped half-way into the kitchen causing James to bump into him. "Toby…Staying for breakfast then?"

Toby turned and he and Sirius stared at each other long enough for black smoke to begin rising off the pancake Toby was supposed to be watching. Harry caught the satisfied smirk Sirius gave before he slouched into a chair at the table next to James. Remus served them coffee.

"How was work?" Lily called from her place at the stove.

"Pretty dull." James said glancing cautiously at Sirius.

"Oh James, I got a letter from Alex. He says to tell you the picture in the Prophet made you look like a toad." Harry said with a wide grin.

"Sweet kid." James said and everyone laughed but Sirius.

______________________________________________________________________________

As they finished eating, Harry was astounded by Toby's ability to diffuse tense situations. Sirius said barely two words, but everyone else was drawn into his amiable conversation. As Harry stood and began collecting the plates, Sirius stood as well. Toby sent Harry a questioning glace and Harry shook his head. Harry moved into the kitchen and Sirius followed with the rest of the dishes.

They stood at the sink, washing the dishes the muggle way for several minutes while the rest of the group chatted at the table.

"Why is he here." Sirius said in a low whisper.

"Because I tricked him into staying." Harry whispered back.

"You shouldn't…" Sirius started and Harry slammed the plate in his hands down into the sink, breaking it into several pieces.

"You, don't get to tell me what I shouldn't do." Harry said still whispering but with an angry force. "You don't get to avoid me, and glare at me, and write sad letters to Alex…and then come here and tell me what I shouldn't do."

"Harry…" Sirius said and Harry didn't want to hear the apology in his voice.

"Three months Sirius." Harry said, "Of you acting like we never met. You don't have the right."

"You miss me." Sirius said and Harry laughed.

"It doesn't matter if I do." Harry said silently repairing the plate.

"It does."

"No, it really doesn't." Harry finished drying the plate and set it aside. He looked at Sirius and was suddenly pulled to the man and felt the pounding of his heart in his throat as Sirius kissed him. He pushed him away hard and Sirius had to grab the counter to keep from falling.

"Don't. Sirius." Harry said wiping the back of his hand across his lips, "Just. Don't."

"You love me." Sirius said harshly.

"That doesn't make me your property," Harry shot back, all sense of discretion lost. "I'm not with you. And there _is _a reason for that."

Harry glanced to the side to find Toby and James both on their feet. Remus had a hand on Toby's arm and Lily was staring unabashedly. Harry's lips burned, it had felt good, _right_, and he hated that it did. He looked at Toby who bit his lip and shrugged.

"And what is your reason?" Sirius said.

"You don't trust me." Harry said and walked out of the room.

______________________________________________________________________________

Harry was packing in a hurry, he was supposed to be at Hogwarts for a meeting in twenty minutes, and as the result of spending too much time with Ron Weasley, he had developed the bad habit of packing at the last minute. He shoved a pile of clothing in haphazardly and was closing it when he heard Toby speak from the doorway.

"You look like a kid running away from home." Harry turned as Toby spoke and gave a half-hearted smile as he looked at the man. He had one arm resting against the doorframe and his hair was falling into his eyes. "Haven't seen you much lately, every time I come by you're out."

Harry looked at him and didn't know what to say.

"I take it that there will be no naughty detentions." Toby said with a little smile.

"Toby…I…" Harry felt guilt overtake him.

Toby just shook his head and stepped into the room, "You could have just told me you know."

Harry nodded.

"I value our friendship more than the sex, honestly." Toby said, "Don't feel guilty. I told you from the start of it…I wasn't asking you to love me."

"You're a great person." Harry said lamely.

"Lets not get all mushy, we are men, after all." Toby said and he smiled but there was a hurt in his eyes.

Harry smiled weakly. "I just need to get things together."

"Get your head right."

"Right."

"Harry."

Harry looked up from the spot on the floor he was staring at.

"You love him."

"I know."

Toby nodded. "Good."

Harry let out a deep breath and smiled again.

"Friends, then?" Toby held out a hand, Harry took it and pulled him into a hug.

"You keep me sane, you know." Harry whispered into his ear.

"Somebody has to." Toby pulled away and put a hand on either side of his face, "Sirius is a lucky man," He moved toward the door and glanced over his shoulder. "_Stupid_. But lucky."

Harry watched him go and sat down on his bed. He could help but think he had just made a huge mistake. Toby is considerate, and emotionally available, he was attentive and responsible, not to mention a brilliant lay. _His only fault is that he isn't Sirius Black_. And Harry laughed at himself, because that was both the most ridiculous and the most truthful thought he'd ever entertained.

______________________________________________________________________________

Harry was once again walking the corridors of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, this time he wore no house patch on his chest, in fact, he wasn't even wearing robes. His heavy combat boots made his steps echo and he smiled as he caught sight of a familiar blonde head huddled in a suspicious way next to two dark heads. Harry approached quietly and caught the whispers.

"…on the count of three."

"…what if we got caught…"

"…Sirius says that if you run fast enough you never get caught."

"….how often did Sirius get caught?…"

"Quite often actually." Harry said in a loud whisper and as all three boys turned to face him with wide eyes, he managed to snatch the dungbombs from their hands. "Sirius would be disappointed in your lack of creativity here."

Alex's eyes were shining brightly as he shrugged and with only a second's hesistation pushed forward and hugged Harry tightly. Harry smiled and ruffled his hair.

The other two boys were looking at him strangely and when Alex turned away he pointed at the slightly chubby boy on his left, "That's Marcus and this is Adam." Said and pointed to the second boy. "Guys, this is Harry, my big brother."

Both boys looked skeptical but didn't say anything.

"So, we were just on our way to dinner. You want to sit with us?" Alex asked and Harry laughed.

"Well, sure. If your friends don't mind a Gryffindor."

______________________________________________________________________________

Later, Harry was in his chambers flipping through the curriculum for the next day's classes when there was a crack and a house elf approached the table.

"Professor, sir." The elf said and Harry looked up, "I have a letter for you. Came for you a few minutes ago."

Harry nodded and took the letter, "Thank you."

The elf bowed deeply and disappeared. Harry recognized the writing on the envelope and tapped his fingers on the table before he tore it open.

_Toby threatened my life and the most important parts of my anatomy._

_He's a charming fellow._

_I need to see you._

Harry stared at the letter for several minutes, realization dawning on him in slow motion. He stared at the signature and his brain seemed to screech to a halt before suddenly speeding forward. Harry stood up knocking his chair back as he did and tripped his way to his desk. He pulled out the crumpled letter and smoothed it out. He looked from the symbol at the bottom of the tip off to the one he now held.

"Merlin."

He stepped back from the desk and moved to the fire. He took a handful of floo powder and shouted "10 Berkshire Ln., London!"

He stumbled out of the fireplace into Severus Snape's living room and was frozen at the sight before him.

"Fuck-all."

______________________________________________________________________________

I'm evil and you love it. Review, s'il vous plait!


	25. Watch It Burn

AN: I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! Can you believe it took me a week to update? Sorry, ya'll but finals are upon me and I am trying to be a good girl, and do my homework and not fail and all that good stuff. You're reviews are LOVELY and this LONG CRAZY INTENSE CHAPTER is dedicated to YOU ALL!

_Notes: _

_Toby-_ Do not be fooled Toby is a smart boy, he's not going to be written off quite that easily.

_Harry/Sirius-_ There is nothing set in stone, we shall see where it goes my friends.

_Timeline Reminder- _I have obliviated all of you and you no longer remember that I _mistakenly_ placed the prophecy far too early in my story. It shall come about later.

__________________________________________________________________________

Harry couldn't think, move or breathe for a moment. His mind was screaming at him and his heart was beating so fiercely he thought it would explode from his chest. His thoughts were irrational, he knew that black wavy hair, those defined and delicate features. He could only stare, he didn't hear when Severus noticed his presence and screamed at him. It was all muted, it was all so far away. Because all he could see was the blood and that black wavy hair, he'd seen people bleed that way before and he knew what it meant when they did. He felt a powerful cold whip through him, his mind preparing him for the pain that was to come. And he stared at the blood, and watched as it flowed over the fingers Severus had pressed down on to the wound. He watched, but it wasn't until eyelids fluttered and pain filled blue eyes looked at him that he was shaken from his reverie. _Blue, _like an icy lake not the familiar cloudy grey.

And suddenly everything came back into focus and Harry heard Severus yelling at him.

"For fucks sake, Pierson. Help me!" Severus pressed his hands down harder and there was a gasp of pain that followed.

Harry moved to where Severus was kneeling on the floor next to Regulus Black. He pushed Severus' hands away and pulled open the boy's shirt and saw several deep cuts bleeding freely, but it was the thin black outline of them that worried him._ Cursed_, he thought and glanced at Severus who was staring at his hands now painted with blood. Harry waved his wand over the boy's chest healing the wounds as best as he could but knew it wouldn't hold.

"Severus, you need to call the Potters, tell Lily to come here immediately." Severus hesitated. "He will die."

Severus moved to the fire and threw some powder into it before sticking his head into the flames. Harry heard half of the conversation but wasn't listening. He looked at the deep gashes that were barely stitched together with amateur magic. He glanced up and met with blue eyes. He brushed a few strands of hair away from the face that was so familiar and yet so different.

"It'll be all right." Harry said.

A few minutes later a disheveled Lily stepped out of the flames and hurried to Harry's side.

"What happened to him?" Lily asked and Harry looked at Snape who shrugged.

"He showed up this way." Came the tense reply from him.

Lily waved her wand and removed Regulus' shirt. She stopped short when she saw the mark on his arm.

"Lily…" Harry said but Lily stood and backed away from him.

"What the hell is this." Her voice was a cold whisper. "What the hell."

"Lily. He's a spy." Harry's voice was calm and direct. "I imagine he's been found out."

Lily's eyes didn't move from the mark on his arm, and Harry understood.

"Lily. He's saved a lot of lives with the information he gave us." Harry said, "He did it knowing he could die, are you going to let him die?"

Harry met Lily's eyes and he could see the unshed tears glistening in them. He could see the battle of emotions waging in her heart and mind and he grabbed her hand.

"Lily." Harry said again. "Lily."

She shook her head violently and then took a step further away.

"It is moments like this Lily, choices like this, that separate us from t hem." Harry said softly.

"Damn you, Harry, damn you." And she pushed past him and knelt on the floor. Harry stepped back and let her work.

He followed Severus into the kitchen and watched from the doorway as he made tea.

"He showed up a few minutes before you did, I don't know how he managed it. He could barely stand." Severus' voice was filled with a bitter anger.

Harry said nothing, he knew what was coming.

"We should have gotten him out of there."

"And what then?" Harry asked leaning against a cabinet.

"We could have hidden him. Something, _anything_." Severus said as he pulled ceramic cups from the shelf and set them down a little too hard. "It could have been me."

"Yes." Was all Harry said.

"Regulus and I…we've been good friends, that's why he wrote to me at first." Severus said handing Harry a cup of tea. "He knew this was coming. He said he hoped they would kill him, that he didn't deserve anything less for the things he'd done."

"He made his choice, he was young and stupid, but he made the choice." Harry said taking a sip of the tea.

"Not all choices made are so black and white as you'd like to believe." Severus said.

"They are actually, it's the consequences that make them grey." Harry responded and met Severus' intense gaze. "You made yours. You could have been where he is. But you aren't. I don't pity him."

"And everybody says that I'm the heartless one," Severus said with a snort.

"Aw, Sevvy, you know you love _me_ too much to be heartless." Harry said casually with a overly dramatic wink.

Severus pinned him with a glare that would have made Harry cower once upon a time, "Shut up."

Harry shrugged and took another sip of his tea, "You've really got to work on your insults, Severus."

Severus and Harry stayed in the kitchen talking over the moans of pain coming from the other room. Severus told Harry what information Regulus had summoned the strength to deliver, and they spoke in hushed tones about what it meant. They had settled into a tense silence when Lily returned to the room. Her hair was tied back but strands had come loose and were sticking to the sweat on her forehead, her hands and clothing were covered in blood and there was a tempered sadness in her eyes.

"He died." Was all she said and stood there looking as though she were tottering precariously on the edge of a cliff. Harry moved toward her and pulled the small woman into his arms. She didn't cry, only buried her face into his shoulder and held tight to him. He saw the mixed look of jealousy, concern, and grave sadness briefly in the other man's eyes before he turned away and made Lily a cup of tea.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Harry was exhausted and blood still covered his shirt when he stepped through the fire in the headmaster's office. Dumbledore looked up and surprise faded into dread as he took note of Harry's appearance.

"Harry…" Dumbledore stood.

"It's not mine." Harry said and sat down heavily in the nearest chair. "Regulus Black. He was Snape's source. Suffice to say he is no longer a spy."

Dumbledore sat again and steepled his hands in front of him. "I see."

"He died about twenty minutes ago. We called Lily in, there wasn't much she could do for him." Harry said and rubbed his eyes with his palms. "He'd lost a lot of blood and the wounds they had given him kept reopening, cursed, I'm sure."

Dumbledore frowned deeply and in that moment he looked every day his age, Harry watched as Dumbledore nodded to a picture frame and he turned just in time to see Phineas Black disappear from his frame with a dark look on his face.

"Someone will need to inform Sirius." The headmaster said stroking his beard.

"I'll take care of it," Harry said with a wave of his hand. "There is something else."

The headmaster looked at him and gave him a nod.

"Regulus…mentioned to Severus that Voldemort is planning to move on Hogwarts." Harry let the words sink into the silence. The portraits around them began murmuring and moving from frame to frame to discuss things with each other. "We don't know when, but from what Severus understood…they know a way into the castle."

"Tom has always run from me." Dumbledore's voice was a mixture of disbelief and concern.

"Things change, he'd be a fool to not realize you are behind the Order. He can't take the risk people believing he has fear of you. It weakens him." Harry said. "Hogwarts will fall to him if you let your own pride dictate your precaution."

Dumbledore was taken aback by the bite in Harry's words, "I would not take lightly a threat to the students of this school."

"I should hope not." Harry said and stood.

______________________________________________________________________________

Harry had never been to Sirius' flat, it felt like ages since he'd seen the man when in reality it had been only a month. He took the muggle entrance and stood at the doorway for a long time, not quite sure how to say what he needed to say. He'd delivered this type of news before, too many times. But this was different, there were so many things complicating it and Harry knew wading into emotional territory with Sirius was like running through a minefield. He was jarred from his thoughts when t he door opened to show a smirking, half-dressed, Sirius.

Harry stared at him for a moment in confusion.

"I'm an auror, Harry. I have wards." Sirius said with a smile, "I let you stand for a bit but I figured you'd be out here all night if I didn't come collect you."

Harry nodded and followed Sirius in. The flat was sparsely furnished, the furniture was mismatched but it was meticulously clean. Sirius disappeared into another room and Harry continued looking around. He found several pictures on the fireplace mantle. Most of them he had taken. He picked up one and stared at it, it was of him and Sirius. The same one he had thrown on the table so many months ago. The glass was still cracked and Harry ran his fingers across it.

"I left it that way, because…" Sirius spoke from behind him and Harry turned. "Something between us broke that night, Harry, I don't know what but something did. And it still is broken like the picture."

Harry nodded and replaced the picture before taking the glass of firewhiskey Sirius offered him.

"You've changed." Harry said after taking a long drink. "You seem…"

"All grown up?" Sirius offered with a goofy grin. "Yes, Lily and Remus tell me often how proud they are. I suppose maybe it's the auror thing, or maybe it's the paying my own bills thing, who the hell knows."

Harry nodded and took another drink.

"So. I take it you got my letter…that Toby…scary fellow." Another wide smile.

"I…Sirius…" Harry couldn't meet his eyes, grey eyes not blue.

Sirius moved closer placing an awkward hand on Harry's shoulder.

"What?" Sirius asked concern dripping from the words.

"It's…" Harry finally raised eyes and looked at Sirius. "Hell…He looks just like you."

Sirius furrowed his eyebrows and there was an unwilling understanding dawning on his features.

"Harry…" Sirius said not wanting to ask but needing to know, as his eyes drifted over Harry's clothes noticing the bloodstains for the first time.

"Your brother." Was all Harry could manage against the sight of fear and pain in Sirius' eyes.

There was silence, and it was crushing and deep.

"Was it you?" Sirius said and Harry could hear the acceptance in the tone.

"No. Death Eaters." Harry responded.

"Why?"

"He was a spy, Sirius." Harry watched Sirius carefully noting the tenseness of his jaw and the steel doors slamming shut in his eyes. "He was Severus' source."

Sirius was still and silent for such a long time that when he threw his glass Harry jumped when it shattered against the opposite wall. Sirius stared at the spot where the glass lay in pieces.

"Fuck." It was barely a whisper.

"You want to throw mine too?" Harry said offering his glass. Sirius looked at him and pursed his lips.

"Shut up." He said with an tense laugh.

After another moment of silence, Harry spoke.

"I was there, he went to Severus. But he had lost a lot of blood and the wounds were cursed." Harry said. "We called Lily in…but it was too late."

Sirius put his hands in his hair and shook his head. "Fuck."

Harry could see Sirius fighting tears and losing. Harry set his glass on the mantle and pulled the man to him. For several minutes Harry held him and Sirius didn't return the embrace, but slowly his arms fell to Harry shoulders and he wept. Sirius cried without making a sound, it wasn't dramatic, it was precisely controlled.

"I couldn't save him." Sirius' ragged voice was in Harry's ear. "I couldn't save him."

"It wasn't your fault." Harry said.

Sirius pulled away abruptly and wiped his face on the back of his sleeve. He muttered a reparo spell in the direction of the shattered glass and then summoned it to him.

"Right, well. A drink to my brother." Sirius said with admirable composure. "Died fighting on the right side, even if he was a prat to begin with."

And he made his way to the kitchen for the bottle as Harry watched him go._ Such an enigma this man was, such a strange rollercoaster his mind must be_, Harry thought.

______________________________________________________________________________

Sirius opened another bottle of firewhiskey as Harry watched him cautiously. He had expected this. Harry understood Sirius, he understood that to him feeling nothing was better than feeling pain. Sirius was drunk, but not a sloppy, happy sing muggle songs kind of drunk. It was brooding and quiet drunk. Sirius didn't speak, he drank and he refilled Harry's glass and he stared at the flames. Harry was left with no words to comfort him, because the pain of death cannot be placated. So he drank with Sirius and he stared at the flames.

They sat on the sofa in front of the fireplace with enough space for another person to sit between them, Sirius did not reach out for physical comfort and Harry did not move to offer it. When Sirius finally spoke his words were laced with alcohol.

"He wanted to be just like me when we were younger." Sirius didn't take his eyes from the fire, "That was when both of us were afraid of my dad."

Harry looked Sirius, taking in the beauty of his profile, his long hair swinging down in his face as he bent over his glass.

"Even when we were younger, I was never the model son." Sirius continued. "Reg and I…we used to get into so much trouble together, we were all each other had in that damn prison of a house."

"What happened?" Harry asked softly watching as Sirius closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"I got accepted to Hogwarts and…I became everything my parents hated." Sirius said casually. "Gryffindor, friends with mudbloods and blood traitors. Christmas break of first year, I went home and Orion…made his feelings quite clear. And there was Reg, he must have been eight or nine at the time, and he was repeating the words my father said. And I thought…I thought that they had won him. I stopped going home whenever I could avoid it. Summers were brutal and Reg had suddenly become their perfect child, cold and uncaring and hateful. And I resented him because he was what they were but also because he had their adoration."

Sirius swallowed the rest of his glass and poured himself another.

"The night I moved out to the Potter's, Orion was angry about something…I don't really remember what started it. But we were arguing and when he hit me, I hit him back." Sirius took a long breath, "He was a big guy, and me hitting him was like swatting a fly, and I knew I could never win against him, I knew I had to leave. And after, I dragged myself up to my room and I packed what I could. Reg caught me at the door and I remember being terrified that he would tell. But he just looked at me, and he said "Go fast. Dad's just in the kitchen." And I left and I never looked back."

Harry took a long drink and didn't know what to say.

"That was the last time we ever spoke." Sirius said. "He could have called my father, he could have…but he didn't. I hated him for a long time, and he knew it, but he let me go."

Sirius went silent again and Harry reached over and took his hand rubbing his thumb against the other man's knuckles.

______________________________________________________________________________

Two weeks later Harry sat at the Hog's Head waiting for Toby. He drank from a dirty glass and watched a hag argue with the waitress. When the door opened and Toby came in he sat up a bit straighter and smiled as Toby sat down.

"How are you, Professor?" Toby said and Harry shook his head.

"Everyone gets such a kick out of that." Harry said. "I'm all right. You?"

"I'm good. In fact, I'm better than good." Toby said and there was a bouncing excitement in his eyes. "I think I've got the spell worked out. I need a test subject."

Harry rolled his eyes, "You just want an excuse to shoot killing curses at me."

"All in the name of research my friend," Toby said and signaled the waitress over, he ordered his drink and turned back to Harry. "How's Sirius."

"I don't know really. I haven't seen him since the night Regulus died." Harry swished the liquid around in his cup. "Remus says he's been staying over at the house a lot."

"I can imagine he doesn't want to be alone." Toby said.

"Right." Harry didn't meet Toby's eyes.

There was an awkward pause.

"How are classes?" Toby asked finally.

"Good. Half the students are gone now, though." Harry said. "I told Alex not to expect any special treatment and he told me I shouldn't expect any either. Yesterday, him and his friends charmed my classroom door to force everyone to admit their most embarrassing secret when they walked through."

Toby laughed. "What secret was it that you shared?"

"Oh, come on now. What kind of professor would I be if I let a bunch of second years get the best of me?" Harry said with a scoff. "Although half of the girls in the class admitted that they were in love with me. That was embarrassment enough."

Toby laughed again. They chatted aimlessly for a bit until Toby could contain himself no longer. He finished his drink and stood.

"Lets get to it."

______________________________________________________________________________

They stood in the room of requirement thirty minutes later, the room was clean and bare. But for the table on the far end that held a first aide kit. Harry rolled up the sleeves of his shirt while Toby took off his robes, leaving him in a button-down shirt and slacks.

"All right. The incantation is _subsisto nex_." Toby began, drawing his wand. "The movement is a quick cutting line across right to left, like this." Toby demonstrated by swiping his wand across in front of him. "And then a jab forward like this." Toby thrust his wand in the air. Now it's important that you've got the same mindset as with _parietis diligo, _but it shouldn't have to be constant. More like a patronous. One good feeling will do it for you."

Harry was nodding as he was practicing the wand movements.

"Got it?"

"We'll see I suppose." Harry said and looked at the other man.

"Lets give it a go then." Toby raised his wand. "_Avada Kedavra!"_

"_subsisto nex!" _Harry yelled out and a thick white film shot from his wand and stood between him and Toby like a dirty window. Harry had to jump out of the way as the green light shot through the shield shattering it like glass.

"Well, not quite right then." Toby said tapping his wand against his chin. "Try it with more of a poke than a jab."

"A poke?" Harry asked.

"Ready?" Toby said with a smirk and then "_Avada Kedavra!"_

______________________________________________________________________________

Harry wasn't sure why he was running. He could have apparated, but he ran. When he had heard he had flooed to Sirius' flat and found it empty. 12 Grimmald place was about ten blocks from Sirius' apartment and Harry saw the smoke as he rounded the corner onto the street. There were muggle firefighters out there with their ridiculous hose, yelling and screaming while a crowd of onlookers stood by. Harry approached at a quick walk, eyes scanning the crowd, he looked toward the flames and saw Sirius standing just to the side of the house watching it burn.

"Sirius!" Harry yelled out from a few feet away, and Sirius turned and gave him a smile that was haunted.

Harry reached him and drew out his wand, "Sirius…"

"Don't bother, I'd rather watch it burn." Sirius said and turned his eyes back to the fire. He took a drag off of the cigarette he held.

"What happened?" Harry asked dumbly staring at Sirius.

Sirius looked at him and cocked his head with a strange smile on his face, he raised his hand and pointed at the sky, where the dark mark hung in a cloud of green smoke. Harry didn't know how he'd missed it, but there it was.

"Turns out, the _dark lord_" Sirius' voice was filled with contempt, "Doesn't take kindly to traitors."

It wasn't long before the magical police showed up to sort the mess out, confounding all of the onlookers and the fireman. Sirius stood speaking with several officers and then motioned for Harry to follow him up the front steps. From the outside you could hardly tell there was anything wrong with the place, but once they crossed the threshold there was nothing but ashes and charred wood. About twenty steps from the front door were two charred corpses bound together with magic, the chairs they had sat on broken and charred beneath them. Sirius stood just inside the doorway.

"KREACHER!" Sirius yelled out.

The house was silent and after a moment Sirius shrugged.

"Well, that answers that." He said before turning and walking out. Harry followed him as he made his way to the police officers and told them what they had found. They made their way down the street and Sirius whistled an upbeat tune.

"You know, we should get everyone together." Sirius said, "It's time for a celebration."

"Sirius…" Harry said cautiously.

Sirius turned to him. "You can even bring Toby, I promise to be nice." He gave Harry a wink.

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Harry had gained a strong measure of respect for the professors of Hogwarts. He taught 7 years' worth of defense classes which came to about 21 classes a week. Each class had at least 15 students and that was half of what there would have been, where it not for the war. He couldn't imagine how they managed it with out going insane. He finished marking fifth year essays regarding the patronous spell and looked around the classroom. For as much stress, and insanity as it may cause, Harry was starting to feel that maybe he had a home here. He enjoyed teaching, he liked being able to provide the students with the sort of confidence that he had needed so badly and had so rarely found during his own years at school.

He thought about his time at Hogwarts and felt suddenly and hugely lost. His memories both happy and sad washed down upon him and he sat there just breathing and willing himself to be strong enough to once again pull away from all of that, he reminded himself that none of it was there anymore, that there was nothing to go back to, even if he could.

Hogwarts was very much the same, even twenty years from now. The students noticed very little of the careful lockdown the school had gone into. Aurors patrolled the hallways and the perimeter under the guise of being Ministry inspectors, and he and Minerva had drawn up an evacuation plan despite the protests of Albus who felt the students would be more vulnerable outside the castle walls, but Dumbledore had never seen how the walls that protect can also entrap and that Hogwarts for all it's protections could never be completely guarded on all fronts. The wards had been strengthened and Dumbledore had convinced the centaurs to help keep watch along the lines of the forbidden forest, and the man felt that it would be enough. Harry and Minerva had tried to talk him into closing the school two weeks early, but he had refused. It had been nearly a month since Regulus' death, and the headmaster was convinced Voldemort had lost his nerve.

Harry sighed at the thought of what had brought them to this point. Then he thought about James, Lily, Remus, Sirius and Toby, such good friends. And here he was having barely have seen them in the two months he'd been at Hogwarts. That needed to change. He rubbed his eyes and looked out the window at the lightly falling snow, checked his watch and realized it was just after dinner. He stood tucking the papers away in his desk and made his way out of the classroom thinking that maybe he would floo home and have dinner with Remus.

He made his way down the hall and smiled at seeing a trio of first years running down the corridor towards the Great Hall. He smiled because the two boys and the girl reminded himself so much of another trio. As he turned down the teacher's wing, he felt a chill run up his spine and he stopped. He listened carefully and heard nothing, shaking his head he continued down the corridor, but when he saw shadows moving in the hallway ahead of him he ducked behind a suit of armor. There were no words but the number of shadows grew and dread coursed through his veins. They were coming out of the wall, and then it hit Harry and he didn't know how he could have been so stupid. _The passageway to Honeydukes. Of course. _

He reached a hand underneath his shirt and wrapped his fingers around the small gold medallion around his neck and in a low whisper spoke _servo lemma_.

____________________________________________________________________________

Down in the Great Hall, there was not a single student who noticed that every professor and Dumbledore had simultaneously flinched and moved their hands to their chests, reaching for their own medallions that had burned their skin. Dumbledore stood and with a tense look with Professor McGonagall made his way to stand in front of the hall.

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Harry remained hidden for the moment not sure what his best move was. There were nearly thirty of them in the hallway now. Harry, was a Gryffindor, but he wasn't so foolish as to attempt to take on thirty Death Eaters on his own. His mind was moving over all the possible ways to get word to the order when he couldn't make any noise, or draw attention to himself. And then he remembered the coin in his pocket. He pulled it out and with a silent incantation carefully carved out his message before sending it out.

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Lily was serving dinner to James and Sirius and gave a startled noise when the coin in her pocket stung her with its sudden burst of heat. Sirius and James both looked at her strangely and her eyes were dark as she pulled the coin from her pocket. When she opened her palm in front of them James' fork fell to the table with a clatter and Sirius' chair fell backwards as he stood.

Lily felt a wave of fear pulse through her as she looked down at the coin.

HGWTS-ATTAK-ORDER-NOW

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Some of the students had silenced when Dumbledore had moved to the front, others had broken out in loud whispers. All sound was ended, however, when the doors flew open, and aurors came in led by Alastor Moody. Several students gasped as the ten aurors closed every entrance to the great hall and stood guard in twos. Moody made his way to Dumbledore.

"Anyone not present?" Moody's gravelly voice was clipped.

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Remus was reading quietly in front of the fire when a sudden yell startled him enough to cause his book to fall to the floor.

"Remus!" It was Lily's voice. "You've got to get to Hogwarts. The boys have already gone. Death Eaters. We're calling in the order. Tell them the healers will be on the way."

And then she was gone and Remus stared at the flames for a moment before his eyes caught a picture of Alex and Harry on the mantle and suddenly panic and adrenaline jarred him into action.

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The Death Eaters were starting to move down the hallway toward Harry. He quickly cast a disillusionment charm on himself and pressed his back against the stonewall and barely allowed himself to breathe as they passed. The group was nearly by when one of them stopped and stared in Harry's direction for a moment but he was pushed forward by the bodies of those behind him and he turned away. Harry gave them a count of twenty before he followed them down the corridor and broke to the side as he made his way to the stairway. He crisscrossed taking a time wasting but unavoidable trip up and down several floors before he came out just before the entrance to the library. He was moving so quickly and still disillusioned when he ran bodily into another person. Harry swore when he realized just who he had run into.

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Minerva McGonagall stood at the end of her house table, feeling an unfamiliar panic fighting against her stern control. She watched as her Prefects walked down the table counting heads. She was gripping a crumpled paper in her hand that held her evacuation plan on it, and her white knuckles were a display of the frustration she felt that at this moment Dumbledore seemed inclined to keep the students here in the great hall like crabs in the kettle. She was well on her way to convincing herself to simply march her Gryffindors out of the building in accordance with the plans Harry had set out for them. The teachers all came to gather around the Deputy Headmistress but Minerva's eyes were immediately drawn to the worried expression on Pomona Sprout's face.

"Pomona…" Minerva started but didn't finish.

"Alex Rettner and Helena Bidman did not come to dinner." Pomona answered

______________________________________________________________________________

Harry un-disillusioned himself quickly and grabbed the boy's arm and that of the dark haired girl watching in confusion. He dragged them along as he continued to run glancing behind them every few seconds as they went. They began to protest and Harry quickly cast a silencing spell on them and pushed them against the wall and stepped in front of them as he heard loud footsteps coming around the corner. He immediately cast out a shield that stretched the length of the corridor. He heard an exclamation as someone had apparently found themselves unable to cross through it. He listened to curses be thrown and felt the reverberation in his wand. He glanced at the children at his side and took in the tears on the girl's face and Alex's wide frightened eyes.

Suddenly there was a shout.

"Wait! This is Harry's work!" A voice shouted and Harry craned his head to listen closer.

"How the hell would you know…" Sirius. _Sirius._

Harry motioned for the kids to stay put as he walked out staying safely behind the shield and found himself faced with Lily, Sirius, Toby, Remus, James, and the Longbottoms.

He smirked at the small sardonic wave Remus gave him before he caught the sudden shift in the man's expression. He turned just in time to avoid being hit with a stunning spell. Four Death Eaters approached quickly and Harry dropped his shield before throwing off four consecutive stunning spells at them, taking one down. Suddenly the others were around him and after a well-aimed stunning spell from Lily, a binding jinx from Sirius and a body bind from Alice the other three were felled. Harry turned to find James and Frank standing purposefully in front of the two children whose eyes' had grown impossibly wide.

Harry turned to Snape, "You got anything good on you at the moment?"

Severus gave him a wry grin and reached into his cloak pulling out a vile of clear liquid. "Something like this."

"Exactly." Harry nodded and then turned to the others. "Sirius and Remus you stay here with Severus and I. Lily , James, Frank and Alice, you guys get down to the Great Hall, take the kids and make sure Dumbledore MOVES them. They're sitting ducks in there, but the man will try and keep them together. Get them moving, get them out. Minerva has the plan."

Everyone nodded and Lily took the crying girl's hand while James gripped Alex and they took of at a sprint with Frank at the head and Alice at the rear shooting cautious glances behind her.

Severus had already pulled the masks off the Death Eaters. Goyle, Crabbe, McNair, and the last one made Harry smile.

"Well, Lucius such the pleasure." Harry said at the bound Death Eater, who practically radiated malice.

_____________________________________________________________________________

The doors to the great hall rattled on their hinges and the aurors stepped back with their wands trained. Several students were in tears and they had all moved toward the center of the room. There was a sudden scream from a unknown girl and there was not a steady heartbeat in the room as they watched smoke rising from three of the doors to the entrance.

______________________________________________________________________________

McNair, Crabbe and Goyle lay stunned and bound on the floor while Lucius Malfoy was on his knees hands bound behind him. Severus moved toward him and tilted the man's head back, pinching his mouth open with one hand and pouring the Veritiserum down his throat.

______________________________________________________________________________

Frank, James, Lily and Alice ran to the foyer but held back at the full out battle that was taking place. The Order's fighters had shown and curses were flying in every direction. Alice gasped and pointed her finger at the main entrance to the great hall where black flames licked at the door.

"Fiendfyre." Came a cold intonation from Frank.

They held for a moment.

"The staff entrance." Lily whispered and nodded to their right and they group took off down the corridor once again.

_____________________________________________________________________________

"How many more are coming?" Harry said.

Lucius struggled fruitlessly against speech, "Shifts of thirty every hour."

"Is Voldemort to be here?" Snape said.

Again, the man fought the potion, "Not until it's over."

"Is the passageway the only entrance?" Harry asked.

"They will come through the front gates, they are taking the wards down." Lucius spat in disgust.

Severus and Harry looked at each other and Harry pointed his wand at Lucius.

"_Stupefy."_

______________________________________________________________________________

James pounded his fist against the staff entrance door to the Great Hall.

"It's James Potter." His voice boomed. "Open the door."

There was no response.

"They've set Fiendfyre on the doors, if they come down it will spread!" James shouted.

A loud gravelly voice came through the door, "James Potter present yourself."

"I am James Potter, I failed my disguises examination first time around, because I forgot transfigure my glasses." James shouted and there was a moment, and the door clicked open and Moody stood facing them.

"We have to get them out of here." James said and Moody nodded.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Sirius, Remus, Harry, Toby and Severus had left the four death eaters, bound and stunned, locked in a warded broom closet.

They came across several small fights between Order members and Death Eaters as they made their way toward the passageway. They shot out curses but kept their pace. Harry was able to save one Order member from falling off a staircase to his death and stun the responsible Death Eater at the same time, while Severus had cost two Death Eaters their wand hands with _sectumsempra._ Their feet slid in pools of blood that told them, the Death Eaters were sparing no mercy.

______________________________________________________________________________

Minerva stepped up behind Mood and nodded to James.

"Harry and I have worked out an evacuation. We need to get moving. The doors are not to hold much longer." She said.

"Harry said Dumbledore would argue it."

"Leave it to me. Get these children out of here." She said and turned back to the room.

______________________________________________________________________________

Harry reached the Gargoyle and as the others came to a stop next to him. He heard Remus growl

"Peter. He must have told them."

Harry spoke the password and the gargoyle slid to the side. Harry could see a group of Death Eaters heading toward them from a ways down the tunnel.

"On three!" He raised his wand as did the four other men. "One, Two, Three!"

"REDUCTO!"

______________________________________________________________________________

The castle shook and several students screamed. James and Frank were leading the Ravenclaw students out of the Great Hall, with Lily and Alice at the back. They led them through the staff room and out into the hallway. They crossed from classroom to classroom before coming out in front of the stairway. James and Alice shot out curse while Frank and Alice held up shields. As they came to a T in the corridor a large door appeared before them.

"This is it." James said and pulled the heavy door open.

______________________________________________________________________________

Harry watched the stones tumble down in front of the Death Eaters and then turned abruptly and without a word ran off in the direction of the Great Hall.

______________________________________________________________________________

The smoke in the Great Hall had become dizzying and all of the students had crowded around the exit waiting to be led out. The sounds of curses being thrown echoed down the corridor.

______________________________________________________________________________

Many of the students gasped in surprise as they entered the room, which had become a tunnel, at the far end of the tunnel was not a door but a portrait of young blond girl. As James moved toward it the girl motioned to them to follow as she turned and walked deeper into her frame.

James turned to the first student behind him, the Ravenclaw Prefect and helped the boy climb up over the edge of the picture, he looked a bit frightened but he made his way down the dark corridor of the painting and James and Frank began helping the rest of the students up to follow him.

______________________________________________________________________________

Harry's wand was in his pocket and he was simply blasting anyone in a mask that got in his way, he didn't bother with stunning spells and the four behind him followed suit. As they came to the foyer Harry looked at a stunned Death Eater who fell nearby and saw that there was a strange green glow around the uncovered mark on his arm.

"_He_'s coming." Severus spoke from behind him.

______________________________________________________________________________

James, Frank, Lily and Alice saw Harry and the others disappear through the staff room into the Great Hall.

______________________________________________________________________________

James came up behind him as Harry was addressing Minerva and Albus, "We've got to take the rest of them now."

"There are too many." Albus said with caution, "As a large group they are too vulnerable."

Harry ignored the man and instead turned to the students.

"How many of you can cast a shield charm?" He spoke loudly.

Half of the students raised their hands shakily. "Okay I want all of you to step to the outside of the group, the younger ones in the middle. Professors, and aurors form a circle around them. Headmaster, you and Minerva at the back there with James, Frank, Lily and Alice. Moody join me up front, with Remus, Toby , Sirius and Severus."

It took nearly five minutes for everyone to get sorted. When Harry was satisfied he spoke again.

"Moody tell your aurors to be on the defensive." The man nodded.

"Aurors, to the ready!" His voice boomed and all the aurors raised their wands.

"Everyone else! Be ready to put out your shields on my word!" Harry yelled out. "Lets move!"

They walked in a large group, Harry widening the doorways before the crossed them. They made it to the corridor with no incident. But as they came to the T, about twenty Death Eaters came flooding into the space in front of them.

"SHIELDS!" and on his word sixty shields raised up around the group as the Aurors began shooting curses. The group had stopped moving and but the Death Eaters continued to approach even as they fell to the curses of the Aurors who broke ranks with the group to form a line in the front. Two aurors fell, before the remaining Death Eaters gripped their arms and ran off to the left at a signal from one of them. The aurors followed them and three more fell in the retreat.

"MOVE!" Harry boomed and the group, shields still up with the exception of some of the younger students who had lost their strength. They came to the T and the door appeared in front of them. Harry pulled it open and led the students in as the professors and aurors formed a protective circle behind the group. As they approached the portrait a young man returned with Ariana and Harry waved to her. The boy stepped from the frame and spoke to Harry.

"Aberforth is flooing them to the Ministry. They're being met by the aurors there." The boy reported and though his voice was strong there was still the essence of fear in his words. Harry grasped the boy's shoulder.

"See that the rest of them make it safely," He said and the boy nodded before turning and making his way behind Ariana down the painted corridor.

As the remaining students filed past, Harry glanced to the ones still waiting to be led down the portrait and a painful realization struck him. He and Sirius met eyes at the same moment and they took off running out of the room together.

They broke through the aurors and professors, and did not pause at the questioning shouts. They didn't hear the footsteps that fell behind them they kept running until the reached the Great Hall, where they heard nothing but a high pitched-tormented scream and maniacal laughter.

______________________________________________________________________________

Harry's heart pounded in his ears but could not drown out the screaming. Harry strode through the staff entrance to the Great Hall, and there was a wild roughness to his tone when he yelled out.

"TOM!" Harry came to a stop as his eyes fell on the bloody blonde curls, and then came to rest on the face of Voldemort, which now held a sickening grin.

"Ah, it is the savior." The man drawled out.

Whether it was out of habit, or a mental awareness that it would catch the dark lord off guard, Harry advanced without responding to his words and shouted out raising his hand.

"_Expelliarmus_!" The spell hit Voldemort square in the chest and while he held his wand, the impact of it sent him flying backwards several paces.

Riddle's spell was broken but Alex continued to scream long afterwards, Sirius, James and Lily rushed to him as Harry advanced on Voldemort. who was now on his feet a pale fury marking his features.

"Well, well. Quite _brazen_. Aren't we." Voldemort spoke and quickly raised his wand. "ˆ_Avada Kedavra!"_

Harry's wand was back in his hand without him knowing how it got there and he brought it across the air in front of him in a quick motion before thrusting it forward, "_subsisto nex!"_

A clear, almost silver liquid erupted from Harry's wand and came before him. The green light collided with the silver shield and splintered and reflected back towards the caster. Harry dropped the shield.

"NOW!" He shouted and four voices rang out with his own followed by five green jets of light, all of which hit their mark. Voldemort staggered back from the impact and hunched over at his waist, but he did not crumple and fall. There was a moment of chilled silence before the man looked up with eyes that were now covered with a sheen of blood.

"You cannot kill me," A disturbing laugh erupted from the man who still had not righted himself, "I am immortal."

Harry raised his wand once again. "Immortality is fatal to most men."

Before he could send a spell, Voldemort had brought his hand to his left wrist and disappeared.

Harry turned around and didn't speak when Lily looked up to him her eyes bright with tears, nor when he looked at Sirius' hand as it stroked blood-streaked blonde hair. He shrugged off Toby's hand and ignored Remus' soft words; he walked out of the Great Hall and _killed _the first Death Eater he saw.

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So…Thoughts?! I really need them now! Encouragement! Love!

REVIEW ME BABY!


	26. I cross my fingers

AN: So. Here's the deal- My amazingly-fantastic readers. I finish my finals this week, and as such…le updates shall progress as my time is less…consumed.

Also, I was contemplating writing some 'Sirius perspective' companion pieces for this story. Anyone interested in reading that? They would most likely be one shots of the major-ish scenes, I think re-writing the whole story from that perspective would be a bit tedious. Just a thought.

_Notes:_

_General-_

_Prophecy- Chapter 15 has been changed, only just the last line, for the sake of the timeline with the prophecy. That's why you got the weird notification of an update the other day! I'm sorry I get confused with this site sometimes._

_Harry/Sirius: Yes, yes. I know they bounce back around their angsty drama. But come on it's Sirius and Harry. They're messed up, and tortured, and angsty all by themselves! All of you who are tired of it…well…read on anyways._

_Alex- Aww. You're love for him warms my heart and soul._

_Regulus- I was thinking of keeping him around, but I think after everything…he wouldn't want to live-he has no motivation. I didn't really feel like writing suicide. Too much, even for me._

_Personal-_

**Hallowed-Self**_: HA! I know your pain. Here's an update for you! I am as addicted to writing this story as I have been to reading some. Problem is…writing 12-17 pages is somewhat more time consuming than reading those pages. Ahh…the tragedy. Lol._

**HarrySirius**_: Your review rocked! Speechlessness is fantastic flattery. _

**RAION!:**_ I'm sorry, I've been meaning to write you back, but what with the updates and the slacking on my schoolwork…I have failed miserably. But you are wonderful, and your reviews are fantastic. I'm glad you appreciated Lily's reaction, that was a struggle to write, she's such a dynamic character._

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Harry hated St. Mungos. He hated the coldness of the place, the high windows that let in very little light. He hated the way it felt like death was looming at the door, and the way the healers would come in and out with that pitying look on their faces. And the way their coffee tasted and how the walls were painted in an off shade of white and the floors were hard linoleum that made shoes squeak as they walked across it. He hated the way they had cleaned Alex up and brushed his hair and let it fall across his forehead covering the scar that was still healing. He hated that Remus had brought his pajamas from home, because it made him look like he was sleeping, like there was nothing wrong.

Harry had been sitting in this chair for two days. He hadn't gone to the Order meeting. He hadn't returned to Hogwarts to help clean things up and strengthen the wards. He hadn't gone home when Remus and Lily begged him to, or when James yelled at him for making Lily worry, when Sirius had timidly come to tell him Alastor wanted to speak with him about the Death Eater he had killed or when Toby had tried to forcibly remove him. He had sat there and said nothing. And eventually they had all gone away and left him to his silent vigil.

When Harry had returned and pushed through the others to pick Alex's limp body up, he had carried him to the floo in Dumbledore's office and came out in the waiting area of St. Mungos. He had stood there unsure about what to do when a small healer, Harry remembered from the battle at Malfoy's, Elsa, had seen him and had another healer take Alex to another room. They had cleaned him up, and given him this potion and that potion, they had tried numerous spells and they had not been able to rouse him. Another healer had come, Harry couldn't recall his name, but he had strange-blue green eyes and a severe chin, and he had told him that there was a possibility that there was damage to Alex's mind. He asked if Harry knew anyone he trusted who was capable of legilimency. Harry had offered himself. And when Harry had entered Alex's mind he knew immediately what had happened. Memories were like shredded paper floating around in a windstorm, he could feel Alex's presence somewhere and there was a fear that dominated him. Harry had told the healer this, and the man had only nodded before leaving the room without a word and Harry had been sitting here ever since.

Alex looked like he was sleeping, like he was peaceful, but internally his mind was chaos and Harry didn't know if it could be healed, or if Alex had lost his mind forever to Voldemort's viscous search for information. Nobody knew why Alex had been left behind, or how no one had noticed, until Helena had come out of a broom closet two hours after the battle had ended, and explained that she had panicked and run when they had met the Death Eaters in the hall, and that she knew Alex had followed her but she couldn't make herself stop running. Harry didn't blame the girl, she was young and terrified, but she had come and cried when she saw Alex and she had told Harry she was sorry.

Harry brushed Alex's hair back from his forehead and looked at the pink scar that was about four inches long.

"Mr. Pierson." A deep voice from behind him spoke, and Harry turned it was the healer with the blue-green eyes again. "We have a potion, it's new, still in it's trial phase. We've had success with this in two cases before. It was originally developed to help with minor spell damage, we've been able to create a stronger version of it, which is similar to skel-o-grow, what it does is rebuild damaged synapses in the brain. Essentially putting the pieces back together"

"What are the risks?" Harry asked.

"The worst side effects we've noticed are extreme weight loss, and some instances of large blankets of permanent memory loss." The man said.

"What are the other options?" Harry said rubbing his hands over his eyes.

"His mind could repair itself, in time." The healer replied with a glance at Alex.

"What are the chances of that?" Harry asked quietly.

"Small." The healer responded with a directness that Harry appreciated.

"What is your opinion?" Harry met the man's eyes.

"I think this is his best chance," the man said, "Without it, he likely won't wake from it."

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Harry returned from the cafeteria with a fresh cup of coffee to find Remus sitting next to Alex's bed. Harry approached and Remus turned with a small smile on his face.

"Hey." His voice was soft.

"Hey." Harry responded.

"You look like hell." Remus said and Harry shrugged. "The Order is waiting until you can attend a meeting to make any decisions."

Harry heard Remus' hesitation to press, so he nodded. "I agreed to let them treat Alex with a trial potion. He has to be in seclusion to participate. They said I wouldn't be able to see him for a week or so. They're moving him tonight, tell Albus he'll have his meeting tomorrow."

Harry sat delicately on the bed next to Alex and took the boy's small hand in his. Harry closed his eyes for what felt like the first time in two days and felt hot tears welling up behind his eyelids.

He felt Remus' hand come over his and opened his eyes, letting tears fall as he did. Remus was kneeling on the floor in front of him and Harry met his eyes.

"I'm so tired of all of this, Rem." He whispered. "Too much death, too much pain."

"I know, Harry, I know." Remus stroked his fingers over Harry's knuckles.

"Maybe it's selfish, but part of me…there has always been this part of me, that just wants to walk away from it all." Harry said. "I wish I could let myself just take Alex, and you and Lily and James and Sirius…and just run. Get as far away as possible. Leave the pain and the war to someone else for a change."

"But you won't." Remus said squeezing Harry's hand.

"I can't. This is what I was born to do." Harry's voice was laden with defeat. "This is who I am and everyone I love suffers for it."

"They say, some people are born great, some people achieve greatness, and some…have greatness thrust upon them." Remus said and he met Harry's eyes, "It does not define you Harry, this greatness that has been thrust upon you. It may restrict you, it may confine you. But who you are is so far beyond that, so much more than that. Don't forget who you are because of what you have to do. Those of us who love you, know that you are not the cause of the pain, but instead the steady hand that guides us through it."

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Harry had watched the healers levitate Alex's cot down the hallway and the healer had assured him they would call if anything of note came up. He had stood there staring down the hallway for several minutes before he finally turned and walked out of St. Mungos. He had walked aimlessly for an hour before realizing he was standing outside Sirius' building. He stared up at the building for a long moment before making his way up.

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The stairs were hell on his knee, and by the time he had reached the top he stood outside the door and let his eyes close for just a moment. He took a breath and looked at his watch realizing it was well past midnight, he considered leaving but exhaustion and a deep raging loneliness propelled him forward and he moved to the door placing his hand on the knob. He was unsurprised when it turned easily and opened. He was sure Sirius would have exempted him from the wards, and wizards rarely looked to things so mundane as muggle locks.

Harry entered the dark flat, and toed off his heavy boots. He wandered through the dark, unfamiliar with the space. He came to the other side of the living room and found the kitchen on his right and a darkened hallway to his left. He made his way down the hall and passed the open door to the loo. He approached the door at the end of the hallway cautiously and turned the handle.

He took a few steps into the room and with the aide of the moonlight was able to make out the shapes of the furniture and found Sirius, face highlighted by the moonlight, awake and staring at him. Neither man spoke or moved for a long moment, and then Sirius raised his blanket up and offered a sad smile. Harry not bothering to undress made his way to the bed and climbed in next to Sirius. Harry felt Sirius press up against his back and slowly relaxed into the man's embrace. They lay there awake for a long time before Harry spoke.

"It was me, that broke." Harry said, "Not us."

Harry felt Sirius' warm lips against the back of his neck.

"You can't be strong all the time," Sirius' whisper was clear despite its cadence. "Let us be strong for you, even just for a little while."

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Harry had not slept, he had watched the sun rise over Sirius' bureau and the shadows dance across the floor and walls. He felt Sirius start to stir and Harry turned to face him. They stared at each other for a while. Foreheads inches apart, and Harry could feel Sirius' warm breath on his cheek. And then Sirius kissed him, and it was feathery kiss that was withdrawn almost as quickly and softly as it came. Sirius looked at Harry trying to judge his reaction and Harry moved forward and pressed his lips to Sirius' in response. Their kisses were soft and gentle, fluttering along cheekbones and eyelids, down the sensitive skin of the throat and peppered across shoulders. Sirius' hands ran over Harry's skin as if he was comparing a dream to reality, and Harry kissed him this time, deeper than before and their touches became more fervent, more possessive, and led on by a heady need. Sirius pulled Harry's shirt over his head and Harry rolled Sirius over onto his back and lay atop him. The skin of their chests tingling with the bare contact.

Sirius and Harry held each other's eyes and there was a strange understanding that passed between them.

"You know, right?" Harry said.

"I do." Sirius responded

"Me too." Harry whispered against Sirius' lips.

And Harry had kissed and licked his way down Sirius' chest and felt some of the darkness in his heart ebb away at the familiar sent and taste of the man, and the way Sirius' hands felt in his hair. There was something to this, this love that was in its very nature extraordinary and yet was the only thing that ever made Harry feel normal. And before Harry's mind lost the battle to his emotions and his senses, he thought that maybe that was why he had pushed so hard against it, and why Sirius had tried to destroy it. Neither of them had ever really known normal, they hadn't known balance, or simplicity. Everything had always been so complicated and to such extremes in their lives, how shocking to find something that simply _was_ for no other reason but that it _was._

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They had spent what seemed like hours memorizing each others bodies, and there was laughter and lightness, amongst the heavy emotion as this quiet reconciliation lifted a weight from their souls that both had lived with for so long, that they had forgotten it wasn't meant to be there.

They lay with each other in the bright light of the late morning content to imagine that this room encompassed the whole of the world. But their fantasy was interrupted when an owl began hurling itself at the window. Sirius looked over with a raised eyebrow.

"One guess as to whose determined owl _that_ is." Sirius said and Harry laughed into his shoulder. "You let him in."

"It's your house, _you_ let him in." Harry said burying himself deeper into the soft bed.

"Yea, but it's for _you_." Sirius said giving him a little shove.

"Prove it." Harry said with a challenge in his voice, and his smile hidden in the pillow.

Predictably, Sirius jumped up and went to the window, throwing it open with a flair that was all for show. He grabbed the owl and removed the letter and literally tossed the owl back out the window before slamming it shut.

"Aha! Mr. Harry Pierson!" Sirius said holding the letter up in victory. There was a moment where Sirius stared at Harry, and then Harry could no longer maintain his control and laughter burst from him. Sirius narrowed his eyes and then looked from Harry to the window, to the letter in his hand. The look of realization on Sirius face only caused Harry to laugh harder, "You! You…_tricked_ me!"

Harry laughed as Sirius dove back onto the bed and allowed the taller boy to pin his hand above his head. "You, Pierson, shall pay for that?"

"Promise?" Harry said and leant up to kiss Sirius who pulled away, offered a mock glare, and then kissed Harry hard.

The letter lay forgotten on the floor.

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Harry had outright refused to borrow any of Sirius' clothes, after spending years in Dudley's hand-me-downs, he had developed a strange phobia of wearing anything that wasn't really his. He had tried to clean the shirt at least, but as it turns out not even magic clears up blood. And with Sirius commenting that it made him look 'badass', they left for headquarters per the subtly demanding letter from Dumbledore. The Order had been waiting for nearly twenty-minutes by the time Harry and Sirius crossed the wards to the headquarters.

The chatter in the room stopped abruptly as Harry and Sirius entered together, and Harry noted the strange looks passed between Lily, James and Remus and the way Toby looked away. Harry moved to the end of the table where he sat down in the chair silently and lounged in a casual way that was unusual for him. Sirius took the seat to his right, and they looked to Albus expectantly.

There was an awkward silence following their entrance, and Harry knew they expected him to speak, but he was not in the mood to play the part they had written for him. After it became clear that Harry had no intention of taking the lead Dumbledore spoke.

"Good to see you could make it Harry." Albus said carefully and Harry nodded in reply. "How is Alex?"

"His mind has been torn to shreds, but aside from that he's quite well." Harry said in a deadpan, blank tone.

There was a startled silence in which Harry held Dumbledore's gaze with a fierceness that the old man could only take for so long.

"Well, we've to decide what our next step will be." Albus said. "Hogwarts will not reopen until January 3rd at the earliest."

"I think we ought to take stock and start rebuilding," Alastor said. "We lost nearly thirty at Hogwarts."

Harry drummed his fingers against the table and felt Sirius' rest his hand on Harry's thigh.

"I agree with Alastor, we've taken a heavy blow. Best to rebuild and be able to come back in full force." This was Kingsley in his deep baritone.

"Not to mention the Ministry is upon us now, they're questioning the methods used to defend the school." Gideon Prewett spoke out, "They're calling us vigilantes."

A few others nodded their heads gravely.

"Perhaps, we should wait it out a bit. Let things calm down." Alice Longbottom said softly.

Harry remained silent despite the furtive looks that were sent his way.

"We could gather some more information, find out where it would be best to strike and how." Minerva said in her severe way, which made almost anything sound like the best idea. "So that we may act, instead of react."

Again, the comment was followed by vigorous nods and murmurs. Still, Harry said nothing. The others talked around him, deciding how to recruit and how to prepare. Harry absentmindedly rubbed his thumb over the runes on his forearm.

"What do you think Harry?" It was Lily's voice that broke out across the scattered conversation. And Harry looked up and raised his eyebrows. If it had been anybody but Lily, he might have snapped and said something brutally honest in a cruel way. But he looked at her, with all her beauty, she looked tired and as though somehow she understood what he would say, and wanted him to say it so she could agree.

"Rudolphus LeStrange." Harry said and the others quieted even though his voice was quiet. Harry waved his hand and the folder he had stuffed in his pocket reappeared in front of him, he enlarged it and opened in front of him, "The Death Eater I killed."

His voice was unapologetic and he saw Moody tense as he said it. He pulled out photographs Severus' team had taken when they were gathering evidence. He began tossing them down on the table, letting them slide across until they stopped in front of random people. They were pictures of Rudolphus in his Death Eater robes, pictures of him speaking with Lucius Malfoy, Theodore Nott, and Regulus Black as well as many other well-known Death Eaters. There was a picture of him standing on the road from Hogsmeade that led to Hogwarts staring up at the school.

"Severus." Harry said without looking at the man. "Tell me what you knew of Rudolphus LeStrange."

There was a pause before Severus spoke, "Married to Bellatrix Black-LeStrange, no children. Influential in the Ministry, and we discovered several links to members of the Wizengamot. A member of Voldemort's inner circle, along with his wife. My source, informed me that he was bloodthirsty and a great champion of Voldemort's cause. He is known to have been at the attack on the Hogwarts Express, the attack on Hogsmeade, three mass attacks in London. He was at Hogwarts, of course."

Harry took some more photographs from the pile and like the others, slid them across the table. These photographs were much more disturbing than the first and there were startled gasps as they came to their quiet stop in front of those gathered around the table. These were not photos of the Death Eater, but of his victims.

"What else?" Harry said to Severus.

"My source also told me that he was one of the more violent and merciless Death Eaters." Severus continued and his tone was monotone, as if he were reading from a list of facts. "He was known to rape women until they begged for death, while their husbands and children were forced to watch."

Harry let the silence soak up the words.

"The Ministry may call me what ever they like," Harry said. "I am not afraid to be labeled a vigilante. You want to step back, stand down, and be quiet? Voldemort lost fifty Death Eaters at Hogwarts. He is weaker than he has been for a long time. Do not forget that he will be rebuilding too, and that his methods are much more _persuasive_ than ours."

"What you do is not right, it's murder.." This came from a man who Harry knew but couldn't place.

"Justice is not murder." Harry said coldly.

"Killing without law is murder." This was the first thing Dedalus Diggle had said at a meeting since the travesty at the Malfoy's, and Harry laughed at him.

"This makes us no better than them." Fabian Prewett, this time.

"Does it?" Harry asked throwing the last photograph out on the table. "Or does it simply make us even?"

All eyes fell on the final photograph, which was a horrific photograph of a small child, two maybe three, who lay broken and bleeding on the street. It had been taken after one of the London attacks.

"The law…has allowed this to go on for too long," Harry said staring at Moody, "My allegiance lies not with the Ministry, but with those who _cannot_ protect themselves. And if I have to kill every single Death Eater myself, to stop another child dying in the street, I will."

Harry stood now from his chair and leaned against the table, he looked to Lily whose eyes were not filled with the tears he expected, but a dark and fiery anger.

"You want to know what I think?" Harry said, "I think that if we strike now, we will come out the victors. I think that if we wait, we may as well wave the white flag of surrender. So, once again, I leave you to your decisions. For you will make them as we have seen so clearly, whether I agree or not."

____________________________________________________________________________

Harry had left the meeting, with Sirius close behind him. He stopped outside the wards and stood for a longtime staring out across the rolling hills of the countryside. It was at that moment that Harry felt himself lose control, as if he had been suddenly dropped off a cliff. And he was falling through memories, and suffocating in the chaos of guilt and pain, and hopelessness that surrounded his every thought. Suddenly, Sirius grabbed his hand and apparated for them both.

Seconds later he found himself standing on the stairs to his own house. He stared at the door and he felt Sirius move in front of him gently pulling at his hand. All Harry could think, was that just beyond that door was the kitchen where Alex ate breakfast, and the squishy chair he studied in, and up the stairs was his bedroom and beyond that the bathroom mirror where he and Harry had stood where Harry had taught Alex to shave after two hours of pleading. Alex wasn't here, and Harry didn't want to be either. Harry stepped back from the door and shook his head. He looked at Sirius who only nodded before entering the house and closing the door behind him.

Harry sat on the stairs and lit a cigarette and he focused on each inhale and exhale, and felt as if the smoke was the only proof that he was breathing. The door opened behind him and he stood as Sirius came out with a bag thrown over his shoulder. They didn't speak, but Sirius pulled Harry too him, took his hand and kissed him gently before apparating them again.

______________________________________________________________________________

Harry had found a strange numbness crawling into him and settling his thoughts. He allowed Sirius to lead him to the bathroom and undress him. He stepped into the shower and stood there as Sirius followed him in and turned the water on. He let Sirius wash him, and looked at him beneath the spray of the water. He was beautiful with droplets of water on his eyes. Harry focused on the tiny droplets and let everything else fade away as Sirius kissed him and held him close.

______________________________________________________________________________

When Harry woke up the next morning it was to the worst thing he had ever smelt in his entire life. As he made his way down the hall he could hear pots banging and loud punk music playing, and Sirius singing along. Harry watched Sirius from the doorway for several minutes, there was smoke rising off of what ever he was cooking but Sirius didn't seem to notice, or at least didn't seem to think it was unusual. He plated the food, which Harry suspected had to be eggs and bacon. Harry took a step into the kitchen just as Sirius turned around both plates in his hands, they collided sending eggs, bacon and toast flying as Harry fell backwards and Sirius followed him. The plates clattered to the floor Sirius had landed flat on top of Harry his hands bracing him on either side of Harry's head, he had egg in his hair, and a piece of bacon had settled on his shoulder. Harry had a slice of toast on his forehead, butter side down of course, and could feel the warm yoke that had broken seeping out onto his bare chest.

The surprise of the collision took several seconds to wear off and then Sirius reached up and peeled the toast off of Harry's forehead and it made a squelching sound. Harry could see the tight lines around Sirius' mouth and feel the rumble of laughter in his stomach which made Harry smile, and then grin and then they were both laughing and Sirius leaned down and kissed Harry lightly.

"Mmm…breakfasty." Sirius said as he waggled his eyebrows in a mock suggestive manner.

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Whether Sirius had been fired, quit, or gotten permission to take off, Harry didn't know and he didn't ask. They had built their own sanctuary in Sirius' tiny flat and they were safe from everything Harry flooed every morning to St. Mungos and tried to get an update. The most they had told him was that the treatment was showing promise and that they would let him know if anything important came up. But outside of that they had no contact with anything, or anyone outside of the flat. That was Sirius' doing. Harry maybe should have been bothered by the conversations that he overheard Sirius having when he thought Harry was napping or showering, but he wasn't, he was thankful.

First it was James, demanding to know why Sirius wasn't at work and telling Sirius the Order had gone mad after he and Harry had left. Sirius had brushed him off simply telling his friend that he needed to learn to just leave things be.

James was followed by Lily who had demanded Sirius call Harry so Lily could see for herself that he was okay, Sirius had told her Harry was fine and scoffed when she insinuated Sirius was keeping Harry captive.

Then it was Albus, whose concern held the undertone of a desperate need that Sirius didn't acknowledge but which grated at Harry's nerves. Toby had banged on the apartment door four fifteen minutes and then Harry had only heard Toby's demanding voice and Sirius' barking laughter.

The last of it was Remus, who didn't call until Harry had not shown up at home after two days. Remus' approach was more tactful. He asked if they were okay, and carefully suggested that maybe they would both be better served if they came to Mercer so Remus could cook for them. Sirius had been more friendly in his refusal, and Harry had stood around the corner in the hall as Sirius spoke into the floo.

"Rem. He needs this, he needs me." Sirius had said his voice low, "And I need him. We're doing okay here. Not starving I promise, Harry can cook you know."

Harry had smiled at this.

"All right," Remus had said, and Harry felt a surge of love for him. "I'll tell the others to back off. But don't stay away for too long. We're just worried about him you know."

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Sirius was anything but domestic, and Harry loved him for it. Harry didn't mind the cooking, or picking up Sirius' dirty clothes off the floor of every room in the apartment. Sirius made up for this by his humorous attempts at helping.

Harry sat on the couch in front of the fire leafing through a book on wizarding myths of immortality while Sirius was rummaging around in a closet. He had been in there for nearly an hour and occasionally a curse word or some random object would come sailing out the door, reminding Harry that he was not quite alone.

After another twenty-minutes there was a shout of excitement and success and Sirius came out of the closet proudly holding an acoustic guitar by its neck above his head in a clear signal of victory. Harry laughed at shook his head.

"Oh great, something that makes noise." Harry said with a smile in his voice, "There goes my quiet afternoon."

But Sirius was ignoring him has he repaired the strings on the guitar and settled himself on the floor. He began strumming and adjusting the strings, and Harry looked at him when he broke into a short tune.

Harry smiled. "I didn't know you played guitar."

"Uncle Alphord taught me. He knew it'd drive my parents mad." Sirius said with a wicked grin, "Which of course it did. I haven't even thought about it since he died…just packed it away I guess."

Harry nodded. "Play me something?"

Sirius looked at him for a moment and then sighed. "All right. But I haven't played in awhile."

Harry marked his page and set the book aside. After a few false start Sirius got a steady tune going and Harry smiled at the man sitting cross-legged on the floor, eyes closed head nodding along with the music. And then Sirius began to sing, and his voice was imperfect but still beautiful in its soft alto.

"_My words confuse you_

_My eyes don't move or blink_

_Cause it's easier sometimes _

_Not to be sincere._

_Somehow I make you believe,_

_When I speak I cross my fingers_

_Will you know you've been deceived_

_I find a need to be the demon_

_A demon cannot be hurt"_

Sirius was lost to the words and Harry couldn't take his eyes off of the man.

"_Honest is easy, fiction's where genius lies_

'_Cause it's easier sometimes not to be involved_

_Somehow I make you believe_

_When I speak I cross my fingers_

_Will you know you've been deceived_

_I find a need to be the demon_

_A demon cannot be hurt"_

Harry let the words wash over him and felt a strange sadness for Sirius well up inside of him and Sirius seemed to sense this and he looked up and smiled at Harry.

_When I speak I cross my fingers_

_Will you know you've been deceived_

_I find a need to be the demon_

_A demon cannot be hu--."_

And then Sirius' fingers stumbled on the strings and he looked at Harry with an apologetic smile and Harry opened his mouth to say something but before he could, Sirius was standing up grandly and strumming away unmercifully and doing his best Sex Pistols impersonation all around the living room. Harry imagined that what he had just witnessed was a rare and strange thing, and he was willing to bet his life, that James had never heard Sirius Black sing.

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It was after lunch, four days later and Sirius was losing badly at strip poker when Severus stumbled through the floo.

Severus stood for an entirely uncomfortable moment, and his tentative glance back at the fire, Sirius raised an eye at him.

"So, Sev…" Sirius drawled not at all concerned with the fact that he was wearing but a single sock. " Are you coming or going? Or _coming _and then going…or _coming _and staying?"

Sirius winked at Severus and though there was a slight pink tinge to his cheekbones Severus maintained a level of dignity, all things concerned.

"Really, Black. You are as vulgar as you are vain." Severus said and turned to Harry. "We've found _his_ headquarters. My team and a few others will move on your instruction."

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Okay, so two things. Please don't flame me about the song- (Demon, by Guster). I know it's slightly songficish…but it felt right that Sirius would play guitar and at least it wasn't some trashy love song or something. Secondly, anybody know Sirius' quote at the end? It isn't mine. If anyone knows it you get to be on my favorite-people-of-all-time list.

What do you think? Hmm? Hmm?

Fortune Cookie says: Your review of a certain story shall bring great happiness to someone.


	27. A Little Bit Broken

AN: I am absolutely overjoyed by how many of you KNOW Queer as Folk! Ah, we are kindred spirits. But that is beside the point. Your reviews are wonderful, and because they are I wrote another chapter in honor of those reviewers.

Furthermore, I would like to make a note of something. I received a review, which was pretty direct in its criticism of my writing. Which is fine, criticism is healthy. However, I want to make something clear to everyone. I do not have a beta, I know I could get one, and perhaps it would be best if I did. However, I am an impulsive writer (it is 1AM right now) and I like to be able to get chapters up quickly and immediately. I'm not a patient person. I feel like a beta would cramp my style. So, I'm sorry if it bothers you but I do hope those of you who enjoy the story will continue reading despite the errors.

PS- Thank all that is holy for auto-save, and auto recover. Because otherwise, I this chapter would not exist and would have leapt from my second story balcony to my own death.

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Harry stood impatiently outside a locked ward in St. Mungos. The blue-eyed healer, Foster his name was apparently, had flooed him early this morning and asked him to come to the hospital. There was something in his tone that had made Harry want to stay hidden away in he and Sirius' daydream reality. But he had gone, and now he was waiting. Sirius sat on the hard plastic chair to the right. Harry checked his watch again.

"Harry…why don't you sit down.." Sirius said, but he was on his feet a moment later when the healer came around a corner and headed toward them at a brisk pace. He waved his wand at the glass door in front of them and they opened.

"Mr. Pierson, Mr. Black." He said with a nod. "Come with me."

They followed him through the doors, which closed with a click behind them, and made their way down the corridor.

"Mr. Pierson, Alex, has regained consciousness." He said and Harry smiled at the brightness that came into Sirius' eyes, however, Harry could hear in the healer's tone that there was something else. The healer stopped at a door about halfway down the corridor and turned to face them.

"What is it?" Harry said glancing through the tiny window of the door. Alex was sitting on the bed reading, and Harry felt himself go weak with relief. "Did he…forget...us?"

The healer shook his head, and Sirius let out a loud 'thank Merlin'. But, Harry couldn't take his eyes of the window, Alex shifted and smiled at something in the book. Harry squinted and caught the title of the story, Repunzel. Of course.

"Alex…cannot speak." The healer said, and Harry turned his eyes to the man. "The area of his brain that controls his speech was damaged, and the potion did not repair it. He is still able communicate, write, read. But the synapses that are responsible for carrying a thought or intention to speak to the nerves that control speech function, are damaged."

Harry raised his eyes to the ceiling and shook his head. "What are the chances that they can be repaired?"

"Right now, it's not likely. But the knowledge we gain from this trial will help us to develop a better understanding…and perhaps, in the near future we will be able to target specific synapses. But for now…"

Harry nodded. "What about a magical component, similar to the magical eye?"

The healer shook his head, "In order to operate it would need to be able to receive the signals from his brain, just as his vocal chords would."

Harry rubbed his hands across his face. "What do we do?"

"Our recovery team has begun teaching him sign language, he's picking it up quickly. I would advise those closest to him to learn as well." The healer said, "As far as school and the like, there is a tool called a dicta-quill, which will read out loud anything he writes. We've been using that here. I'll have a couple more brought in for you."

Harry nodded once again staring through the window once again, Sirius spoke, "When can we take him home?"

"I'd like to keep him under observation for another week. We want to be sure there aren't any delayed side-effects."

Harry nodded, "May I go in?"

"Of course, of course." The healer said, "He's been asking for you. I think we've got twenty or so pieces of parchment just asking about you."

Harry smiled and then opened the door. Alex smiled when his eyes landed on Harry and he jumped out of bed, Harry moved quickly to the boy and pulled him into a tight embrace. Nobody spoke for a long time, Sirius hung back a bit letting Harry and Alex have their moment. Harry pressed his forehead to Alex's and the boy's face was blurred by the tears in his eyes.

"Little brother." Harry said his voice heavy with emotion, "You scared me nearly out of my head."

Alex smiled brightly and pulled Harry into another tight embrace. But the boy's silence was resounding and there was an ache in Harry's heart for it. Alex pulled away when he caught sight of Sirius and rushed over to him. Sirius pulled the boy into a hug and picked him up swinging him around in a circle. When Sirius set him down Alex's face was pure joy, and he looked from Harry to Sirius before motioning to the two chairs sitting beside the bed. Alex wandered over to the bed and sat down picking up a piece of parchment and a quill. Harry and Sirius sat and Sirius took Harry's hand. Harry caught Alex's glance as he caught sight of the movement and the huge smile that erupted across his face after.

Harry let out a breath and looked at the boy, "How are you feeling?"

Alex smiled still, and began scribbling on the paper, and a monotone voice rang out from the quill, it was indistinct and clearly unnatural. "All right, Harry, All right."

Harry nodded in response and watched as Alex continued scribbling.

"How is everyone?" Alex's quill spoke out again.

"Everyone is doing good, worried about you." Sirius responded. "Are you okay…with everything?"

Alex sighed and looked from Sirius to Harry whose eyes were misted again, Alex scribbled some more. "Please don't feel bad for me. It's all right, you know? I'm here you know? They told me that I might have been in a coma forever. How lame that would have been! Plus now I've got this wicked scar and I'm learning a secret language…I'm thinking that it's going to be super useful. Can't wait to teach Adam Terry to sign….nobody will know at all. It's going to be wicked."

Harry laughed despite himself, it was a testament to how Alex was doing that he was in full ramble mode. Alex chattered on for nearly an hour after that, filling up several spaces of parchment, tossing each aside after he had covered them with words. _This boy, _Harry thought, _is stronger than anybody I know._

After a bit Sirius stood and said he had to meet with Alastor and that he would meet Harry back at the flat, he gave Alex a hug and kissed Harry briefly before he left. Harry watched him go and turned to find Alex staring at him with a raised eyebrow.

"Well, I bet Padfoot is glad, just a little, that I got hung up in here." Alex's quill said and Harry creased his brows and frowned.

"Sirius would never want you to be hurt." Harry said.

"Yea, but it got you in his bed, at least." Alex wrote and he was laughing silently.

"You are a brat." Harry said ruffling the blonde curls as Alex continued to write.

"I'm just glad I could help." Alex winked at him and Harry shook his head, this boy had been spending far too much time with Sirius.

______________________________________________________________________________

When Harry arrived at the flat he was made aware of Sirius' mood by the overturned lamp and the pictures that were scattered on the floor. The chair that was on it's back, and the empty bottle of firewhiskey on the table. He heard Sirius' retching as he made his way down the hall and knelt on the floor next to him rubbing his back as the man vomited into the toilet. After a few minutes, Sirius sat back and wiped his mouth with his hand.

"You know, half a bottle of firewhiskey in two hours is a bit much, even for _Sirius Black_." Harry said pushing the man's long hair behind his ear.

"Not one of my better ideas." Sirius said and his voice was raw.

"Ah, well. The best laid plans…" Harry said softly.

Sirius leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. "This isn't fair. Alex is a good kid, he's lost both his parents, and now _this_."

Harry sighed. "Life rarely is fair, Sirius. You know that as well as I do."

"I hate this." Sirius said. "Before I met you…I didn't have to feel."

"I'm sorry." Harry said and looked away from Sirius' eyes.

"It's not…that's not what I meant." Sirius said, "It's just, I love you and Alex and you are both getting hurt and I can't stop it. And sometimes, I think that it would just be easier to not feel any of it. The love or the happiness, or the pain or the fear…"

Harry moved over and pulled Sirius into his arms, "Maybe it would be easier to not feel, but what's the point of living then?"

Sirius didn't respond he gripped Harry's t-shirt tightly.

"Sometimes loving people hurts," Harry said. "That's just life."

"Well it sucks." Sirius said and Harry laughed.

"Sometimes, mostly though…it's worth it."

______________________________________________________________________________

Harry had fire called Remus, James, and Lily and asked everyone to come to Sirius' flat that evening for dinner. Remus refused to allow Sirius and Harry to cook for everyone and said he would be bringing the food. When he showed up with bags of muggle Chinese takeout Harry laughed.

James and Lily arrived and there were hugs and kisses and a punch in the arm from James to Sirius. They sat around the table and Sirius and Harry filled them in on their visit to St. Mungos. Lily had cried, and James had raged about the injustice of it all. Remus had stayed silent pushing food around his plate.

"Rem?" Harry said after a while.

Remus had looked up, "Hmm?"

"All right there?" Sirius asked through a mouthful of food.

"Right, yes." Remus replied. "You'll be going to lessons then?"

"Yes, we start tomorrow. You all are welcome to come as well." Harry said, "You're all apart of his family too."

Lily and James agreed that they would go but Remus said nothing. Silence fell around the table and Harry looked at Remus, who eventually faltered under the intensity of the look.

"My mother…is deaf." Remus said.

And nobody said a word. Remus never talked about his family, even Harry knew very little about them. Only that his father had taken to drink after Remus had been bitten, and that he hated Remus for his condition. Remus only ever said one thing of his mother to Harry, _she is an extraordinary soul, forced to live an ordinary life._

"I know sign language." Remus said quietly before he got up from the table and walked into the kitchen. There was a tension at the table as they looked at each other, finally Harry stood and went after him.

Remus was standing with his palms resting against the counter and his head down. He flinched as Harry placed a hand on his back.

"What's the matter Rem?" Harry's voice was soft and Remus shook his head and sighed.

"You really want to know?" Remus asked meeting Harry's eyes.

"Yes. Of course." Harry said and Remus straightened up.

"Look into my mind then." Remus said and Harry hesitated. "Go ahead."

Harry locked eyes with Remus and pushed his way into the man's thoughts. A memory played before him like a muggle film in fast forward.

He stood behind a woman, and just beyond her he could see a large man red-faced and screaming. "Get out of the way, Willa, that monster deserves what's coming!" the man's voice rang out, "He is our son, John. Our Remus." And then the man brought his hand up and with a loud slap and as the woman fell, her head caught the side of the table. And then he was moving and he was at the woman's side and he was looking at her, and there was blood flowing from her right ear. And then he was being pulled away.

Harry brought himself from Remus' mind and they both staggered with the force of the separation.

"Hell…Remus…" Harry said and pulled the man into a hug. "Bloody fucking hell."

Remus said nothing but made no move to leave Harry's embrace.

"It seems I'm not the only one whose been fighting for years." He whispered to the other man, and Remus sighed. After a few moments they pulled away and Remus gave him a sad smile.

"Another grave secret from the werewolf." He said with a little bitterness.

"You want a secret of mine in return?" Harry said with a smile. Remus' raised his eyebrows and Harry laughed, "Hey fair is fair."

Remus shrugged and Harry met his eyes again, and pushed out images to him, Vernon Dursley forcing him into the cupboard when he was a child, bellowing at him with words like 'freak' and 'boy'. Dudley and his friends catching him just outside of the house on Privet Drive and beating him until they were bored. Harry sneaking out of his cupboard in the dead of night and stealing food from the refrigerator.

When he pulled back and looked at Remus who's forehead was creased with frown lines.

"We're all a little broken, Rem." Harry said, "But like Alex said today, it's all right and we all get to learn a secret language."

Remus pursed his lips in disapproval for a moment before he laughed and pulled Harry into a hug.

They spent the rest of the evening laughing and talking and having Remus teach them sign language. Much to Sirius' dismay, Remus absolutely refused to teach him any of the dirty words.

______________________________________________________________________________

Harry stood in Severus' study staring at the wall in front of him. A large map took over the majority of the space surrounding it there were pictures of the ruins of what had once been a grand stone castle. In several of the pictures Death Eaters materialized several meters from the castle and then promptly disappeared again.

"How did you get these pictures?" Harry said. "You couldn't have used magic, it would have set off the wards."

"Actually," Severus said from behind him, "Potter allowed us the use of his invisibility cloak."

Harry raised an eyebrow. "Careful, Severus, people will start to think that you're becoming friends with the marauders."

Severus scoffed. "As if I would _lower_ myself to such depths."

Harry laughed, "All right. Fill me in."

"We've known that this area had a lot of magical energy." Severus said, "But, it was a large area that we were searching in. It took us nearly four months to locate this place. After we procured the cloak we took shifts to watch it. We were there for nearly two weeks before we caught any activity, we never saw Voldemort himself. But there can be no doubt this is the place. They all come. They do it in shifts, but they all come."

Harry nodded. "What's the map?"

"I retrieved it from the Ministry archives. We looked at all the buildings in the area and this was the only one we didn't have record of from our search."

"So we can't be sure this is actually the building." Harry said, "He could have built an entirely different building."

"It isn't likely." Severus said. "This building would suit him."

"What makes you say that?" Harry said.

"It was presumed to be the home of Salazar Slytherian." Severus said and smirked when Harry shook his head in disbelief.

"He leaves a trail, doesn't he?" Harry mused, "Do you suppose he's aware of it?"

"I don't imagine he even considers that anyone would come looking." Severus said with a tone of bitterness, "His ego makes him blind."

"And _that_, Severus, my friend." Harry said and Severus rolled his eyes, "Is his greatest weakness."

______________________________________________________________________________

Harry, Sirius, James and Lily with the help of the recovery team at St. Mungos, Remus and many memory-enhancing potions, had begun to get a good grip on sign language. They had begun using sign language between themselves to practice and were for the most part able to communicate without words. Alex was still in St. Mungos, a few days after he had awoken he had begun to lose weight rapidly, and regardless of whether he ate five meals a day it continued to decline. The healers told Harry that it was the result of a specific ingredient in the potion, which affected the body's ability to absorb nutrients. They explained they could treat it but that it would take another week or two for Alex's body to respond, and that they did not want to release him until his weight held steady.

Harry visited Alex for several hours each day before he went off to his sign language instruction. Then he went to Severus' where they had begun developing a plan of action.

"I think we're going to need a team of at least forty." Severus said as they looked at the map. "We'll be out numbered, but we'll be better prepared. We have fifteen from my team alone."

"We'll have to do it without the Order." Harry said, "I don't think that Dumbledore or Alastor will agree to this."

"Harry, I do believe some of Potter and Black's stupidity is rubbing off on you." Severus drawled.

Harry looked at him, "What do you mean by that?"

"Honestly," Severus said with a shake of his head, "Aside from the aurors , all of those who have trained under Alastor are not loyal to him or even Albus. They are loyal to you."

"I don't know that I would agree." Harry said trying to understand where Severus' had drawn his conclusions from.

"It was you, Harry, who rushed to their aide at Malfoy's." Severus said. "Not Alastor, and most certainly not Dumbledore. And it is no secret amongst the others, that when you speak, Albus listens. Do not pretend you are not the leader of this war. They may respect Alastor and Albus greatly, but as I believe you once told me, _respect for one man is meaningless_. And you, Pierson, _are_ this cause because you live for and would die for it. Men are more willing to die for someone who would die for them also, than for someone whom they simply respect at a distance."

______________________________________________________________________________

To say that Alex had cabin fever would be an understatement. When Harry arrived in his room the boy was nearly bouncing off the walls. When he caught sight of him he turned to Harry and begun signing so quickly, Harry only caught the words _hate, annoying, white_, and_ bored._

"Alex, you're going to have to slow down. I can't understand half of what you're saying there." Harry sat down on the bed and watched as Alex took a deep breath and then began to sign more slowly.

**I can't stay in here anymore, I can't sleep, everything is white, and I'm unbearably bored.** Harry glanced up to Alex's eyes and gave him a little smile.

"Alex, I know you're bored. I know you want to go home. But the healers want to make sure everything's all right with your weight before you leave." Harry said and Alex frowned at him.

**I feel fine, my weight is back to where it was before, **Alex sent Harry a pointed look. **I don't like being here by myself at night.**

Harry sighed, "Alex, I know. It's only a few more days."

**That's what they said last week, and I'm still here. I want to go home now. **Alex signed and Harry shook his head.

"I want you home too, but I don't want you to get sick again. I couldn't bear it if something bad happened" Harry responded and the apology was heavy in his words. Alex stared at him for a few moments, lifting his hands and dropping them again as if he couldn't decide what to say next.

**I'm not safe here. I don't feel safe. **Alex's hand movements were slow and jerky and Harry met his eyes.

"Why don't you feel safe?" Harry said with heavy concern.

**I have nightmares. He's in my head. And I don't feel safe.** Alex responded but it was as if he hadn't wanted to have to tell Harry this.

"I thought you didn't remember what happened?" Harry asked carefully.

**I didn't. It's coming back to me. I didn't want you to worry, about the nightmares. I thought they'd go away. But they get worse and I can't be here by myself anymore.**

"Alex…have you told your healers this?" Harry asked and Alex shook his head.

**Just tell them to let me go home. I know it's only because I'm here that they're bad. ** Alex sat down across from Harry. ** Please.**

Harry shook his head. "No, you need to get completely well before you leave."

**I think you don't want me to leave, I think you want me to stay here so that I'm safe and hidden from him. **Alex said and the sharp movements highlighted the anger in his words.

Harry stood and walked across the room, his back to Alex, he closed his eyes and willed away the tears that had begun to gather. Suddenly , a glass came flying by him and crashed into the wall. Harry turned to find Alex standing, anger defining his features and clouding his eyes.

**Don't do that. It's not fair. **Alex's hands moved quickly but Harry caught the words, ** Don't turn away from me just because you don't want to see what I am telling you.**

Harry looked at the ground, guilt hitting him like a wall. "I'm sorry."

**I'm not a kid you know. I'm nearly twelve. **Alex signed and Harry smiled. ** You can't keep me locked up in here because you're afraid I'll get hurt. I'm safer with you than with anyone.**

Harry closed his eyes and heard Alex move closer to him. "All right. Compromise. You stay through to the end of the week. And then, if you're still doing good, I'll take you home."

Alex looked at Harry and it was clear that he was going to argue.

"No negotiation. It's only three more days. If you don't agree to it, then we'll let the healers decide." Harry said firmly.

Alex narrowed his eyes and made a flippant gesture, **Fine. But I can't promise I'll behave.**

______________________________________________________________________________

_12-13-1979_

_H._

_I hope this finds you well, and that your young charge is getting better. I am writing in apology for the way in which our last meeting ended. I do wish to see our side triumph. _

_I have located item five, do not worry I followed your advice and not allowed myself to fall victim to what it may offer. It has been taken care of._

_I am inquiring as to when you would like to locate and obtain item two. I know you said there are complications, but if you intend to strike, I imagine we must locate the rest on our list. Have you any further information on the others?_

_A._

______________________________________________________________________________

Harry needed to talk to three people, and he was uncomfortable with how much was dependent upon the outcome of those conversations. He rolled his conclusions around in his head again and could find no other solutions for the problem.

He looked at the clock, Sirius wouldn't be home for another four hours. _Well, best get to it. No use wasting time._

He apparated outside of the Malfoy's home and stood staring at the mansion, one would hardly believe it was the scene of a fierce battle only a few months prior. He stood at the gates and waited. As he expected a house elf appeared and the familiar bright eyes and bouncing steps of Dobby warmed his heart.

"Sir, my masters is out for a time." Dobby said. _Yes, 'out for a time' is one way of putting a life sentence in Azkaban._

"I am here to see your mistress." Harry said smiling down at the elf, which looked at him questionably before responding.

"Oh, sir, I is sorry but Mistress is not having visitors." Dobby said with a shake of his head.

"My name is Harry Pierson. An old friend of hers, I'm sure she will see me." Harry responded and Dobby's eyes lit up.

"I will ask her, it would sure be good for her to see a friend." Dobby said bouncing, "Its no good for her to be so sad in her condition."

The elf apparated away and left Harry staring up at the large, and imposing house. _Her condition_. Harry took a breath, here was yet another sign that Harry's being here had indeed changed the future. He had perhaps erased Draco Malfoy all together, or at the very least saved his future self from having to deal with the annoying prat in class. Unless...Harry wondered how wide the ripples of his disruption in time spread, could Lily…but before he could continue along that trail of thought, Dobby reappeared.

"Your visit has shocked the Mistress some." Dobby said with a toothy grin. "But she will see you."

Dobby snapped his fingers and the gate opened allowing Harry entrance. They made their way to the house and Dobby led Harry to a small parlor just off from the foyer. He disappeared to get Harry a beverage which he had denied wanting, but the elf had refused to take no for an answer. Harry stood looking around the room, which had a cold feeling to it, detached. He turned when he heard the door open and Narcissa entered.

She closed the door behind her and Harry noticed she had the journal in her hands.

"I imagine you have come to collect this." Narcissa said her voice was unemotional but he could hear the tiredness in it.

"I have." Harry said and she held it out to him, he took the book but caught her left wrist with his free hand. He turned her arm over and found unmarked pale skin. Narcissa pulled her arm away.

"I will not beg for your assistance, but I have held my end. And the Dark Lord knows nothing of it." Narcissa said and her voice did not waiver in its conviction.

"What would you consider an even trade?" Harry asked slipping the diary into the inner pocket of his jacket.

"Lucius, to be freed. And protection from the consequences of this." Narcissa said with a small gesture between them.

"Lucius is safer in Azkaban. You know your husband, Narcissa, he would not come to me for protection, he would go to Voldemort for my death." Harry said coolly. "I will, however, provide protection for you and your child."

Harry hoped he had not misread Dobby's words, but Narcissa confirmed them by absentmindedly bringing her hand to her stomach.

"How did—." She began but stopped herself, as if asking the question was a sign of weakness. "Very well. I want the protection."

Harry nodded and smiled gently at her, "I will have someone sent for you in a weeks time, get your things in order. And be prepared to be gone for an indefinite period of time. Start putting word out that you are going to visit family or on holiday, do not make it look suspicious."

Narcissa nodded and Harry took his leave.

______________________________________________________________________________

When he appeared back at his own home and prepared to floo to Severus' with the words of Narcissa from a future time ringing in his ears, _'Is Draco alive?"_

Harry stepped into Severus' study to find two other men there as well. Severus stood in front of the map and the men were arguing amongst themselves. The men stopped speaking abruptly when they saw Harry and Severus turned and inclined his head in greeting.

"Severus, I need to speak with you." Harry said. "Privately."

Severus nodded and addressed the two men, "Why don't you fools go argue about something else, _somewhere _else for a while. I'll send for you when we've finished."

The men nodded and made toward the floo, one of the men stopped just in front of Harry and held out his hand. Harry took it.

"Marc Poole." The man said in a gruff voice, "An honor."

Harry nodded to him and the man continued past him, the other man extended his hand as well.

"Dante Jordan" He said and Harry wondered if he was related to Lee. "Nice job on LeStrange. He was a nasty piece of work."

Harry shook the man's hand and the man released his grasp and followed Marc through the floo. Harry looked to Severus who was shuffling papers on the table with a definite smirk on his face.

"Oh, have at it already, Severus." Harry said taking a seat across the table and he could have sworn he saw Severus Snape _smile_, a small one, but still.

Severus waved his hand in dismissal, "What was it that you needed?"

"I need a favor." Harry said, "And you're the only one who can do it."

Severus raised his head and looked at him, "What is it?"

"I need you to collect a horcrux for me." Harry said.

"Me? Why not yourself or Albus?" Severus asked sitting down.

"Albus will lead you there, but you will have to collect it." Harry said, "The horcurx is within a potion, it cannot be drained without drinking."

Severus sat back in his chair, "What kind of potion?"

"It's a dark green, emerald, and it has a glow to it. When a person drinks it causes visions, or memories, painful memories." Harry said.

Severus took in a heavy breath, "Animusmorsus." Severus said. "That is not child's play."

Harry nodded, "Is there an antidote?"

Severus stood, "There is always an antidote." He said moving toward a bookshelf, he pulled a heavy black book down and flipped a few pages before handing it to Harry.

It was a recipe, and it looked far more complicated than anything Harry had ever seen.

"It has to be taken within twenty minutes of ingestion or it is useless." Severus said thoughtfully.

"Looks complicated." Harry said and Severus gave a short abrupt laugh and took the book back from him. "How long will it take?"

"Three days. But I can't do it on my own." Severus said and Harry looked at him in surprise, "I am only one man, Pierson, even with my skills I cannot stay awake for seventy-two hours straight. This potion requires constant rotation."

Harry nodded, "Who?"

"I would say Horace but he's not going to choose a side in this." Severus said with disgust, "There is only one other person I whose skills I would trust."

And Severus didn't have to say the name, because the look in his eyes made it clear.

Harry nodded slowly, "I'll speak with her. We need this done as soon as possible."

________________________________________________________________________

Harry returned to Sirius' flat to find the man sitting on the sofa strumming the guitar. Sirius had taken to playing the instrument often, he didn't sing, but he played some beautiful melodies. Harry imagined he used it to ease his stress, and that Sirius had something to help him cope gave Harry some comfort.

Sirius smiled and set aside the guitar when Harry stepped into the living room. Harry kissed him before sitting down next to him on the sofa.

"How are you?" Sirius asked.

"I'm all right. Been a long day." Harry responded.

"I stopped by to see Alex after work," Sirius said cautiously, "He feels bad for what he said."

Harry smiled, "He's a good kid. And he may have been right. I think part of me did want to keep him there."

Sirius put his arm around Harry's shoulders. "He doesn't blame you for it, he knows you're just worried for him."

Harry nodded. And then turned to Sirius, "There's something I need to talk to you about."

"Okay…" Sirius said.

"What would happen to the contents of the LeStrange's vault, if Bellatrix were to die." Harry asked and he didn't flinch from the knowing and disapproving look Sirius gave him.

"According to law, It all belongs to Bellatrix now, so if she has no will, it would pass to the first male heir in her family." Sirius said.

"Which would be you?" Harry asked.

"Which would be me." Sirius said slowly, and Harry knew that Sirius knew but neither of them said it. Instead, Sirius asked, "What does Bellatrix have in the vault that you want?"

"A piece of Voldemort's soul." Harry responded.

Sirius closed his eyes for a moment and didn't speak, and when he opened them he kissed Harry hard and then stood up. "What do you want for dinner?"

______________________________________________________________________________

Lily was easy to convince, and Harry thought, perhaps, excited at the chance to spend time with her old friend. She had agreed to take off the time from work to do it, and Severus had said they would start the next day.

Harry had taken the journal to Hogwarts and watched as it was destroyed. There was no memory of Tom Riddle this time, only the waiflike scream and a black mist that rose and then dissipated.

For the first time, in his entire life, he felt as though he was winning this war, or at least near to. And yet, at the back of his mind he knew this was not enough. Even if they managed to get the two remaining horcruxes, Harry knew they were not enough. But he had no leads.

Harry sat once again in front of the fire, still flipping through the book of myths that lay on his lap. He had long since given up paying attention. These stories were of no use to him, they were wandering dreams of delusional minds. But Harry was restless. They weren't to pick Alex up until the next morning, and Sirius was still not yet back from work. He went to the kitchen and put on a kettle for tea, carrying the book with him. Harry continued flipping through the thick volume as the water boiled, and then something caught his eye. It was a note from the author at the beginning of the next section. He read the words over and over in his mind, knowing there was something to this, but not knowing what.

Immortality is a dream which people cry for, and on their knees apply for,

dispute, contend and lie for, and if allowed would be right proud Eternally to die for.

Harry stared at the page, the last four words repeating in his mind. _Eternally to die for. _His thoughts rolled around in his head like a million marbles thrown on the floor. _To die…eternally…to become immortal…death…life…immortality…to die for immortality…eternally._

Harry stared at the page with such concentration that he didn't hear the kettle whistle, or Sirius come home, he was aware of Sirius' presence and understood the man was talking to him. But he didn't let his focus drop.

_How does one gain immortality by dying eternally… death…death…__eaters__…Merlin…it was so obvious._

Harry's head snapped up and he tore the page from the book and turned to Sirius who was clearly startled by the sudden reaction.

"I need a Death Eater." Harry said still overwhelmed with his thoughts and Sirius looked at Harry and cocked his head, clearly trying to determine how best to respond. Harry grabbed Sirius' hand and propelled the two of them out of the kitchen, through the living room and into the floo. He threw a handful of floo powder and barely caught Sirius' startled expression as they spiraled away.

They arrived in the kitchen of Mercer house to find Lily, James and Remus sitting around the table in the middle of dinner. They looked up surprised and Sirius shrugged at James' questioning gaze. Harry without a word and with excited shaking hands threw nearly the entire jar of powder into the floo. He stuck his head into the flames and looked around the clean, sophistication of Toby's flat, he caught movement out of the corner of his eye.

"TOBY!" Harry shouted. "Come to Mercer now!"

Harry pulled himself back from the flames and stood dusting off his jeans. He began pacing, his thoughts were bouncing around and he needed Toby for this. He could feel the others staring at him. When Toby appeared in the kitchen looking a bit putout and only half-dressed. Harry briefly wondered if he was shagging someone, but the thought was overridden with the knowledge he now had.

"What the bloody hell, Harry." Toby said looking around at everyone else, "You can't just come shouting from the floo…"

"The Death Eaters." Harry said to the group at large. "It's all in the name, fucking hell, how Dumbledore didn't see it…" Harry shook his head.

"Harry…mate…you've lost us." James said with a lopsided grin, and Harry took the glass of wine Lily offered him.

"Calm down and tell us what's going on." She said giving his shoulder a gentle touch.

Harry sat down at the table and Toby perched on a stool. Harry pulled the paper from his pocket and handed it to Remus who sat to his left. Harry nearly laughed at the frown that creased Remus' face as he noted the page had been torn from a book. He watched Remus carefully as he read, hoping the man would catch the same train of thought as he had. There was a long moment in which Remus stared at the paper, and everyone stared at him.

Remus' brown eyes turned to him and he said, "We need a Death Eater."

Harry grinned and Sirius groaned, "Will someone tell me what the bloody hell is going on!?"

Harry stood again, the adrenaline in his blood making him antsy. "Immortality is the opposite of mortality, but it is not life versus death, it's the ability to die versus the inability to die."

Harry caught Toby's eye and knew the man was following. "It's not that Voldemort cannot die, it's that we are unable to kill him."

Remus nodded but everyone else seemed to be waiting for something more, Harry turned to Remus.

"What, Harry means, is that Voldemort is not invincible, it is only that there is something stopping him from dying." Remus said. "We shot four killing curses at him, he _was _wounded. But he didn't die."

"So what's stopping him then?" Sirius asked.

"The Death Eaters?" James put in, "But how?"

"The mark." Toby said realization dawning on him.

Harry nodded at him, "I'm willing to bet that when we hit him with those curses, while Voldemort didn't die, four Death Eaters did."

______________________________________________________________________________

**The immortality quote is a slightly bastardized version of a quote by Ambrose Bierce.

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

I would enjoy it,

If you would review.


	28. Bad Decisions

AN: So sorry for the long wait on this one. I struggled a lot here and I'm not entirely sure I'm happy with it. Please review and let me know that it wasn't awful! Lol.

_Notes:_

Bellatrix's money- Here's the thing, I'm studying to be a paralegal and we just got over this section on inheritance. So here's how I got the logic: Rudolphus and Bellatrix marry, when he dies, everything becomes hers, unless Rudolphus has a will (which in this story he does not). So, if Bellatrix dies and has no will, everything of hers would go to her next heir, (I'm inventing the 'next male heir' thing) in this world, men inherit before women (with the exception of marriage) because they've still got the 'old traditions', so Sirius would be the next male heir in her family and thus would inherit everything. Rudolphus' brothers get nothing because he didn't leave anything to them in a will.

Also- some of you were spot on with your predictions. HA! Read and discover.

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Harry sat in a metal chair that was stuck to the ground. The room was bare of anything other than a table and two chairs. There was a coldness to the room that seemed to seep into his bones, and grab hold. He had been waiting for perhaps half an hour, and yet it seemed like so much longer. When he had walked through the corridors he had heard the dark and tragic voices wailing their insanities and he had refused to summon his patronous in the face of the dementors. It was foolish, he knew, but he had refused to relent to fear, he was no longer the child running down the alley in Little Whinging. He tapped his fingers against the table and then wondered why he always did that, and stopped as he contemplated it. He waited.

Another half an hour went by and then the door opened. Two aurors escorted man in; he had no chains on, no handcuffs, no magical bindings. Because nobody ran in Azkaban, freedom is pointless without a soul. The man was seated in the unmovable chair across from Harry and did not look up at him. The aurors left and closed the door behind them. Harry stared across the table at the dirty and tangled, blonde hair that hung down across the face of Lucius Malfoy. Harry said nothing, he waited in silence and finally Lucius looked up. His eyes were such a dark blue they were nearly black, and already Azkaban had given them a haunted sheen. There were lines around his eyes and his skin was dry and dirty. But beneath the grime, and the misery there was still the strong features and the hard set of jaw that spoke of the haughty aristocrat Harry had known for so long.

"I have a proposition for you Lucius." Harry said and waited for the man to acknowledge the words.

"I am no traitor." Lucius spat and Harry gave a curt nod, and stood abruptly. He moved to the door feeling Lucius' curious eyes on his back. Harry paused as his fingers closed around the door handle.

He recalled Narcissa's words, _'Is Draco alive?"_ he remembered her and Lucius sprinting across the fields screaming for their son.

"If you ever had a son, what do you suppose you would name him?" Harry asked but didn't turn.

Lucius did not speak but the absence of a snide remark, spoke more than words could have and Harry paused a moment longer before speaking again.

"What do you suppose he would look like?" Harry queried, now looking at the man who was trying to hide his confusion. "What do you think his first word _will_ be?"

And Harry tipped his hand. Lucius raised his eyes and looked at Harry, there was a strange palpable fear that radiated from him and understanding dawned across his features.

"No." Lucius said the word was a whisper and filled with a frightened sadness uncharacteristic of the man Harry had known and Harry looked at him offering a sad smile.

"It is time you put your bad decisions to good use," Harry said. "I'm offering you the chance to give your child a father to be proud of."

Lucius straightened his body and with a determined yet resigned look, nodded his head.

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Remus and Harry had gone to collect Alex from St. Mungos. Sirius had wanted to take off work but James had dragged him from the flat muttering about being partnered with a five-year old.

Harry signed the last of the release forms and then they made their way down the corridor. When the entered Alex's room, Harry was struck with a force that knocked the wind out of him as the boy threw himself into Harry's arms before pulling back and hugging Remus.

**You've come to rescue me then? **Alex's hands moved feverishly. **The healers are not so happy about me leaving, but I'm so glad! Can I write to Adam when we get back? Where's Sirius? Can we stop and visit with Lily before we leave? Is everybody coming for Christmas it's only in a week now?**

Remus chuckled as he watched the boy's hands fly, and Harry smiled before beginning to pack the things that they had brought up for Alex.

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Harry had left Remus and Alex at the house playing exploding snap, and flooed to Sirius' flat. He needed to get his things before he returned home for good and there was a strange sense of foreboding that followed him as he stepped into the flat. Sirius must have just gotten home; Harry could hear the sound of the shower as he went down the hallway to the bedroom. He picked up his bag, which had been shoved in a corner. He set it on the bed and began picking up clothes that had been haphazardly tossed on the ground. He went to the bureau and opened the top drawer sorting out his socks from Sirius' and thought about the past three weeks and how easily their everyday life had become so intertwined. He placed the clothing and the books in the bag and looked around the room again, not quite able to shake the soft sadness that was weighing on him. He sat down on the bed and ran his hand across the sheets before pulling a pillow to him. He picked it up and crushed it to himself. Taking a deep inhale he caught the steady comfort of Sirius' scent. He shook his head, _this is stupid, _he thought, _it isn't as if I won't see him again._

But even still, he felt like the happiness they had felt and the comfort they had achieved was only the result of their being sequestered away and that it would fade the further away they got from it. Harry set the pillow aside and looked up to find Sirius standing in the doorway, towel around his waist, hair still wet from the shower. He could see from the look in his eyes that they both held the same fear.

"Alex get home all right?" Sirius asked and Harry nodded as the other man made his way to the bureau and opened a drawer. His hand faltered as he noticed Harry's things missing, and then he pulled out a pair of under-shorts and closed the drawer a little harder than necessary. Sirius didn't look at Harry as he toweled himself dry and dressed, and neither of them spoke. Sirius finished dressing and turned to face Harry.

"I have to go Sirius." Harry said his voice just above a whisper, not wanting to say the words.

Sirius only nodded and he ran a hand through his wet hair.

"Come with me." Harry said, trying to meet Sirius' eyes.

Sirius closed his eyes and shook his head. "No."

"Sirius…" Harry repeated. "Come with me."

Sirius looked at Harry finally. "No."

"Why not?" Harry asked quietly.

"I have the flat, and…" Sirius said without any real meaning behind it.

"Come with me." Harry said again.

"I can't. I have things…" Sirius said unable to define what things he had.

"Fine then." Harry said standing, suddenly overwhelmed with anger at the man. He didn't understand how things could be so good between them, and feel so right and yet, there always seemed to be these bridges they couldn't, or wouldn't cross. "I'm going."

Harry moved past Sirius with the bag slung over his shoulder, anger boiling up inside of him as the man still refused to say anything. Sirius grabbed Harry's arm and Harry lost control.

"What?" He yelled as Sirius flinched back at the words.

"I'm sorry." Sirius said but there was no weakness or submission in his voice.

"You're always _sorry_, Sirius." Harry said his voice loud and strained. "You know, I get that you had a fucked up childhood and you're parents were right mad. But honestly, it's a tired act. Either you want me or you don't. If you don't want to live at Mercer, fine. But tell me the truth about why, stop with the stuttering bullshit and be a man."

"Be a man?" Sirius said and Harry could hear the defensive anger in his voice, "And you think _this_ is manly."

Harry looked at Sirius and felt the burn of pain from the comment, his voice was low and even when he spoke again. "You know, you are a complete idiot. You can shag me, and you can kiss me, and hold my hand, and whatever else…but I ask you to come live with me to be with me, out in the real world…and that's _unmanly._"

Harry knew, and he knew that Sirius did too, that this argument was a fabrication. That their feelings hadn't changed, that it wasn't a matter of Sirius not wanting to be with him. It was fear, it was fear that their tentative happiness wouldn't hold, because they knew how bad things could get, and how quickly. Harry didn't want to argue, he wanted to pull Sirius to him and beg him to just come home with him, so that he didn't have to wake up alone, so that they could still fight over the paper in the morning, so that he didn't have to miss him, but he didn't say any of that. He stared at Sirius and said nothing.

"You should be focusing on the things you have to do and Alex now that he's home." Sirius said but didn't meet his eyes. "And I've got work and things with the Order."

"That's bullshit, Sirius." Harry said and Sirius turned to him

"No, _this_ is bullshit." Sirius said with an ugly tone. "Who are we kidding here? It isn't going to work."

Harry was shocked when his fist connected with Sirius' jaw, and he stepped back a little bit as he watched Sirius stumble before straightening himself, and touching the corner of his mouth where his lip had split. And then Sirius hit him, and black dots appeared in his vision and his cheek burned with pain. He threw himself at Sirius and they both fell to the floor, they struggled, and they fought with a violent desperation, each of them relishing in the pain as another blow landed. When Sirius had managed to pin Harry's arms to the ground Harry did not meet his eyes. After a minute, Sirius released one of Harry's hands and turned Harry's face to him.

Sirius crushed his lips down on Harry's with a force that caused their teeth to knock together and Harry wrenched his hand free and pushed Sirius over not breaking the kiss. Sirius' hands found the hem of Harry's t-shirt and pulled it roughly to over his head. His lips found Harry's throat and his kisses were hard, and his teeth bit into the skin, he broke contact and pulled his own t-shirt off and Harry's hands went to the buttons of his jeans. Their movements were forceful, and their kisses and touches feverish. Harry stood puling Sirius with him and then pushed him down on the bed pulling Sirius' pants off and letting his own fall to the ground, he climbed on top of Sirius, who immediately rolled Harry on to his back. They fought for dominance, and the only sounds they made were quiet groans and loud breathing.

Afterwards, Harry sat up on the edge of the bed with Sirius sprawled out behind him and looked around the room. He felt a throbbing in his cheek, his eye and his nose. His head was spinning from the force of the fight and the violent sex that had followed. _What the fuck was that._ He asked himself but didn't have an answer.

He felt the bed shift and Sirius' hand come around his waist as the man sat up behind him. Sirius placed a gentle kiss on the back of Harry's neck and when Harry didn't respond he laid his head on the man's shoulder. Harry leaned back into the embrace. They sat like that for several minutes, listening to each other's breathing.

"Come with me." Harry said.

"But what if…" Sirius didn't finish his sentence as he buried his head in Harry's neck.

"It has to get real sometime." Harry responded.

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When Harry arrived at Mercer, Remus was reading in front of the fire, he glanced at Harry briefly and then upon a second look closed his book with a loud thud.

"What the _hell_ happened to you?" Remus said approaching Harry and turning his face to get a better view of the large purple bruise on his cheek.

Harry dropped the bag to the floor and pushed Remus' hands away. "I'm fine, Sirius and I…"

"_Sirius _did this to you!" Remus' voice exploded and before Harry could explain the floo lit up and Sirius stepped out carrying a bag of his own. Remus, not seeing the damage to Sirius' face in his rage, lunged at him.

"What is your—." But he wasn't able to finish as Harry stepped in front of Sirius and put his hands on Remus' shoulders.

"Rem, stop." Harry said. "It's not what you're thinking. I started it alright?"

Remus took a deep breath and looked at Harry and a little closer at Sirius, taking in the fat lip and puffy left eye.

"Yeah, Moony. Harry's not exactly a damsel in distress." Sirius drawled and gave Remus a wink as he stepped around Harry giving him a kiss on the cheek as he did. He patted Remus on the shoulder and then made his way out of the living room in to the hall.

"Sirius is moving in." Harry said and Remus looked at him strangely.

"The two of you're a fucking mad." Remus said in exasperation.

"Don't I know it." Harry laughed as he made to follow Sirius.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Harry didn't know how Dumbledore got Malfoy moved from Azkaban to the abandoned house they were using to test the mark. He didn't know, how the man wielded the power in the Ministry just enough to get what he needed and escape any type of criticism for it. Harry found this not knowing comforting, sometimes it was oppressively hard to know the future.

It was a week later that Harry was waiting for them to report to him, Remus hadn't been home since they had begun the work and Harry imagined neither of them had slept much. Toby had flooed early this morning to tell Harry they would be by in a few hours' time to tell him what they found. There was an excitement to his voice but also a dark dread, and it left Harry on edge. Harry was tense and irritable, Alex was avoiding him after an incident this morning where Harry had overreacted to the boy's innocent curiosity about his tattoo. Harry had apologized and they had hugged, but the boy still kept his distance.

Harry paced the kitchen, a cigarette hanging from his lips. It was not just Toby's strange tone that had thrown Harry, but also that Snape and Dumbledore had left only an hour ago in search of the locket hidden in a bowl of poison. Snape had taken his family house elf to help him with the task, just as Regalus had done. The logical part of Harry's mind told him nothing could go wrong, but the realistic part of his mind told him that very rarely did things go right. Snape and Dumbledore were to return to Hogwarts and destroy the locket once they obtained it and then Dumbledore was to floo to Harry to let him know the mission was complete, and that Snape had made it out alive.

Harry's stomach was in knots and he lit another cigarette, he didn't care that Remus would _murder_ him for smoking in the house. Images of Albus' strained face and tortured cries rose again and again in his mind. The sound of voices in the other room brought Harry from his thoughts as he made his way across the kitchen. Toby and Remus were dragging Lucius through the floo, and Harry stared at them unable to comprehend the situation with anything other than shock.

"What the _hell_ are you doing?" Harry's voice was too loud and too harsh to be appropriate. All three men looked up to him with a flash of fear in their eyes. "You brought him here? I could have come to you!"

Toby raised his hands in mock surrender letting a bound Lucius fall to the ground with the thump. "Hey, mate, we can't try the spell in that house the wards are too strong they drain the energy. What's got you so hyped up?"

Harry narrowed his eyes at Toby before letting his gaze fall to the ungraceful heap that was Malfoy. While Harry was distracted Remus had come up beside him and plucked the cigarette from his lips.

"I cannot believe you are smoking in the house." Remus said in a tone Molly Weasley would have been proud of, but the stress of the circumstances forced Harry to bite back a snide comment.

Toby wagged his finger at Harry as he literally dragged Lucius from the ground and propelled him into the kitchen.

Lucius was settled at the table. His arms released but his feet still bound as he sipped delicately from a cup of tea.

Harry's eyes shot from Lucius to the door in apprehension, as he directed his words at the other two men.

"So, what did you find that you felt it appropriate to drag a Death Eater into our home?" Harry asked and wanted to laugh when Lucius rolled his eyes.

"We think we've got something." Toby said. "We think we've got something really good."

"Then spill it already," Harry said impatiently as he glanced at the clock_, an hour and a half, where the hell was Dumbledore. _

"We've got confirmation that the marks are definitely tied in with the life force of the death eaters." Remus said. "We were able to follow the threads of the magic and found that it is connected to an outside source, we were then able to tap into that source line and attach it to an a separate external factor."

Harry's brow creased in confusion. "Not sure I follow, what do mean by _separate external factor?_"

Remus glanced at Toby, "We attached the source of the magic to me. Now it was only half of the source, we didn't completely remove it from Voldemort. But we—."

Harry raised his hand and rolled his lips into his mouth in an effort to stop himself from screaming at the man after a minute his voice came out low and disapproving, "You did what?"

"Harry…we had to test it." Remus said with exasperation and a hint of shame, "There wasn't that much risk."

Harry laughed darkly, "Right. Well, let me ask you this. If Voldemort had stepped in front of a killing curse at that moment and Malfoy here happened to be the next in line for martyrdom, how sure were you that it wouldn't have carried down from him and killed you both?"

Remus didn't say anything for a moment, "We weren't."

"Mmmhmm." Harry muttered and reached into his pocket withdrawing a cigarette and lighting it with his wand.

Remus opened his mouth to speak and then closed it again when Harry raised an eyebrow.

"Anyway," Toby said as Harry took a long drag. "I fired a curse at him, _a small curse_, and Malfoy here was covered in purple spots."

Remus spoke again "Lucius told us that they gave an oath prior to the mark being burned into their skin."

All three eyes fell on the blonde Death Eater, who made a good show of setting down his cup and looking at them before sighing.

"I don't recall the exact words, it was a long time ago." Lucius' words were carefully chosen and perfectly spoken. "The one phrase I recall is _unto myself, the darkness drains, the end of the end of the river of life._"

Harry stared at the man for a moment, and glanced at the other two and suddenly he couldn't stop laughing. It was as though the tension in him had broken and the absurdity of the situation was nothing short of pure hilarity.

Toby stared at him with a confused look, Lucius looked startled but Remus had a small smile playing on his lips.

Harry looked at Lucius and shook his head clearing the laughter from his throat. "Did that phrase not make you stop for a minute and think '_well, hell, this may not be such a good idea after all'_."

Lucius gave a look of mixed loathing and offense but replied demurely, "At that point, thinking it wasn't a good idea would have done me more harm then good."

Harry was startled by the directness, and the truthfulness in the statement. His mirth died off and he nodded. "So, we've got proof of the problem, what's the solution."

Remus sat up a bit straighter and glanced at Malfoy who had returned to his tea. "We've got two solutions."

There was a long moment where Remus and Toby had a silent battle as to who had to admit it.

Finally, Toby sighed and spoke up. "The hard way, would be to kill off as many Death Eaters as possible, lowering the pool of succession Voldemort has to draw on, and then trap Voldemort and basically fire off on him until there aren't anymore left."

Harry shook his head, "Right. Well, that's obviously not going to work. I don't imagine he'll hang around and let us fire off killing curses at him just for the fun of it. What else have you got?"

"We'd have to go to the source and cut the ties the mark creates." Remus said.

"And do you know how to do that?" Harry asked taking another long drag on the cigarette and glancing at the clock again.

Toby stood and moved over to Lucius, "That's what we wanted to show you."

Lucius looked surprised and wary as Toby approached him and took hold of his left arm. "Now remember, this is on a much smaller scale, so it's easy enough to do."

Harry watched as Toby laid his hand over the top of the mark on Lucius arm, closed his eyes and was silent for a minute. Suddenly, Lucius screamed and it was a loud pain filled sound that lasted for a full minute, but Toby did not break his grip on the Death Eater's arm as Lucius struggled against him. Finally, Toby pulled his hand away and turned his palm out. A small wisp of dark smoke drifted through the air, and Harry glanced down at Lucius' arm, which was bleeding as if someone had taken a knife and carved out the lines of the mark.

Lucius was gasping in pain, there was sweat rolling off of his brow and tears running down his face.

Harry looked at Toby, "All right, what the hell was that?"

"Simple unbinding. I was surprised when we caught it at first. I thought he'd go for something more complicated, but it's just a simple, albeit dark, binding spell. You can work it apart by infusing your personal magic into it and breaking it down."

Harry nodded, his eyes on Malfoy's bloody wrist.

"He can't heal it, and he'll always have the scars." Remus said from across the table, "The connection is gone though."

"So, how much more complicated is this going to be with Voldemort.?" Harry said.

"Well, aside from getting close enough to him to put a hand on his own mark…" Toby said with a sigh, "With Malfoy, it's just unbinding him from one person. With Voldemort…who knows how many Death Eaters there are…and each one would have to be unbound. It's going to take an extraordinary amount of focus, and power."

Harry took another drag. "You'll have to show me how this is done. And we'll have to practice."

"Harry…you can't be thinking…" Toby said with surprise in his tone, "We thought Dumbledore…"

Harry shook his head and noted that Remus wouldn't meet his eyes, "It has to be me."

"You could die from that much strain on your magic." Toby said looking to Remus for support but the other man remained silent.

"Then so be it," Harry said with a wave of his hand, but spun when he heard sudden and loud footsteps behind him. As he turned he caught sight of Alex as he fled from the room. "Fuck."

______________________________________________________________________________

Harry had followed Alex up the stairs but found that the boy had locked himself in his room by pushing what was probably his bureau up against the door. Harry had his wand out and pointed at the door ready to simply force it open when he heard footsteps on the steps behind him. He turned to find Sirius standing at the top of the steps.

"How about I give it a go?" Sirius said with a look that told Harry he had spoken to Remus and he was not happy with what he had found out.

Harry sighed dropped his wand and stepped aside.

"Alex…It's Sirius. I'm going to come through now. Stand away from the door." Sirius' voice was soft and caring, as it always was when he spoke to Alex.

He raised his wand and whispered a spell and the door pushed open and the sound of the wood scraping against the floor was loud and grating. Sirius looked toward Harry and jerked his head in the direction of the stairs. Harry sighed again and then headed for the stairs and Sirius closed the door behind him.

In the kitchen, he found Remus sitting alone with a cup of tea at the table. Harry sat down in front of him and didn't say anything. Remus slid an envelope across the table towards Harry.

"This came for you while you were upstairs." Remus said and Harry picked it up and opened the letter.

_H._

_We've obtained item two. It has been taken care of. S- is ill, but we do believe he will recover._

_A_

Harry sighed in relief and then lit the paper on fire and watched it burn. He looked up to find Remus staring at him with a strange intensity. Harry got up and moved to the icebox to pull out a butterbeer, he opened the lid and took a drink trying to avoid Remus' eyes.

"You know, I've always hated my name." Remus said casually but there was an undertone that caused something deep inside Harry to tense. "It's an unusual name, you see, and all I ever really wanted to be is normal."

Harry took another drink and looked around the kitchen for some sort of distraction. "Yea."

"I looked it up once, in the records at Hogwarts." Remus continued on in a conversational tone, "Can you believe there has never been another Remus at Hogwarts, _ever_."

Harry forced a smile to his face, "I really don't know what you're on about, Rem."

And suddenly, with a quickness that most people forgot Remus had, the man was standing in front of Harry and staring at him. Harry couldn't breathe.

"Are you going to lie to me right now?" Remus asked, his eyes not straying from Harry's. Harry didn't need to ask him what he meant, and he didn't want to _know_ either.

"Rem…" Harry tried but his voice was heavy with trepidation, and the edges of his vision blurred as panic threatened to overtake him.

"_Remus, Sirius, James and Lily." _Remus said grabbing Harry's arm, his fingers curling against the runes.

Harry pulled his arm away with such force that he caused himself to overbalance and nearly fall. He righted himself and found support by gripping the counter behind him.

"Those names, are no coincidence, Harry. Neither are you strange knowledge of everything to do with Voldemort." Remus said, his voice calm. "I am not stupid."

"I…" Harry looked at him out of desperation but found himself faced with unreadable eyes.

"I've known for a long time Harry. And I respected it, I let it go. Because…" Remus drifted off as he lost some of the strength in his words. "Because…I was selfishly glad you were here, and I thought that even if you were _lying_, there was a good reason."

Harry nodded mutely.

"But _this._" Remus said coldly. "Is not a good reason. You're going off on a suicide mission."

"I have to." Harry said. "It's why I'm here."

Remus laughed harshly and Harry flinched at the sound, "And what of the rest of us? What about Alex? Or Sirius? What about _me_?"

Harry shook his head, "I have to…it's not that I want…"

Suddenly Remus pulled him into a tight embrace, "You aren't allowed to die, Harry. I don't' care if you came back from the future to save the world. You are not allowed to die. Do you understand me?"

"I can't promise you that." Harry whispered.

"You better damn well promise me." Remus said. "You came here, and you made yourself apart of our lives. You better promise me and you better keep it."

Harry sighed but didn't say anything.

"It will tear us all apart, Harry." Remus said. "All the good you have done…it will tear us apart."

"I know. I can't promise you though." Harry said as he pulled away from Remus. The man's shoulder's sagged and he nodded glumly. "I'll do my best."

Remus rolled his eyes and gave him a little shove. "So, _when _exactly are you from?"

Harry laughed. "I can't believe you're so casual about this."

Remus raised his eyes and then pointed a finger at himself, "Werewolf."

Harry laughed again and shook his head. "Please don't tell the others…there are some things…I just…can't talk about."

"Not even Sirius?"

Harry closed his eyes. "Especially not Sirius. I'm not going back, I can't anyway. This is my life now, and after this war…everything _before_ isn't going to matter."

Remus looked at him with a deep sadness but nodded.

"So, _when_ are you from?" Remus asked again.

"About 18 years from now." Harry said and Remus laughed.

"You're not even born yet!" He said with amusement. "You knew us though?"

Harry smiled, "You were my Professor, actually."

And Harry didn't care if it changed the future, all he cared about was the look of happiness and pride that came over Remus at the words.

Harry looked at him before adding, "The best one I've ever had."

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	29. Straddler of Time

AN: I have no notes, it's nearly 3AM. Such is my dedication to my lovely readers. ENJOY!

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Snape and his team had been trailing Bellatrix for weeks, and they had done so on Harry's order, without informing anyone else. They reported to him, and only to him. Their information coupled with that from the spies inside the Death Eaters was what had told Harry he could find Bellatrix LeStrange apparating back to her home, no earlier than seven no later than ten, every Friday night. Harry stood only a few meters away from the gates of the LeStrange mansion, half a step back from where the wards began. And he waited. He smoked a cigarette and thought about how Remus' nagging had gotten worse since their conversation in the kitchen. It was almost as if Remus thought that by suffocating Harry with care and concern, it would stop the things that had to come, and Harry let him do it, because he knew it helped the other man some.

Sirius hadn't spoken to him for a long time after he came down from Alex's room. Remus had taken his leave after an unbearable thirty minutes of tense silence. Sirius stared at Harry and Harry stared back in defiance, but he couldn't shake the words Sirius had said. _I may be fucked up, Harry, but I know what I live for. You…surrounded by people who love you, need you, and would do anything for you…you don't have a goddamn clue._

Those words had shaken Harry to his core. Sirius had left after that and slept in Alex's room. Harry had sat up late into the night staring at the timeline on his wall. Knowing, and hating, that Sirius was right. He knew nothing of life, even when he was a child and was full of hope and eagerness, some part of him had known that he was only living to die. It had not changed when he was thrust back in time, and back into another war, in to another fight to the death. That was all two-days ago, and the house was tense with Alex and Sirius' silence and Remus' constant care-taking, and Harry did not know what to do about it. So he had moved forward, and he had decided to finish this war, and sort the rest out later. He had decided that it was time he stopped pushing away the things he had to do, simply because he didn't like the thought of doing them.

He glanced at his watch and dropped his cigarette to the ground. It was coming up on ten o'clock. Suddenly, there was the crack of apparition and Harry brought his wand up swiftly as the form took shape, he caught the startled half-crazed eyes of Bellatrix that were illuminated as the bright green light as it shot toward her. She didn't have time to reach for her wand, and her scream never made it out as she fell to the ground. Harry stood for a minute and then tucked his wand into his pocket and stepped closer to her. He looked down at the woman, who was far younger and perhaps slightly more sane than he had ever seen her. He could draw no sympathy, there was a part of himself that wept in guilt and remorse, but outwardly he was cold and unreadable.

"I meant it this time."

Harry said in a whisper before he raised his wand in a wide arc over his head. Blue-white sparks rained down and Harry watched as they traced the outlines of the magic that had recently been performed. The straight line of his curse and the burst of magic that was her apparition were illuminated and then disappeared. It was like wiping away fingerprints, or washing your hands of blood.

Harry turned and walked twenty paces before he apparated without looking back.

______________________________________________________________________________

He couldn't say how long he sat outside on the stairs, but he couldn't bring himself to go in. He could hear the loud and vibrant laughter coming from a window that was left slightly open just off the kitchen. Harry knew that if the window was open, it meant that Lily was baking. Which meant that everyone was there. Hearing the laughter and James' loud 'storytelling' voice left Harry with a sense of loneliness and isolation that he felt was wholly appropriate. This is where he belonged, out here. He did not belong there embraced in their love, he was nothing but a traveler, a straddler of time. He was nothing, and everything to no one and everyone.

He lit another cigarette and looked down the empty street. There were days, there were moments, when he wished that he had been born an unknowing muggle and that this had been someone else's war. Bellatrix's eyes haunted him, as Peter's had done. And he wept inside as he let the grief tear down another wall of safety he had created.

Harry did not look up when Sirius stumbled out the door laughter still on his lips as he attempted to light a cigarette and throwing words over his shoulder, "Bloody Hell! Moony. I'm outside, yea?"

Harry said nothing as he heard Sirius exhale or when the man dropped down on the stairs next to him.

"I assume it's done then?" Sirius said and there was a cold edge to his voice that made Harry want to scream at him, _he didn't know, he couldn't possibly understand._

"Yes." Harry stood on the word, and moved away from Sirius and down into the street. He didn't turn in either direction, he had nowhere else to go.

"I should thank you, I imagine the goblins will send notice in the morning," Sirius drew and there was a striking similarity between his tone and the one he had so often heard from Lucius Malfoy that Harry's defenses were raised.

He turned and looked at Sirius, "Don't judge me for this. Judge me for anything else, but do not judge me for this."

Whether it was the desperate whisper or the plea of the words that did it, Harry didn't know, but Sirius' demeanor changed suddenly and yet gracefully. Concern laced its way into the silver of his eyes and he nodded, "All right, Harry. All right."

Harry fought desperately to remain strong in the face of his crumbling façade, to hold tightly to the strength the knowledge of the future provided to him. And, yet, it was not enough. Despite the lives he knew he had saved by taking this one, the disease of murder was sweeping through him at a rapid pace and Harry felt ill, he felt contaminated. And regardless of Sirius' soft words, he collapsed to his knees in the street, reveling in the pain that shot through his leg as his left knee hit the concrete hard. He struggled to maintain his breathing and to block out the memories that swam into his mind, Bellatrix LeStrange and every person she had ever murdered. But he could not hold it off, he could not escape it and it washed over him and he was gasping for air that his body didn't think he deserved.

Strong arms came around him, and Harry clucked Sirius' shirtsleeves tightly between his fingers.

"So…sorry…" Harry gasped and the arms tightened his grip.

"Breathe, Harry." Sirius said, his voice was commanding and yet gentle. Harry continued to fight for air and Sirius spoke again. "It isn't that you killed her, or even Peter that I hate. It's _this_, it rips you apart inside to do it, and I cannot stand to see you this way.

White spots appeared at the edge of Harry's vision and he recalled the last time this had happened to him.

"Hit me…" Harry's voice was weak and forced out in two rushes of air.

"No." Sirius said and turned Harry to face him, Harry's eyes met the silver-grey of Sirius'. "Breathe."

Harry rested his head on Sirius' chest and felt the gentle motion of the other man's breathing. Slowly he forced his own body to match the rhythm of Sirius'.

______________________________________________________________________________

The next morning the headlines screamed out at Harry as he drank his morning coffee. Every story on the front page was about Bellatrix LeStrange, or Sirius.

BELLATRIX LESTRANGE FOUND MURDERED IN FRONT OF HER HOME

**AUROR SIRIUS BLACK TO INHERIT EVERYTHING, NO LEADS ON LESTRANGE'S KILLER**

**SIRIUS BLACK NOW MOST WEALTHY WIZARD IN BRITAIN**

BLACK NOT CONSIDERED SUSPECT IN LESTRANGE MURDER

Sirius came down to the kitchen and came up behind Harry, kissing his neck and he looked over his shoulder to the paper. He let out a soft whistle.

"Merry Christmas." Sirius said and Harry only nodded. Sirius plucked the paper from Harry's hands. "You making breakfast then?"

Harry smiled and got up from the table. "Lily, James, and Toby are coming over. I'm waiting for them."

Harry poured Sirius a cup of coffee and set it in front of him as Remus came down the stairs looking tired and pale.

"Hey, Rem." Harry said and Remus only grunted in reply. Harry laughed. "That time of the month is it?"

Harry only just ducked to avoid the slipper that sailed in his direction.

"Is Alex awake?" Harry asked as he put a kettle on for Remus' tea.

"He was still in his room when I came down." Remus said quietly. Harry looked over at Sirius who met his eyes and shook his head.

"Sirius please go ask him to come down." Harry said turning back to the kitchen.

"You need to talk to him, work this out." Sirius said and continued to read the paper. Harry sighed and raised his eyes to the ceiling.

"But--." Harry started but Remus interrupted him.

"Oh just go face the music you big ponce." Remus bit out and Sirius started to laugh but stopped abruptly with one look from Harry.

"Fine." Harry threw the towel he was holding onto the counter, "Then you can make your own tea."

______________________________________________________________________________

Harry knocked on the door, and when there was no response pushed it open.

Alex was sitting on the bed, a book in his hands, but Harry could tell he wasn't reading it.

"Alex…" Harry started but the boy didn't respond, he flipped a page angrily. "Alex…talk to me."

Alex shook his head, and Harry sat down on the bed taking the book from his hands and set it aside.

"Alex, I'm sorry." Harry said.

Alex looked up at Harry and finally began moving his hands. **You're just going to die, then. You're just going to leave. And then they won't know what to do with me.**

Harry sighed. "Alex, I shouldn't have said what I did. I didn't mean it. I just want this all to be over, I want us all to be safe."

**I want you to be safe, and Sirius, Rem, and Lily and James. **Harry could see Alex's heart breaking in his eyes.

"I know you do, lil bro." Harry said. "But, if we don't fight, lots of people will get hurt." Harry said resting his hand on Alex's small shoulder. "Like Adam Terry, he's muggleborn, we're fighting to protect him and his family."

Alex let out an exasperated sigh. **Why do you get to always know what to say and be right?**

Harry laughed, "I'm not always right, just ask Remus."

______________________________________________________________________________

Thirteen Death Eaters currently imprisoned in Azkaban were now markless. Harry had been practicing the unbinding spell and now felt as though he had a good handle on it. Toby and Remus were working with him on building up all of his magic and then being able to direct it all in a great force. In their practice they were having Harry blow things up in the Room of Requirement, and what Harry found was that regardless of how many times he practiced he always felt completely drained afterwards and could not even manage a simple _lumos_ spell.

"Why am I not building up a tolerance for this?" Harry asked weakly as Sirius settled him in a chair after he and Remus had retuned from one of their sessions.

Remus sat down across from him and gave him a small smile, "Because you're never going to develop more magic. The strength of your magic is set at age eleven, which is why that is the age children begin their schooling. From that point on it's all about focus."

Sirius set plates in front of Remus and Harry, both who looked at the food with close scrutiny and Sirius huffed.

"Oh come off it. Lily cooked tonight before they took Alex out to the muggle cinema." He said flippantly and returned to the kitchen to retrieve their drinks.

Remus laughed out right, but Harry didn't have the energy.

"We aren't trying to make you more powerful, we're trying to take your magic and help you control it better, focus it like sharpening a blade."

______________________________________________________________________________

Harry had taken a shower and returned to his and Sirius' room, he found the other man sitting up in bed waiting for him. Harry took towel from around his waist and turned to get dressed but Sirius' words stopped him.

"You're bloody gorgeous you know." Harry turned and smiled at him, his body already responding to Sirius' voice, which was deep and warm.

"You're not half-bad yourself." Harry sauntered to the bed and climbed up on top of Sirius.

Harry pressed his lips down against the other man's and the other man groaned before flipping Harry over on to the bed, pressing their bodies together.

Sirius put his hands on either side of Harry's head smoothing down the still-wet hair. "I don't know how to go about breaking down all these walls you've got up between us, and I'm not sure you even want me to."

Harry rolled his lips into his mouth and closed his eyes. "It isn't a matter of want, this is just how I am, how I've come to be because of the things I've been through. Give me time."

Sirius looked at Harry for a long time before dipping his head and kissing him deeply, Harry loved the way Sirius tasted, like cigarettes and firewhiskey, chocolate and cinnamon. He loved the warmth of Sirius' body, and the safety of his embrace.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Harry was helping Alex with the last of his packing, when he heard a loud crash from down stairs. Alex looked up startled and signed a gesture to Harry, who gave him a stern look in reply.

"Just because you aren't saying it out loud, doesn't make it any less of a bad word." Harry said and shook his head at the young boy's silent laughter. "Finish this up, everyone's coming over for breakfast tomorrow and I don't want to be rushing around in the morning like a mad person."

Harry caught Alex's eye-roll as he made his way out the door and sighed in exasperation. He made his way down the stairs and glanced into the living room seeing Lily muttering a _reparo_ spell on a vase she had knocked over.

"Lil.." Harry spoke and Lily jumped as she turned to him. Her face was red and blotchy tears streaming uncontrolled down her face.

"Harry…I'm sorry…I didn't…I…I didn't know where else to go." Her voice was heavy with sadness and her breathing came out in short gasps. Harry walked over to her and pulled in her to a tight hug.

"Lily, what's the matter?" Harry said concern in his voice knowing Sirius was working the night shift, but James should be home. A deep fear came into him as Lily's sobbing escalated.

"It's…James and I have had a fight….and I just…" Lily took a deep and seemingly painful breath.

"All right, all right. Come into the kitchen I'll make you some tea." He said taking her hand and leading her to the kitchen.

After Harry had made the tea he handed it to Lily and sat down next to her at the table. She took a couple sips, and while the occasional tear still slipped out she seemed to have calmed a bit.

"What happened, Lil?" Harry asked holding her hand in his. "You and James hardly ever fight anymore."

"I know…I didn't expect…" Lily said and then drifted off into another silence as she drank some more tea.

"Lily…" Harry said softly after awhile. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Lily took a deep breath and looked at Harry. Harry's mind was reeling with the things that could have possibly have went wrong, his mind went to the worst possible scenarios but he did not expect the words that she said next.

"I'm pregnant." Her voice was low and quiet, and there was a shame there that Harry didn't understand.

The words sunk in and Harry's whole world came to a screeching halt. In his mind all he could think was, _it's too soon._ For a moment he didn't respond and Lily burst into to tears again. Harry pulled her to him immediately.

"I'm sorry, Lil. I just, I wasn't expecting that. But that's good news, right?" Harry said, "Why has it got you so upset?"

"James…he…I told him, and I expected…him to be happy, but he just…" Lily took another deep breath. "He yelled at me, and said that we could not have a baby now…what with the war, and how could we bring a child into this. And he said he thought we were being careful, and that I was supposed to be taking the potion. And I told him I had been, but that even that isn't 100%. He insisted that it was my _fault_."

Lily's tears were wetting the front of Harry's shirt, and Harry felt the worst kind of anger well up inside of him.

"He told me that I should go and get it taken care of." Lily said her voice barely a whisper, "This is our baby, Harry. He doesn't want our baby."

Harry held her and comforted her for a long time before he took her to the spare room and made up a bed for her. He set her to sleep before checking that Alex had finished packing and setting him to sleep as well. He pulled on his cloak and stepped into the floo.

"Potter Home."

Harry stepped out of the floo, and was unsurprised to find Sirius and Remus sitting with James in the kitchen of the cottage. He stood in the doorway and they three looked up at him.

"I hope you are quite pleased with yourself." Harry said and his voice was cold, Sirius looked at him with a warning that Harry chose to ignore.

James' head snapped up and there was malice in his voice when he spoke, "You don't know what the hell you're talking about."

"Don't I?" Harry asked matching James' tone. "I just set Lily up in the spare bedroom, she was still crying when I left and clutching a damned t-shirt of yours she found in one of the drawers."

Silence fell on the room and Harry was glad to see a look of desperate guilt cross James' features.

"How could you tell her to 'get it taken care of'?" Harry spit out and he noticed Sirius and Remus were taken aback by the words. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Sirius and Remus remained silent and the color seemed to have drained from their faces as they looked at James with what bordered on disgust.

"You don't understand!" James yelled. "We can't have this baby! This war…it's too dangerous! I'm hardly here as it is. She wouldn't be able to protect herself!"

Remus surprised them all by slamming a heavy fist on the table. "You bloody insensitive ASS!"

James flinched at the words as well as the tone.

"She is your _wife_, that is your _child_. How dare…" Remus shook his head and stood. "This is by far the most despicable thing you have ever done."

Remus moved to where Harry stood, "I'm going to pack some things for Lily, I'll see you at the house later."

Sirius was stunned and Harry could see the conflict of outrage and loyalty that was rising in his features.

"You need to go to her, James. You need to apologize." Sirius' voice was calm and even. "You need to make this right."

James shook his head. "No, we can't have this baby. It isn't right. We can't…"

Harry cut him off, "I am offering Lily her old room back, if she accepts, I suggest you think long and hard about the decision you are making right now, and when you come to your senses you figure out how you are going to fix things, but until then, stay the hell away from her and my home."

Harry turned to leave and gave one last glance to Sirius, "You coming?"

Sirius sent James one last hopeless and unsure look, before he stood and followed Harry out.

______________________________________________________________________________

That night, there were four people in the spare bedroom while the two others remained completely empty. They were all in their pajamas and cuddled closely together under the blankets. Remus lay on Lily's right, one arm flung over her waist, Lily lay facing Harry who was on her right, and one of her hands was linked with Sirius' across Harry's waist. None of them were sleeping, save for Lily who had finally cried herself to sleep.

Harry met Remus's eyes over Lily's tiny form.

"I hope James comes to his senses soon." Remus said quietly.

"He will." Sirius said with only the tiniest waver of unsurity.

"If he doesn't, she has us, and we will do whatever we can for her." Harry said and Remus nodded, Harry felt Sirius do the same.

"This war is destroying everything." Sirius spoke again after awhile.

Harry sighed, "The culture of war is fear, the nature of love is trust, those two things do not easily intertwine."

___________________________________________________________________________

James did not come to his senses soon, and Lily had all-but moved into Mercer House. She and Harry had gone while James was sure to be at work and taken the rest of the things she'd thought she'd need. Remus was back at work at the Institute, Alex had returned to school, and Sirius returned to working day shifts, so Lily and Harry spent a great deal of time alone at the house. Harry shared with her the upcoming plans for the attack on Voldemort's hideout and she turned out to be a fantastic strategist. It was late one afternoon, over cookies and milk that Lily came up with an idea that would change the way the war was fought forever.

They sat at the kitchen table, with maps and photographs laid out in front of them.

"I hate to send anyone in there, even with the maps we have no idea what to expect." Harry said rubbing his eyes.

Lily looked thoughtful for a minute and then there was a spark in her eyes that had been missing since she had left James. "Oh my god. I've got it."

Harry looked at her, "What?"

"Muggles!" Lily nearly shouted. "It's so perfect, if we can get it to work…we'd have to ask Remus and Toby, and find someone who had knowledge about this kind of thing…I wonder.."

"Lily…I'm about fifty steps behind you here, what are you talking about?" Harry said lightly.

"Bombs." She said and Harry's eyes widened. "Magical bombs."

Harry sat back in the chair and stared at her, "That's a whole lot of killing."

Lily shook her head, "No, think about it, if we can somehow contain something like a stunning spell in a bomb device so that when we set it off they're all just stunned. Then all we have to do is go in and collect them."

Harry tapped his chin for a moment before shaking his head, "You're brilliant."

Lily beamed and Harry's heart melted. "Alright shall we call and get the nerds excited?" she asked.

"Lets do."

______________________________________________________________________________

_01-10-79_

_Brother,_

_School is strange now, everything seems to be kind of sad. I don't know how to explain it. Adam Terry took sign classes over the holiday though, how wicked is that! He said he signed up at Mungo's just after I wrote to tell him what happened. He doesn't hardly talk out loud anymore and it's driving the teachers absolutely mad! _

_We have a new Divination teacher, I guess Dumbles hired her over the holidays. She's a strange woman, today in class she nearly fainted when she saw 'the grim' in Adam Terry's cup of tea leaves. I looked at it but I thought it was a mushroom. I think Uncle Moony is right and divination is total rubbish. But it's easy enough. I decided next class period I'm going to say that I see illness in my future and skive off class and go visit the house elves._

_How is Aunt Lily? Is she still staying at Mercer? Tell her if she has time, to write to me. I miss you all so much, and Hogwarts is lonely without my favorite teacher._

_Tell Sirius that I have a question for him about a spell that makes people sing love songs to their worst enemies. I can't quite figure it out._

_Love you_

_Alex (the greatest)_

_PS: I am maybe dating a girl. _

_PPS: Don't be too mad if you get a note from McGonagall…I swear she has it all wrong anyways._

______________________________________________________________________________

Harry set the letter aside and made his way outside. He settled himself on the steps and lit a cigarette. Trelawney was at Hogwarts, which meant that Dumbledore had already heard the prophecy. Lily was pregnant, and so was Narcissa. He shook his head, wondering how it seemed that he had pressed fast-forward on these events. There had to have been a trigger, a single event that caused the rest of these, but Harry could not pinpoint it and it frustrated him to no end.

But they were going to have to move, and soon. Severus had informed him that there was to be an initiation ceremony for the Death Eaters in a week. Lily, Remus, and Toby had recruited Arthur Weasley to work with them on building a magic bomb. Harry was getting regular updates, and so far they had made very little headway. Apparently they kept exploding things, instead of simply releasing the stunning spell.

Harry had gotten near to the point of simply blasting the damn evil bastards away. But he knew, his conscience would never survive it, and neither probably would their cause. There were lines to be drawn, and this was where Harry drew his.

Two days ago he had gone with Sirius to Gringotts and they were able to locate the cup. Harry had taken it to Dumbledore and watched as it was destroyed. The last of the horcruxes, now it was only an army of Death Eaters, and significant amounts of dark magic that stood between Voldemort and death.

Harry took another drag off of his cigarette and nearly dropped it in surprise when he saw James crossing the street toward him. Harry remained seated as James approached.

"Hi…" James said tentatively, he looked like hell. Dark circles hung heavily below his eyes, his hair was disheveled in a tired way, and he looked pale and drawn.

"James." Harry said with a slight nod in the man's direction.

"Is she…" James said looking up at the house.

"She's at the Institute with Remus and Toby." Harry said and James nodded.

"How is she?" James asked not meeting Harry's eyes.

"Still pregnant, if that's what you're after." Harry's voice came out far colder than he had intended, and James flinched as if struck.

"No, I…is she okay?" He asked quietly.

"As well as can be expected." Harry said tossing the cigarette out into the street. "What did you come here for?"

"I just wanted to make sure she's okay." James said his eyes still on the ground, Harry sighed.

"If you want to come in and wait…she'll be home in an hour or so." Harry offered as pleasantly as he could manage, but James shook his head jerkily.

"No…no…I…I can't." He stuttered out and then turned and walked down the street.

"James!" Harry called after him but the man didn't turn.

______________________________________________________________________________

The team stood hidden in the trees watching as Death Eaters apparated and then disappeared into the wards at Voldemort's headquarters. James was leading a team of fliers armed with the bombs Lily, Remus and Toby had developed with the help of Arthur. They had completely forgone any direct comparison to muggle bombs, and instead captured and encased the power of magnified stunning spells inside a circular shield that was timed. The shields were also armored by adjusted blasting spells that would allow them to fall through the castle's walls with an absurd ease. Snape and his team were spread widely around the perimeter, ready to move in on Harry's signal. Beside him stood Toby and Remus ready to trigger the spells. Sirius stood in front of Harry as he spoke.

"All right, the initiation is supposed to begin at seven-thirty." Harry said in a whisper. Your team has twenty minutes to take down the wards. You have got to be careful not to trigger them, once you're finished send up your signal and James will move in."

Sirius nodded and signaling his team with a silent gesture. Harry watched as twenty black-clad forms sprinted in the direction of the castle. They fanned out at the edge of the wards and Harry could see the quick movements of their wands, even from the distance. He turned to James.

"Get in the air as quickly as possible following Sirius' signal, you have no more than five minutes to make the drop. Make sure the fliers drop and get the hell away from there. We don't know what the force from the spells will look like." James nodded and Harry turned to Remus. "As soon as you get the all clear from James, trigger the spells, and then I'll signal Severus to go in and collect."

Remus nodded and they lapsed into silence watching Sirius' team work. After a tense fifteen minutes bright red sparks flew out from Sirius' wand and Harry could see them sprinting back towards the forest as a large, and ominous castle flickered into being in place of the façade provided by the wards. James shouted to his team and they kicked off, holding the magical spheres under their arms. Harry watched as the fliers became tiny specks in the sky and then began to swoop down making drops, he felt some of his tension ebb as Sirius returned to his side. Remus and Toby raised their wands the instant the blue sparks shot up just twenty meters to the left of the castle. They shouted loudly a string of words and suddenly there came a rushing and all encompassing white light that shot out and seemed to drown them all. Everything became eerily silent, as if nature itself had recognized this burst of magic and shrunk back from the force of it. The ground shuddered silently beneath them and Harry felt Sirius' hand reach out and steady him as he stumbled, he raised his arm to shield his eyes from the brightness that seemed to last forever, as quickly as the light came it disappeared seemingly sucked back down into the castle. Harry raised his wand and a shower of orange sparks fell down around him.

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All I want for Christmas is a few reviews, a few reviews…


	30. Don't Forget

It was still cold more often than not at Hogwarts, but it was as if the weather couldn't make up its mind; toward mid-day the snow would begin to melt slightly before it froze again in an icy overlay across the grass and pathways in the shadows of late afternoon. Harry stood staring at the black lake, large chunks of ice still floating along the surface. Harry didn't feel the cold, he stuffed his hands in his pockets and stared. He closed his eyes and let out a puff of breath that formed a small cloud in the air.

He tried to make sense of the chaos of the evening before, but even now his mind could not slow it down enough to organize it. After he had sent up sparks of warning to Severus' team four things had happened simultaneously. Severus' team had moved in, a loud maniacal laughter had broken across the field, a plume of smoke had erupted from the castle as it had crumbled in upon itself, and fifty aurors had appeared in the field. Harry had heard Sirius and James' disapparation first, followed closely by the rest of those standing near to him. He watched as Severus' team startled by the sudden demolition of the castle stopped and without hesitation disapparated as well. Harry had stepped back deeper into the cover of the forest and watched as the aurors led by Alastor Moody combed the area and begun to dig through the wreckage of the castle. He knew Moody well enough to be able to tell that the man was not looking to discover the culprits here, he was cleaning up, he had _known_. Harry had watched as they rounded up the unconscious and battered Death Eaters and then he had turned into the forest and after fifty feet he apparated and found himself just outside of the gates of Hogwarts.

Now as he stood, contemplating, he could hear students making their way down to the greenhouse for their first class of the day, and he was unsurprised that no one had approached him. Harry had spent great effort and years perfecting this ability, warning people off without scaring them, making himself unappealing and unapproachable by the stiff way he held his body, and the dark crease on his brow. He had been out here for hours, watching the sunrise over the quiet peacefulness of the castle. He hadn't gone to see Dumbledore, although the man had opened the gates for him. He did not come here to talk with the man, discussing options, and evasions that were sure to be necessary. Hogwarts had always been his home, the only place he felt a measure of tranquility that not even he and Remus' home on Mercer could give him. This place, filled with so many endings and beginnings for him, and he looked to his left and imagined the gravesite that didn't exist yet, and perhaps would never exist, and he thought of the choice he made and the half-opportunity, half-request that was offered by the centaur. And not for the first time, he thought about whether he'd made the right choice.

He didn't turn at the sound of footsteps behind him as they crunched over snow and frozen grass. He recognized the heavy loping of James and Sirius' casual strut. He wondered at what point he had learned to identify them by the sound, but knew that it was Moody's ever-constant lessons in vigilance that had given him the subconscious ability to do so.

"Harry." It was James, not Sirius, who spoke, and his tone was cautious and apologetic. Still, Harry didn't turn. "Harry, I'm sorry…"

He shook his head in a curt way that cut off any words that may have followed. He turned to face them. They were dressed in their auror's robes and Harry could tell from the blatant shame on James' face and the shadowed anger on Sirius' that this was not a social call. Harry shook his head, and smiled at them.

"It is not always the same thing to be a good man, and a good citizen." Harry's voice was louder than necessary for a conversation between the three, and harsher and more cynical than words between friends. He took in the note of surprise and concern that began rising on their features. He held his hands up. "Don't worry boys, I'll come quietly."

James nodded solemnly but Sirius' face clouded over with something akin to a desperate disappointment. Harry watched him closely, _had Sirius thought he would run? Or had he only wished that he would?_

James stepped forward and placed his hand on Harry's arm and there was an attempt at comfort in the gesture Sirius still stood off from them and Harry could see the muscles in his jaw, tense and relax as Sirius tried to school his features. Finally, Sirius reached into his robe and pulled a gold ring about three inches wide, a Ministry standard portkey, from the inside pocket. He thrust it out in front of them and James hooked a finger around it and grasped Harry's arm tighter. And they spun.

______________________________________________________________________________

They arrived at the Ministry in the prisoner checkpoint. There was a large desk in front of them, where a dark haired and very pretty witch sat charming her fingernails different colors. She dropped her wand when she noticed that Sirius and James had arrived, and Harry rolled his eyes as he watched the all to familiar expression of adoration come across her face.

"Hello, Aurors. How _are_ you today? Look at you bringing in all the bad guys and street scum." She said with a sweetness that was nauseating.

"Thanks, Lindsey. Will you call Moody and let him know we've returned." James said, as Sirius continued to glower beside him.

"Sure, sure." She said happily. "Let me know if there is _anything_ I can do for you boys."

James ignored Lindsey's come on and instead led Harry by the arm to the door at the right. A heavy plaque on the door read "Holding", Harry had to suppress the urge to laugh.

Once they were through the doors they passed two guards, not aurors, regular magical police, with bright red MP stamps on the arms of their uniforms. Sirius nodded to them and they nodded back before returning to their mumbled conversation. They continued down the long corridor, the floor was white linoleum like that in St. Mungos, to the left and right of the corridor there were cells, probably 50 or 60 of them ran the length of the corridor. Harry glanced in to find no Death Eaters, but only the occasional simple street thief or drunk, who were dirty and the smell of them wafted through the bars.

Sirius stopped in front of him and opened the cell farthest away from the collection of riff-raff criminals. He pushed the metal door forward and the bars shimmered with magic of the wards that reinforced them. Harry stepped forward into the small space and glanced around, there was a metal cot that held a thin blanket, a toilet area, and a sink that was bolted to the wall. He turned back to his friends with a raised eyebrow.

"Thanks for the hospitality." Harry said with a light sarcasm that held perhaps too much truth to it.

James said nothing he simply glanced down the corridor at the MP guards.

Sirius moved forward quickly and he was standing so close his breath was on Harry's cheek.

"Why the hell didn't you _run_?" His voice was deadly cold and angrier than Harry had ever heard.

"What and make you guys look incompetent?" Harry joked but it was off and Sirius knew it.

"What are you playing at?" Sirius spoke again, and he was so close Harry could have simply titled his head a bit and their lips would be touching.

"Not sure. But lets hope I'm good at it." Harry said as he took a step backwards into the cell, Sirius followed.

"Harry, they moved forty three death eaters to Azkaban this morning, they kept it from the press. The Ministry has named you a terrorist." Sirius said. "Nobody is coming forward from the Order, not even Severus."

"I know they aren't and they won't." Harry said directly. "I told them not to."

"Damn it, Harry. What the hell are you doing?" Sirius growled out.

Harry said nothing for a moment and then he tipped his head up and brushed his lips against Sirius' before lightly pushing him away. Harry sat down on the cot, his back against the cool stone of the wall, his feet stretching out in front of him casually.

"Get back to work, Sirius." Harry said.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Aside from the echoing of the snores, and the occasional shout of belligerent anger, things were quiet in the _holding _room. Harry had known this was coming the minute he had seen Alastor show up with his near-army of aurors. Someone had been spying, and at this point Harry didn't know if it was someone working for Voldemort or for the Ministry, or for the Order. But Harry had taken his precautions for this, only Severus, Remus, and Toby knew the full-scope of what they had done and how, James and Sirius had been kept away from certain parts because of their work, and the rest knew only their function. They were told to say nothing if any of the team leaders were taken in, or if the Order, or the Ministry questioned them. If they failed, it was only Harry who would fall. The only person Harry could trust to keep his secrets was himself.

Harry could hear Moody's uneven steps cracking off the linoleum as he made his way down the corridor, there was a clipped tone to his walk, hindered as he was by his mangled leg. A few weeks ago, it had shown up in the papers that the aurors had raided a home and come across some sort of dark object that had bitten a chunk of muscle from the back of the old auror's leg when he stepped between a trainee and the item. It was a cursed wound, and it was slowly deteriorating the muscles in his calf. James had said that Alastor had scared the healers to tears when they suggested amputating the leg. Harry knew it wouldn't be much longer.

Alastor stopped in front of Harry's cell and rested one hand against the bar peering at Harry suspiciously.

"Albus has been making calls all morning, but it doesn't seem as though he's got enough strings to pull to get you out of a full trial." He spoke in his deep gravelly tone.

Harry nodded, and he imagined it looked somewhat arrogant to the older man.

"It was a foolish move, to keep _everyone_ in the dark." Alastor spoke again, and Harry raised his eyebrows.

"Your aurors moved on the tip of an informant. I'm beginning to wonder though, if he is my traitor or yours." Harry mused aloud.

"A terrorist making accusations of treachery? That's rich." Alastor's tone was hard but there was a waver of emotion in his eyes.

"Is it terrorism to attack a castle full of mass-murderers now, with nothing more than stunning spells?" Harry asked and the words were sharp. " I heard you made off with my bounty."

" The Wizenmengot convenes in an hour." Alastor ground out through his clenched teeth.

Harry nodded and continued to stare at the man.

"I hope you're smarter than all this makes you look." Alastor tossed over his shoulder as he turned and made his way loudly down the corridor.

Harry spent the next hour teasing and testing the wards on the bars just to give himself something to do, he laughed mirthlessly to himself when he discovered that the criminals of London were less guarded than he, Alex and Remus were. And with all the practice he had been doing to focus his magic, they were nothing more difficult than a crossword puzzle. One of the MP guards came down the corridor his boots lazily clomping. He came to the cell door and moved to open it. Harry stood.

"Here let me," Harry said and with a flick of his right wrist and an outward gesture of his left hand the cell door swung open. The MP guard stiffened and his eyes were wide with shock as Harry stepped around him with a smile. "Shall we?"

______________________________________________________________________________

He was led through the winding halls of the Ministry, and he mentally noted that the MP guard was keeping them strictly to the internal hallways, they were avoiding the public it seemed. The guard's footsteps were sharp on the hard stone of the floor, and despite the large man's calm outward demeanor the sound gave away the nervousness the man was feeling. Harry fought the urge to laugh, he heard Remus' voice in his head telling him he shouldn't be so impetuous. He was surprised when the guard stopped at a door and suddenly pulled it open. This was not a courtroom, he realized and was instantly on the defensive. The room was vast, white and noticeably empty. The guard stopped just inside the door and turned to Harry.

"You wait here." The man's voice was dark and cold, underlined with a nervous wariness, he turned and left almost before the words were out of his mouth.

Harry felt uneasy and he backed up is back to a corner, and eyed the room. It felt familiar somehow and not in a good way. He searched for the memory and it struck him not a moment too soon, he had his shield raised only seconds before four red lights flew in his direction. His shield stuttered from the impact. Two dummies appeared from the floor and advanced on him, suddenly his corner was no longer an advantage.

He slid along the wall and fell into a low crouch he pushed his hands out in front of him sending a powerful _reducto_ at them, the exploded into tiny shards and three more rose up to take their place. Harry raised his shield again and moved swiftly toward them, blocking their jets of light as he went. He held his staggering shield until there was a break in the attack and sending a binding spell that encased all three in his favorite tight vines. Time seemed to speed up and slow down at the same time as Harry was met with attack after attack. Harry was sweating and his breathing was coming in rapid puffs of air. He was bent over hands on his knees, chest rising and falling quickly as he watched the latest of the dummy attackers recede back into the floor, when the door opened behind him.

The man that entered was strangely familiar but Harry couldn't place him. He wore dark black robes that did not carry the Ministry insignia. His face was hard and angular, his eyes were black and had a buffed look to them, as if the light simply vanished within them. His eyes were startling, they weren't empty but guarded, and Harry had to look away. He had seen that look before, he had seen that same buffed, guarded sheen to his own green eyes when he looked in the mirror.

"Mr. Pierson, please, have a seat." Harry looked up at the sound of the crisp tone of voice devoid of emotion to see that a table and chair had appeared at the center of the room and the man was already sitting in one of them.

Harry pulled himself up to his full height and made his way cautiously to the table, glancing around the room and sizing up the man in front of him. He sat down and the man offered a small tight smile.

"I'm impressed, most fully-trained aurors can't take ten minutes in here without ending up in the infirmary." The man looked at Harry appraisingly. "And here you are, little over 18, no formal combat training, and _you_ survive a full hour and haven't a scratch on you."

Harry didn't speak, his mind ran the gamut of inane and pointless thoughts.

"Mr. Pierson, I'm Josiah Timbre." He offered his hand and Harry took it briefly. "I work for the Department of Mysteries."

Harry's head snapped up and he couldn't hide the surprise on his face.

"Yes, _yes._" The man said with a touch of dark humor. "I have a proposition for you."

Harry tried not to laugh at the absurdity. He shook his head as his mind put together the pieces.

"We think you would be very valuable to us, and that we could be very valuable to you."

Harry snorted. "I'm supposed to be on trial for terrorism."

Josiah straightened, "Yes. I do believe the Minister is being a bit dramatic with his pretense. But it is important for you to know that what the Ministry _says_ and what the Ministry _means_ are not often the same thing."

Harry raised an eyebrow. He thought over his experience with the Ministry of Magic and sighed.

"We had to stage this scenario very carefully, Harry. Should you choose to join us, we had to have a viable reason for your absence." Josiah tapped his fingers on the table in a way that reminded Harry of himself.

"What exactly do you want?" Harry asked blandly.

"We want you to kill Voldemort." The man said and Harry laughed.

"You know…" Harry said deep laughter still ringing through the small room, "I have been trying to do just that for a while now, and it seems you guys just keep getting in the way."

"I assure you," Josiah said the sides of his mouth curled slightly, "That _we_ have not been getting in your way. We are not affiliated with the MLE."

Harry sobered. "Enough with the verbal tango. What are you asking for?"

"I want you to join me, and my department. I want you to train us in what you know and then I want you to lead a team and take down Voldemort." The words spilled from his mouth and the fell into the tense space between the two men.

"And if I agree?" Harry asked.

"You will 'officially' be sent to Azkaban. You will remain at our headquarters, and you will not be allowed civilian contact until it is finished. Most Unspeakables, give up their civilian lives entirely when they join. But these are different circumstances, and once the situation is resolved you will be free to return to your life."

Harry stood and paced the room for a short minute. "What about my family, they will think I've been sent to Azkaban?"

Josiah only nodded.

"And Alex?" Harry asked.

"The same. They _cannot _know." Josiah spoke in a soft tone that seemed inappropriate to his harsh features and dark eyes.

"I want him to know." Harry said his voice strong, and clear.

Josiah shook his head, "no."

"Then my answer is 'no'." Harry said and Josiah's eyes narrowed.

"We do not negotiate these things." Josiah said curtly.

"And has it been habit for you to _recruit_ from civilians?" Harry said.

"No, it hasn't." Josiah allowed.

"I am requesting two things, and unless you give me these two things, the answer is no." Harry sat back in the chair and folded his hands in front of him on the table. "First, I want to tell Alex, that I am not in Azkaban. I will not have him suffering under some delusion that I'm a terrorist."

"You cannot tell this child where you will be." Josiah said, his tone hard again.

"I won't tell him, all of this. But I will tell him I'm going away and I will speak with him." Harry returned, "That is, if you want my assistance.

"Very well." Josiah said with a hint of exasperation. "And the second?"

"I want you to let me escape." Harry smirked when the man's eyes widened at the suggestion. "Don't worry, I'll return. And you can use it as an excuse to tighten security in your holding cells. I could have escaped easily, had I wanted to."

"I think you underestimate the Ministry." Josiah responded.

"I don't think I do." Harry said. "Those are my requests. They are not negotiable. I'll do the work myself, and I'll even let your little soldiers round me up when I've finished."

Josiah stood then, the sound of his chair scraping against the floor was loud in the quiet room. He looked at Harry and offered his hand.

Harry shook his hand and raised an eyebrow.

"Very well Mr. Pierson." Josiah moved toward the door. "The ministry will announce your sentence tomorrow. The escape is up to you, should you succeed I'll give you four hours head start before my men come looking."

______________________________________________________________________________

The next morning Harry sat in his cell, it was a different one from yesterday. The guards seemed to think there was something wrong with the ward on the last one. Harry didn't argue. He had just been sentenced to life in Azkaban. The trial was dull, they convened asked him about the attack and Harry had lied. They had found him guilty and he had been returned to his cell to await his trip to Azkaban.

Harry pushed his hands out in front of him and pulled the wards apart. After working so much with Toby and Remus, focusing his magic and removing the mark, he found that wandless magic was as natural as breathing to him. Harry had once commented that more wizards should take the time to focus their magic, and Toby had explained that the motivation had to be extraordinarily strong for this skill to come so quickly. Harry was fighting for his life, for the lives of everyone he loved. Magic was emotional and the stronger the emotion, the more powerful the magic. This is why Dumbledore was so powerful, and also why Voldemort was. Love is an incredibly strong emotion, but so is hate and bloodlust.

The cell door swung open and Harry stepped casually across the threshold. He made his way down the hallway, ignoring the surprised questions that burst from the other cells. The two guards at the end of the corridor were already on their feet. But Harry was quicker and they were both unconscious before they had raised their wands. Harry did not break his stride. He waltzed out the door and into the lobby where, the flakey receptionist looked up at him startled.

"Drop the anti-apparition wards." The girl looked him eyes wide and shook her head. Harry raised his hand and the potted plant beside her exploded. "_Now._"

The girl took out her wand and pointed it in Harry's direction, Harry raised his hand again and she quickly averted it. She mumbled a few words and Harry felt the weight of the air around them change. He closed his eyes and turned just as the women began screaming.

______________________________________________________________________________

Harry entered Hogwarts by way of the passage from Honeydukes. He made his way to the great hall and disillusioned himself before stepping in. He moved slowly knowing that the disillusionment was not equal to invisibility. Finally he reached Alex's side and laid a gentle hand on the boy's shoulder. Alex turned around looking over his shoulder.

"Alex. It's Harry. It's important that you turn back to your friends tell them you have to leave for a moment and then get up and meet me in the room of requirement. Nod once if you can do this." Harry spoke barely above as whisper his lips not even an inch from Alex's ear. Alex nodded slowly and Harry backed up and began to slowly make his way from the great hall. He caught sight of Dumbledore as he made his exit and was unsurprised to find the headmaster staring at him.

Fifteen minutes later, the door to the room of requirement opened and Alex raced through stumbling over his own feet as he did so. He came to a clumsy stop and his hands began moving frantically.

**Harry! What are you doing here? I've been so worried. Remus came and told me you were arrested. Then he came back and said you were being sent to Azkaban. ** The mixture of pain and relief of Alex's face pulled at Harry's heart.

"Alex. I don't have much time. I'm going a way for a bit. Not to Azkaban. But I'm going a way. Remus will take care of you." Harry said in a rush as he watched Alex's face crumble further with each word.

**But…but you're not supposed to leave me. YOU PROMISED! **

"Alex…I don't' have a choice." Harry knelt in front of the boy and put his hands on his shoulders. "I _will_ come back. But I have to go now."

Harry could feel Alex's shoulder's shaking and he pulled him against his chest tightly.

"I'm so sorry Alex. I know things have been hard for you. But I mean it, little brother, I will be back. And when I get back, I will not leave again." Harry said and felt a small nod of defeat from Alex. "All right. I have to go. Be good, and if I can I will write to you. I need you to promise me that you will tell no one what I said to you, it's important everyone believe I'm going to Azkaban. Even Sirius and Remus. Can you promise me?"

Alex nodded as he wiped away tears. Harry pulled the boy tighter and then stood. He made his way to the door glancing over his shoulder at the boy. He was sitting in the plush chair that had materialized in the room, not looking at Harry, not looking at anything. Harry made his way out of the room and down the corridor with a heavy weight on his heart and a striking pang of harsh reality in his mind. He had come here for this, he had not come to gather family and friends, he had come here to end this war. And end it he would. He was lost in his realizations and his pain as he made his way towards to main foyer of the school, so minutely aware of his surroundings that he didn't notice when Albus Dumbledore fell into step beside him.

"Are you sure this is wise, Harry." Dumbledore's voice was caring and deliberate in the way that only he could achieve. "There are things that should not be sacrificed, regardless of whatever we may deem our purpose to be."

Harry didn't respond for a moment, he felt a strange outrage at the man's sincere words. But he pushed it down and his voice came out calm and placating. "I would agree with you, but in my circumstances sacrifices are not dictated only by my personal desire, or some misplaced ideal. The circumstances are what they are. Good night, Headmaster, please…send word to Remus…ask him to come see Alex."

Harry didn't allow the headmaster respond and didn't stop to consider his expression. He simply turned at the end of the hall and crossed the foyer.

______________________________________________________________________________

Harry took the stairs to Sirius' apartment like he always did. As he took his final step, he looked up to find Sirius, disheveled and exhausted, leaning against the door with his arms folded across his chest. His face was unreadable, it was the mask his childhood had taught him how to wear and Harry's guilt multiplied knowing that he was the cause of it. He stepped up to the landing and mirrored Sirius' pose as he leaned against the opposite wall.

"I am an Auror, Harry." Sirius' voice held none of the beautiful melody Harry was used to, "It was a poor choice to com here. The alert has been sent out to the MLE already. It came down from the Unspeakables."

Harry closed his eyes and pushed away the ache caused by Sirius' cold and distant words, he reminded himself that for Sirius, this was pain management, this was survival. When he opened them he found that Sirius had pushed himself away from the door and stood awkwardly halfway into the hall. Harry took a step forward and brushed the back of his hand against Sirius' cheek.

"I had to see you." His voice was rough with emotion and Sirius leaned into Harry's hand briefly before he pulled away.

"You've seen me." Sirius said as he turned his back. "Go."

Harry was startled by the words and it stung him. "Sirius…"

"Go Harry." Sirius voice was stressed and Harry took a tentative step toward him, he reached out and placed his hand on Sirius' shoulder.

"Aren't you going to arrest me?" Harry's voice was low, barely a whisper and he felt Sirius' shoulder shudder a little.

"Harry…_please_…" Sirius spun suddenly, his strong hands on Harry's upper arms and there was an angry pain clouding his eyes. "Please go. Run as far away…go somewhere. Don't let them find you here, you shouldn't have…"

Harry brought his hands to either side of Sirius' face and met his eyes. "I _had _to see you."

"You don't know the depths of Azkaban, Harry. I've seen it. I've been inside that place, and it is a rotting hellhole. It will drive you insane, it will kill all the goodness and life within you…_please_…go." The distant mask was gone and in its place was a broken pleading man that Harry could not comfort. "I couldn't…I can't handle..the thought of you in that place."

Harry pulled him close and crushed their lips together. He could feel Sirius' body shaking as he ran his hands across Harry's chest and shoulder and into his hair, as if he wanted to memorize every curve and plane of his body.

When they broke apart there was the trace of a tear on Sirius' cheek and Harry brushed it away with his hand. "I love you Sirius Black, no matter what happens, no matter how long I'm gone, remember that…and remember that I'm coming back."

"Harry…" This time the tone was forceful. "Get out of here, get out of the country. Please."

"I can't do that. Sirius, I can't." Harry pushed his hands into the other man's hair and tangled his fingers in the silkiness. "I can't."

"Harry—." Sirius began to speak but before he could finish there was the deafening sound of multiple apparations.. Harry leaned up and pressed his lips to Sirius's again and inhaled the familiar musky scent of his skin.

"Don't forget." Harry whispered in his ear. "Don't ever forget."

Rough hands wrapped around Harry's shoulders and pulled him away from Sirius and Harry didn't struggle against them. He kept his eyes locked with Sirius' cloudy grey ones and offered the man a small smile.

"Take care of Alex—." And then he felt the world tighten around him and he couldn't see Sirius anymore.

______________________________________________________________________________

_10-27-79_

_Remus,_

_Things at school are all right. I don't know how I feel about being back though, I don't like leaving you and Sirius especially. Sirius' letters are the same, still sad. _

_I know you don't believe me, but Harry's coming back. He is. He promised me. I wish Sirius could believe that. _

_I miss you guys, and Adam Terry says hello._

_Love_

_Alex (the greatest)_

_PS- Me and Adam Terry are going dressed as a peapod to theHalloween feast, I'm sure McGonagall will get the joke. If we're lucky she'll take it as cheek and give us detention…the girls are beginning to drive us mad._

________________________________________________________________________________

_102779_

_To:_

_Target-- oo11d-- located. On signal, we move._

_H6576_

________________________________________________________________________________

I know! I know! I'm sorry! I've been away for a long long long time. But with finals, and then Christmas, a promotion, moving, lack of internet, and minor battles with my muse, I have not been the faithful updater that I usually am. I apologize.

This marks a turning point in the story, following this chapter, the story will be in Sirius' point of view. I know some of you were wanting Sirius POV and it feels right now. So we'll do a bit in Sirius' POV until I decide otherwise.

Alright, comment and let me know if you're still out there reading…if you're still interested and of course what you think!


	31. Come Home

Sirius had stopped thinking, he'd stopped wondering, and he'd stopped feeling. The last real emotion he remembered was a pain so strong and a fear so overbearing that his heart and mind seemed to stall in overexertion. There were things that haunted him for a while. The thought of Harry locked in a cell like an animal with dementors swarming and sucking the happiness out of him, but he stopped thinking about it. He still made prisoner drop offs at Azkaban and he still glanced into the cells hoping to catch a glimpse of Harry, but he hadn't. He couldn't bear to ask, he was more afraid of the reality than he was of his imagination.

Several months had passed and Sirius couldn't recall any specific dates or happenings. He knew that at some point James had begged Lily for forgiveness, he knew that Lily had come back to the house at Mercer crying and confused, but he didn't know when or why she had chosen to return home to James. He knew that Alex had come home for the summer, that he had some sort of girlfriend, that he had left again. He had vague memories of Remus and Toby playing chess with him, and Toby coming to his flat and making him dinner a few nights a week when Remus couldn't make it. He didn't know at what point he had moved out of the flat and into Mercer, taking Lily's old room. He knew that Lily had given birth to a little boy, and named him Harry James to remember the man that was lost to an unjust imprisonment. But still the loss of him was too much, and no one called this baby Harry, not even Lily. To them he was Jamie, because Harry would come back,_ Harry had to come back_. He knew Remus and he had gotten a visit from a Ministry official who had explained that Harry had appointed them Alex's guardians and they had signed the papers. He knew that he had been assigned to deskwork since the day they had arrested Harry and that for some reason neither he nor James argued it. He knew that Dumbledore had come by and sat with him saying some things that neither mattered nor made him feel any better. But all of this was a blur, as if someone had shoved all of these moments together in his mind until they were all interconnected and indistinguishable from one another.

"…we need to make a decision!" James' voice was a loud roar inside Sirius' mind and he snapped his focus back to the Order meeting. He sat in the far corner shrouded by the shadows. James was standing his hands resting on the table and his jaw tight. There was a brief silence before chaos of voices rose up amongst the thirty or so people who had gathered in the small space. This was what all of the Order meetings were like anymore. Nothing was ever organized, nothing was ever achieved, tempers and emotions ran high as things seemed only to get worse, and Voldemort seemed more and more unstoppable.

Sirius didn't listen anymore. He didn't know why he came. It was all so pointless.

"Will you all just shut up?!" This time it was Remus who yelled out, and the silence the followed was the result of such a soft-spoken man losing control. "You all sit around here, bickering and talking over each other and we're doing nothing! You're all stalling. And you're stupid for doing it."

Sirius looked at Remus and saw that the man looked more tired than usual, he could see a few streaks of grey hair and there was a tenseness to his shoulders that was unfamiliar. As Sirius watched him Remus caught his gaze and there was an apology in his eyes.

"There is nothing to wait for," Remus' voice was softer now but in a way more forceful. "Harry is not coming back. The appeal was lost, there is nothing to be done. He isn't coming back and we cannot back down now or we will surely lose everything."

Sirius' heartbeat had sped up, and his knuckles were white from his grip on the arms of his chair. He raised his head to find the majority of the people in the room staring at him. He stood and without meeting anyone's eyes walked out of the room.

______________________________________________________________________________

Sirius wasn't drunk. He didn't get drunk anymore, instead, he got numb. He sat on the kitchen counter a bottle of firewhiskey open and half empty at his side. His beat up guitar rested on his thighs and he strummed the strings lazily. He started humming to himself, and then the song came from him in a painful, tragic melody.

_Hello world_

_Hope you're listening_

_Forgive me if I`m young_

_For speaking out of turn_

_There's someone I've been missing_

_I think that they could be_

_The better half of me_

_They're in their wrong place trying to make it right_

_But I'm tired of justifying_

_So I say to you_

_Come home_

_Come home_

_Cause I've been waiting for you_

_For so long_

_For so long_

_And right now there's a war between the vanities_

_But all I see is you and me_

_The fight for you is all I've ever known_

_So come home_

_Oooh_

Sirius had sung this song to himself so many times. He didn't remember writing it, but it had become a sort of prayer, a sort of pleading request.

_I get lost in the beauty_

_Of everything I see_

_The world ain`t as half as bad_

_As they paint it to be_

_If all the sons_

_If all the daughters_

_Stopped to take it in_

_Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin_

_It might start now...Yeahh_

_Well maybe I'm just dreaming out loud_

_Until then_

_Come home_

_Come home_

_Cause I've been waiting for you_

_For so long_

_For so long_

_And right now there's a war between the vanities_

_But all I see is you and me_

_The fight for you is all I've ever known_

_Ever known_

_So come home_

_Oooh_

Sirius felt the tears on his cheeks and hated himself for his weakness, and he took another drink trying to bring the numbness back.

_Everything I can't be_

_Is everything you should be_

_And that's why I need you here_

_Everything I can't be_

_Is everything you should be_

_And that's why I need you here_

_So hear this now_

His fingers stumbled on the strings and he remembered the first time he played for Harry, and he remembered the look on his face. And he remember all the things he loved and craved, and he took another drink and pressed his fingers harder to the strings make the notes come out with all the harshness of reality.

_Come home_

_Come home_

_Cause I've been waiting for you_

_For so long_

_For so long_

_And right now there's a war between the vanities_

_But all I see is you and me_

_The fight for you is all I've ever known_

_Ever known_

_So come home_

_Come home_

As the song ended he felt the same pathetic emptiness flow through him once again and he dropped the guitar to the floor and it clanged and he heard something crack but he couldn't bring himself to care. He drank again and set the bottle aside and closed his eyes.

He hadn't heard the door open, but he was still unsurprised as the glass of the bottle scraped along the counter. He raised his eyes and was surprised to see Lily standing there.

He looked at her for a long time, and neither spoke. There was a pain in her eyes that was raw and undiluted. Harry had meant something deep to Lily, and she was a mess after the trial, nearly as bad as Sirius and Alex. Lily lifted herself up and sat cross-legged on the counter. Sirius continued strumming the guitar his eyes still locked on hers. She took a long drink from the bottle and didn't flinch. She rested the bottle in the small space between her legs and gave him a sad smile.

"I didn't know you played." She responded and took another drink. Sirius drew in a breath and then took the bottle for her after taking a drink he handed it back before closing his eyes. "It's a beautiful song."

When Sirius didn't respond Lily took another long drink from the bottle. And set it down harder than necessary.

"I left James at home with Jamie." Lily's voice was a whisper. " Remus is there too."

Sirius nodded and picked at the fray in his jeans. Lily took hold of his hand and looked up at him.

"You want to know something funny?" She continued, a little more strength to her tone. "When I first saw him…there was just this…connection…. I don't know. For a long time I thought I was in love with him."

One side of Sirius' mouth quirked and Lily laughed a little. "Something about him…I don't know," she said, "I've tried to figure it out…but…he's just important to me…and I don't know why and it doesn't matter why."

There was a long pause and Sirius lit a cigarette.

"It's Harry…he's too strong to let Azkaban break him," Her voice was low and not entirely convincing, "And when this war has blown over, he'll come back to us. He'll come home."

Sirius closed his eyes and nodded a little.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sirius woke up the next morning with a familiar pain throbbing at the back of his head, and Lily curled up against him on the sofa. He leaned his head back against the armrest and took a deep breath. Like every morning since the day Harry was arrested, Sirius cursed him. He yelled out mentally at the man and blamed him for all this pain, and then, he slowly untangled himself from Lily and made his way to the bathroom. He stood at the sink and splashed water on his face before catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror. His hair was longer now, shaggy and wild. He looked pale, worn. For nearly a year, he had been unable to breathe without pain, he had been unable to fall asleep sober, and it showed. It showed in the hardened look to his eyes, and the dark circles below them.

He made his way down the stairs and into the kitchen, where he found Lily with her head in her hands, and James leaning against the wall, hands in his pockets and dark circles under his eyes.

Sirius knew this tension, he knew the feeling of dread that snuck into his stomach and was about to speak when Remus appeared in the doorway with Toby just behind him.

Sirius looked around at the four of them and waited for the sky to fall.

______________________________________________________________________________

It was late August and The Wizarding World was in an uproar. Reports of Death Eaters showing up unexpectedly dead in very public places were coming in from across the country. They were all similar, they were all planned, and all of them were known members of Voldemort's inner circle. Within three months there were 40 reported murders, and the MLE was no closer to tracking down the killer. Order meetings had become frantic, everyone was trying to determine if this was some quiet savior or something far worse than Voldemort. Nobody had any idea. Death Eaters continued to prowl the streets, seemingly unabashed by the fact that they were being hunted, and the body count of the innocents climbed higher than ever before.

This night Dumbledore had called a sudden meeting of the order. There was a strange tenseness to the room, almost as though the expectation was already set and they knew the news could not be good.

Sirius stood in the back, in the shadows and met no one's eyes. There were four noticeably absent from the group, but no one questioned it. Sirius knew already why, and he didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to know about it. He wished he could return home and hide away pretending none of this existed.

Idly, he wondered to himself how much sacrifice one person was supposed to have to make. At what point was giving up simply the rational thing to do?

"We have something very important to discuss." Dumbledore spoke and the room was painfully silent. "Voldemort has heard the prophecy. We don't know how but we do know that there are only two it could apply to."

"The Potters and the Longbottoms have gone into hiding." Dumbledore said when quiet concern gave way to frantic whispers. "They have used the Fidelius Charm."

Dumbledore went on to explain the things Sirius already knew and he closed his eyes fighting back the memory of that morning when his world had come crashing down. Lily, James and baby Jamie in danger, targets. He had wanted to scream. He had gotten drunk instead.

He refused to be there secret keeper, not because he didn't want to, but because he no longer trusted himself to protect those he loved. James had seemed hurt, but Lily had pulled him into a hug and whispered to him, "We trust you Sirius."

But Sirius had taken down a new bottle of firewhiskey and told them they were too important, and that he wasn't sure he was strong enough.

Dumbledore had done it, as he had for the Longbottoms. And Sirius had said good-bye, and lost another piece of himself to this godforsaken war.

"Something big is coming," Dumbledore spoke out, "And we must be prepared. It is time to organize ourselves again. The end to this is coming, and we must do everything we can to tip the odds in our favor.

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9-22-80

_Remus._

_I don't understand why we were all kept at Hogwarts for the summer. I miss you all, I want to come home. I want to see Jamie…I bet he's gotten so big and Lily said I could teach him sign when he was big enough._

_I'm worried about Sirius. I haven't heard from him in a while. Everyone here is scared. They aren't letting us read the papers anymore, but Adam Terry found one in the bin after Charms the other day. A lot of people are dying. _

_Your letters seem strange, what aren't you telling me?_

_All my love._

_Alex_

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100180

T=London. 2Days.

Prepare.

H6576

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The attack on London was unforeseen by the MLE, and the Order. They did not wait until night fell, they attacked in the middle of the day. One moment muggles and wizards alike were going about their business when hundreds upon hundreds of Death Eaters apparated into the open streets.

And the killing started. Wizards and Muggles fought back, the muggle police and the MLE fought with a strange understanding of whose side they were on. Thousands died, twice as many were wounded, and there was no explanation. The Ministry acted quickly to take control of the muggle media, and no news leaked out about one of the bloodiest battles England had ever known.

Sirius, Remus and Toby fought side by side. All pretenses left behind as they fired off unforgivables without a second thought. It was the kind of fight where there was no grey, for those Death Eaters who did not die rose again and killed without mercy.

Blood slicked the streets and screams filled the air. Dumbledore and the Order spread themselves out across the city, protecting what they could where they could.

They looked as if they had been losing, and there was the wicked stench of death in the air when suddenly a swarm of people appeared in the streets. These were wizards but not MLE, and they killed with a precision and a drive that Sirius had never seen.

He watched the men take down Death Eaters one after another, and the tide had turned. It all seemed to happen so quickly that Sirius was unable to do anything but continue the fight, until something stopped him in his tracks and the air left his longs in a long whoosh.

Twenty feet away a man stood with six or so children cowering behind him. His hands were raised, palms out in front of him as jets of evil light impacted and ricocheted off of the wandless shield he produced.

Sirius felt a burning heat race past him and stepped back just in time to narrowly avoid a jet off light, and when he looked back the man and the children were gone.

After twelve hours of brutal fighting, the Death Eaters had lost and either died, or disappeared. And London lay broken and burning around the survivors.

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Sirius was drinking again, in his bedroom. A bottle and a half of firewhiskey and he was just starting to feel as if he was making some progress when the door to his room opened. He expected to find Remus there with his pitying and disapproving look but instead he found Toby.

Sirius didn't get up from his place on the bed and Toby didn't move from the doorway. For a long time they stared at each other, and then Toby stepped in and closed the door behind him.

"I feel like I'm living in hell." Toby's voice was soft and ragged. Sirius never took his eyes off of him. He raised the bottle and handed it to Toby. "You saw it too didn't you?"

Sirius titled his head and Toby spoke again. "The shield. The man with the kids. You saw it too."

Sirius didn't say anything for a moment, he closed his eyes and tried to pull the scene back to his mind. He couldn't remember seeing the man's face, or hearing his voice. He couldn't recall the details of how tall he was, or his body type. He didn't know, he needed to know, and he didn't.

"Yes." Sirius spoke and his voice was rough. Toby sat down next to him on the bed.

"You love him." Toby said and Sirius looked at him there was a long weighted pause and Toby's voice came out again, soft and guilty. "So do I."

Sirius took in Toby's dark hair and eyes, his soft features and the sadness and pain the radiated from him. He saw none of the man that he loved there, nothing comparable. What he saw was a mirror of himself, of his loss, of his emptiness. And without knowing why he reached out and placed his hand on Toby's cheek.

Toby sighed and leaned against him before turning his head to face Sirius.

Silence fell again, Toby looked at Sirius and suddenly they were kissing. It was rough and uncoordinated and the bottle of firewhiskey fell to the floor spilling the rest of its contents as it rolled.

Sirius pushed Toby down the bed and began undoing the buttons on his shirt. They moved furiously together, in desperation to feel something, anything other than what they had trapped inside of them. And they both came, screaming another man's name.

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	32. Stop The Pain

Hey All! So sorry for my absence. Things have been in a rough way for me lately. My grandmother dies a couple of weeks ago and my job has been demanding more and more of my time.

But I do love you all. Here's another chapter just because I care!

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Sirius' head was pounding and he groaned as he pinched the bridge of his nose. It took him several minutes after he opened his eyes before he was able to orient himself with his surroundings and before he was able to recapture the details of last night several things became painfully clear to him: He was naked. His boyfriend's ex-boyfriend was snoring in his ear and Remus and Lily were standing in his doorway. Sirius sat up and his head spun, and Toby snuggled his body closer. He looked up to Remus and Lily. Remus who had a sad look on his face, but there was compassion there. Lily on the other hand…her eyes were filled with a stormy anger, and it was piercing and cold despite the falling tears. Sirius swallowed and looked away on her but his eyes simply provided more devises for guilt. The spilled bottle of firewhiskey, the strewn about clothes, tangled sheets.

And then something occurred to him and his head snapped back up.

"Lily?" Sirius said his voice still rough from the nights before. "What the hell are you doing here?"

Lily gritted her teeth and looked away from him. But Remus spoke.

"Dumbledore owled this morning. He got word that there would be a move on their house. He's performed the Fidelous Charm here, we aren't to leave." Remus' voice was filled with pain and caution.

Sirius nodded. And then James appeared behind Lily and his mouth dropped into an 'O'. Sirius gently pushed Toby's shoulder and when the man only shifted a little, he elbowed him slightly harder in his chest. Toby startled and looked up at Sirius with a glazed over, confused look. Sirius tilted his head at the crowd at his door and held back a laugh at how wide Toby's eyes got.

"I…uh…" Toby stuttered and grasped around blindly on the floor for his clothes. He found his slacks and pulled them on with some difficulty as he tried to keep the blanket covering himself. Once he got his pants up, he stood up and gazed around in confusion before picking up the rest of his clothing and turning back to the silent group. He looked to Sirius for help but Sirius looked away. He walked toward the door awkwardly and Sirius watched as he approached them. "I…I'm just going to going to go."

Lily stepped into the room and off to the side and Toby slipped out without meeting anybody's eyes. Remus looked to James, "Somebody's going to have to tell him he won't be able to come back for a while."

James nodded and followed Toby downstairs. Sirius threw off his blanket without any regard to Lily or Remus' eyes. He stood up and pulled on his jeans and t-shirt before turning to desk and picking up his cigarettes. As he lit one he heard the door close behind him. He took a long drag before turning around.

Remus was hanging back still near the door, still wearing that sad pitying look. Lily, however, was much closer and before Sirius could speak her hand flew out and hit him hard across his right cheek. Sirius looked at the ground the pain from the slap making his eyes water.

"You are a whore, Sirius Black." Her voice was deadly cold and angry. Sirius still didn't look up.

"He loved you, He still loves you." Lily's voice shook with emotion and Sirius felt guilt weigh down upon him. "He fought for us, with us, he protected us and he took the fall for all of us. We should be in there with him, _you_ should be in there with him. Instead you're here, drinking yourself stupid, and sleeping around. You don't deserve his love!"

Sirius' anger and pain had rushed to the surface so quickly he was slightly startled when his voice came out loud, booming and bitterly angry.

"Don't you think I KNOW that?" Sirius shouted and Lily took a step back startled. "You don't think I know? I love him. I love him so much that I hate him. I hate him for giving himself up, for being so damn willing to walk the road to hell. I would have gone, I would have spent forever in Askaban if it meant that he didn't have to be there. I would have gladly died rather than to _know_ he's there. But he went, and he made damn sure that the rest of us were clean and untouchable. I hate him, Lily, because he condemned the man I love to hell, to torment and torture, to life without happiness! I hate him for being so damn self-sacrificing because the only thing I want is to keep him safe, and happy. To make him happy. I have nothing now, I have nothing but the pain and guilt of knowing I couldn't help him, or protect him. Nothing but the pain of knowing he didn't WANT me to."

Sirius took a deep breath and took in Lily's tears. "He's my _whole world_, he is my life. I may as well be locked in that damn cell with him."

Sirius sat down on the bed and took another drag off his cigarette. "So…just…don't." His voice was a whisper now. He didn't look up when he heard the door open and close, or when he felt the familiar weight of Remus settle on to his bed.

"Sometimes we'll do anything to stop the pain," Remus said, "We'll do irresponsible things, reckless things, things that hurt more than the pain we're already feeling. It isn't wrong or right, it's just human."

Sirius cried, his body shaking with violent sobs. Remus didn't touch him or speak. He simply sat next to him and _stayed._

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At some point Sirius must have fallen asleep, because he woke up later alone in his room. He got up and wandered aimlessly around his room. Cleaning things up, disappearing the ashes out of the ashtray and the spilled firewhiskey off the floor. He cleaned his sheets and straightened the bed before finally making his way down to the kitchen.

He lifted baby Jamie from the floor and carried him to the table where he sat down with James and Remus. Lily came over and set a cup of coffee in front of him and gently squeezed his shoulder. Sirius brought his hand up and laid it on top of hers. When there eyes met Sirius smiled a little at her and she leaned down and kissed his head. When she turned away he looked down at the baby and made what he hoped were amusing faces at him.

"Dumbledore is coming by to explain things to us. He didn't really get the chance last night." James said and Sirius nodded.

"He didn't say anything about where the information came from?" Sirius asked.

James shook his head. "No. He showed up and said that he got information for a trusted source that there would be an attack within the next week. And that we had to leave. That's when we came here."

Sirius nodded. "I'll…I'll move into Harry's room until…while you're here."

James only nodded. There came a knock on the door and Lily crossed the room to answer it. She came back with Dumbledore. They all stood as he entered and he waved them down.

"I have some…bad news." Dumbledore said in a tired voice as he settled himself into the chair Lily offered him. " The Longbottoms were attacked last night shortly before we came to you."

Lily gasped but Dumbledore held up his hand.

"They're alive. Alice was injured but we suspect she'll recover well." Dumbledore responded quickly. "The worst of it is…we don't know _how_ he got the location."

"Nobody else knew…" James said more statement than question and Dumbledore shook his head.

"No. So he must have learned to dismantle the charm." Remus said with a disgusted tone. "Damn it."

"That's why we moved you. We aren't trusting the charm now. We're going to seclude you, cut off the floo, make it unplottable, and we're going to seal it with blood magic." Dumbledore said. "We're doing the same with the Longbottoms."

There was a tense stunned silence that filled the room and even baby Jamie seemed to feel it as he began to squirm in Sirius' lap.

"For how long?" It was barely a whisper from Lily.

"Until we know you're safe." The old man said, with no trace of the familiar twinkle in his eyes.

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Three days later…

Severus Snape watched from the side as the Death Eaters came to the area where they thought the house was located. One man stepped forward and began waving his wand in wide arcs. As his wand came down each time a section of air in front of them shimmered. Each section looked like a tangled knot of white string. And it was not without a burning rage and loathing that Severus watched as Toby began to unravel the thin strands of magic.

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Sirius was nervous, anxious…and he didn't know why. He felt like something was coming, and he kept going over the protections of the house in his head, over and over and over. He paced. He had been pacing for hours. He didn't smoke, Lily was forcing him to quit now that Jamie was in the house. Sirius wanted a cigarette so badly he thought he might scream. But instead he paced. Twenty minutes later Lily slammed the book she was reading down on the table and glared at him.

"Bloody Hell Sirius! Go have a damn cigarette then!" Lily yelled out and Remus covered a laugh with his hand.

Sirius looked at her and his voice was quiet when he spoke, "Something isn't right."

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The ground was wet from the melting snow as they approached the darkened house. Severus Snape closed his eyes and let the cold air he inhaled freeze his insides. The house was small but somehow comforting, even to look at. It was a house he could imagine Lily living in, raising her babies in. He tried to comfort himself that even if he died tonight for his dishonesty, it would be worth it if he could protect her. If by doing this, and being here, he could protect the woman he loved. Even if she returned none of his feelings, and even if it was James Potter who got to watch her raise those babies, he was the one protecting her now.

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Sirius now set in his bedroom smoking his second cigarette. The door opened and Remus came in.

"Sirius. Everything is fine. We're well protected here." Remus was using his soothing voice, Sirius hated that voice.

He shook his head. "No. Something isn't right. I can feel it."

Sirius tapped his foot rapidly on the floor and Remus frowned at him.

"Sirius…" Remus said. "You're working yourself up over nothing."

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Voldemort walked in the center, surrounded by the few Death Eaters who had yet to be killed or captured. He had become mad with his obsession over these two infants. Mad with the fear of his own mortality that he had lost focus on his cause and their numbers had dwindled to merely fifty or so.

______________________________________________________________________________

Sirius came back down stairs, the anxious feeling in his stomach had graduated into full on churning and he felt sick and fear was beginning to creep in on him.

"Did you guys check the wards?" He said, his voice was raspy and desperate.

Remus nodded. "They're fine Sirius."

James came up to him and put a hand on his shoulder. "Sirius, I don't know what's gotten into you but you're scaring the hell out of Lily."

Sirius looked to Lilly who sat in the same chair as earlier, but she was curled into a tight ball clutching her hands together tightly.

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The made their way up the walk and Severus noticed the curtains at the house next door swing closed. No one would come, no one would call for the MLE. Fear was a powerful thing.

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Sirius sat down next to Lily and took her hands in his, "I'm sorry if I scared you."

Lilly shook her head and met his eyes. "I feel it too."

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Voldemort waved Severus forward with a bony hand and he took his place at the front of the group. He pointed his wand at the door and the door exploded into thousands of tiny pieces. They stepped over the wreckage and into the dark hallway.

They moved into what seemed to be the dining room when there was a snapping sound and the lights came on, brighter than they should have been.

Severus' heart thundered to a halt as he took in the man who lounged comfortably in a chair at the formal dining table. He had one foot on the other chair in front of him and he pulled a cigarette from the pack on the table and lit it with his wand. His eyes slanted to the side and Severus noted the briefest flash of surprise and anger in them before a hard mask fell across his features. Severus barely had time to grasp who he was looking at before with a flick of the man's wrist and a strange colored jet of light, Toby fell to the ground.

"Traitors deserve nothing but death, wouldn't you agree, Tom?" His voice was calm, cold and distant and Severus flinched at the tone.

"I would." Came Voldemort's response as he waved down the wands of the Death Eaters that surrounded him.

Harry slid the chair out with his foot, and the scraping of wooden legs against the floor was jarring.

"Have a seat, why don't you?"

Severus expected the fight to begin then, he expected Voldemort to strike out at the pure audacity but instead Voldemort laughed and it was a strange contrived sound, before stepping forward and taking the offered chair.

"You aren't afraid, that is intriguing." Voldemort spoke and it was Harry's turn to laugh.

"Of course I'm not. You can't kill me." Harry said and for the first time Severus noted the tenseness of his body, despite his casual pose. As if he was a taught string. "After all, I know how to locate what you are looking for. And I've come to offer you a trade."

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Thoughts? Hmm?


	33. Second Chance

Severus didn't know what to think or do, and it seemed that neither the Death Eaters nor Voldemort himself did either. Never, since his rising had Voldemort been spoken to this way and it was not without reason. Harry took a drag off his cigarette and quirked an eyebrow in Severus' direction and he noticed there was something angry in the other man's pale green eyes. Voldemort steepled his fingers in front of him and gave Harry an appraising look.

Severus' eyes traveled over the man as Voldemort's did, there was a new scar that was poorly healed and cut across his cheek and under his left eye. He looked older, much older than the year and a half that had passed since Severus had last seen him. There was a roughness to the skin of his face and hands that can only come when someone spends too much time unprotected in harsh weather. He seemed to have lost weight, but he looked physically stronger. Severus could see each and every tendon in his hands. Even his eyes looked different, not empty but purposefully vacant and shielded.

"Do forgive me, but it seems you know a great deal about me, whereas I know so little about you." Voldemort's tone was smooth as glass, and warmer in tone than was characteristic. "Of course, I recall you the brazen man from the battlefield. But even my most resourceful servants have been unable to locate any particularly guiding information."

Harry flicked his cigarette to the side and took another drag, "Tom, I understand that it must be frustrating to find you cannot gain access to my mind, but I assure you it is no reflection on your talents, I simply had an excellent teacher. I'm sure you understand."

Again, Voldemort laughed and it was as unsettling as the first time, but it was background noise to Severus who had suddenly been met Harry's eyes and was suddenly overwhelmed with a memory, not of his own.

Harry stood in front of a mirror addressing himself. His eyes were intensely focused as if he were memorizing every possible detail down to the speckles of dust on the mirror.

"Severus. We will not have much time. Trust me that I will explain it all. But if he has anyone with him. Once the vow is completed you must incompacitate any he has brought along."

The memory faded in seconds and Voldemort was still laughing but it was drawing to a close. Severus looked to Harry and inclined his head only slightly.

"All pleasantries aside then," Voldemort's cold tone returned as he brought his attention back to Harry. "What I want for what you want I assume. So what is it that you want?"

"I want myself, Alex Rettner, Sirius Black, Lily Evans, James Potter, and Remus Lupin to be guaranteed safety from any type of attack from you." Harry offered with a nonchalant shug.

Voldemort tilted his head to the side. "Is that all?"

"That's all." Harry said.

"Very well." Voldemort said with a glint to his dark eyes. "Where is this boy?"

"No offenses intended, Tom, but I'd prefer if we formalized it." Harry said, "As a safeguard. I'm sure one of your _servants_ would oversee the vow."

Voldemort looked startled and seemed to hold a battle within himself momentarily before he nodded curtly.

_Damn fool._ Severus thought. Voldemort called over one of the Death Eaters that Severus couldn't be bothered to recall and they began the vow. When their hands glowed signifying the successful completion of the spell Voldemort moved to pull his hand away but Harry held tight. Harry glanced at Severus and within seconds all hell had broken loose. It took him six stunning spells, two binding spells, and a hammering spell before all of the gathered Death Eaters were rendered useless. Severus turned his eyes back to Harry and Voldemort to find Harry's grip on the dark lord had not refrained.

There was a murderous fury in Voldemort's eyes but he seemed incapable of movement and then he let out a bone jarring scream that went on for what seemed like years. Severus watched as Harry continued to grip his arm, pools of sweat appearing on his brown and blood seeping from his right nostril, but he did not release Voldemort. Severus jerked violently when he felt a painful stinging on his own arm and looked down to see his own mark seeping out of his skin in black rivelets. Voldemort fell to his knees, and continued to scream and then suddenly it stopped. Harry released him and Severus saw the black smoke drift from between Voldemort's arm and Harry's hand and the blood that was seeping from the other man's arm. Harry stumbled back again and seemed drained. But he brought his wand up and his eyes flashed with an emotion that could be mistaken for nothing but pure, unadulterated hatred.

"I am the boy you seek," Harry rasped out. "I have brought myself to you, you need not search. In another time, you marked me as your equal, and I am here now to vanquish you."

Harry held his wand up but it shook slightly, and Voldemort raised his own and screamed out, "CRUCIO!" it struck Harry hard but before Severus could step in Voldemort's body erupted in gold flames. His screams echoed through the fast burning fire and within seconds it was gone leaving no trace of the man it had ignited.

Harry's breathing was ragged as he struggled to stand. He had cut himself on something when he had fallen and was bleeding freely from the wound on his head. Severus rushed to his side as he nearly collapsed.

"Harry…" Severus began as he struggled with the man's weight.

"Take me home, Severus. And then go to Albus and tell him what has happened." Harry said weakly, "Once I am able, I will come to you and I will explain."

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Severus apparated them to Mercer Street and attempted to help Harry to the house but the man shook him off.

"You won't be able to get close. The wards will catch you." Harry said. "Go to Albus. Send someone to collect the Death Eaters."

Severus nodded hesistantly before apparating away.

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Sirius sat with Lily and James, and Remus unable to move and unable to think. He stared into the fire as the pain in his chest welled up to astounding proportions causing his head to swim with the pain. There was a loud bang from the door and all four of them jumped. Sirius, James and Remus were instantly on their feet wands drawn as they made their way to the door.

The rounded the corner to the hallway and James spoke.

"Declare yourself!" James' voice boomed and bounced off of the walls.

The figure in the hallway crashed to the ground and finally they could see the face of the intruder as the hood of his cloak fell back. He looked at them with pain filled green eyes and spoke with a weak and raspy tone, "Lily…Need Lily."

The three men stood stunned for a full minute before Lily pushed past them in a blur of red, "Harry!"

The sound of his name woke them all up and they moved quickly to him. By the time they had reached his side Harry was already unconscious.

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Harry had been awake for at least an hour. His eyes were closed and he kept his breathing slow and steady. He could hear Remus and James whispering a few feet away and feel Lilly curled up next to him and Sirius's warm hand holding his.

He tried to think about something, to feel something different than just the pure agony that was winding its way through his body and mind. It felt as if his entire body was on fire, as if every nerve ending was exploding with pain and when he could hold it in no longer he gasped out but the words that he spoke were not what he intended.

"Please…just…let me die." He didn't recognize his own voice under the strain and the hoarseness.

He felt Sirius release his hand and heard the violent scrape of the chair followed closely by Sirius' heavy footsteps and the slam of the door. Lily had jerked up and now sat up. He forced his eyes open and Looked at Lily through a strange red haze.

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Lily withheld the scream that bubbled within her as Harry opened his eyes. It seemed as if the blood vessels in his eyes had burst and there was now a soft red tint to them. His jaw was tense and the skin around his eyes was taught and tight. She stroked his cheeks.

"Are you in a lot of pain?" Lily asked and he nodded slowly. "I need you to tell me where it hurts."

"Every where." Harry's voice was gravelly and hoarse. "Inside."

Lily closed her eyes and nodded. She pulled out three vials of an extended pain potion and helped him drink them down. His eyes drifted closed again and Lily turned her eyes for the first time to James and Remus who had made their way to the edge of the bed. Their faces were tense with worry and Lily shook her head.

"This is beyond me. There are no external wounds, but he's in a great deal of pain." Lily said and took a deep breath. "We've got to call for—."

Before she could finish the door burst open again and Dumbledore entered the room. He looked frazzled but lighter somehow, freer.

"How is he?" He asked his eyes flitting over Harry.

"Not good. He's in an incredible amount of pain, I believe there have to be some sort of internal injuries. But I can't imagine what it would be." Lily said. "We need a Senior Healer. I don't have the experience for this."

Dumbledore nodded and turned to Remus. "Remus, the spell you and Toby developed to remove the mark, do you know what possible side effects it could have?"

The room became so silent that even Harry's soft and stuttered breathing seemed to be a loud roar. Remus did not take his eyes from where Harry lay and when he spoke his voice was low and quiet.

"We never thought he'd live."

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Sirius sat at the kitchen table an empty glass and a full bottle in front of him. He tapped his fingers anxiously on the table and willed himself to be stronger than he thought he was. He heard Harry's words over and over in his head and he tried to imagine the amount of pain he must be in to wish for his own death. But more than that he thought about the worn black robes that he wore with the gold insignia that didn't mean anything in particular to Sirius, except that he had seen it before.

His memory took him back to the streets of London on the "Day of Hell" as the muggles had called it, terrorists they had said, Sirius remembered the men who wore those robes and the insensity and precision with which they fought. He remembered making the connection later, Unspeakables…_of course._ And the moment he had seen Harry wearing those robes he had understood. It was no secret that Unspeakables were people who didn't exist, people who staged their own deaths and disappearances. People who got sent to Azkaban with life sentences never to be heard from again.

Harry did not look like a man who had just escaped from Azkaban.

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Two healers had arrived through the floo and Sirius had brought them up. He stood at the periphere of the room while they worked on Harry. He was still unconscious as they performed diagnostic spells, and while he didn't hear nor understand the frantic whispers, he understood one thing, no one had the slightest idea of what was going on.

The were all standing off to the side from Harry's bed and the Senior Healer came over to them, running a hand through his graying hair.

"There isn't much I can tell you. His magic levels are low, extremely low, his body is overexerted." He said, "There's no way to know what kind of damage is there because as a protective force what's left of his magic energy has formed a shield around him. The pain he is in is most likely excrutiating, his body is literally defending itself to it's own demise. Does anyone know the nature of the spell he used?"

"It was an unbinding spell, infusion of his magic into Voldemort's to break apart a magical bind." Remus' voice was dry, "It may have been ten or twenty or four hundred unbindings. There isn't a way to know."

The healer nodded, "That would explain the drain. Frankly, I'm surprised he's even alive. But he won't survive like this for long, the broken blood vessels in his eyes are the first sign of his body's inability to cope with the stress of this kind of magical drain."

"Is there anything that can be done?" Sirius asked, his voice already bitter and sad.

"The only option we have is to try and restore his magic, similar to a blood transfusion or recharging a battery." The healer glanced back at Harry, "Although, with the severity of this…it would likely take hundreds of wizards and witches to do it. And even then there are risks."

"What risks?" James asked quietly. The Healer opened his mouth but it was Lily who spoke from her place at the window where she had been staring out into the street.

"It has to be done consistently, one person after another. Each person is only able to give about a hundreth of their own magical strength, their body won't allow any more. There cannot be a pause of more than a few seconds between each person or his body will attempt to heal itself with its available resources, and in the process his heart will overexert and he will die."

Silence fell again in the room and they all looked at Lily whose face had become pale, and emotionless. Suddenly Harry's breath got loud and ragged and then he began coughing Lily and the two Healers were at his side in a second pulling Harry into a sitting position and blood began pouring out his mouth. The healers looked at each other but made no move to take action, after several minutes Harry began to wheeze and fell back into unconsciousness.

"We have very little time." The Senior Healer said, "He won't make it through the night."

______________________________________________________________________________

They made their way through the screaming crowds on the steps of the ministry. The Minister was holding a press conference to inform the public that Voldemort was, in fact, dead. And Dumbledore was going to usurp the Minister's moment. Before the Minister could even take the Podium Dumbledore had made it to the front of the crowd and stood before the microphone.

"We have lived the past three years in a darkness so black, most of us could not remember what being in the light felt like. We had forgotten how to hope, how to dream. We settled ourselves in for a long and painful end to life as we know it." Dumbledore spoke and the crowd was silent. "But then, as if by some miracle, as if fate had predicted our own inability to believe, we were given a second chance. Tom Riddle, or better known as Lord Voldemort was overtaken tonight, and his Death Eaters were either killed or captured. We have been given a chance to right the wrongs we have committed, to correct the errors of our ways. We have been given hope, and life, and the right to dream again."

There was a great roar of celebration from the crowd but Dumbledore silenced them by raising his hand.

"We should celebrate, we have a great deal to be thankful for. However, there are still many who we lost, and many who continue to suffer the aftereffects of this tragic fight for our way of life. And we must not forget them. More than that, we must raise ourselves up and become the kind of people they died fighting for, the kind of community they believed we could be." Dumbledore glanced toward the back of the crowd which had begun to part as Sirius and James levitated a strecher toward the stairs of the Ministry. "Our second chance, did not come without sacrifice. And while there are a great many who sacrificed and lost to preserve our cause, no one has given more than the man who saved us all. Harry Pierson, is the one who brought the most powerful dark lord our country has seen in a century to his end. And he did it without being asked, and without complaint, he did it with no expectation of gratitude or reward. He did it even with the belief and the knowledge that he would likely die to save us."

Sirius and James had made it to the front of the crowd and settled the strecher that carried Harry's body gently onto the stairs at the foot of the podium.

"But he did not die, against impossible odds, he survived." All eyes were on the prone form of the war-torn man in front of them. "And now, like we needed him, he needs us."

Cameras flashed and frenzied whispers overtook the crowd, once again Dumbledore silenced them with a raise of his hand.

"He is dying. His magical strength was all but completely drained in his struggle with Voldemort. And his only hope is for us to give him the tiniest piece our own magic." Dumbledore looked out into the crowd. "It seems so little to ask, in return for the pieces of himself that he gave defending us all."

And Dumbledore stepped down from the podium and knelt beside Harry. He looked up to the healer who waved his wand over Harry's body. A soft gold glow surrounded him and Dumbledore placed his hands on Harry's chest a brief light flashed and Dumbledore stepped back and Lily took his place, she was followed by Sirius, and James, and then Remus, Severus had stepped from the crowd and replaced Remus' hands with his own. And people stepped forward, people they knew and people they didn't, they knelt by the side of the man who was willing to die so that they might live.

One by one they all stepped forward, men and women crying and kissing his face, and giving him just a little bit more strength. Sirius started when Narcissa and Lucius Malfoy stepped forward from the crowd but Remus but a gentle but firm hand on his shoulder.

Narcissa knelt first, placing her hands to his chest with a whispered 'thank you' and Lucius followed. The Minster was the last to place his hands on Harry's chest and then the gold glow flickered for a moment before going out completely.

_____________________________________________________________________________


	34. How To Live

Harry knew he wasn't alone before he opened his eyes. He could feel the presence of the others, and their nervousness was hovering in the air around him. He took a deep breath and pushed back the lingering pain in his limbs. He opened his eyes and found himself, unexpectedly, in his own room in their house at Mercer. Remus and Lily were sitting in the far corner of the room whispering to each other, Sirius stood at the window a few feet away staring out into the street. Harry pushed himself up to a sitting position. He clenched his jaw against the pain that shot through his nerves at the movement. There was a ringing in his ears and he shook his head hoping to rid himself of it, only to find that it was made worse. He looked at Sirius and he felt himself warmed, and comforted but also broken and afraid.

Sirius was beautiful, he was always beautiful. His dark hair fell in long waves and now brushed his shoulders. His fine features were all at once delicate and strong. Harry watched as Sirius ran a hand through his hair and let out a sigh. He turned toward Remus and Lily his eyes barely grazing over the bed in which Harry sat. It took a moment but the grey eyes widened and returned to Harry's face with an apprehensive hope and Sirius opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. They stared at each other for a long moment, so much time spread out between them, so much pain and disappointment, too many lies and half-truths.

"Harry!" Lily's voice rang out like a siren and crashed their silence. Lily and Remus rushed to Harry's side but Harry kept his eyes on Sirius who had yet to move or speak. Harry watched as Sirius looked at him, took a step backward and then turned and walked out of the room.

"Harry? How do you feel? Is there any pain?" Lily asked her fingers pressing into his chest and brushing across his cheek. Harry reached up and took her hand in his.

"Some pain, not too much." Harry's voice was dry from underuse. "Lily, I'm all right. I'm alive"

Harry had a lot of time to think over the past week. Remus, Lily, James and Sirius were all out doing their part to help rebuild London since the fall of Voldemort. For the first two days Lily had given Harry very strict instructions not to get out of bed except to go to the bathroom. Harry being who he is decided to attempt to make his way to the kitchen and had passed out on the stairs. Lily had yelled at him the way Moms are wont to, without raising her voice and using his full name, well she made up a middle name but it was pretty much the same. He stayed in bed on the third day and after a long discussion with Lily was allowed to get up and out after that. He puttered around the house, cleaning what wasn't dirty; inventing dishes to cook that tasted the same as what Harry imagined sewage would taste like. He spent a great deal of time at the window, hidden by the curtains watching the reporters who had gathered on the street hoping for a sight of what the papers were calling, "The Man Who Saved Us All".

He thought about Alex and how much better he sounded in his letters, and how everything at school seemed to be going well for him. He thought about Lily and James and baby Jamie. He thought about Jamie a lot. He thought about the fact that Jamie looked nothing like him, he had Lily's eyes and James' messy hair, but his features were different, softer. He had more Lily in him than Harry did. Harry marveled at that. What a difference a year makes, what a difference _time_ makes.

He thought about how happy Remus seemed. He was working now at the Spell Institute; he was heralded for his work on developing the spell that blocked the killing curse. His transformations were still rough on him, and he still looked as though he was aging twice as fast as he had before. But the Institute and the Ministry had given him a grant to work towards developing a cure. And Harry had never seen so much hope in Remus' eyes.

He thought about the Wizarding World and the celebrations that were still going on. He thought about how things were changing, how old prejudices were being faced head on and with ferocity. He even thought about the Malfoy's and their son whom they had named, of course, Draco. And the difference in them, he thought about the article that he read about Lucius coming forward and speaking about the Death Eaters and Voldemort and offering his knowledge to the Ministry to help them protect against something like this happening again.

He thought about time, and the differences and the changes his presence had brought. He thought about Jamie and Draco and he wondered what would be different in the future. He wondered about his place in this world, and all the secrets he kept. He wondered what he would do now, now that he was done surviving and had a chance to live. He thought about how the Ministry had given him the Order of Merlin, First Class. He thought about the offer from the Aurors to join as an instructor in their training program. He thought about the offer from the Unspeakables.

Of all the things he thought about, there was only one thing he didn't want to think about. And that one thing, he could not escape from. _Sirius Black_. Harry couldn't help but wonder at what point his life had become so intertwined with Sirius Black. He tried to push it out of his mind, but it was always there. He thought about Sirius' beauty and his sad and conflicted eyes. The way he discretely left the room when Harry entered, how he would open his mouth as if he wanted to speak but no words would follow. How he would hover just outside the bedroom door while Harry slept.

And because of this. Because of the things he wanted to think about were so impossible to understand, and the one thing he didn't want to think about was so damn clear. Harry was going insane. And insanity combined with house arrest did not go well together.

For another week, Harry simmered in his insanity and growing frustration, and nobody seemed to notice.

It was a Tuesday.

It was Tuesday and Lily was in the kitchen cooking, and Remus was leaning on the counter chatting with her about the differences between the blood components of Werewolves and actual wolves and human beings. James and Sirius were due back from work any minute, and Harry sat at the table sipping a glass of firewhiskey and simmering.

Lily and Remus laughed from their place at the stove and Harry flinched without knowing why. Harry took another drink and thought about Sirius and how he still hovered at the bedroom door.

James and Sirius came home boisterous and joking, telling a story about a man who had somehow managed to get himself trapped within a closet he while he was attempting to curse it so that his wife wouldn't be able to hide his stockpile of dirty muggle magazines. Harry pushed his food around on his plate, and simmered. Remus looked at him strangely for a moment. But then he looked away and nobody said anything.

They continued chatting and laughing and joking and part of Harry loathed them for it. Because he didn't know how to be happy, and laugh and joke without the potential for disaster hanging over his head. And then Remus looked at him again and Harry boiled over.

"Damn it, Remus! Stop looking at me like that!" Harry shouted slamming his fork down on the table. Silence fell and everyone stared at him.

"Bloody hell." Harry said and stood up knocking his chair back as he did.

"Harry…" Lily's voice was soft and soothing.

"Oh just leave off." Harry said and left the room. He walked out of the house and sat on the stairs and lit a cigarette. The Reporters had stopped showing up, they gave up when they realized they could not outwait Harry.

The door opened and Harry sighed and took an aggravated drag off his cigarette. He stood up and turned but stopped short when he saw Sirius leaning against the door.

"What the hell?" Harry said frustration and unexplainable anger welling up inside of him. "Come to tell me how selfish I am? How stupid? Don't think I can't see it in your goddamn eyes, and hear it in your silence."

Sirius said nothing. And in that moment Harry wished it was raining. Conversations like this made more sense in the rain. Instead, the sky was clear and the air was crisp but not cold.

"Come on Sirius, say it." Harry's voice was mean in an almost childish way. "Tell me I'm selfish, and stupid, and that you'll never forgive me. But I swear, if you continue to just stand there and say NOTHING, I am going to stop caring whether you forgive me or not."

"Nobody thinks you are selfish or stupid." Sirius' voice was as smooth as it ever had been. "In fact, everybody thinks the opposite."

"Everyone but you." Harry said turning away from him and pulling out another cigarette.

"Everyone but me." Sirius admitted.

"I know." Harry took a drag and looked out at the empty street again. "Remus fought with me on it, they told me not to go, not to face him alone. They told me the spell would probably kill me."

Harry could hear Sirius' breathing.

"Part of me…thought it was for the best. I have been doing nothing but surviving since I was eleven years old." Harry continued as if he was talking to himself, and he thought…that he kind of was. "I don't know how to live. I didn't want to die, not really. I love Remus and Lily and James, and Alex. I love _you_. But I don't really know how to. I don't know how to have a future with anyone, because I never thought I would."

Harry tossed the cigarette out into the street and turned back to find Sirius leaning against the door, his eyes closed.

"So maybe I'm selfish. And you can be angry." Harry said. "But I had to do it. I had to end it, because if I didn't there would have been no reason for me to survive anyway. You, all of you, you're all I have. And life without you would have been worthless. I've seen death, I've seen so much death. Your death, is not something I could have survived."

Harry's eyes were glued to Sirius' face.

"You're selfish, and stupid. And I am angry." Sirius said, his voice tightly controlled. "Because you didn't stop to think, that maybe we, _I_, couldn't have survived your death."

Harry looked at the ground. He felt Sirius move closer and pull his face up. He saw the tears shining in the man's eyes.

"I love you. And maybe that's enough, and maybe it isn't." Sirius said. "But I'm willing to try it and find out."

Harry nodded his head a little.

"But, if I'm going to do this. If we're going to do this." Sirius said. "You're going to have to learn how to live. Because I'm not ready to die."

AN: I know, it's short. But I wanted to give you something. This chapter could be an ending. I'm not set on it. There's a lot left between Harry and Sirius. Anybody interested in seeing that or shall we end it dramatically?

Let me know your thoughts.

PS- Thank you all for your kind words. Things are getting better, slowly. I'm still a bit overwhelmed but it's becoming more manageable every day. Take care and thank you again.


	35. Life Goes on

Harry stood waiting in a quiet room just outside the main foyer of the Ministry. He could hear the minister speaking and the shouted questions from the collected press. He could hear the clicks of cameras as they echoed off the high ceilings. The room he was in was large, there was a conference table in the center of it that could easily seat twenty people. Harry was in the back corner, he back against the wall and his eyes shut. He felt claustrophobic, he felt as though he was without escape. One of the doors opened and a nervous looking wizard poked his head in the door.

"Sir, they're ready for you now." The man's voice squeaked a little from nervousness, and when Harry looked at him he tried to smile.

Pushing himself off the wall he headed down the long room toward the man. As he approached the wizard opened the door wider and pressed himself back against it to give Harry as much room as possible. Harry looked at him more closely now. His hair was a dark brown and shaggy but not long, he wore glasses with thick rims and he couldn't have been more than twenty. Harry imagined he might have been this man, if he had been allowed to choose his own destiny. He smiled again at the man and walked past him into the foyer.

"…the Man Who Saved Us All." The minister's booming voice echoed again and he made a wide, dramatic gesture in Harry's direction.

The cameras flashed with an astounding speed and consistency. Harry kept his head down and made his way to the platform that had been set up. He stood behind the podium and looked out into the crowd. There were a few recognizable faces, Dumbledore stood off to the side along with several members of the Order, surprisingly, Alastor Moody was there scanning the crowd with his magic eye. His eyes traveled to the back of the room where Lily stood with Jamie on her hip and James next to her. Remus and Sirius stood a few feet away and Harry's heart gave a stuttered jump when he saw Alex's familiar curls bouncing up and down as the boy waved his arms over his head.

The crowd quieted down and the room filled with a tangible expectation. Harry took a deep breath and glanced at Lily once more, she smiled widely and gave him a nod. He performed a quick sonorous spell before speaking.

"I don't really have anything prepared to say, I know you all have some questions and I'll give you what time I can to answer them. But before we do, I'd like us all to take a minute to honor those who have fallen, or been gravely injured in this war, and for their loved ones who continue to suffer from it." Harry said. The room went silent and Harry closed his eyes fighting off the memories that were forever at the edge of his mind.

After a minute he opened his eyes and took another deep breath.

"Okay. Who has questions?" He asked. And immediately hands flew into the air and the screaming began. He held his hands up. "All right, I can only answer one question at a time, you there." He said pointing at a large man near the front."

"Alfred Tomkins. Wizarding World Magazine." The man said in a deep baritone. "I understand that there were some after affects of the spell that you used to kill _him_. Can you elaborate on the spell and the affect it had on you?"

"Well, the spell was actually a simple unbinding spell. It was simply scaled up by about 400 times. It essentially unbound every Death Eater still wearing the mark. The magnitude of the spell drained my magical reserves completely." Harry said calmly, "The affects were that my reserves were so low that my body began, what the healers tell me, was a protective shield. Essentially, what was left of my magic shielded me from further injury, but it also began to tap into my body's natural strength to do so. Slowly, my heart and lungs began to fail. The recuperation was slow, but I am doing well. You, Ma'am"

"Donna Kothworth. Daily Prophet." The young witch said, "There are some rumors that you're planning on taking over the Auror division, any truth to that?"

"I have been offered a position with the Aurors, though not as the head of the division. I have also been offered a few others, but at this time I haven't made any definite choice." Harry said and pointed at another woman near the center of the room.

"Caroline Marquis. French International News Room." She said with a light French accent, "You are very young to have accomplished what you have, some reports are coming out saying you've fought wars like this before. Can you tell us more about these experiences, and how you knew so much about Voldemort before most of the governmental heads did not."

"I can tell you that the wars I fought were far more devastating than this one, and that they were not fought in the same manner. I can tell you that I knew Voldemort from years of research and experience with his followers. I can't explain the government's knowledge or lack of." Harry said swiftly and ignored the woman when she attempted to ask a follow-up. "Yes, you."

"George Michaelson. Life and Time in London." The man shouted out, "Do you think that there is potential for something like this to happen again?"

Harry looked again toward the back of the room. "I would like to believe it won't. But it is up to us to decide. You see, Voldemort accomplished what he did, not because he was the most powerful wizard, because we have seen that he was not. Not because his numbers were so great that it was impossible to overcome, because it was shown that it was not. But because, you, me, all of us, we stood by while he gathered his Death Eaters, and began killing people."

No one spoke and Harry shook his head before continuing, "In the Muggle world, they had a great war, led by a man who was able to gather a great many followers, and he captured and killed thousands upon thousands of innocent people. And there is a quote, which explains why this main, who was at the beginning, nothing more than a failed painter, nothing more than average, was able to gain such a following and commit such evils, and hold such power. And most of you wouldn't understand the context of it, but let me put it in perspective for you. For us, the quote would say: "First they came for the muggles, and I was not a muggle so I did not speak out. Then they came for the muggle-borns, but I was not a muggle-born so I did not speak out. Then they came for the squibs, and half-breeds, but I was not one of them so I did not speak out. And when they came for me, there was no one left to speak out for me." We cannot be bystanders to atrocity, we cannot be witnesses without voices to the wrongs of this world."

*

The press conference went on, he spoke about the time he spent searching for Voldemort, he spoke about the 'last night' and the weeks of recovery that followed, he glossed over questions about his past, and answered what he could about the upcoming Inquiries by the Ministry. And all of the questions that had been asked, were planned for and expected. Up until the very last one.

"This will be the last question, you there." He pointed to a young woman with horned rimmed glasses, she looked familiar somehow.

"Rita Skeeter. Witches Weekly." She said and her voice made Harry flinch, twenty years younger his worst nightmare. "I wanted to ask you, there are some rumors that you are single is this true? The ladies would like to know." She gave a disgusting and suggestive wink at the end that made Harry cringe.

Harry glanced back to where Sirius stood, Sirius looked at him but Harry couldn't read the expression before the other man turned away. He looked to Remus who shrugged.

"No. I'm sorry, I'm not single." Harry said and took a step back from the podium but the screeching voice boomed out anyway.

"So who is it then?" She asked and Harry once again looked to the back of the room but Sirius was gone.

"I'm sorry, but I'm not going to say anymore on the subject." Harry said. "Thank you all. Good Evening."

Harry left the stage with his heart thundering in his ears and a strange bitterness welling up in his mind.

He made his way into the quiet room and closed the door. He leaned against the wall and slid down until he was able to rest his elbows on his knees, he cradled his head in his hands as the painful scene replayed in his mind over and over.

"_Sometimes, it's impossible to care about you." Sirius said and his voice was dry and harsh, "You fight without saying a single word, you don't seem to care what I do, or how close I get to walking away. You don't want to commit to this, you don't want to put anything of yourself into it. I'm beginning to think you're only humoring me."_

_Harry had said nothing. He had opened the door and walked out. The next day Sirius said nothing about it and Harry didn't either. They ate breakfast together, kissed each other, went about their day, the slept in the same bed that night but there was a foot of physical space between them and it felt like miles. And after a few minutes of silence, Sirius' had spoken out in the dark, his back to Harry._

"_I don't know how to stop loving you. But right now, there is nothing more I want in the world than to hate you." It was a whisper and something in Harry broke. _

_He wanted to turn to the man and hold him, apologize, make promises, anything, something. But he didn't. He lay in silence and listened to Sirius' unsteady breathing all night._

_*_

A soft hand on his shoulder pulled him from his thoughts and he met Lily's beautiful green eyes.

"Hey Lil." He said weakly.

"Hey, yourself." She said. "How are you?"

"I'm okay." He said standing up and pulling her with him. "I'm alive."

"That you are." She said with a hint of a smile. "Now, there's a boy out there who is just about ready to explode if he doesn't see you. So come on."

Harry let Lily pull him out of the room and the minute he stepped through the door he was hit by Alex and pulled into a firm hug. Harry held on and smiled into Alex's curls.

"Hey, little brother, you're smashing the air out of me." Harry said and after a moment Alex let go.

**I always knew you were coming back. Because you promised. **And that was all Alex signed to him, no accusations, no dramatic anger or sadness. And Harry welcomed it.

They went for lunch, there were reporters trailing them but it only took Harry's polite request that they stay back from them, to keep them at a distance. At lunch Alex's spoke non-stop about what was going on at school and everything he hadn't mentioned in his letters, he tried to ask Harry questions about his time away but Harry kept his responses quick and without substance. When they finished Remus took Alex back to Hogwarts and Lily, James and Jamie went home. Harry walked the distance from the small pub to Mercer Street.

When he entered the house he heard Sirius singing in the kitchen and made his way to stand in the doorway. Sirius sat on the counter like usual strumming his guitar. His eyes were closed and his voice was deep and sad.

Harry couldn't comprehend the words beyond the melancholy tune and the outright pain in his voice. There was something shocking in seeing him this way, and watching it was like a train wreck he couldn't yell out in warning of, and he couldn't make stop. He stood as he watched the man he loved unravel his pain with a haunting beauty and a terrifying finality and Harry for once was able to break this seeming insurmountable silence that had washed up between him and Sirius since he'd come back. He moved quietly and slowly towards the place where Sirius sat and Sirius did not once look up at him. He kept playing in his tortured oblivion and every sound, and every word sent another searing pain into Harry's heart. As he reached him, the placed a hand on Sirius' strumming fingers. And he felt the hot tears welling up behind his eyes, but he pushed them back and when he looked up into Sirius' face, he nearly lost all control.

Sirius's features were stone, set and clear and unreadable but his eyes were a storm of dark thoughts and a wave of self-loathing rose up in Harry like a tidal wave.

"Stop." Harry whispered, and it was barely a sound.

Sirius looked at him but there was no response or recognition apparent in his clouded eyes or his stoic expression.

"Please. Don't." Harry whispered again.

Sirius didn't move and he didn't speak.

"I know you told me I had to learn how to live. And I've been trying." Harry said. "I'm sorry. I'm trying."

Sirius looked away and shook Harry's hand off before getting down from the counter, setting the guitar on the top. He spoke with his back still turned and his words carefully chosen.

"We are so bad for each other, I don't know how we even got here." He said, "But I do know, that we are here, and I'm so far into it that I'm not sure I could ever find a way out."

"Do you want to?" Harry asked.

"Sometimes."

Harry nodded more to himself than to Sirius, who still wasn't looking at him. He turned to walk away but before he took more than a step, Sirius exploded and slammed his fists on the countertop.

"Damn you! You're always walking away." Sirius said his voice white hot with anger, "For once, just for once, I wish you'd stay and fight. You fight for everything else, you fought for custody of Alex, and you fought the Order and the ministry, and fucking Voldemort. You've fought for everything and everyone in the whole bloody world, and yet you can't fight for me."

"This is a battleground I'm not familiar with." Harry said his voice a little stronger, but his heart constricted.

"You need to get familiar with it Harry, real quick. Because we're losing." Sirius said and finally turned to face him. "I'm not strong enough to keep doing this. And I don't want to spend the rest of my life fighting for someone who isn't willing to do the same."

There was a heavy and brooding silence that followed.

"You scream in your sleep." Sirius said his voice softer, "And you call out my name. Your voice is so desperate, as if you don't expect to find me. But that is all I have. That's all I have to hold on to."

"Are you leaving then?" Harry asked his voice dull and unfamiliar to him.

Sirius walked over to him and met his eyes. He grabbed handfuls of Harry's shirt and pulled him close, kissing him roughly. He leaned in and whispered in Harry's ear.

"No. You want me gone. Say the words. Tell me to go." Sirius said and there was something hard and distant to his tone, "I'll go and I won't look back. But it will be because you asked for it. That decision will be yours, and so will the consequences."

Harry didn't move or say anything as Sirius pushed by him. He didn't turn when Sirius spoke again from the doorway.

"I have as many scars from this war as you do, it's just that not all of them are on the outside." Sirius stated quietly before the sound of his footsteps led out of the room and up the stairs.

*

It wasn't until a week later that Harry had found himself at Hogwarts. He had come through Dumbledore's office and chatted with the headmaster briefly before making his way out onto the grounds and down to the lake.

He stood in the same spot that had so many twisted memories attached to it. This was where he had seen himself cast a patronous for the first time, and saved his and Sirius' life, this was where he and Ron had gotten drunk when Hermione had died. This was just a few feet from where Dumbledore's body had been entombed in a future that no longer existed. This is where Firenze had approached him and asked for him to give saving the world another go, this is where he had made a choice to change the course of his life, and everyone else's. This is the place where he and Remus had come the day they skipped class, and the place where James and Sirius had arrested him.

He looked around him, there was nothing remarkable about this place. At Hogwarts, everything was grand, the castle, and the magic, the ceiling of the great hall, the talking portraits and the ghosts. He remembered back to the first time he had seen it all and remembered how it had all seemed so extraordinary but this place, in comparison was simply a spot of grass near a dark lake. Yes, the lake was home to mermaids and the giant squid and so many other magical things, but none of those things were extraordinary to him anymore. There was no spark to this world, this child's fantasy.

"Time only travels in circles for those who understand that what is and what could be are either synonymous are or contradictory." A deep and musical voice came from behind him, and Harry did not need to turn to know who it belonged to. "You could spend the rest of your life sorting out what the past was, and what the future will not be."

Harry turned and looked at Firenze, he looked no different than he had when Harry had last seen him some twenty years in the future.

"Do you think, Firenze, that knowing the future denies you the ability to live in the present?" Harry asked and a compassionate look overtook the centaur's sculpted features.

"Traveler, I don't know the future, I see what I have been shown but it is messages and it is cryptic, and I do believe I am shown so little with so little context, for that very reason." He responded. "Even the best Seers do not know the future in its entirety. "

"I feel like I should have died in this war, or in the war I came from." Harry said looking back over the lake. "I feel like I was never meant for life, as if I was only ever born to die fighting."

"We all have our place, but every path that is taken is plotted by something far greater than ourselves." Firenze's voice was still soft and almost soothing, "We do not, any of us, really choose the course of our lives, we are meant to arrive at a predetermined destination, it is only our choice how we get there. Perhaps death by war is your destination, but you have not yet arrived."

Harry ran a hand through his hair and took in a deep breath.

There was some shuffling and Firenze spoke again. "Cursed is he who knows the destination but not the path to get there."

Harry turned to respond and found that the centaur had fled back into the forest.

*

Harry was familiar with nightmares, he was familiar with the cold sweat and the hoarseness of his voice when he woke up. But this was something different, something he had never experienced before.

There was a dream, a nightmare, but he only recalled the most singular aspects of it. The way the blood he saw pooled on the grass in which seemed such a subdued, almost grayish color compared with the bright red, the faceless bodies that were twisted and broken and the unending flashes of light that came from every direction. And the screams, the unending screams of terror and pain.

He felt Sirius shaking him violently, he heard him screaming Harry's name and the door open as Remus came it but it was all distant. When he opened his eyes, the dream itself faded but in its place was something far more horrifying. Sirius was before him and Remus at his side. But behind them, were the older versions, the now non-existent future versions of these men. Remus with blood seeping from a wound on his neck and his right harm broken and bent at a disturbing angle, Sirius's form was pale almost translucent and had the deadened eyes Harry had glimpse before he faded into the veil.

And Harry could not stop screaming. Remus had come to him and grabbed him into a tight embrace whispering into his ear things that Harry couldn't comprehend as his eyes remained fastened on the ethereal images that stood just a few feet away.

They had called in Lily and they had given him a dreamless sleep potion which only trapped Harry in the vivid hallucination. It wasn't until Lily had given him a calming drought that Harry had silenced. When the potion had worn off, no one had asked him about the nightmare, and Harry hadn't said anything.

He had not slept since then. It had been five days.

*

Harry paced the floor in the living room at Mercer, he had poured himself a glass of firewhiskey but he was distracted and the glass sat untouched and sweating on the side table. The floo flashed and Remus stepped forward brushing soot off his jacket. He looked the part of the erratic professor, hair mussed and jacket with elbow patches, books and papers stacked haphazardly and clutched in his hands.

He looked at Harry and gave him a lopsided smile and then cocked his head to the side in question of Harry's disheveled state and pacing.

"Afternoon, Harry…" He said uncertainly, Harry nodded at him.

"I've invited Lily and Severus over and Sirius should be here soon." Harry said his voice tense and carrying a slight tremor.

Remus hadn't moved he looked at him for a moment before shaking his head and making his way to the stairs. "All right then, I'll just tuck this away and change and be back down."

Harry nodded absently and finally took a drink from the glass on the side table. He continued his pacing and within a few moments Sirius had come through the floo. He was startled to see Harry pacing, and did not hide it as well as Remus had. He brushed himself off with quick, tense movements and walked over to Harry, keeping an awkward distance between them.

"You okay?" Sirius asked, Harry turned to him and nodded.

"I invited Lily and Severus. Remus is upstairs." Harry said and took another drink. Sirius looked at him concern etching his features creating lines that Harry wanted to smooth out.

Sirius sighed deeply, "Okay...I'll just go change then."

Harry nodded and returned to his pacing. Sirius stopped at the foot of the stairs and turned back to Harry.

"You sure you're all right." Sirius asked and Harry looked at him.

"No." Harry said unexpectedly.

"Okay." Sirius said softly. "I'll be back down."

*

Lily had gone to the kitchen immediately after she had arrived. She had tried to coax Harry from his pacing by asking for help with dinner, but Harry had shaken his head and continued . Severus arrived with his robes billowing in a familiar way that made something relax in Harry. Harry had explained that Lily was in the kitchen cooking. Severus had looked at him and was about to ask a question when Sirius and Remus came down the stairs.

They all made their way into the kitchen. Severus first and Harry behind him, Remus and Sirius hung back and were whispering intensely.

Harry set the table for dinner and they ate, Harry said nothing. Remus and Lily and even Severus chatted about Remus' successes and challenges as he worked on the cure. Sirius talked about the Ministry overhaul on Auror training and how the new recruits were all in it for the glory. They kept glancing at Harry but he kept his head down.

When the meal finished, Harry stood and asked everyone to come into the living room.

They all sat around the living room and Harry stood with his back to the fireplace. They looked at him expectantly and Harry took a deep breath before beginning.

"I..I owe all of you some explanations." Harry said his voice not as confident as he would have liked, "I haven't invited James, because I'm not sure how he will take it. But Lily, you should feel welcome to tell him if you wish."

Lily's brow furrowed but she nodded.

Harry continued, "Before I start, you should also know that I plan to leave the wizarding world, at least for a little while. I will go into the muggle world, maybe to America. "

There was a sudden silence and then Remus spoke.

"What about Alex?"

"I will ask him if he wants to come, if not, I will allow him to remain at Hogwarts and he can come to me over break. Muggleborn students do it all the time." Harry said and Remus nodded.

"And what about me?" Sirius said his voice low and dangerously close to anger.

"I had planned to ask you to come, as well." Harry said not meeting the other man's eyes.

Silence fell again and Sirius studied his hands.

"So. I'm going to ask that you all let me talk, and that you wait until I'm finished to ask any questions." Harry said and they all nodded. Harry caught Severus' eye and the man nodded.

"On July 31st, 1980, I was born. My mother named me, Harry James Potter."

*

Harry spoke for hours, he started at the beginning from his very first memories in the closet under the stairs and live Privet drive, to the strange things that begun to happen around him. He talked about the letters from Hogwarts and the first time he met Hagrid, and his introduction to the wizarding world. He spoke of his awe and joy when he first saw Hogwarts, his first impressions of Professor Snape, which earned a huff from the man himself. He talked about his friends, and Professor Quirrel. He talked about the troubles of the defense job, Quidditch, and Dumbledore's strange presence. He explained his loneliness, and desperate longing for his parents. He talked about Remus, and his lessons, with some laughter in his voice. He met Sirius' eyes when he spoke about how he had learned of Sirius and his imprisonment, he talked about the events that followed. He talked about the Tri-Wizard tournament and Cedric's death, and what the newspapers had written.

He went on to explain about Voldemort's second rising and the Order and the battle at the Ministry and there were tears in his eyes as he spoke of the veil. He didn't mention Tonks to Remus in hopes he could avoid changing that happiness any further than he already had. He talked about the change in Hogwarts and Dumbledore's removal and then his return and ultimately his death at the hands of his trusted spy. He explained the search for the horcruxes and the battle that they expected to win but had instead lost greatly. He spoke about the death he had seen, and the friends he had lost. He talked about Voldemort's disappearance and the hopelessness that had followed, and then he talked about Firenze and his request and offer.

When he finished Lily was in tears and Sirius sat tensely in his seat. Remus had stood up and rested now with his back against the wall and his eyes closed.

Severus sat in the same place his eyes on his hands and his face unreadable. Harry looked at them all, his throat sore from the long hours of speaking.

"I am sorry, for keeping it all from you. I…thought it was best." Harry said trying to catch Sirius' eyes without success. "I know that this may change the way you see me, or perhaps how you feel. I'll understand if you need space from me, or if you don't want to be involved with me anymore. You all deserved to know, and so I've told you."

Still no one spoke, but Remus looked at him with a deep sadness in his eyes and Lily muffled her sobs with her hands.

"Why did you do it?" Severus said breaking the silence. "Why did you agree to come back?"

"I had nothing to lose, everyone I had loved had died. I had no future then." Harry responded.

"And what happens now? Do you go back?" Remus spoke out in his gentle way.

Harry shook his head, "No. There is nothing to go back to anymore. I was never born, I do not exist anymore in the time I came from."

Lily's head snapped up and she calmed herself enough to speak. "But…Jamie?"

"Jamie isn't me. He doesn't even look like I did before, he won't lead the life I did." Harry said, "He would even be a full year older than I would have been."

Silence fell again.

"So, what now? What will you do?" Lily asked after a moment.

"I will live my life, and then I will die." Harry said. "I had no future then, and now I have no past. From the second that I arrived here, I was no longer Harry Potter."

After awhile Severus excused himself stepping up to Harry and putting his hand on Harry's shoulder.

"Thank you." He whispered before passing by him and stepping into the floo.

Lily was the next to leave, after she had calmed herself down. She pulled Harry into a tight embrace.

"I love you, Harry. And none of this changes the reasons why. You come say good bye to us before you leave." She said tears still shining in her eyes.

Harry nodded.

After Lily left, Harry, Remus and Sirius remained in the living room.

"Harry…" Remus started looking from him to Sirius.

"It's okay Remus, you can go." Harry said softly. "We'll talk later."

Remus nodded and made his way out of the room.

Sirius and Harry remained in an excruciating silence.

"Did you love me?" Sirius said his eyes still on the floor, "Did you love me in your time?"

"As much as I could have." Harry said. "I didn't get a chance to know you. And not like this, not how I love you now. I didn't know myself then. I never had the chance to find myself."

Sirius said nothing.

"I'm leaving at the end of this week." Harry said. "I understand if you don't ."

"Do you?" Sirius said with a sharp sarcasm. "Bloody hell."

Sirius ran his hands through his hair. "My godson."

"I'm not." Harry said.

Sirius looked at him.

"I'm not your godson. My godfather died, years ago." Harry said. "You are not that man, Sirius, and you never will be. Jamie is your godson."

"And who are you?" Sirius asked.

"I don't know yet." Harry said. "But now I can finally find out."

"And what am I supposed to do?" Sirius said, "How am I supposed to love you now?"

Harry closed his eyes to the pain in his chest when Sirius said that, "The same way you did before."

"And if I can't?" Sirius asked with a distant desperation to his tone.

"Then, I say good-bye. And life goes on."

_____________________________________________________________________________________

AN: All right, well you all asked for it. There is the next chapter. I toyed around with doing a Sequel but..eh..I think I'll just keep along with the same story. The title fits nicely still I think.

So. Here's the deal guys. I am holding the story hostage. And by that I mean, I'm only going to keep going if you guys want to read it. So review please, if it gets to the point where there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of interest I'll wrap it up and we'll all move on.

I love you all fantastically. Thanks and Thanks. And tell me what you think.

PS- I had to re-upload this because I forgot to spell check. So sorry.


	36. Coming Home

_Three years later…_

Harry loved New York, it was both glamorous and dirty, and at its core it was a teenager of a city, still rebelling still changing and learning. Coming to New York had been like coming home, from the minute he set foot on the subway and no one recognized him. He had purchased a grungy flat, or apartment as the Americans called them, in Greenwich Village and had fixed it up himself. It was a wide open space with large windows that he had left uncovered. The only fully separated room was the bathroom, the bedroom only shut off by large metal panels that he had purchased from an Iron shop in Jersey. He liked the open space, and he liked that it was his.

Harry spent his first year blending into the crowds, reveling in the simplicity of being one of many. The city suited him, with its non-stop activity and loud, abrasive attitude. There were things he could not escape, twice he had been recognized by wizards and they had been strange encounters. He could not escape Lily, who had installed a telephone in her and James' home so that she could pester him constantly. And because he could not escape Lily, he also could not escape James or Remus.

He could not escape the solitude, and loneliness that crept in on him sometimes with a force that had him gasping for air. And he could not escape the fact that when he sat on the fire escape stairs outside of his apartment and watched the city street at night, it reminded him of Sirius.

Alex had chosen to remain at Hogwarts, and split his breaks between New York and London. He was doing well in school and wrote regularly, although it took longer for Harry to receive and return them. He was just starting his sixth year at Hogwarts and had already decided to go into wizarding law. His grades were excellent and he seemed happy when he visited.

Jamie was growing up, walking and talking and Harry was told that he had Lily's temperament and James' penchant for mischief. Remus was still searching for his cure, but the Ministry had not dropped his funding and he received accolades from the top researchers in his field on the work he had accomplished. Harry heard things, not everything but enough to remind him where he came from and what he had given up. Every once in a while, Lily or James, or Remus would mention Sirius, though Alex never said a word. They tried to keep upbeat and easygoing about it, but Harry could hear the strain in their voices when they talked about him. It was never anything specific, only broad strokes of the larger picture. But Harry understood what they didn't say, bar fights, and firewhiskey, probation from work, and sex. That was Sirius' life now, and Harry struggled not to feel guilty about it, he worked hard to convince himself that Sirius had made his choice, sometimes he succeeded.

Harry hadn't done anything but wander that second year, he had fixed up his apartment and he had been a tourist in his new city. He made friends with the guy who worked at the coffee shop on the corner and went to plays, and films, and gone to clubs and picked up men. After awhile, he needed something to focus on, some direction. He had enrolled in a few classes that were offered to beginners for painting, and drawing, and had begun taking literature classes. He bought a computer and taught himself how to use it, for three weeks he wrote down his life story, and then he printed the pages and deleted it off the disk before placing the manuscript in a box and burying it in the back of his closet. He bounced from one hobby to the next and found nothing he enjoyed until one day, he passed a pawn shop.

The first time he held the guitar, he did it because it reminded him of Sirius. When he decided to learn, he knew it was because it felt like it connected them in some ambiguous way. He had cheated and wrote off to Severus for memory enhancing potions which had allowed him to gain the basics of the instrument in a tenth of the time it would have any muggle.

He thought that like everything else, when he had learned what he could, when he could say that he played the guitar, that he would move on to something else. But he didn't, he couldn't. It became so effortless to him, and he didn't stumble the way he recalled Sirius doing, but mostly it was that the music was something of his that defined him to the outside world. And it defined him on his terms.

He played on the streets, and people stood around listening. His friend from the coffee shop, Turner, set him up to play a couple days during the week at the shop and gave him free coffee in return. A few people had offered to 'manage his talent' as they had put it, and Harry had declined. He was not looking for a career. He was only looking for himself.

After a year of playing covers, he wrote his first song. It took him two months before he would play it anywhere but the fire escape after two in the morning. Since then, he had written several and at Turner's request had bought the computer software and made a CD. He didn't sell it. He made copies and put them out on a table at the coffee shop for anyone to take if they'd like. He didn't need the money. But someone else, he thought, might need the music.

*

Harry walked down the block toward the coffee shop, he was a running a little late because he had been up all night talking to Alex on the phone. He was staying over with Lily and James for the weekend. He didn't say why he wasn't with Remus, but his tone was tense and Harry knew there was something the boy wasn't telling him. He had tried to ask Lily about it but she had dodged his inquiries and told him he wouldn't believe how big Jamie had gotten and how James had gotten a promotion to Senior Auror.

He made his way to the coffee shop shouting hellos to the regulars and kissing the cheek of Annette, his most devoted fan. She was a college student studying at Parson's School of Design. She was off the wall with energy, the only time Harry ever saw her sit still was when he was playing. She pulled him down before he could make his way to the stage and whispered in his ear.

"Play my favorite today, I really need it." She said with an ominous voice, and Harry laughed at her but gave her a wink.

Turner came up to him and slapped him roughly on the shoulder. He was an art student also, but studying sculpting at some private school Harry could never remember the name of. He was the stereotypical artist on appearance, with his long blond hair always pulled back into a lazy ponytail and his sculptor's hands, but he had a sharp and rough personality, when he spoke people listened and few ever dared cross him.

"Harry, look, I was thinking about something. And I know you say you like to play the shop, but there's this little bar a friend of mine owns a few blocks over and she was in here yesterday just begging me to convince you." Turner said with a stubbornness that to anyone but Harry would have come off as a command.

"Look, Tee, I don't know about that…" Harry said as he set up his equipment and laid out the CDs.

"Come on man, It'll be a good time. All the free booze you'd like." He said backing toward the counter. Harry rolled his eyes.

"We'll see." He responded stepping up onto the small platform. Turner gave him a wink and a wide smile.

"That's my man."

The coffee shop was always busy around now, it was just after ten on a Saturday and it was too late for breakfast but too early for lunch, so there were the late risers, and the general caffeine hungry New Yorkers.

Harry tapped the microphone and glanced around raising his hand in a wave to a few people in the background, he looked to his left and saw Annette with her spiky red hair bouncing up and down as she nodded violently at him. He sighed and shook his head.

"All right, well I'm Harry Pierson, and this one here's by request. It's called Let Me Go. Here we go."

He took a breath and smiled over at Annette. He closed his eyes and felt the song rise up in him.

_One more kiss could be the best thing  
But one more lie could be the worst  
And all these thoughts are never resting  
And you're not something I deserve  
_

Sirius still haunted Harry, every night and every day, every moment. From across an ocean and worlds apart, Sirius haunted him. Harry had been writing this song for years in his heart, and every time he sang it he was once again lost to the man.

_  
In my head there's only you now  
This world falls on me  
In this world there's real and make believe  
And this seems real to me_

Harry thought that it would get easier, the longer he was away. He thought that time and distance would erode the memories and the intensity of the emotions would fade. And there were lulls in the tide, and there were moments when he felt like he was free of it. But always, there was something, there was the empty city street, there was the sound of a motorcycle, there was a guitar in a window that he had to pick up, and there was Annette and this had to be her favorite song.

_  
You love me but you don't know who I am  
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand  
And you love me but you don't know who I am  
So let me go  
Let me go  
_

He could recall every feature of Sirius' face, and the way he smelled, he could remember the clothing that he had kept in the wardrobe and the sound of his voice. He could remember everything, everything but his eyes. The only memory he had of his eyes the way they looked the last time Harry had seen him, cold and unforgiving, pain an undercurrent to the anger and frustration.

_  
I dream ahead to what I hope for  
And I turn my back on loving you  
How can this love be a good thing  
When I know what I'm goin' through  
_

Nobody asked Harry to come back, and he never offered. He didn't want to, he didn't need to, and yet there was a dark guilt inside of him because he didn't.

_  
In my head there's only you now  
This world falls on me  
In this world there's real and make believe  
And this seems real to me_

You love me but you don't know who I am  
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand  
You love me but you don't know who I am  
So let me go  
Just let me go  
Let me go  


Harry played and sang the song without having to think about it, his mind wandered back three years to the front steps of Mercer. Sirius had been wearing jeans and his motorcycle boots, it was a warm day and he wore a dark t-shirt, black maybe blue, with a logo for some muggle band on it. Harry had asked him again to come with him, "Please," he had said. "Come with me."

_  
And no matter how hard I try  
I can't escape these things inside I know  
I know  
When all the pieces fall apart  
You will be the only one who knows  
Who knows  
_

And Sirius had told him again, to stay. To stay and fight and not to run away. And Harry shook his head and picked up his bag, he looked back at Sirius and saw that look in his eyes. He had wanted to kiss him, to touch him, to say good-bye the way lovers should.

_  
You love me but you don't know who I am  
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand  
And you love me but you don't know who I am  
So let me go  
Just let me go  
_

But Sirius had stopped him with words that tore at Harry's soul, even now, so much later.

"I don't think I ever really knew you."

And Harry had disapparated.

_  
And you love me but you don't  
You love me but you don't  
You love me but you don't know who I am  
And you love me but you don't  
You love me but you don't  
You love me but you don't know me_

The song ended and there was applause and Annette's obnoxious cheering. Harry went straight into the next song not trusting himself to make the introduction. He played for forty-five minutes and then thanked the crowd and began to pack his things.

He said a quick good-bye to Annett e and left the CDs on the table, he headed for the door with Turner calling after him to be at the bar, Vivian's, at ten next Friday night.

Harry hit the sidewalk his pace as fast as he could manage with his limp. He made it to his apartment, his breathing heavy and his mind swimming. He wouldn't play the song again, not for Annette, not for anyone. He found solace in his apartment with its wide emptiness and cool dark colors.

He dropped his gear next to the kitchen island and sat down on the sofa. The only thought in his head was how much he wished he had never met Sirius Black.

*

The phone was ringing when Harry got out of the shower. He wrapped a towel around his waist and caught it just before it clicked over.

"Yea?" He answered, whenever Lily called she commented that New York had stolen his manners and Remus agreed.

"Harry." It was Remus, and his voice was tense but stern, the way someone speaks when they're about to tell you something they know you don't want to hear.

"Remus…" Harry started but didn't want to ask. He leaned against the kitchen island and closed his eyes, trying not to imagine the worst.

"Harry, Lily and James, and even Alex told me not to call you." Remus said, and Harry imagined that the three others were standing there and had demanded that Remus preface the conversation with that statement.

"What is it?" Harry replied careful to keep all emotion from his tone.

"It's Sirius." Harry's heart thundered and his mind flew to every possible reason why Remus would say his name that way, that desperate, painful way. "Sirius…he's missing."

Harry didn't know how to respond, his body and mind seemed frozen in place. He knew instinctively that this was no small concern, Remus wouldn't have called him if it were.

"He hasn't been home for nearly two weeks." He said carefully. "No one knows where he is, or even where he could be."

"Did you…" Harry breathed out but was interrupted by Remus.

"Dumbledore tried. Everybody has tried." Remus said. "We tried the Muggle Police, the aurors looked for a good week. There's nothing."

"What can I do?" Harry asked. "Should I come back?"

There was a long silence. "No, Harry. We think he's coming to you."

_*_

Remus had gone on to explain to him the full story on what had happened to Sirius after he had left, how he had spiraled out of control. How he was never sober, how he had burned his guitar and lashed out at James causing a violent physical fight between the longtime friends. How he had beat a thief he and James had apprehended into a coma and been put on probation from the Aurors. How he had screamed at Alex until the boy was in tears to get Harry's address.

_A bomb waiting to explode._ Remus had said.

And Sirius was probably already in New York.

*

For a week Harry was on edge. He looked over his shoulder and scanned the crowd for the familiar face. Every time he saw man in a leather jacket and long wavy dark hair his heart jumped. He looked for him without meaning to. He could hardly concentrate when he was performing, he ate little, and for the first time since he had come to New York, he couldn't sleep.

He spent his nights on the fire escape smoking and writing songs he didn't want to be singing. He worked hard at convincing himself that if Sirius was in New York he would already have shown up at his door. After a week, Harry had convinced himself Sirius was anywhere but here, and things slowed back down. His mind eased up, and he was getting a few hours of sleep a night.

He walked the three blocks to Vivian's bar, his guitar case slung over his shoulder and his amplifier in his right hand. He made his way to the bar and was directed to the stage to set up. He wasn't nervous, performing never made him nervous. He waved at Turner who sat up at the bar talking with a gorgeous blonde woman and chatted with Annette who sat close to the stage with several of her high fashion friends. The four of them looked so out of place in the dirty bar. Harry went to the bathroom before his set and caught a glance of himself in the mirror.

He was changed. His hair was longer, which made it less wild. It fell in easy waves just below his ears. The shaggy bangs covered the scar on his forehead and the light stubble across his chin hid the one along his jaw. His face was clearer though, more open. His eyes weren't perpetually haunted as they once had been, there was a time when he was terrified by the look in his own eyes.

The bar had gotten crowded by the time he returned, he pushed through the bodies to the front of the room and stepped onto the stage.

"Hello, everyone. I'm Harry Pierson. I've got a few songs I'm going to sing, and a few of my regulars are out tonight so I'm sure they'll yell out some others." Harry said and he felt everything drift away as the crowd cheered him on rowdily. "This first one is a new one. And it's still a little rough, so consider yourselves my guinea pigs."

Harry picked up his guitar and settled himself on the stool in front of the microphone. He looked out into the crowd and found his eyes pulled to the back of the room. The bar was loud, in a happy obnoxious kind of way, but there was a kinetic energy so strong that even Harry separated as he was, felt it's tug. But there, in the back of the room, sitting at the bar was a man who was completely unaffected b y the atmosphere. He wasn't looking at Harry, he wasn't looking at anyone. His light brown hair was long, down to his shoulders and held back from his face by a yellow and black bandanna. His features were neither sharp or soft, but some sort of middle ground. He stared down into his glass as if the answers to all the world's problems could be found there.

Harry played his set, and the crowd seemed to like him well enough. But the man at the bar never looked up from his glass, as if he couldn't hear the music, as if his thoughts were all encompassing. Harry ordered a beer and spoke briefly to Turner and Annette and agreed to play once a week at Vivian's request on the terms that his drinks were free and she wouldn't pay him. Annette and Turner got up to dance to some song the DJ began to play and Harry stared down to the end of the bar.

"His name is Daniel." Harry looked up to find Vivian popping the caps off of a line of beers. She was a beauty of a woman. Long blonde hair, perfect angelic features, and legs that most men would drool over. But when Harry looked at her, what he saw most was the dark tint to her eyes. A kind of shadow that spoke of years of pain and loss and something far more tragic than the human soul was meant to face. "He's been here every night for the last two weeks. He seems haunted."

Harry looked at her and understood the tone of her last words. He glanced back down to where the man sat, another bartender refilling his drink.

"He's got the invisible thing down to an art. Most people don't even know he's there." Vivian's smooth melodious voice rang out louder to Harry than to those around him. "Not to you though. Why is that?"

Harry shook his head slowly. "Aren't bartenders supposed to have all the answers?"

Vivian laughed and threw her head back. "Sure, sure. But only the morose ones. Keeps 'em drinking."

Harry turned his eyes back to Daniel as she turned to speak to another customer. She came back and stole a drag from his cigarette, and followed his gaze.

"It's his hands." Harry said. And watched as the man threw back the last of his drink, one hand resting on the bar, fingers tapping the calloused wood.

"Hm. Right, well." Vivian said with another laugh.

"What's he drinking?" Harry asked and she raised an eyebrow.

"Whiskey." She said. "Says it's the closest he can get to what he had back home."

She turned to walk away and Harry stared after her for a moment, incredulous realization making its way through his thoughts. He wanted to laugh at the absurdity. A minute later she returned sliding a glass across the bar with a wink and a nod. Harry picked up the glass and made his way down the bar.

He came around the end of the bar. The man twirled the empty glass with one hand.

Harry set the drink down and slid it in front of him while taking a seat on a barstool.

"Close is right, but it isn't firewhiskey by a long shot, despite the similarities in name." Harry said not looking at the man.

He felt the air around them change as the man turned to face him. Harry didn't turn, and the familiar silence surrounded them like an invisible cloud.

"What are you doing here, Sirius?"

*

AN: Thanks you all for the great reviews. Trust me that it's not the glory I'm after, I just want to know that people are still reading. What do you think? Change of scenery good bad or ugly?


	37. Memory of a Memory

"_What are you doing here, Sirius?"_

Harry didn't need to look at Sirius, and honestly, it wouldn't have mattered if he did. Sirius was wearing a façade tonight. His face was not his face, anymore than New York was his home. It was all very well done, and anyone who didn't know Sirius so well, would never have known. But Harry knew. He knew the lines of his body, the small nervous movements of his hands, and the air of confidence that nothing could ever cover up.

After several moments of silence Harry looked at him. Sirius was staring at him under the cover of cloudy green eyes, he was drunk. There was no denying that, there was glassiness to his eyes and a haze that seemed to take over the space between them, as Sirius' inebriated mind tried to put together a coherent response.

Minutes passed by and Sirius finished his drink in one gulp, his fingers picking at the wood on the bar. Harry took the last drink of his beer, and stood up shaking his head. He turned to leave but was stopped by the rough and desperate grasp on his wrist. Harry turned and looked at Sirius who was still fighting some wild battle in his mind.

"Come on then." He said.

After Harry picked up his things he moved to the door and out onto the street. The sidewalks were less crowded but far from empty. Sirius walked half a step behind Harry. Harry's mind was spinning as he walked and he tried to find solace in the sounds of the city, in the feel of his home, but all his senses let him recognize was Sirius. The sound of Sirius' unsteady footsteps, the way his shadow stretched out in front of both of them when they passed a street light, the smell of booze and something so innately Sirius that it put Harry on edge.

They made their way up the stairs to Harry's loft and when he slid back the metal door he turned to find Sirius still staring at him.

"I'm going in, you can come or not." He said and it felt empty and cold to his own ears.

Sirius took slow steps into the apartment and turned his head this way and that taking it all in. Harry set his guitar and amplifier down. As he pulled the door shut, he felt his heart speed up and rested his head against the door, closing his eyes.

Three years, _three years_. Three years of finally learning to live his life, to do the things he wanted when he wanted. Finally not having to fight for breath every moment, of learning how accept his losses and to love those he lost without the pain of missing them taking over his mind. Of learning how to walk down a street without waiting for something to jump out at him.

Three years, and now Sirius was here. Harry walked to the kitchen and opened up a drawer after a moment of sifting through take-out menus, ink pens, and batteries, he pulled out a thin leather case. He removed his wand and pointed at Sirius.

"_Finite incantum"_ Harry said and tried not to feel elated at the feel of his magic coursing through him as it shot out to Sirius. The brown hair faded away into the familiar black, and its natural waves returned. The pointed features smoothed out once again and the green eyes faded back to their piercing grey. Once again, Sirius stood staring at Harry and the intensity of the look in his eyes even behind the haze of alcohol startled him. Harry waved the wand again muttering a sobering charm and watched as Sirius' in eyes cleared.

"I'll ask you again, Sirius, what are you doing here?" Harry's voice wavered a bit and the weakness of the sound caused a roar of anger to well up inside of him, but he stared at Sirius from his place behind the counter as Sirius looked suddenly uncomfortable standing in the open space of his living room.

Sirius let his eyes stray again from the paintings on the walls to the unusual metal framed furniture and finally back to Harry.

His mouth fell open as if he was going to speak, but before any words came out the shrill sound of the telephone startled them both. Harry moved to where it rested on the side table and answered.

"Yeah?" He said and heard an irritated sigh from the other end.

"Harry. I was just calling to check…" Remus' voice trailed off as if he was suddenly ashamed of asking the question.

"Yes, he's here." Harry said keeping his eyes on Sirius, who was suddenly looking at anything but Harry.

"Oh thank Merlin." Remus said and there was whispering from the other end and then Remus' voice came back over the line.

"When?" He asked.

"He showed up tonight at a bar I was playing at. " Harry said. "He was drunk."

"Yes, well. That's his normal state anymore. What are you going to do? Do you want us to come get him?" Remus' voice was quiet and concerned.

"No. I'll bring him back." Harry said and Sirius' eyes locked on his, something akin to panic swirling in them.

"You're coming too?" Remus said with an edge of uncontained happiness to the words.

"Yes. I have some things I need to arrange here first." Harry said.

"Okay. Call us and let us know. " Remus said and Harry sighed.

"All right. I'll see you soon." Harry didn't wait for a reply before he hung up the phone. He stared at it for a moment before turning to Sirius.

"If you don't want me here, I can leave. I don't need a chauffeur back to London." Sirius' voice was rough, and full of angry sarcasm.

Within seconds Harry's anger and frustration had boiled over and came spilling out. He took to steps toward the man and lashed out with violent words.

"You don't get to be angry at me Sirius." Harry said feeling as though the words were burning his tongue as he spoke them. "You don't get to come here after three years and be angry _with me._ You show up here drunk, after having nearly destroyed everything in your life, and what? You expect me to invite you to stay? You don't want to be here Sirius, if you wanted to be here you would have come three years ago when I asked. You're hitting ground zero, and I've always been the one who put the pieces back together for you. This isn't about me, you aren't here _for me_, it's about you. Like everything else always was. So I'm taking you home."

Sirius had gone rigid during Harry's speech and there was a fury of a storm brewing in his grey eyes. This was familiar to Harry, the passion so strong it could knock the wind out of him. They were always so passionate, be it in anger or love or anything else. There were sparks between them, even after all these years and they ignited so quickly that neither of them seemed able to keep control.

"You left! You save the world…you fight for everything in this world and the next but you ran away." Sirius bit out. "And after I crawl out of the hole you put me in…I find you here…in this damned muggle flat, with all your pretty muggle things, as if…as if none of it mattered."

Harry closed his eyes and listened to the city sounds, he focused on the sirens and the shouts of a group of drunken men as they made their way past the building. He found his calm once again, and then he looked a Sirius.

"Sirius. I asked you to come. You refused." Harry said and he heard the exhaustion in the tone. "I don't understand why you're here."

Sirius ran his hands through his hair, and Harry's heart stuttered at the sight.

"Because I love you." Sirius said. "Because all the booze, and fighting, and sex…it never even put a dent in it. I was stupid, I was wrong. But so were you. I don't know how to do this without you. I don't want to."

Harry stared at him but with a sudden shake of his head turned around. He wouldn't do this. It was too much.

"You love me too." Sirius said his voice barely a whisper. "You wouldn't have been able to recognize me in that bar if you didn't."

"We are toxic, Sirius." Harry said turning, "You and I…we're the ingredients for the perfect poison."

Sirius had fallen asleep on the sofa after they had drifted into a painful and unending silence. It seemed Sirius could not find the words to respond to Harry's cold statement.

Harry sat out on the fire escape, his guitar across his lap and a cigarette smoldering in his left hand. He took one final drag and tossed it down to the street below. He started strumming in an effort to clear his head, and then, as usual the words followed the melody as if his mind had already known them.

_I'm staring out into the night__,  
trying to hide the pain.  
I'm going to the place where love  
and feeling good don't ever cost a thing.  
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain._

Harry had ached for England, for the wizarding world from the moment he had left it. He had to go, back then, he knew that he wouldn't have ever been able to cope if he hadn't. But when he left it hurt, England was his home. And the only family he had ever wanted he had left behind with it. Sirius was not completely wrong, Harry had run away. But he'd had no fight left in him and so he'd left rather than implode and take them all down with him. And now…with Sirius and all the memories that had come with him…Harry's view of New York had changed.  
_  
I'm going home,  
Back to the place where I belong,  
And where your love has always been enough for me.  
I'm not running from.  
No, I think you got me all wrong.  
I don't regret this life I chose for me.  
But these places and these faces are getting old  
So I'm going home.  
Well I'm going home._

And as the words fell from his lips he knew that they were true. He knew it was time for him to leave his self-imposed exile and return to face his past and his future, and to finally figure out where he was going with it all.

_  
The miles are getting longer, it seems__,  
The closer I get to you.  
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.  
But your love remains true.  
And I don't know why.  
You always seem to give me another try._

Harry glanced through the dirty glass of the window and caught site of Sirius' sleeping form. Merlin, but they'd been through hell and back together. And as toxic as Harry knew they were…he would be lying if he said he didn't love the man, if he were to say that he wouldn't rather fight with Sirius for the rest of his life then attempt to live it alone.

_So I'm going home,  
Back to the place where I belong,  
And where your love has always been enough for me.  
I'm not running from.  
No, I think you got me all wrong.  
I don't regret this life I chose for me.  
But these places and these faces are getting old.  
_

Harry hadn't really made many strong bonds here in New York. Even the people he saw regularly, like Annette, were not close to him and he would not miss them when he left.

_  
Be careful what you wish for,  
'Cause you just might get it all.  
You just might get it all__,  
And then some you don't want.  
Be careful what you wish for,  
'Cause you just might get it all.  
You just might get it all, yeah._

Sirius came here ready to beg and plead, in his own way, for Harry to come back. And the truth is…Harry saw the fear in Sirius' eyes when he realized that Harry would do exactly that. Sirius hadn't expected to succeed, and there was an apprehension that scared him. Neither of them knew what to expect. They loved each other, they were sure of that, but only of that. They had fallen in love during a war, and the changes of war reflected on both men body and soul. Somehow, they had loved each other then without believing in a future. Harry had never believed in a future for himself. And now the dust had settled, three long years since the war and the rebuilding had begun. Trouble was, neither of them knew how to rebuild whatever connection they had.

_  
Oh, well I'm going home__,  
Back to the place where I belong,  
And where your love has always been enough for me.  
I'm not running from.  
No, I think you got me all wrong.  
I don't regret this life I chose for me.  
But these places and these faces are getting old.  
I said these places and these faces are getting old.  
So I'm going home.  
I'm going home. _

Harry had not slept, he had packed all of the things he would need. Shoving things haphazardly into a trunk and shrinking it before placing it in his pocket. Sirius had not woken as Harry moved about the flat, he had slept on snoring softly and occasionally mumbling things Harry couldn't quite make out. Harry stood now in front of his guitar collection. Two electric, two acoustic. He ran a finger up the neck of the first one he had ever played, the one he had picked up from the pawnshop down the street. It was roughed up and out of tune. The wood had a tarnished look to it and several scratch marks along its sides. Harry could have repaired it with a flick of his wand, or even his hand. But for some reason he couldn't, the guitar reminded him of how he had felt when he had first arrived in New York. Harry sighed and packed up the newer guitar before setting the case aside and looking to Sirius.

He moved over and crouched down next to the man. He brushed the long black hair from his face. Merlin, but the man was beautiful. War and hard living had done little to change that. Harry placed his hand on the other man's shoulder and gently shook him.

"Sirius." He said. "Get up, we've got to get going."

Sirius's eyes fluttered open and for a moment he appeared disoriented. He looked at Harry as though he were trying to determine if he was still asleep.

"Let's go." Harry said. "I've got a few other things I've to do before we can leave."

Harry stood, unsure of what else to say. He slung his guitar case over his shoulder, adjusting the strap across his chest. He turned back around to find Sirius sitting up rubbing his palms against his eyes.

"You're really coming back?" Sirius said his voice heavy with sleep and insecurity.

"For now." Harry said.

Morning found them first at the coffee shop as Harry gave good-byes and apologies, and then later at his realtor's office. Harry paid the man a hefty sum to keep the flat in good condition in case Harry should want to return. During the discussion, Sirius had stood stiffly in the back of the small office with a dark look in his eyes.

By Midday, they were once again walking down Harry's block , Sirius trailing a few steps behind Harry. Harry took a deep breath and turned to enter a tattoo shop on their right. A dainty bell jangled as the door opened and closed and Harry smiled at the bear of a man who stood behind the counter shuffling through a pile of drawings.

"'Lo, Ed." Harry rang out and the man looked up with a wide and toothy grin.

"Harry, you English bastard." The man yelled out with humor in his tone. "Come for some more of my art? I told you it was like an addiction."

Harry laughed and shook his head. "Sorry, but no. Came to see about using your floo."

The man raised a heavily pierced eyebrow. "Taking a visit to the motherland then?"

"For a bit." Harry said. "This is…Sirius. An old friend from home. "

Ed turned his blue eyes on Sirius and nodded. "Like a memento to remember your visit to the states?"

Sirius shook his head as his eyes darted suspiciously between Harry and Ed.

"Well, all right then." Ed said, "Let me take a look at your side before you go. Need to make sure everything healed properly."

Harry rolled his eyes, "You should know better than that…I'm no novice."

The man roared with laughter that seemed to fill the room. "Of course, of course. But I'm vain, and like to look at my own work. Let's see it."

Harry lifted his guitar off and pulled his shirt up revealing what looked like sewn up jagged wound that ran a good twelve inches down his side. It wasn't as disturbing as one would imagine it should have been. It was done in all blacks and grays and seemed worn, like an old photograph. A memory of a memory.

"It's a beaut! That's for sure." Ed said as Harry dropped his shirt back down and picked up his guitar. "Well, I suppose you'll want to get goin'. But just be sure to come back and see me. Your hide is mine, Pierson, no one else's' ink better touch it after the work I did on that arm of yours."

Harry smiled and nodded, and glanced back to Sirius who was now staring at the uncovered portion of Harry's arm. He must not have noticed before. The runic symbols had been covered with black and white roses that seemed to be at once alive and wilting, the whole look of it had a reddish tinge as if stained with blood. Petals drifted down and fell in piles around his wrist obscuring the symbols that represented Lily, James, Remus and Sirius' names.

"Lets get on, Sirius." Harry moved to follow Ed as he made his way to the back of the store. They came to a store room where a rarely used fireplace stood. Ed offered some floo powder to Sirius and then to Harry, each of them took a pinch.

"Go on ahead Sirius, I'll follow." Sirius took a step forward and stepped into the fireplace. He glanced from the green flames to Harry and he met his eyes.

"You could have come at any time." He said.

"Yes." Harry replied, without shame in his tone. "So could you."

Sirius threw the powder into the flames and shouted out "Mercer House, London."

And with a flash and a whirl he was gone.

"Sirius Black, eh?" Ed's low tone startled Harry. "Even us Americans know that name."

Harry laughed. "You knew mine too."

"But of course 'Man-who-saved-us-all'. British Celebrities make it into our rags sometimes too. Are you prepared for the media storm?"

"I suppose we'll see." Harry said stepping into the flames. He waved good-bye and shouted out his destination.

Harry felt the floo settle and allowed himself a moment of contemplation before he opened his eyes. He looked out into the house on Mercer, which seemed relatively unchanged besides the fact that it was immaculately clean. Harry dusted himself off and stepped out onto the carpet. More photographs lined the walls than had been there previously. Photos of Jamie growing up, Lily, James and Remus, a select few of Sirius, and the occasional older one of Harry.

No one was in the living room, Harry had not expected there would be. He had purposefully not told Remus when they would arrive, he needed to reacquaint himself and decompress. He wandered out into the hallway and stuck his head into the kitchen to see that it was as tidy as the rest of the house. All the chairs were pushed up against the table, every dish clean and in its place.

Harry smiled because the complete absence of mess, was just so _Remus_. Remus the boy who grew up relatively poor, who never really could afford much of the nicer things, took care of anything that came into his possession as if it were some priceless gem. Harry moved up the stairs and placed his hand on the door that at one time led to Lily's room, but from Remus he knew it now belonged to Sirius. He could hear the man moving around inside and took a deep breath before moving further down the hall. The next door led to Alex's room and Harry opened it to find that it was as orderly as the rest of the house. Trust Remus to tame a young boy into cleanliness. Harry closed the door before moving to his old room and going inside.

Harry couldn't breathe when he looked around. He felt as though it was a museum of sorts, nothing had been touched or moved or changed in anyway. The sheer disorder and messiness that was strewn about was a testament to how much all three occupants of the house had missed him, how hurt they had been by his departure. The bed lay unmade, papers and books lay on the desk and floor, and books were titled on the bookshelf from when Harry had pulled only his favorites. Harry moved forward and picked up a t-shirt that was on the floor. It was a blue and white Puddlemore United shirt, Sirius' shirt. Harry clutched it tensely in his hands and closed his eyes.

_Flashback_

_Harry was agitated, he wasn't paying attention into what he was throwing into the trunk and what he was leaving behind. After telling them about who he really was, everything in his body and mind told him to get out, to leave as fast as possible. Harry was scanning the bookshelf when the door opened and Sirius took a step inside._

"_You're leaving now." Sirius said, his voice low and calm, in contrast with the sheer panic and pain in his grey eyes._

"_After dinner." Harry said and threw several volumes in to the trunk. Even with his back turned he felt Sirius get closer and was not startled when warm, strong hands came around his waist. Harry wanted to push him away and yet he leaned into the embrace. "Come with me."_

_Harry turned around and faced Sirius who looked stricken and shook his head. "Stay."_

_They held a wordless battle in the silent minute that followed and then Sirius had closed his eyes and pulled Harry close to him. They crushed in a tight embrace and then they were kissing and there was a painful urgency to it, so many times it had been like this. Trying to ask and tell the things they couldn't say with their bodies. Harry had pulled Sirius' shirt off roughly and dropped it to the floor. _

After dinner that night he had said his good-byes and walked out the door, Sirius had sprinted after him, grabbed his wrist and again asked him to stay. But Harry had left.

Harry sat down on the corner of the bed with the shirt still gripped in his hands, he looked around the room once more until Harry saw his broken timeline on the wall. The magic had worn away after these years and now it was mostly gone but for a few places where the tacked news articles and photographs flickered in and out of view.

Harry sighed, he had no idea where to begin picking up the pieces. But he knew he had to start somewhere. He took out his trunk and began unpacking and did a quick scourgify on the bed and curtains. As he packed, he thought about Remus.

Remus had supported him vocally when he announced he was leaving, but Harry knew the man well. Better, perhaps than the others did. And Remus was just as hurt and angry as Lily. Lily who had screamed and at one point slapped him before breaking down in tears and begging him to stay. Harry knew that Lily would be easy to win over, she loved him and although his absence had pained her, she had a husband and child to focus her attention on. Remus had been alone in this house more often than not, or dealing with a drunken and explosive Sirius. But beyond that, Remus and Harry had come to a silent understanding of each other. That as two outcasts, even amongst their friends, they had held to each other. They were true family in every way but blood. Harry's departure was a betrayal, not because he left, but that he had left and not bothered to visit or to ask him out to New York. He had cut Remus out of his life but for the phone calls.

Even more than his relationship with Sirius, his relationship with Remus was rocky at best and Harry was unsure of the welcome he would receive. James was no picnic either, he and Harry had never really gotten close. But shortly before he left Lily had told James about Harry's past and James had been unable to cope with it. He was not there when Harry had left, and Harry had not spoken to him since.

Harry made his way down the stairs and as he reached the bottom he heard voices coming from the kitchen.

"I don't know what you expected, Sirius." It was Remus speaking, his low voice caked with exasperation.

"I expected a warmer welcome." Sirius said his words more hurt than angry. "I saw him a few times before the bar, and he looked…happy."

"Good." Came Remus' clipped reply followed by the whistling of the tea kettle.

"Good? I know you don't mean that. You were off about him leaving too." Sirius said.

"I do mean it, Sirius. There was a reason he left, he may not have articulated it particularly well, but who I am I to judge him for something he needed to do."

"You think I shouldn't have gone?" Sirius asked with a hint of incredulity.

"I think you both would have been better off had you gone three years ago." Remus said easily.

"I couldn't have! Would you have gone? Just upped and left everything behind?" Sirius asked sounding as if he had already won the argument.

"Yes. I would have gone. He is my friend. If he had needed me, I would have gone." Remus said and Harry felt a pang of guilt at the slightly wishful tone.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means Sirius…that you are his lover first, you were from the outset." Remus replied gently. "You were hurt because you felt he was leaving _you_. I know what it cost him to leave, and that decision was not easy for him to make, I was I hurt because leaving was what he needed to come to terms with things, and that I could do nothing to help him."

Harry closed his eyes and leaned against the wall.

"I'm glad that he's here, even if it is only for a short while. But I don't want him to stay unless it's right for him." Remus said and they dropped off into silence.

Harry waited a few minutes to gather himself before he entered the room. Sirius did not turn to look at him but Remus stood from his chair and moved to Harry quickly. They embraced tightly before Remus pulled back and looked at him closely.

"You look well." He said with a twinkle in his eye.

"As do you." Harry responded and they both laughed at the formality. "I've missed you."

Remus just smiled.

A knock sounded at the door. And they all glanced in the direction of the entry.

"It's probably Lily. She said she might stop over this evening after she finished some shopping here in London. She won't have Jamie with her but you should answer it, she doesn't know you're here yet."

Harry moved out into the hallway and pulled open the door. He was momentarily blinded as several flashbulbs went off within seconds of each other. Before he had a chance to orient himself again, he was pushed through the entry and the door slammed loudly. He shook his head and his sight came back into focus upon a disheveled looking Lily. She took a minute to calm her breathing and brush back her hair before she realized who was standing with her.

"Harry!" She leapt at him and he pulled her in to a fierce hug.

"Lily, you're as beautiful as ever." He said and laughed when she blushed. They made their way back to the kitchen Lily holding tight to Harry's hand. When they entered Lily released Harry and moved to Sirius whom she promptly slapped across the face.

"You idiotic, selfish, prat." She spoke in a mother-tone they were all familiar with. "Don't you ever disappear like that again. You hear me?"

Sirius nodded mutely.

"What happened to you, Lily you look a bit unkempt." Remus broke in with a smile playing on his lips.

"It would seem that Harry's arrival has somehow gotten around. There are about twenty reporters milling about in front of your house." She said.

"Wonderful." Harry said and opened a curtain to see, he caught a glimpse of Rita Skeeter toward the front and swore under his breath.

_And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain._

AN: Sorry about the delay my friends! I've been working on t his for a couple of weeks but have had some trouble getting it done. Some of you inquired about the songs, I didn't write them. It was remiss of me not to notate whose they were…the one in this chapter was "Home" by Daughtry. I'll try and get back and update the others.

I'm going to be wrapping this one soon. I've got another idea I want to get working on. It'll be a Sirius POV and I have yet to decide if it'll be Sirius/Remus or another Sirius/Harry. I like both pairings.

Please read and review! This was rough going and if you've got anything to say I'd love to hear it!!


	38. Desitination

Things seemed to click back in place as if it had always been that way, as if Harry had never left. Aside from James' notable absence, the first week Harry had been there seemed easy, too easy. Harry had never trusted easy.

Thursday morning, he got up, picked up a shirt from the floor and pulled it over his head. The house was quiet, but that was expected, Sirius, would still be sleeping, and Remus was already gone for work. He made his way downstairs and took a minute staring from the coffee maker to the tea pot trying to determine which was more appropriate. He started the coffee and then pulled open the window as the post owl tapped. Untying the paper and dropping a knut from the jar on the side table into the owl's pouch, he tossed it on the table and went to peruse the pantry. Without having any luck on breakfast, he poured his coffee, sat down and unrolled the paper.

The picture below the screaming headline was from the day he arrived back home. The movement started with the door to Mercer house swinging open to reveal Harry, with a bright smile on his face that lasted less than a second before Lily threw herself bodily at him, and Harry reached out to steady her. And ended with Harry stumbling backwards his hands about her waist. The image recycled itself over and over. The angle it was taken at made the whole encounter look more like an enthusiastic greeting, rather than a desperate escape. Harry sighed and took a gulp of his coffee.

**MAN-WHO-SAVED-US-ALL HAS SECRET TRYST WITH TOP AUROR'S WIFE**

_Rumors about Harry Pierson, The-Man-Who-Saved-Us-All, have been soaring since the end of the war after he seemingly disappeared without a trace. With everyone from the Ministry to his closest friends and family being very tight-lipped about his notable absence, the Wizarding World has been left with much curiosity and little to satisfy it. _

_This reporter, recently contacted, by a source, who prefers to remain anonymous, claims to have been an acquaintance of Pierson while he was abroad. This source has told the Daily Prophet exclusively that Harry has spent the last few years living as a muggle in America's, New York City. Our source went on to explain that Harry was at first somewhat withdrawn but over the course of the following years became a good friend and seemed to be "sorting himself out"._

_While no one can blame the war veteran for needing a little time alone, one has to wonder why he has chosen to come back. Our source said that Harry appeared at their place of business early this past Saturday morning and requested to use his floo. He also stated that Harry was accompanied by none-other than Sirius Black, last surviving heir of the infamous Black family and Auror [currently on probation]. _

_Our source tells us that there was tenseness between Black and Pierson as they prepared to return to England and that it seemed as though Black did not want Pierson to return. That same Saturday, Daily Prophet photographers snapped a touching reunion photograph of one, Lily Potter [formerly Evans], an old school friend and wife of Senior Auror, James Potter. _

_However, the photograph suggests perhaps their relationship is far from simply that of 'friends' as Mrs. Potter threw herself into Pierson's arms upon seeing him. Sources inside the Auror department and close to Mrs. Potter tell us that in the early days of their marriage, amidst the pain and destruction of the war, James and Lily Potter were having marital difficulties. At one point, sources confirm, Lily Potter moved into Pierson's home on Mercer Street, London and stayed until well after Pierson's false imprisonment [See Daily Prophet Volume 170, issue 12]. _

_Furthermore, Lily gave birth to a baby boy within a highly suggestive time period following the change in her living arrangements. Perhaps, even more suggestive is the child's given name __**Harry**__ James Potter (he is called Jamie). In a Press conference just prior to his departure, Pierson stated that he was not single but refused to divulge the name of his lover._

_Are Harry Pierson and Lily Potter continuing their affair? Is Jamie Potter really a Pierson? How does James Potter feel about his wife's 'friend'? These are all questions that only the parties themselves can answer [James Potter, Lily Evans and Harry Pierson were unavailable for comment]. This reporter will leave it to you to determine your own opinion until the truth is brought to the surface._

_-Rita Skeeter, Time and Culture Reporter._

Bile rose in the back of Harry's throat as he read the woman's name. Of course it would be her. Suddenly there was a whoosh from the floo and Harry stood and moved toward the living room. Harry barely had time to recognize him when James landed a heavy blow to Harry's right eye.

And that was the catalyst for chaos. Harry fell backwards into the glass top table in the hallway, knocking a brass statue on the floor and shattering the table into shards.

Lily came screaming through the floo, a wailing Jamie on her hip and Sirius bounded down the stairs four at a time just as James reached down and drug Harry to his feet pushing him up against the wall. With the pressure from James' hands at his shoulders, glass shards pushed further into his skin painfully as he stared out at James whose face was a strange mix of confusion, anger and sadness. James got off one more punch, sending Harry to the floor again, before Sirius grabbed him and held him back.

Harry pulled himself to his hands and knees his head hanging down as blood dripped from his nose and soaked into the back of his shirt. Lily was still yelling, and Harry turned himself over slowly until he was sitting resting on his arms behind him. He looked up to find Sirius with James at wand point, as he crouched on the ground with his head in his hands. Lily was desperately trying to calm down Jamie, but was crying uncontrollably herself.

"Lily…" Harry said slowly. "Call for Remus."

Harry sat backwards on a kitchen chair; Lily had vanished his shirt and had begun working the glass out of his skin. She offered Harry a pain potion but he had shaken his head and she had glared but finally got to work. Sirius sat across the table from Harry bouncing Jamie on his knee, his eyes still dark and angry. Remus and James were upstairs talking.

"He doesn't really believe any of it, Harry." Lily said for what had to be the fifteenth time.

"I believe you, Lil." Harry said and sucked in a breath as she removed another shard of glass.

"It's just that after I told him about…your past…and he didn't know how to react, you were right. But then you left and it all just simmered. And he's under a lot of pressure at work…It was the bit about Jamie that got to him." Lily said in a rush. "He just…he's…"

"Lilly, It's all right." Harry said. "I'm all right."

Lily took a deep shuddering breath and Harry stared at Sirius, who clenched his jaw and looked away. They sat in silence for a while, the only noise being Jamie's nonsense talk. They heard footsteps on the stairs and turned to see Remus enter the kitchen.

He looked contemplative and tired, tired down to the bone. He sat down in the chair next to Harry and sighed. He put his hand on top of Harry's and looked at him.

"How do you feel?" He said searching Harry's eyes for a lie.

"Been better…been worse." Harry said and gave him a cheeky grin. "What'd James say?"

Remus sighed again. "It isn't that he believes you and Lily. He's very angry though, he was angry because he thinks you lied to all of us about who you are. He's angry that you left, though he didn't say so. But this morning—the article—He was angry because you came back and he feels like you brought all of this with you. Nobody would have said anything about him or Lily or Jamie, if you hadn't come back."

Remus' words were careful as if he was afraid if he spoke to loudly that perhaps one of them would break Harry.

Harry only nodded. Lily finished healing the wounds on his back and moved to sit down across from Remus.

There was a beat of silence before Remus spoke again. "He wants to talk to you. He's upstairs in my room."

Harry stood and nodded. Sirius made to stand as well but Harry pressed his hand on the man's shoulder as he walked toward the door. "It'll be all right, Sirius."

He met Sirius' eyes and leaned over placing a light kiss on the top of his head, before making his way out of the kitchen. He pushed open the door and found James sitting on the edge of Remus' bed. He was bent over his head between his knees and his fingers in his hair. He looked up as Harry closed the door behind him. There was so much emotion in James' eyes that Harry felt overwhelmed by the situation. Harry leaned up against the door.

He put his hands in his pockets and did not break their gaze.

"I never intended on telling you all."Harry said. "I wasn't going to get involved with you when I came back."

James didn't speak.

"But I came here, and there you all were. Sirius and Remus…in my time were two of the only people I ever really trusted. And then there was you and Lily and I…I was selfish…I couldn't stay away." Harry's voice was soft.

"I'm your father." James said.

"No, James. My father is dead." He said his voice low. "You are Jamie's father and Jamie isn't me."

James shook his head.

"A lot has changed because I came here." Harry said. "I was never born."

James and Lily had left not too long after Harry had left James too his brooding thoughts and it was two days before James appeared again and apologized. Things were not really all right between them, Harry didn't believe that they ever would be.

Cedric Diggory's father had told him once, long after Cedric's death, when they were fighting side-by-side in a war they were losing, that "a son is a strange thing to a man. He is the reflection of all of the best and worst things and yet we love them more than we love ourselves, to fight with them is to fight ourselves, to not understand them is to not understand ourselves, to lose them…is to lose ourselves."

Harry believed Amos then, and perhaps more so now. Because he and James would never have a relationship that went beyond a tentative and delicate friendship, they were so different and yet too much alike to ever be able to really know each other. He was James' son, and yet he wasn't. And that small confusion was a barrier to all emotion and all understanding.

Harry dismissed the idea of becoming an Auror, having seen too much battle and too much pain. He was offered a position at the Ministry heading up a research-oriented task force which watched for and dismantled potential gatherings of dark wizards.

The five of them drifted for a while with Harry and James having struck a strange agreement between them, Sirius and Harry tiptoeing around their all consuming love for each other, and Lily and Remus trying to fill the silences in their conversations. In their minds, things were fine. Everything changed when Alex came back from Hogwarts for the summer holiday.

Alex was no longer the little boy that Harry had fought so hard to keep, he had grown into an attractive and intelligent young man. Still with his girlfriend of nearly four years, to everyone he was the perfect example of what a young wizard should be. He was a gentle soul, Lily said, he didn't act out and cause trouble outside of a few harmless pranks here and there. And for the first three weeks of his summer holiday he had been just that. Swooning over photographs of Helena and waiting anxiously for her owls, dueling with Harry and Sirius, playing gobstones with James and chasing little Jamie around on his toy broom while Lily fretted.

And then within the span of a short week everything the mood in the house had suddenly changed and Alex was the director of the storm. All of the adults simply chalked it up to adolescent mood swings and let him be.

While preparing for their Sunday dinners in the beginning of July, Lily was cooking with Harry's help and the others crowded around the table to watch Remus trounce Sirius at chess when Alex stood suddenly and with such force that he sent his chair flying backwards into the wall. The adults turned their eyes to him, most of them wide with confusion. When Alex finally raised his eyes he met Harry's and his hands flashed out violently.

**Were you never going to tell me then? **He signed. ** You weren't going to ask me, just ignore it.**

"Alex…" Harry started.

**No! Don't tell me you don't know what I'm talking about! **Despite his inability to speak, it couldn't have been more clear that he would have been screaming at Harry if he were able.

He reached into the pocket of his jeans and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper he opened it and slammed it down on the table. Harry didn't have to look at it to know what it was about, neither did any of the others. It was a letter from the Head of Experimental Treatment at St. Mungo's, saying they might have a cure. Alex seemed to recognize the understanding in all of their eyes and his angry look flew around the room at all of them.

**So you all knew! And you…what…had a meeting and decided about it without me?**

"Alex…it's risky…and there's no guarantee that it would work." Harry said softly.

**But it could! It could work! **His eyes looked somewhat desperate.

"Alex…I…" Harry stared at the boy.

**You don't understand! I hate this! When I was little and it was like knowing code…it was different it was…But now…I…**

"Alex…we know it's hard…" Lily said moving toward him but Alex took a step back from her bumping into the wall in the process.

**No. You don't know. I can't even tell her I love her! I can't laugh or shout or cheer on the Quidditch team. **

"The risks are too great…" Harry started.

**I hate this! I don't understand why I can't make this choice for myself.**

"You could die." Sirius spoke up.

**Maybe I don't want to live this way!**

"I CANNOT LOSE YOU!" Harry shouted. "You are…I can't lose you…I don't want to lose you." His voice losing its anger with each word.

**This isn't about you!**

Alex signed and before anyone could respond he left the room, a wave of sadness and anger in his wake.

And so it went for the next week, anytime Alex signed anything it was angry and his face was a mask of sadness and desperation. By the following Friday, Harry had broken down and they stood in the same hallway as they had so many years ago watching Alex walk away.

Once again he would be in seclusion for a period of one week, once again there was no guarantee that he would be okay. The headlines blared personal information that had leaked from St. Mungo's and everyone in the Wizarding World knew that Harry, The-Man-Who-Saved-Us-All, might lose his surrogate son. Alex's whole life was printed everything from his father's death, Harry and Lily's fight for guardianship, his school grades, his girlfriend, and grotesque details about his encounter with Tom Riddle.

Harry was in a whirlwind of fear that he hadn't felt in so long that it shook him to his core, and it sent the rest of his friends into overdrive. Lily and Remus began mothering him and weren't far away from spoon feeding him. James sat silently by him as he smoked outside the front steps, creating a shield for both of them to keep the reporters at bay. Sirius seemed lost as well, Harry noticed but could not muster the mental strength to comfort him.

The second night after Alex had been admitted, Harry woke screaming from nightmarish dreams, memories really, of the shredded thoughts and terrified presence that was Alex's mind after Voldemort's attack.

He sat in his bed panting and opened his eyes to find Sirius sitting in the chair across the room. They locked eyes, and so much was said between them in that moment without a single word spoken. A million apologies, and confessions. Harry raised his hand and held it out to Sirius who stood and made his way across the room.

Sirius climbed into the bed and pulled Harry to him. Both of them scared for the boy they both loved more than life itself and neither of them good at simply standing by. Harry turned to faced Sirius.

"Why does our fear and pain always bring us together?" Harry said softly.

"I don't know." Was Sirius' muffled response.

"I wish I knew how to just be happy with you." Harry said.

Sirius didn't respond he placed a gentle kiss on Harry's shoulder and sighed. "We can't keep doing this."

"I know."

"I want to be with you. I always have." Sirius said.

"I'm willing to try. Again." Harry said.

There was a moment of quiet acceptance between the two, before Harry leaned over and kissed Sirius. It was strangely awkward, like his first kiss with Cho, and for some reason that awkwardness gave Harry hope.

Harry and Sirius spent the next few days talking. It helped to make the wait for word from St. Mungo's easier, but also to discover things they had never known about each other. For the first time, Harry talked about his past, his real past, he talked about Ron and Hermione, and the Dursleys and his life before he came hurtling back in time. Sirius talked about his parents, his father and mother life as a Pureblood wizard and he talked about Regalus.

For the first time since they had met, Harry and Sirius felt like they finally knew each other. By Thursday, Sirius had grown tired of being sequestered in the house and demanded that he and Harry go out on a real date, reporters be damned.

And so, they went out and had dinner and drinks at a pricey restaurant. Stealing kisses in front of the ever watchful eye of the constantly present photographers. The papers that next morning reported in incredulous surprise that The-Man-Who-Saved-Us-ALL's secret lover was none other than England's wealthiest Wizard, Sirius Black.

The attitude at Mercer house seemed to lift, as though Harry and Sirius' happiness had buoyed the spirits and renewed their hope that not only would Alex be okay, but that the experimental treatment would work. The hope that finally, finally, their little mismatched family would find calm in the storm, and get to be happy.

They were laughing as they sat at St. Mungo's Saturday afternoon waiting for news on Alex's condition.

"So, then, when's the wedding?" James said eying Sirius and Harry's intertwined hands.

"Oh! Yes! I can't wait!" Lily jumped in smiling widely as she held out a cookie for Jamie's pudgy fingers. "You would both look dashing in three-piece muggle suits!"

Harry and Sirius laughed. "There will be no wedding, Lily, I'm sorry" Harry responded.

Lily pouted but her lips were turned up at the edges.

"Living in sin, are we gentlemen?" Remus put in from his seat in the corner of the waiting room where he was surrounded by books and papers.

"Precisely." Sirius said and pulled Harry in for an overly dramatic kiss.

"And when will you be settling down, dear Moony?" James asked with an obvious wink.

"Oh hush, James." Lily said with a chastising tone. "You know Remus is practically married to his work."

There was a beat of silence, because after all these years the men are still not used to Lily having a go at anyone, before they noticed the red tinge on Remus' cheeks and burst out laughing.

Their laughter only got wilder as Remus attempted to sputter out some sort of defense, but stopped abruptly when the door to the room opened and a Healer walked in. Harry was on his feet immediately as he took in the tense set of the man's shoulders and the tight frown on his face.

"Mr. Pierson, would you like to speak outside." The man said his voice revealing nothing and everything in its monotone. Harry shook his head.

"This is his family, you can tell us all." Harry said and felt the rest of them stand and Sirius take his hand.

The healer nodded, "Very well. Alex has still not woken from the artificial coma we put him in. We are not able to detect much activity from him at this point."

"What do you mean you aren't able to detect much activity?" Lily said, her voice shaking.

The healer glanced at Harry as if he was concerned Harry might curse him for his next words, "We fear…that he may not wake from it."

"What happened?" Sirius demanded.

"We don't know." The man responded quietly.

"How can you not know?" James asked.

"It's an experimental treatment…there were risks…" The healer said, and took a careful step backwards.

Harry couldn't speak, his mind had numbed from what the man was saying between the words he was using. Sirius' grip tightened on him.

"What are the chances that he'll wake from it." Remus asked.

"We simply don't know. It could be tomorrow…it could be years…or…never." The healer spoke slowly. "I'm very sorry."

His words fell into a deep silence as the others digested this outcome, all the happiness and hope they had so recently acquired draining from them and leaving them cold and struggling for comprehension.

"I want to see him." Harry said finally wrestling the words from his brain.

The healer nodded, "Of course, follow me."

They all followed him out of the waiting area and down the hall. Harry took a deep breath as the healer opened the door, and then silently stepped through it.

Even, Jamie, seemed to have sensed the gravity of the situation and did not babble or cry out. Harry made his way to the bed and sat down in a hard plastic chair. He put his hand on Alex's longish blonde hair that had become less curly over the years. He was growing it out because he wanted to be like Sirius.

Harry closed his eyes and reached out to Alex's mind, it felt as though he were suddenly plunged into icy water. And what he found was silence, a deep echoing silence. Alex's mind was void of thought or emotion as if someone had pressed pause on a muggle video player. All around him were half-formed thoughts and memories stalled before they were fully realized. It seemed as if his entire mind was glazed over with a frost. Harry pulled back and felt the tears as they made their way down his cheeks.

The others looked at him expectantly, and Harry shook his head.

"There's nothing…I couldn't even sense his presence." Harry said. He stared down at Alex's features which had become strong and defined. He found himself aching in a way that was more desperate than he ever had felt, as he stared at Alex's eyes wanting nothing more than to see their brilliant blue again.

Alex was gone, and Harry felt stripped of something huge and vital to his existence. He could focus on nothing else but this sudden void. He heard voices in the background and understood pieces of what the healer was telling the others.

…_he could remain at Mungo's….medical bills covered, of course…they could continue their research and find out what went wrong…_

Lily and Sirius seemed to be arguing with each other as James and Remus tried to play delicate referees. Harry knew what decision had to be made, he stood without knowing how and walked to the group that was now clustered at the end of Alex's bed.

"He isn't there. Alex is gone. I don't want him to be some sort of science project." Harry said and he only barely registered the pain that flashed in Sirius' eyes. "He deserves peace, and maybe he'll find his father, in whatever place we go to after this hell hole."

Harry didn't wait for a response he simply walked out of the room.

Four days later, the legal documents had been signed and filed, and Sirius had gone to St. Mungo's with Lily to be witness to Alex's official death. Harry did not go. He had known the moment he entered Alex's mind that his body was nothing but a shell of the boy.

Remus had been the one to put together the funeral arrangements, Lily had gone personally to speak with Alex's girlfriend and friends. Adam Terry had taken it particularly hard and Lily had come back crying after their meeting.

The sun was shining brightly on the day they buried him. Nearly a hundred people appeared at the cemetery, dressed in black robes and wearing the appropriate solemn expressions. James, Remus, and Sirius had placed wards around the cemetery that barred the press from entering. Dumbledore led the ceremony, he spoke about Alex's strength, his character, and made light jokes about some of the boy's cheekier moments. Harry sat in the center of the first row. Sirius at his right, Remus at his left. He was staring at the coffin, his mind unwillingly picturing Alex's angelic features and the way his body would be arranged. He felt Sirius squeeze his hand and turned to face him.

"It's you, Harry." He said tilting his head at Dumbledore. Harry looked up and the old wizard nodded gently.

Harry stood and picked up his guitar and made his way to where Dumbledore stood. The older man placed a hand up Harry's shoulder and gave him a gentle squeeze. Harry lifted the guitar strap over his head and began to play.

There were no words, only the haunting notes of the guitar as they strung themselves out across the crowd. And the song was epic and tragic, but there was a startling quality to it that made everyone's breath catch in their throats and their eyes sting with tears.

Harry played through the pain in his chest, and the pain in his soul as he sat so close to the coffin of the only brother he'd ever known and he didn't think about the notes as they came but only tried to play in the hopes that Alex would understand the meaning behind the tune.

And he closed his eyes and he played and played, until he opened his eyes to Sirius standing before him holding out his hand, the cemetery empty and the sun sinking below the trees behind him.

Sirius and Harry returned to New York for a month immediately following Alex's funeral. Harry showed Sirius the city, and they lived in a world of painful denial. Harry cleaned out his flat in Greenwich and the realtor listed and sold it that same day. When they returned to England they found that the rest of the world had gone on without them, and without Alex. A seed of resentment began sprouting in Harry's heart as he watched everyone live, and work and laugh.

He and Sirius still held each other closer than necessary, at night. But slowly Harry regained the basic ability to function. He threw himself into his work, leaving early in the morning and returning close to midnight each night. He spent hours upon hours researching and interviewing, trying to understand the mindset of the darker souls who had cost him so much in his life. Believing that by knowing them, by understanding their motivations and the circumstances from which they came…he could not only hope to stop any more devastation and loss but he could find some peace in doing so.

Harry was the only person still working on the seventh floor of the Ministry. He was reading a report on small gathering of suspected dark wizards when he felt the air around him shift with tension. This sense was something not new to him, and he froze in his chair as his heart sped up. He heard the heavy running footsteps pound in his direction with a determination that could only mean one thing.

Harry turned in his chair wand already out just in time to see Sirius stop before him. He opened his mouth to speak but no words came out as he took in Sirius' appearance. He was disheveled and there was a wild fear and pain in his eyes, tears steadily making their way down his face.

"Harry…" Sirius' voice was strangled with emotion. "You have to stop this. Please, promise me you'll stop this."

Harry shook his head, not quite understanding what he meant, but there in the back of his mind was an understanding that filled him with a cold dread.

"I…I'm sorry." Sirius whispered, doubling over in physical pain. "I'm so sorry. I love you. I've always loved you. Even after all this changed you, even after what you became."

Harry thrust himself into Sirius' mind and suddenly he was overwhelmed with memory after memory. Some of them happy moments of himself and Sirius, Remus, Lily and James. And then they got darker, deaths once again showing up in the headlines. Untraceable magic. Harry himself speaking with a group of wizards he didn't know explaining how anyone with a dark bloodline had to die to keep another Voldemort from ever being born. Harry pulled back suddenly so many things clicking into place. These were not things he had done, but things he would do. Things Sirius had already seen.

Sirius raised his wand and Harry took a step back but didn't raise his own.

"Sirius?"

"I'm sorry…I have to do now…what I couldn't do in my own time." Sirius said, "I'm sorry."

Harry looked at Sirius and noticed for the first time that the man before him was war-torn in a way that spoke of more years of violence then his Sirius had ever seen. The lines around his eyes, were the kind that came with too much loss.

"I'm sorry. I love you." Sirius said and Harry noticed how his wand shook in his hand. "Forgive me."

Harry did not even raise his hand in defense. He watched as Sirius shuddered in pain and felt a tear trace a path down his own cheek.

_Avada Kedavra._

_**Harry Pierson**_

_The-Man-Who-Saved-Us-All_

_Died 1984_

_Hero, Lover, Friend_

_Cursed is he who knows the destination, but not the path to get there._

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AN: Well, there's the end. Please don't hate me. This story couldn't have a happy ending. I tried to write one but it just came off corny. I promise more love and happiness in my next story.

Please Review! And let me know if you'd rather another Harry-Sirius or Sirius-Remus. It'll be completely Sirius POV.

Thanks!!


	39. What was I thinking? Author's Note

Author's Note:

Woah. That's what I have to say guys. You have been excellent readers and reviewers and I know that many of you are not very happy with me (to put it lightly). So…I wanted to jump on here and do a little explaining for you.

First things first: For those of you who were confused—Sirius came back from the future of the story's time line. Meaning, that he came from I'm thinking probably a few years later (maybe fiver or six). After a few years of doing the work that Harry was doing the ministry he starting getting ideas about how to stop any future dark wizards, and in essence became one himself. Remember that it was the centaurs that sent Harry back in time, and Sirius knew this. Also, It wasn't just Alex's death, although that was a catalyst, that caused Harry to "become dark" but that he had immersed himself into the world of dark wizards and it had begun to affect him. I don't think that it was such a stretch for Harry to become dark, he hasn't had it easy and spent his whole life fighting against absolute horror. The moral of the story as far as Harry goes was that ultimately, evil knows no bounds and that one can follow a good cause to the point where you are doing just as much damage as if you were on the other side. The blurring lines between despicable actions for a good cause and the simply despicable actions is a theme that I've kept throughout the story.

One reviewer said that I don't know how to heal my characters, which is a valid point and perhaps not far from the mark. Although, it isn't that I can't write happy characters, but that the direction of this story didn't lead me down this path. I'm an organic writer, I don't do outlines and I don't pre-plan my stories. I sit down and I write. Whatever comes, comes. I allow the story to develop and the characters to take their own paths. Harry and Sirius are tragic lovers in this story. I have a hard time believing that given their histories and their circumstances both in canon and in this story, they could even fix themselves. Happy endings are wonderful, and of course they give us hope. But I am the kind of writer that can't maintain a façade of 'prettiness' to a story for the sake of the warm and fuzzies. Sorry if that offends any of you.

I know that the story ended suddenly and I struggled with posting this chapter. I had it finished a few days ago and kept pulling it up and re-reading it trying to determine if I could post it, knowing that many of you would be disappointed. But after many re-writes including several terrible happy endings…I realized that this is where the story had to end.

I will mostly likely write a sequel, one that takes up the story from Sirius' POV covering the missed time up to the point where Sirius comes back to kill Harry. However, like you I need a break from the tragedy. I'm actually at a very happy place in my life right now. I had been through some rough times for a while. But I'm happy and ENGAGED! So I'd like a little sappy and happy romance.

So, the sequel will have to wait a bit. I'm writing a new story. I'm thinking it'll be AU a bit, perhaps with Harry as a distant cousin of James as opposed to his son. While Sirius is my favorite, I love the strong, confident Harry that I feel was never fully realized in the novels. I'm thinking that there maybe a Harry-Sirius-Remus love triangle, that way I can have all my favorite boys and ships all in one place. Let me know what you guys think about this!

Again, I apologize if any of you were upset by the ending and feel as though you wasted time by becoming invested in the story. I hope you'll all let me know what you think about my new idea and will give my next story a chance. Thanks so much for your reviews and support!

SiriuslyUnreal


	40. New Story: Love Lies Bleeding, UP!

Check out my new story: Love Lies Bleeding

Summary:

Sirius left England after Peter was chosen by James as secret keeper leading them to their death. 17 years later, he finds himself back in England, facing a war on multiple fronts.

Warnings: Spoilers up to DH. Canon-Based AU. Slash SBHP-SBRL

Thanks!


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